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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this/ is it casual sexism?

57 replies

Kenshi · 01/04/2021 15:14

Lighthearted as I am honestly about done with men anyway! Just wanting to joke about it.

Had a few dates with this guy, we get on OK so far. On one date, he asked if I'd ever like to have children (neither of us have any yet) I said maybe but I'm not 100% if I will. He said he'd like to. He then went on to say that he'd only like to have boys. He thinks girls are a nightmare. When I asked why, he said because his one sister was always causing a fuss and arguing, while he hasn't had an argument with his brother 'in over 10 years'. Now, this annoyed me but I didn't express it much at the time just allowed us to move onto a different topic. I now wish I'd asked, 'do you think all the females that are born in the world are exactly like your sister? Are all the males in the world like your brother?' I am still feeling put off by it. There are other reasons too though that I won't mention, so I'm not too disappointed anyway. But I'd like to ask, am I being unreasonable to be turned off by that? To me it's crazy. Saying 'I'd like to have children, but EXCLUSIVELY male children'. Personally I'd like to maybe have children of either sex, and while I can understand others having a preference, I think it's extreme when they say they absolutely wouldn't want one of the sexes. Also, being female, it's insulting to me, and it seems as absurd as going to the barber and saying 'I HATE your hair, barber! It's awful! Give me a haircut but absolutely not one like yours!' Like Confused ???????

YANBU = it's a weird thing to say
YABU = almost all/ all guys are like this he's just being honest

OP posts:
nokidshere · 01/04/2021 17:07

My mum wanted boys. She stopped bothering after 6 girls.

Personally I think lots of people have a preference, even if they don't say it out loud. This early on in relationship I would have laughed at him and said 'you know you don't get to choose right'?

FireflyRainbow · 01/04/2021 17:09

YABU. I said I wanted sons over daughters as I was such a bitch as a teen i didn't think I'd cope with a mini me, and my brothers were and always have been super laid back.

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 17:11

I don't think it's sexism. I've heard women express this view, ie they'd like a boy next time as their daughter is harder work. I've got a teen DD and a teen DSS - months between them, almost the same age. DSS is far more laid back in general than my DD!

Zancah · 01/04/2021 17:14

As a parent of both, I agree that girls are more hard work. They are far nastier in their approach to conflict.
But, the boys have worked out how easy it is to wind the girls up so everything is a constant battle at the moment.

Don't have kids, problem solved! Grin

ErrolTheDragon · 01/04/2021 17:29

Lots of casually sexist answers on the thread too, unsurprisingly.

expectopelargonium · 01/04/2021 17:34

Does he understand enough about biology to know that he can't choose to let only Y sperm out and not the X ones?

What would he expect to happen if any potential offspring turn out to be female?

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 17:37

I wanted sons over daughters as I was such a bitch as a teen i didn't think I'd cope with a mini me

My teen DD is most definitely a mini me. It's both a blessing and curse at times! Karma for what I put my parents through back then. Grin

ErrolTheDragon · 01/04/2021 17:43

Does he understand enough about biology to know that he can't choose to let only Y sperm out and not the X ones?

Theoretically possible, but ethically dubious, to say the least, and generally illegal, except for a few sex linked conditions where it's more often the Y which are undesirable.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spermsorting#Inn_humans

SnackSizeRaisin · 01/04/2021 18:01

I think a lot of people genuinely do want boys. Just going off reactions from family members to being told my children were male or female (have one of each). Several expressed disappointment that the first was a girl, followed by relief that the second was a boy.
I didn't care myself and don't think DP does either..so was rather taken aback by the strength of reaction from certain people.

ThornAmongstRoses · 01/04/2021 18:18

My husband had always said he wanted boys (based on his perceptions of girls in the job he’s in) but it was always light hearted banter.

He would have loved our baby if it was a girl in the exact same way he would if he were a boy.

I really wouldn’t get too wound up about someone’s comments regarding what sex they’d prefer of their hypothetical babies.

user68901 · 01/04/2021 18:26

pretty sure my husband just wanted a healthy baby. We've got 2 girls but think he'd have liked a boy who might have enjoyed the same sports as him.

Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 18:31

Yeah boys are so laid back compared to girls, i wonder if all those wife beaters and rapists were chill as kids Hmm

Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 18:35

'They are far nastier in their approach to conflict'! Not in my experience

NinthCircle · 01/04/2021 18:41

@Comtesse

He sounds a bit dense to me. That would put me off quite a bit.
This. It sounds monumentally thick, with a side order of sexism.

I mean, had he figured out that he was actually this to a woman? Whom he liked enough to go on several dates with? Who wasn't his sister, just like all the other girls and women in the world aren't his sister?

I get on far better with my fair-haired sister than my brunette sister, but I haven't converted that individual experience into some kind of universal rule about dark-haired women being obtuse.

Original poster
Kenshi · 01/04/2021 21:17

To be honest this is my gut feeling too. I feel quite like he wasn't really thinking when he said it, so arguably it's not so serious in that sense like how we can all say silly things without thinking, so not necessarily malicious. But at the same time it also shows to me that he has a rigid view of males and females which is a bit outdated. I'm not one to deny there is any difference between males and females but in my opinion there is more difference between individual people's personalities regardless of their sex. It sort of smacks of just accepting gender stereotypes withour question and also it's a bit thoughtless to bad mouth girls in front of me when I am a woman.

I'd also like to repeat what I said earlier which no one seems to have addressed at all, which is despite people often wanting a child of their own sex before they have any, after they have kids, it is said that mothers are often closer to their sons 'mummy's boys' and fathers are often closer to their daughters 'daddy's girls'. What do we think of that contradiction?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kenshi · 01/04/2021 21:18

My last post was supposed to quote the previous post by @NinthCircle

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 01/04/2021 21:41

There are many people around with these daft opinions. They are usually from people who have never had kids! I never fail to be entertained by this ridiculous notion that boys are all cuddly and chilled out and girls are nasty and manipulative. Not in my house they weren't!

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 01/04/2021 21:43

@Kenshi - why is it a contradiction? What evidence do you have that parents prefer children of their own sex? You've just decided it's a contradiction, despite many posters saying that is not in their experience at all. It sounds like you're just making stuff up. And trying to invent some huge societal issue.

Original poster
Kenshi · 01/04/2021 21:57

[quote Beseigedbykillersquirrels]@Kenshi - why is it a contradiction? What evidence do you have that parents prefer children of their own sex? You've just decided it's a contradiction, despite many posters saying that is not in their experience at all. It sounds like you're just making stuff up. And trying to invent some huge societal issue.[/quote]
Perhaps contradiction is the wrong word, but there are certainly 2 common ideas in society about the sex of children that you have. One is that people seem to want (and expect others to want) children of their own sex, the other is that people tend to note (after having children) that fathers are often closest to their daughters and mothers are often closest to their sons.
Now, I don't think I belong to either of these categories (despite not having children yet) as I can easily imagine myself enjoying being a mother to a child of either sex. I'm just pointing out that these are two of the bigger ideas that come up regarding the sex of children and I'd like to hear people's opinions on it. Because to me, it seems a shame that people place so much emphasis on something as trivial as sex, which in mt opinion isn't a huge deal, especially in childhood before you have matured. You can understand it decades ago when women had less place in society and were potentially more of a burden on a family before they were married, but these days with women being so able to provide for themselves in their adult life (in some countries), I feel it's outdated to prefer boys over girls.

OP posts:
Shnuffles · 01/04/2021 22:04

I wouldn't care if a boyfriend casually said he'd rather have a son than a daughter, just as I think I'd rather have a daughter than a son. It's normal enough to have a theoretical preference, so long as you know that you'd love a child of either sex and realise that every child is unique and will have his/her own personality, regardless of sex. But his rationale is strange and off-putting, and I probably wouldn't want to get serious with him, knowing that about him.

Naunet · 01/04/2021 22:09

As a parent of both, I agree that girls are more hard work. They are far nastier in their approach to conflict

Wow. Where are the Not All Men crew now? Anything to say about this?

aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2021 22:10

I would find it off putting too, though I will admit to thinking similar things about male children.

I think it's more off putting this way around due to the context of the sexist society we live/have lived in. I wouldn't have much time for a man who would say this.

Shnuffles · 01/04/2021 22:11

The "daddy's girl"/"mummy's boy" thing doesn't always hold true, either, btw. I love both my parents, but I'm closer to my mother.

As for my stated theoretical preference for a daughter, I'm sure I could love either a son or a daughter, but I have experience being a girl, so I know a lot of things to do with a girl. Some of my personal hobbies and interests are more likely to appeal to a girl, as well, and it's nice to think of sharing those with a daughter. However, I do know that if I had a daughter, she might not like the same things I do, whereas some boys might enjoy my "traditionally feminine" hobbies.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 22:14

I have a brother. I'd say we are both close with both my parents. I don't think there is any big pattern in families I know with mixed sex siblings as its about family dynamics and personalities as much as anything else. Also what stage of life people are at. I was probably closest to my mum as a toddler, then my dad as a child, then my mum as a teen just because of various things going on in our lives and what hobbies and interests we had at the time.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 22:19

"As a parent of both, I agree that girls are more hard work. They are far nastier in their approach to conflict"

Again why do people think that having two examples makes them an expert on all children?

I have a friend with an older girl and a younger boy. She said she was surprised how her boy is so much more active and destructive than her girl and toddler boys are much harder. Well I have found the same with my second girl, she can't sit still for long compared to her sister, wants to break everything, climb everything, make a mess. How do people know it's not just the individual childrens personalities rather than the sex that are determining these behaviours

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