to consider a job which would mean not seeing my children 2 days a week

[BlueRaincoat1]

I have 2 dc, age 5 and 2.5. I currently WFH, 4 days a week, so see them in the morning, at dinner time, in the evening and on weekends. I also have the little one for the whole day on my non-working day.

I have seen a new role advertised which interests me a lot. It is a long way away, a very lengthy commute. If they let me do 4 days per week, I could potentially do 2 days at home, 2 in the office. On the office days, I would be gone before the dc are up, and home after they are asleep. I wouldn't take the role if they don't let me do it over 4 days, with 2 from home.

AIBU to consider this...? I dont think there has been a single day when I have not sen my dc since they were born.

Why do you think it could be a bad idea?

What are your circs at home?

Don't underestimate how exhausting those 2 days will be for you.
I think your current set up sounds perfect to be able to juggle work, kids and homelife. With your children being so young I would not be considering very long days or commute. (Long commutes can be hell)

Have you done such a lengthy commute before, even two days a week? It can really take its toll, and I wouldn't apply for that reason. But two days without seeing the children awake wouldn't bother me (or them, once they get used to it).

Cross-posted with Twistered or I could have just said I agree.

How lengthy is the commute?

I would hate it personally.

I wouldn't do it, personally. I've always chosen jobs where I could be home in time for tea. That makes me happy, and it makes my kids happy. Even now they're older, I'll never trade it in.

If it's a fab job then I'd consider it. Do you have support at home?

How long a commute are we talking? It would have to be really, really good to be worth it!

The commute would probably mean leaving the house at 6am, being back at 9pm twice a week. I have done many commutes in the past, but nothing like that. It will mostly involve sitting on a train.
The current set up is great to be honest in terms of flexibility around the dc. I have a great dh, who can also work quite flexibly, often from home.

The only problem is I find my current job v stressful, and Im not sure I can keep it up in the long run. The new role would be a big change, and possibly less frantic all of the time

For your own sanity would it be cheaper and less tiring to stay overnight on one of those days at a premier inn or similar?

YANBU to consider it but I would echo PP's concerns re exhaustion of commuting. I did the exact set up you're describing for 18 months (with DC age 2, 5 and 7) because I found me dream job and it very nearly broke me.

I loved the work (once I was there) but the early starts, regularly delayed and overcrowded trains and late finishes were utterly exhausting. Plus the fact that there were almost always two out of three children up and in tears as I was leaving the house for the train station(at 6.20am) which was hard. I was insanely quiet getting ready but they ALWAYS woke up.

Would your OH be able to top and tail the days? We had an amazing nanny for the two days I worked, she stoned and sorted breakfast, school run, washing, looked after the little one, did tea/playdates etc and got them all in the bath until DH got home. We couldn't have done it without her.

I don't regret taking the job by the way, it was awesome. You may have more energy than me (!) but definitely worth considering the down sides and how to mitigate them.

Lots of typos, sorry. Our nanny was definitely not stoned 😂

Have your two office days together, stay overnight somewhere, so you can work late/early and minimise some of the impact on family time?

If your oh is supportive I actually think it sounds great. Two days on which you can be an actual grown up without childcare responsibilities and a strict deadline to be home and the rest family focussed. If this was a man's career that would be thought of as a great work life balance.

I did it. I worked 3-4 15 hour days per week and on those days my dc "lived" with my mum. (I'm a single parent) They were older though when i started, 7 and 9ish iirc.
It worked really well though. I had a job I loved, dc were safe and cared for. And the days we had together were brilliant.

Also consider whether, if it turns out you do really love the job, you would be able to move nearer.

@whensmynexthol1day

For your own sanity would it be cheaper and less tiring to stay overnight on one of those days at a premier inn or similar?

I was about to suggest this. I know 1 person who foes this level of commute and get leaves at 5.30 on the Wednesday, stays overnight in the town where the job is and gets back at 8 on the Thursday.

Yeah staying overnight near the job sounds arguably more sensible than coming all the way home for just 9 hours in the house. Depending on travel costs, might even work out cheaper too.

But it is young to leave them. Would your partner be able to cover the time? How does he feel about it?

at the stoned nanny!
Thanks for the answers.
@Bicnod your perspective is very helpful - we wouldn't get a nanny, my dh would deal with the dc on those two days, collecting from after school club/ nursery around 5,45/6pm. He does compressed hours, so would have one of those days off, meaning he would only have a particularity tricky day once a week.
I think Im being a bit rose tinted about the commute - I was thinking a long sit down a few times a week sounded quite appealing!

I know plenty of people who do find they enjoy their commute OP! I think it very much depends on what kind of train you're on, frequency of delays etc. An intercity train is likely to be preferable to a packed commuter train

I think Im being a bit rose tinted about the commute - I was thinking a long sit down a few times a week sounded quite appealing!

It'll probably feel like a treat at first, but the novelty wears off very quickly and it soon becomes intolerable. At least for most people.

If you get a seat, and it's not crowded, sure. If you end up having to stand for three hours twice a day, with your nose pressed into some bloke's armpit, that's no fun at all.

So you don't have an offer yet OP? If it's external then I think it's always worth applying and honing your interview skills. It's possible that they wouldn't be happy with 2 Days a week from home and then you wouldn't want to take it. Alternatively they might be more flexible than you think and okay with 3 days at home and they would be perfect. I would apply or at least enquire and take it from there. As to whether it's doable though I think it depends on your support. If both you and DH wouldn't see the kids over the two days then that would be a no for me personally. If he's supportive and has flexibility and you feel your kids would be fine then this could be great. Personally I think any job from 6am to 9pm would take so much our of me that I would be less than productive the next day so it wouldn't be worth it for me. Good luck getting the job!

I work three long days (7.30-9pm) a week on a rota system. I don't see DD(2) on those days apart from whilst I'm getting up in the morning... BUT it means I get four days at home, two of which are dedicated to being with her. I get more time with her than if I was doing mon-fri 9-5.
Pro's and con's, just weigh them up.

@ilovepuppies2019 Thanks! No offer yet, just trying to decide how gung-ho to be about it. There is some food for thought here.
I don't think I could do the 2 days together, I wouldn't be ok with not seeing the dcs for 2 days in a row.
My dh is great, and would defo be ok with dealing with the dcs on my long days - in fact he would have one of the days off to spend with the little one alone.
The risk of train breakdowns and delays is a problem.