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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive or is this shit?

63 replies

toosensitive1 · 01/04/2021 22:46

Started seeing someone relatively recently, all going well, was very excited to be able to go to his house after a few months of lockdown and meeting up outside for walks, coffees (him needing to shield, but now able to bubble together as he feels happier now he's had the vaccine).

We were meant to be meeting up this evening, but he was too busy with work so we rearranged for tomorrow instead. That's annoying, but I understand. Then we began to discuss plans for me coming to his on Saturday, he invited me to stay over but I am not able to stay on this occasion. He then texts me shortly after to 'let me know he's got plans for the evening on Saturday'... I then asked what these plans were, as a minute ago he was asking me to stay over... he's been invited to a garden get together with his family, but I now feel a bit rubbish as it seems that because I'm not staying over, I'll now be 'turfed out' by a certain time, and he didn't think to ask me if I minded/what time I'd planned to leave/if we'd be having dinner together etc... He lives an hour away, so it's not as simple as just popping over and popping home again. When I pointed this out he did then say sorry and said he'd cancel the plans he'd just made with his family, but I just feel like an afterthought.

It all just feels a bit crap, but I can be oversensitive so wanted to know what the general consensus is?

OP posts:

Thewinterofdiscontent · 01/04/2021 23:43

You’re way too available.

You’re making all the effort , having to drive an hour and yet letting him make and cancel plans as it suits him.

You shouldn’t be dangling and stressing about what his motives are. He cancels on you, fine. You have other plans. He wants to see you he can make dates and stick to them otherwise you’re getting on with your life without him. Weeds out the non interested parties and keeps your social going without him.

catherineofarrogance80 · 02/04/2021 00:01

You are seeing him tomorrow and Saturday for a few hours and have only recently starting seeing him. You are being a bit needy I think

Embra · 02/04/2021 00:07

Just say it’s ok let’s meet another time. I think it’s quite rude to make other plans or pressure you into staying overnight. If you would be going out for a while that’s fine but not when you just started dating.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 00:11

Over sensitive. You said you can't stay over, why shouldn't he make plans for the evening?

notangelinajolie · 02/04/2021 00:16

Think carefully about how this man is making you feel. This early on in your relationship and you already feel like he isn't there for you in the way you would like. Just that really.

Honeybobbin · 02/04/2021 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FireflyRainbow · 02/04/2021 00:31

My partners lives nearly an hour away from me and pops in all the time for short visits so I think YABU.

ShopTattsyrup · 02/04/2021 00:33

Meh - I think both are a smidge unreasonable.

For sure if I was planning any kind of date or even a catch up with a mate I probably wouldn't also book a garden party for the same day unless it was a specific lunch time date with a generally accepted end point.

Equally - if I imagined I was going for a walk with someone in the afternoon and they had said they wouldn't be able to stay over and lived an hour away from me ... I would probably presume that they intended to be gone by say 6 or 7PM and so I could go to a party at 7 or 8PM.

ShopTattsyrup · 02/04/2021 00:36

Although to answer your original question about being over sensitive; I don't think you are particularly. Just that you both had different ideas of what you "not staying over" would entail and neither communicated that spectacularly well.

RhubarbCustardy · 02/04/2021 00:44

Has he cancelled because he was hoping you would sleep with him? Know that the other day was meant to be a walk but a weekend walk and no work next day? If that's the real reason then YANBU.

WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 00:46

you're over thinking this ... 🌸

catmumandhumanmum · 02/04/2021 01:41

YANBU he can't have his way with you so he suddenly has other plans

Famousinlove · 02/04/2021 01:42

I wouldn't say you're an afterthought if he asked you to spend the evening with him first

Cheesypea · 02/04/2021 02:34

If hes made other plans because he won't get his leg over then hes out of order.

MildlyMiserable · 02/04/2021 02:56

Pre pandemic I was a stay at home kind of person, after shielding for a year I will be going to every occasion offered - he may feel the same, we’ve been isolated from friends and family for a long time.

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 03:31

It does sound as though you are taking this very personally. I wouldn't want him to cancel plans with his family. If you don't want to go to his just for the day time, cancel that instead and rebook.

You don't appear to be in a committed relationship, from what you have said so far, but you like him and he likes you so it may progress. At the moment stay cool and make some arrangements of your own with friends or family that do not include him.

BlackCatShadow · 02/04/2021 04:09

I also think you are being a bit OTT about this.

The walk is really irrelevant. I don't get why you even mentioned it. But, obviously you were annoyed that he postponed the walk due to work.

You said you couldn't stay over, so he made plans with his family for the evening and he let you know.

I don't think you are being too available. I think you expect him to totally available to you. I agree you sound like the problem here.

Walkaround · 02/04/2021 04:13

I think you’re over sensitive (and a bit self-centred). It’s the Easter weekend and it’s his family.

RisingSunn · 02/04/2021 04:32

It’s the Easter weekend so maybe he’s excited to hang out with his family; rather than being on his own come the late evening.

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2021 04:41

Why can’t you (or him) stay over Friday night after your walk, spend Saturday together then go home Sat afternoon?

It’s a bank holiday weekend when garden visiting with 6 people/2 households is just allowed. You said he’d been shielding. He accepted an invite on an evening he thought he was free (you declined his offer to stay over) and then he subsequently offered to not see his family if it upset you.

He’s seeing you 2 days in a row, on a 4-day weekend, you’re the one that can’t stay over and you’re cross he’s not entirely flexible to your schedule?

I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Don’t you?

Coyoacan · 02/04/2021 04:57

Yeap, it is a misunderstanding. I would have done as he did.

Esquire3 · 02/04/2021 05:45

Maybe he feels like he's been knocked back and is embarrassed that you said no so he's trying to style it out by making out he was gonna be busy anyway,why can't he say what time he wants you to leave instead of you telling him?he can't cancel his whole evening because you want to be in control of what you do and when..maybe you should be less demanding?

HugeAckmansWife · 02/04/2021 06:30

I really disagree with those who are saying he's pushed you out because he won't get laid. That's the sort of thing that gives mn it's 'man hating' reputation. OP you could have been clearer and said, 'I can't stay over but we can have dinner and I'll push off about 11' or something. If you just left it as 'not staying over' and he gets a chance o see family for the first time in ages in the evening AND he's offered to cancel, what more do you want? You're adults, not starry eyed teens who need to be glued together to prove you're committed.

steff13 · 02/04/2021 06:36

Maybe the party was already planned, but he didn't think he could go because he was spending the night with you. But since that's not the case, maybe he thought he could do both.

steff13 · 02/04/2021 06:41

HugeAckmansWife I agree with you.

Also, not for nothing, but just because OP isn't spending the night doesn't mean they won't have sex. You can actually have sex any time of day. Just because she's not spending the night doesn't mean things won't get physical.

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