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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this/ is it casual sexism?

57 replies

Kenshi · 01/04/2021 15:14

Lighthearted as I am honestly about done with men anyway! Just wanting to joke about it.

Had a few dates with this guy, we get on OK so far. On one date, he asked if I'd ever like to have children (neither of us have any yet) I said maybe but I'm not 100% if I will. He said he'd like to. He then went on to say that he'd only like to have boys. He thinks girls are a nightmare. When I asked why, he said because his one sister was always causing a fuss and arguing, while he hasn't had an argument with his brother 'in over 10 years'. Now, this annoyed me but I didn't express it much at the time just allowed us to move onto a different topic. I now wish I'd asked, 'do you think all the females that are born in the world are exactly like your sister? Are all the males in the world like your brother?' I am still feeling put off by it. There are other reasons too though that I won't mention, so I'm not too disappointed anyway. But I'd like to ask, am I being unreasonable to be turned off by that? To me it's crazy. Saying 'I'd like to have children, but EXCLUSIVELY male children'. Personally I'd like to maybe have children of either sex, and while I can understand others having a preference, I think it's extreme when they say they absolutely wouldn't want one of the sexes. Also, being female, it's insulting to me, and it seems as absurd as going to the barber and saying 'I HATE your hair, barber! It's awful! Give me a haircut but absolutely not one like yours!' Like Confused ???????

YANBU = it's a weird thing to say
YABU = almost all/ all guys are like this he's just being honest

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 01/04/2021 22:21

girls are more hard work. They are far nastier in their approach to conflict.

But boys are much more likely than girls to maim and kill family, friends and strangers when they grow up so that evens out the "bitchy" comments and the occasional thwack with a hairbrush, right?

Wearywithteens · 01/04/2021 22:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Kenshi · 01/04/2021 22:26

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

"As a parent of both, I agree that girls are more hard work. They are far nastier in their approach to conflict"

Again why do people think that having two examples makes them an expert on all children?

I have a friend with an older girl and a younger boy. She said she was surprised how her boy is so much more active and destructive than her girl and toddler boys are much harder. Well I have found the same with my second girl, she can't sit still for long compared to her sister, wants to break everything, climb everything, make a mess. How do people know it's not just the individual childrens personalities rather than the sex that are determining these behaviours

Exactly this! My parents experienced something similar, I was their first born and was apparently a 'textbook' baby in that I hit all the milestones at the average times and only cried when something was wrong. They had a surprise when their next daughter came along and was slower and screamed for the best part of 5 years, to the point where people would remark on the exceptional noise. My next sister and brother (4 of us in total) deviated a bir from gender stereotypes in that my sister is very sure of herself and doesn't rely on praise from others much,whereas my brother is very sensitive. I believe that while sex causes some variation on average, there is much more nuance between individual children's personalities of either sex than people appreciate
OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 01/04/2021 22:36

Perhaps contradiction is the wrong word, but there are certainly 2 common ideas in society about the sex of children that you have. One is that people seem to want (and expect others to want) children of their own sex, the other is that people tend to note (after having children) that fathers are often closest to their daughters and mothers are often closest to their sons.

Surely this is just covering all bases, though? You'll either be a mother to daughters/father to sons, and achieve what you believe to be everybody's wish, and love your children. Or you'll be a mother to sons/father to daughters, which you seem to think is the booby prize, and love your children. I really think you're trying to make an issue out of nothing. All you're saying is that whether mothers have daughters or sons they love them and whether fathers have sons or daughters they love them. There's no hidden agenda and you don't need to look for excuses or labels for this. The vast majority of parents just love their children, regardless of their sex.

Original poster
Kenshi · 01/04/2021 22:44

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

Perhaps contradiction is the wrong word, but there are certainly 2 common ideas in society about the sex of children that you have. One is that people seem to want (and expect others to want) children of their own sex, the other is that people tend to note (after having children) that fathers are often closest to their daughters and mothers are often closest to their sons.

Surely this is just covering all bases, though? You'll either be a mother to daughters/father to sons, and achieve what you believe to be everybody's wish, and love your children. Or you'll be a mother to sons/father to daughters, which you seem to think is the booby prize, and love your children. I really think you're trying to make an issue out of nothing. All you're saying is that whether mothers have daughters or sons they love them and whether fathers have sons or daughters they love them. There's no hidden agenda and you don't need to look for excuses or labels for this. The vast majority of parents just love their children, regardless of their sex.

You might be right and I honestly hope you are! I'm not saying that I think parents love their children less for the sex that they are, I think that realistically most parents love all their children. But at times the discourse and focus around the sex of children seems overwhelming to me. I know that sex is something that determines a lot about your life and you can't escape from that, but there is also much more to everyone's life regardless of sex and I really wish that in this day and age it wasn't such a huge focus from birth.

It honestly really annoyed me when he said he wouldn't want to have girls. I found it insulting to my sex and also it puts me off having anything to do with him. Perhaps I am being unreasonable but that's how it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kenshi · 01/04/2021 22:55

I think that basically, there is a significant difference between saying 'I'd prefer boys' and 'I don't want girls'. And frankly there is no need, unless you're a peasant in the middle ages then fair dos.

OP posts:
Zancah · 01/04/2021 23:34

Fucking mumsnet and their armchair experts 😂 take one tiny sentence and twist it to fit whatever you want it to mean.
Lol, I don't "prefer" our boys and my husband doesn't prefer our girls. I tell all of my kids that I love them, multiple times a day, every day without fail. And, like fuck am I going to justify anything to you lot. Over and out 😂😂😂

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