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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask hubby to remove a girl from his FB

58 replies

LilMrsT · 30/03/2021 22:03

My hubby has always had alot of people on his Facebook from school days teen years etc. When I met him there was a girl who I knew also. She essentially bullied me in my younger years and I really dislike her, I mentioned it to hubby before but he didn't do much. She's became more active on his page liking his status, pics of our kids etc and it's really annoying me I feel she's still laughing at me all these years on. I sent him a serious message about how I felt and reminded him of what she put me through but he says I'm being controlling . I really don't feel I am.. am I??

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/03/2021 22:06

Yanbu- shows a complete disregard for your feelings- it’s such a non issue to remove her I don’t get why he won’t.

Atalantea · 30/03/2021 22:06

Why did you send him a message? Why didn't you talk to him.

I would expect my dh to either remove or restrict someone who caused me pain

AnotherKrampus · 30/03/2021 22:06

To me, this would feel massively disloyal and unsupportive. I'd try to suggest how he would feel if you were to befriend and fawn over some guy that made his childhood or teenage years miserable.

Rae34 · 30/03/2021 22:06

I went through this with a previous boyfriend who remain friends with the person. She was a horror!

I don't know. On the one hand, I don't think you can tell him what to do. On the other, you obviously don't want anything to do with her and yet she's able to see photos of your kids and interact with those photos - I can see why that annoys you.

AnotherKrampus · 30/03/2021 22:07

If he doesn't remove her, then I would actually block him.

Rae34 · 30/03/2021 22:07

can't

mikejardine · 30/03/2021 22:09

Incredibly unsupportive of him. If he knows the backstory, its bad enough that you had to ask, but for you to ask and him to refuse is very uncaring

Original poster

LilMrsT · 30/03/2021 22:10

@atalantea he's at work and I was on a rant, I feel I could have explained better in a message

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2021 22:12

I think it’s better to speak to your partner about this than sending him this at work. I understand your feelings and to some extent I understand why he’s dug his heels in due to how you dealt with it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/03/2021 22:12

Normally I would say people shouldn’t be telling their partner who to be friends with - but in a case like this, I’d expect him to want to be rid of her.

Why are you messaging your own husband?

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 30/03/2021 22:12

He needs to choose you or her. He should block her no questions asked.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/03/2021 22:12

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Normally I would say people shouldn’t be telling their partner who to be friends with - but in a case like this, I’d expect him to want to be rid of her.

Why are you messaging your own husband?

Sorry; cross-posted re: the message.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/03/2021 22:14

Does he respond to her ever? Why does he still want to keep her on his list?

I can see both sides. If he isnt interacting with her then i can see why he thinks it is a bit controlling. Does he not want confrontation with her? But on the other hand he isnt showing much empathy here, it's not that hard to see that it would make most people feel uncomfortable to have their childhood bully looking at pictures of their children.
Could he compromise? Stop posting pictures of your kids or mentioning you? Or put her on restricted access so she can't see anything. If he doesn't want to un friend her

Original poster

LilMrsT · 30/03/2021 22:15

@StillCoughingandLaughing

She's just popped up again and he's on night shift so since we were texting anyway I brought it up as I was annoyed

OP posts:

Icanflyhigh · 30/03/2021 22:21

YANBU it shows a level of disloyalty I don't find acceptable.
As an example, DP had a friend he had known for years before he met me. She took a dislike to me for whatever reason and continually tried to push me out of things that her and DP were interested in, and would say things like "I can't wait to go for a drive in DPs car when it's back on the road"
DPs car is a two seater, and though I never had a problem with her, the way she treated me was enough for DP to remove her as a friend on social media and stop answering her calls. It's just basic loyalty.

Original poster

LilMrsT · 30/03/2021 22:29

I know I don't understand his logic. He's protective of me and kids won't let anyone walk all over us but for some reason removing people from his social media is a no go.. guess I just operate different is never put anyone above my family. Don't know the next move though do I really take this to an argument or ultimatum?

OP posts:

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 30/03/2021 22:33

Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same thing to him? If there was someone that was horrible to him, and you had them as a friend and refused to delete them. How would he feel?

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 30/03/2021 22:34

What if someone was horrible to your children? But was a facebook friend? Would he delete that person?

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/03/2021 22:34

Ask him not to put anything concerning you or the children on his Facebook page, as you don't want your former bully knowing everything about your life. Alternatively he can change his settings so she is still a "friend" but can't see any of his posts.
I think either of those is reasonable.
Wouldn't argue or give an ultimatum though. Sit down face to face when you are both in a good mood and discuss calmly. Hopefully he will understand your point of view.

RedSoloCup · 30/03/2021 22:46

Just go in and put her on his restricted list that means she can only see his pubic posts 🤣😂

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 30/03/2021 22:51

YANBU. It's almost like she's still trying to get under your skin.

ButIcantsitonleather · 30/03/2021 23:01

@LilMrsT

Has he refused?

The fact that she bullied you and is all over his statuses, should be enough to remove her. He’s either juvenile about wanting as many friends as possible, disloyal or both.

sunnydaysareheretostay · 30/03/2021 23:21

You shouldn't even have to ask him he should have removed her! No way would I want anyone on my social media who bullied someone I care about.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 30/03/2021 23:22

This was at school, I would hope she has learnt from it and all grown up, Yabu to expect him to remove her just because you have an issue from school.

Cherrysoup · 30/03/2021 23:29

This was at school, I would hope she has learnt from it and all grown up, Yabu to expect him to remove her just because you have an issue from school.

Being bullied stays with you, it’s a very difficult thing to dismiss and feeling still run very high years later because you’re still affected and recall how awful it was.

If my DH insisted on keeping a school bully on his social media, it’s doubtful I’d trust him. I’d need to know why he was failing to keep me happy over keeping this bully happy. Is she more important to him than the OP? It’s not controlling, it’s a show of love and respect to his partner.

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