to consider a job which would mean not seeing my children 2 days a week

[BlueRaincoat1]

I have 2 dc, age 5 and 2.5. I currently WFH, 4 days a week, so see them in the morning, at dinner time, in the evening and on weekends. I also have the little one for the whole day on my non-working day.

I have seen a new role advertised which interests me a lot. It is a long way away, a very lengthy commute. If they let me do 4 days per week, I could potentially do 2 days at home, 2 in the office. On the office days, I would be gone before the dc are up, and home after they are asleep. I wouldn't take the role if they don't let me do it over 4 days, with 2 from home.

AIBU to consider this...? I dont think there has been a single day when I have not sen my dc since they were born.

If your DH is around to do drop-off and pick-up, I would stay overnight in a Premier Inn or similar.

So, leave at 6am on Monday - do a long commute - work all day - stay in a hotel (so get a quiet evening, a good night's sleep and get up at a normal time), work the next day and get home late.

Then you have your two days WFH and a day off afterwards.

I wouldn't do that length of commute otherwise.

I think it pays to think about how you'd feel on tricky days: what if they're not well and you can't see them for another two full days, or you're up ill with them in the night then have to leave for a 15 hour day?

I know your DH is available and that's great for the family, I'm just trying to think of how I would feel. I'm not sure I'd be able to do it for long.

Wouldn't your children miss you though?

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

(Thats quite a name!)
Yes I expect they would, its the main reason I'm really not sure about it. I'm trying to decide if 'making them' me because there would be 2 days a week when they don't see me is reasonable/fair or not. It would be a big change.

I’m a HCP and do 13 hour shifts, I’m usually gone before they wake up and home we’ll after bedtime. I only do two days a week. It doesn’t bother me or them in the slightest, it’s just the way it’s always been. I sneak in & give them a kiss when I get home but tbh it’s lovely to have a night off from the tedium of the bedtime routine

It's tiring, but many parents (usually dads) have to spend a lot more than 2 days without seeing their kids.

If the job is worth it, and your confident with your childcare solutions, why wouldn't you?

Commuting IS shit, but only 2 days a week? It's not the end of the world.
Many of us would take that in a heartbeat!

That sounds quite normal to me but I know a lot of people who work 12 hr shifts and this is just life. Out the house before kids are up and back after bedtime.

@longestlurkerever

If your oh is supportive I actually think it sounds great. Two days on which you can be an actual grown up without childcare responsibilities and a strict deadline to be home and the rest family focussed. If this was a man's career that would be thought of as a great work life balance.

This. If you're arriving home to a sorted house, kids in bed, jobs done etc then yes. If you're arriving home to a bomb site kitchen, over flowing wash baskets and empty fridge, then no.

OP, I commute from Birmingham to London twice a week (to save costs I travel on the slow train, door to door it's 2.5 hours to get there and the same back - however there is nearly always issues with the trains out of Euston and honestly some weeks it can be 5+ hours getting home). I am a single mum with 12 year old. I find it so tiring and just want to crawl into bed when I get back. I love my job but lockdown has made me question the absolute ridiculousness of all that travel and I have been applying for jobs. And I know it's a job you want but tbh the grass isn't always greener in a new organisation. I am hopeful that post-covid more jobs will be WFH (my current job will never be WFH full time) and that might open up options. What I would suggest is apply for the job because you don't want to be thinking "what if...?" And if you get it, actually do the commute for two days and see how you find it - obviously in lockdown it won't be a true reflection but gives you a good idea. Good luck.

I’ve done it - made me a better more switched on parent when I was with them, as I’d missed them and enjoyed / relished the time with them more

(Used to drop kids off at my mums on a Sunday eve and pick them up on Tuesday eve)
Also they had a ball without me!

I think you should consider it, if it is your dream job and is what you want to do.

I had a lengthy commute (pre covid) and will be going back to doing it. I have young children too.

It can be done and will work if you want it to, though I appreciate not every parent would want to do a long commute before and after a busy workday.

Often I am not home in time for my children"s bedtime, but modern technology allows me to speak to them or read them a bedtime story on the train home.

I actually like my commute, but you do need a contingency plan for you if the train is majorly delayed and you also need to factor in the costs of commuting. Annual season tickets can be eye wateringly expensive.

Is it a straight forward direct commute or do you need to change train lines? The more changes you need to make on your commute the more that can go wrong. Eg. Train Connections missing each other.

Will the job bring you more money or a better quality of life? I am not asking about the family here, I am asking about you? Will doing it - even for a year, or two - significantly improve your ability to further your development or career goals?

I understand that you don't want to miss your kids, but they have an actively involved father. And I think in most cases, if DH's said this is what they were doing, women would just be expected to pick up the slack so I have no issue with him doing more care either.

This for me is what's right for you not as a mother or wife but as a person.

I think if the job was worth it. So more money, better career prospects etc, then yes I’d definitely do it. Especially if your DH is happy about it and can deal with the kids so you’re not worrying about being late home or anything.

I’d probably look to do what others suggested which is have the working days together, stay overnight and therefore work a little bit longer that first day, and go in earlier the second day and then hopefully leave a little early and be home by a reasonable time that evening.

Also I have small children so the thought of a night a week in hotel alone sounds amazing. I’m sure the novelty would wear off quickly though.

On those terms, yes. It will likely keep your home set up feeling equal. Good luck.

@GoWalkabout

On those terms, yes. It will likely keep your home set up feeling equal. Good luck.

I think this is a good point. Is good to have some days where dad is primary carer. Builds a different kind of dynamic

I work three days - pre Covid this was out of the house, travelling the country, long days.
I frequently didn't see my kids during that time but had a supportive DH and was very involved on the four days I was around.
Now I WFH and tbf I am doing a lot more picking up of domestic stuff than I'm comfortable with and would like to get back to a more even split dynamic.
So yes - would do it
My children are 8 and 10 - no issues

Quite a lot of people do it..nurses, police etc work long shifts our kids generally with their other parent and they’ve always been fine they don’t know any different tbh I commute an hour each way so up and out by 6, home by 9. Kids are older now so see the older 2 after work (16&20) younger 2 (10&11) with their dad. Been a nurse - qualified 16 years 3 years training prior so kids grown up with it, my 2 younger sons dad is police so when he’s in work I’m off and vice Versa it can be a juggling act. Does mean one parent is there for pick ups etc you’d be fine op, kids adapt & have both parents able to provide equal care and work too

Op go for it.

You aren't happy where you are, so need something new. If it doesn't work you can look closer to home and cite the distance as the reason you left.

Lots of jobs mean kids not seeing the parents a few days a week, most doctors and nurses for example working 12+ hours.

Agree doing a sleepover might be less hard on your body but can understand why you wouldn't want to do two days in a row

My husband is considering jobs with 2h commutes and 2 days in the office a week - he will stay overnight and have 2 long days, it's the only viable long term solution. But do get it in writing in your contract that the 2 days will be consistent each week and they won't bring you in for an odd meeting here or there...

God no I couldn’t, I returned 4 days a wk and then 5 days with my first, leaving at 8 back at 6, the morning and evening together (although not a lot of time on paper), kept me going. 2 days doesn’t sound a lot but over 100 days a year it’s a lot when added up, your kids are so little (and yes I’d say the same to a man too).

I do two days in a row and sleepover. It means I can work late on the first day and have a decent sleep. The cost of the hotel is the same as only having to buy one train ticket a week and not two.

I work away 4 to 5 days a week and have DC ages 5 and 9. Perfectly doable . I do all my work during the week go to bed early to compensate for the driving. In your case just stay away one night a week.

I would see at as an opportunity for my DH to parent fully 2 days per week. I would also have benefited from the "alone" time commuting!

I work as a nurse and it's 13 hour shifts. I only work 2 days and for those 2 days (if my child is up early I may see her for 5 mins) I don't see my child. However I'm off 5 days per week!