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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider a job which would mean not seeing my children 2 days a week

65 replies

BlueRaincoat1 · 31/03/2021 15:25

I have 2 dc, age 5 and 2.5. I currently WFH, 4 days a week, so see them in the morning, at dinner time, in the evening and on weekends. I also have the little one for the whole day on my non-working day.

I have seen a new role advertised which interests me a lot. It is a long way away, a very lengthy commute. If they let me do 4 days per week, I could potentially do 2 days at home, 2 in the office. On the office days, I would be gone before the dc are up, and home after they are asleep. I wouldn't take the role if they don't let me do it over 4 days, with 2 from home.

AIBU to consider this...? I dont think there has been a single day when I have not sen my dc since they were born.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueRaincoat1 · 31/03/2021 19:18

These replies have been so helpful. The time away from the dcs does worry me - but their dad is fab, and they are generally lovely, happy children. They both went to nursery at 1, the first went 5 days a week, the 2nd went 3 days a week. I turned myself inside out about whether 5 days a week for a one yr old was a terrible thing to do, but he did brilliantly, I can honestly say it worked really well for him.
Maybe this would be similar, and its not like they wouldn't see either of us. I completely see the logic in running both days together but I'm not sure that would be for me, especially to start with.

OP posts:

WaterBottle123 · 31/03/2021 20:00

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

Wouldn't your children miss you though?

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

Would you ask this if Op were a man?

DancesWithDaffodils · 31/03/2021 20:08

If you run both days together, could you start early the second day, to be back before bedtime?

The kids will possibly object initially, because it is a change, but they will be fine - both DH and I travelled for work, and regularly didnt see the kuds for a couple of day. They are big enough for them to understand what is going on.

Harrystylesismyjam · 31/03/2021 20:14

I did NHS shift work for years working 13.5 hour shifts, leaving the house before the kids got up and not getting home until after they were in bed. I don’t think it’s that unusual a thing to do. It’s tiring though. Don’t underestimate how difficult it will be for many reasons but I’d put not seeing the kids for two days towards the bottom the list.

Bicnod · 31/03/2021 21:17

I would go for the two days and an overnight stay, starting and leaving earlier on the second day so you can be back for kids bedtime. Then it's only one day they don't actually see you. I think if I could have done this it would have made a huge difference.

If you think you'll regret not taking it then I say go for it. Once you've proved how brilliant you are (as I'm sure you will) you could potentially ask for more flexible working (perhaps just one day in the office for example). Nothing is ever set in stone...

NumbIcanbe · 31/03/2021 21:27

I wouldn't want to work such long hours on then off like you're planning. Unless there is a very specific reason why only this job in this location is necessary I don't think I could do it. Working long shifts often involves a different working pattern like 3 day's on/off, or to work away for a couple of weeks then have an extended period of time at home. You're trying to condense normal office hours into a 4 day week, alternating a long commute with days wfh. I think that's the hardest combination in some ways, as you'll never have a chunk of time to focus on either work or home life and may feel too split.

In a previous job I had to do a 3 train journey a couple times a month to London and my DD (who was 3-5years old at the time) would insist on waiting up until I got home about 8.30PM, then I'd have to read her a story and coax her to sleep, which when you're knackered from being on the go since 5am and just wanting a shower and PJ on, was hard! I know for many people, especially those who commute to London, this seems to be just normal life, but I started to dread it so much. And like other have said, the trains are often delayed, adding to the journey.

SarahAndQuack · 31/03/2021 21:51

I did this for a few months, and it was meant to be much longer (covid happened). I'd gone from being the SAHM to days away when DD was 2.5, and DD didn't mind in the slightest. She minded when I phoned/skyped while I was away as that reminded her I wasn't there, but otherwise she was not fussed at all. I am not contemplating doing it again and, again, I'm fairly sure it will be fine.

The commute does get tedious. But 6am-9pm sounds quite doable. Mine was rural Yorkshire to Dublin and I was regularly up before 6 on the first day, then overnight in Dublin, then back home around 1-2am. I enjoyed the first day but the late night back was a real killer because my sleep was so uneven. If you can fit the commute into a regular sleep cycle, it will be better.

I would look at it as a thing to explore. Maybe commit for a year, or two? Anyone can do a couple of years with some awkward bits. Then if, after a year, you hate it, you are in a stronger position to negotiate with work (because you've made the effort), and you also have a better sense of what you/your family need?

SarahAndQuack · 31/03/2021 21:52

(Sorry, that wasn't clear - I mean, I've done long days/distance working many times. My most recent experience only lasted a few months.)

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 31/03/2021 21:58

It's a train so you could sleep or doze if you wished to. I think worth considering.

Aroundtheroaringcandle · 31/03/2021 22:05

I agree with PP if you were a man that would be considered a really good home life balance. Let your partner take the lead on those days you’re working long hours, as long as they have a parent at home it doesn’t need to always be you. You’re a team!

Changechangychange · 31/03/2021 22:06

I work compressed hours, so on some days I am out of the house from 8-10pm. DS is 4 and is completely fine about it, I wouldn’t give that a second thought. He was also fine with nightshifts, and weeks of long days back when I did those - I used to get up with him in the night to reassure him I was back, and he seemed happy enough with that (I’d have gone again by morning).

It’s the commuting that would put me off - I had a one-year secondment to Stevenage when I lived in South London, which was 90 mins each way on paper. In practice if the trains were fucked or I missed a connection it could take upwards of 3hrs to get home at night. I was really glad to be shut of it, even though the job itself was lovely.

NotATomato · 31/03/2021 22:09

I don’t see that as any different from when I worked long days, 12 hour shifts and got the tube to and from work.

Toothpaste123 · 31/03/2021 22:22

They are only this little once. I used to not see my dc either in the morning or before bed most days depending on shifts, and it really affected how close our relationship was. Going for 2 full days without seeing them on a regular basis would break my heart.

BigGreen · 31/03/2021 22:35

I started this setup exactly (2.5h each way two days per week) and then it all got cancelled due to covid! Two days was really enough. I was incredibly productive on those days as I could work on the train. It was massively more expensive that I thought, be sure you price up the peak commute.

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 31/03/2021 23:09

I used to do this pre COVID. Put them to bed Monday night, didn’t see them again till weds night. Then saw them again Friday morning.

We all got used to it, and they had a great nanny and have an excellent dad so they were fine.

But I’m glad now that they are older so when it all starts up again I will see them in the evening before they go to sleep. It is a little bit sad not seeing them much during the week.

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