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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be put off by this/ is it casual sexism?

57 replies

Kenshi · 01/04/2021 15:14

Lighthearted as I am honestly about done with men anyway! Just wanting to joke about it.

Had a few dates with this guy, we get on OK so far. On one date, he asked if I'd ever like to have children (neither of us have any yet) I said maybe but I'm not 100% if I will. He said he'd like to. He then went on to say that he'd only like to have boys. He thinks girls are a nightmare. When I asked why, he said because his one sister was always causing a fuss and arguing, while he hasn't had an argument with his brother 'in over 10 years'. Now, this annoyed me but I didn't express it much at the time just allowed us to move onto a different topic. I now wish I'd asked, 'do you think all the females that are born in the world are exactly like your sister? Are all the males in the world like your brother?' I am still feeling put off by it. There are other reasons too though that I won't mention, so I'm not too disappointed anyway. But I'd like to ask, am I being unreasonable to be turned off by that? To me it's crazy. Saying 'I'd like to have children, but EXCLUSIVELY male children'. Personally I'd like to maybe have children of either sex, and while I can understand others having a preference, I think it's extreme when they say they absolutely wouldn't want one of the sexes. Also, being female, it's insulting to me, and it seems as absurd as going to the barber and saying 'I HATE your hair, barber! It's awful! Give me a haircut but absolutely not one like yours!' Like ???????

YANBU = it's a weird thing to say
YABU = almost all/ all guys are like this he's just being honest

OP posts:

Notanotherhun · 01/04/2021 15:15

This is what winds you up? Female children can be a pain, so can boys.

Happycat1212 · 01/04/2021 15:16

I think YABU, most men imo would prefer sons. My own mum said she wishes she only had all boys

Original poster

Kenshi · 01/04/2021 15:26

@Notanotherhun

This is what winds you up? Female children can be a pain, so can boys.

But if they can both be a pain, why single out one which you don't want to have? I find it depressing that in this day and age people can't appreciate children for who they are as individuals and not for their sex .

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 01/04/2021 15:28

YANBU, OP. Casual sexism which quite possibly flags deeper sexism.

I think YABU, most men imo would prefer sons.

And that's a ludicrous untrue generalisation too.

Happycat1212 · 01/04/2021 15:29

It’s not untrue at all, most men if asked would prefer a son over a daughter.

steppemum · 01/04/2021 15:31

weird thing to say.
It just shows a lack of 5 seconds thought. As you say - all girls/women are like his sister

but people do say thoughtless and weird things and sometimes they go home and think WHY did I say that? especially when dating.

So, I would want to return to the topic, but I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker yet. if he is serious about it, then yes, wierdo, get lost.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 15:32

It would wind me up.

It would still wind me up even if he had a preference for positive reasons. For example because he would have more in common with a boy and they could do x sport together. Like girls can't participate or enjoy that sport, that view is, to me, outdated and would put me off.

But it's a negative reason, he is basically saying girls are all shit and high drama. I mean how is that not offensive.

Also would you ever want to have kids with someone who had a 50pc chance of living his nightmare scenario when a partner got pregnant.

Also it's a personal peeve of mine when people can't understand their own personal experience has no bearing on statistical significance and the likelihood of something happening again. I once broke up with a boyfriend because he was always coming out with statements such as 'I dont want to go on holiday there, it always rains', and when I pointed out that climate models show it's generally very dry, he would say 'well my friend went there once and it rained and I don't want to risk it'. Or would say staff at a national chain were all rude because he had one bad experience in one store one time. Its just not logical and does my head in.

Why is he even looking for a female partner if he thinks they are all that bad?

steppemum · 01/04/2021 15:32

@Happycat1212

I think YABU, most men imo would prefer sons. My own mum said she wishes she only had all boys

weird thing to say.

and particularly weird that you say most MEN and then go on to say that your MUM is the one who would like boys.

I think you know a pretty sad group of men to be honest.

Happycat1212 · 01/04/2021 15:34

Of course some women would like sons as well but I think mainly men prefer sons and women prefer daughters, that’s just in general, not that all men want sons and all women want daughters

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/04/2021 15:41

I asked the three men in my immediate family. All said they wanted boys only before they became fathers.
Male A - has one daughter. (Still sad he never had a son.)
Male B - has one boy and two girls. (Clearly favors the boy.)
Male C - has 4 girls. (Doesn't want more of either sex!)

Original poster

Kenshi · 01/04/2021 15:42

@steppemum

weird thing to say. It just shows a lack of 5 seconds thought. As you say - all girls/women are like his sister

but people do say thoughtless and weird things and sometimes they go home and think WHY did I say that? especially when dating.

So, I would want to return to the topic, but I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker yet. if he is serious about it, then yes, wierdo, get lost.

I was thinking this too, about it being one of those things you just say without really thinking. It's good advice to return to the topic and get a fuller response, since it bugs me. If we happen to carry on dating then I will, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kenshi · 01/04/2021 15:44

Another thing I find confusing is that (as a few of you have mentioned) men tend to say they would prefer sons, but there is also that thing about fathers being closer to their daughters, and mothers often being closer to their sons!

Do we just not know what we want?

OP posts:

unbalancedBella · 01/04/2021 15:44

What a lot of generalisations!

My DH always said he'd be happy with boys or girls but would like at least one daughter. Ended up with two (and no sons). He's perfectly happy with this. But then, he's not the type to want to play football in the park with anyone!

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 01/04/2021 15:53

@Happycat1212 you really do come out with some nonsense.
OP, he's allowed to prefer daughters just as everybody else is allowed, although I personally, and all of my family and friends were just delighted to have healthy babies Are you sure he was suggesting that he wouldn't love or want the baby if he had a daughter? Or was it just awkward date chat and he was just rambling on about how annoying his sister was?

ErrolTheDragon · 01/04/2021 16:02

@Happycat1212

It’s not untrue at all, most men if asked would prefer a son over a daughter.

Got any stats to prove that? Not true among the people I know.

Happycat1212 · 01/04/2021 16:07

You’re asking on a website used mainly by women, go and ask on a men’s website, the ones you know probably just won’t admit it for fear of judgment so go with the whole “as long as they’re healthy” line 🙄

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 01/04/2021 16:11

@Happycat1212

Why are you so certain that you know what 'most' men think? Seriously, where do you get this shit from?

ErrolTheDragon · 01/04/2021 16:11

You’re asking on a website used mainly by women,

Mostly by parents, who know what they and their DP think.

Of course, there are some cultures with such a strong pro-son bias that there are fewer girls born/survive infancy. Which is pretty much the worst depths of sexism.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 16:17

A lot of men - not all - want boys. My grandad definitely did because there was a farm to pass down. He got seven girls! 🤣

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 01/04/2021 16:19

Ask any of my ds's (lots) and they will allls say they def don't want daughters...
They have 2 younger dsis 's who drive them nuts.
I am sure they don't actually mean they would drown /sell /leave a dd at a shop....

Comtesse · 01/04/2021 16:33

He sounds a bit dense to me. That would put me off quite a bit.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/04/2021 16:41

Yes it's sexist. No YANBU. It's also very stupid to think that his one example of his relationship with his sister and brother is representative of other people or a prediction of how he would interact with any children.

I cannot fathom how a man could think it acceptable and attractive to state to a woman he's trying to date that he finds all women to be "a nightmare".

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 16:57

And my husband genuinely had no preference around the sex of either of our children

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 01/04/2021 16:59

I think it is casual sexism.

SingingSands · 01/04/2021 17:04

His argument is rather weak because he would be the parent of a baby, it wouldn't be his sibling, the relationship is different.

Also, despite the sex, we all know that toddlers are mini-terrorists who absolutely will argue with their parents, over the slightest and most bizarre things

He doesn't sound sexist per-se, he sound immature.

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