To not like this colleague and feeling crap about myself - AIBU

[Nee2125]

I think I might be suffering from some kind of mental health issue or I’m just knackered.

I’m finding everything so difficult and I’m analysing everything! Firstly there’s a colleague in my new place that just annoys the hell out of me. He contacts me on my days off and is just so anxious all the time that he makes my anxiety worse. I have given him so much support. Today I got praise for a job well done and he was eavesdropping and looked and sounded pissed off that I was doing well. He asked he stuff about it and when I told him he made it sound like I was just lucky rather than the hard work I put in! It really pissed me off considering I have helped him all these months. I’m quite angry that I let him speak to me that way. Few other things he did today that don’t sit right with me and I don’t know how to write it down without context so I’ll just write it and hope it makes sense: he hit me on the head with a folder half jokingly but also in a quite malicious way today! It was obvious he was angry about my praise. I didn’t say anything but now I’m thinking I should have at least half jokingly said “wtf?”

I also feel embarrassed that when I got praise I played it down infront of the managers as I was genuinely embarrassed as I hate any sort of attention. I played it down and I think the manager must think I’m a little weird as I looked and sounded quite weird!

I’m feeling quite low and can’t sleep. Just for context I have little ones all under 3 and this job I have I took after a long career break. I want to do well in the job but I feel like I don’t deserve to do well - is this what anyone else has been through? How can I just snap out of this imposter syndrome?

• sorry all under 5 not 3!

Make it a conscious choice. Remind yourself daily that you are good at your job! Next time this colleague acts inappropriately plan what you will do/say.

Block him contacting you on your days off too!

Thank you @RandomMess I muted him but then felt bad. I literally had an hour conversation via text with him few weeks ago but something so trivial that was bothering him.

First I felt sorry for him but today seeing his reaction at me doing well I’m angry I helped him out so much, like how can someone be so nasty

Well done for doing well in your new job. You have received praise because you are doing well. Keep it up and don't doubt yourself.

Distance yourself from colleague if you feel the friendship is one sided. I find it helpful to try and pity people rather than feel bad about myself eg "how miserable to be jealous of me receiving praise. Glad I am not like that."

As for the folder incident have a few phrases rehearsed for next time for this and any other situations. Off to look for some ideas.

Don’t allow any contact on your days off. His anxiety or professional jealousy is not your problem. Stop helping him. Own your own success.

Keep an incident diary and write everything down, because something about him is off.

Stop worrying about other people. Just do your job, accept the praise with a thank you ( and credit others if they were part of the reason you got it) and stop talking about work with your colleagues on your day off.

Thank you all. I just feel angry with myself that I get sucked into peoples problems all the time. I want to work on this. I feel so pissed off that the jealousy was just seeping thru no attempt even to hide it. I don’t want to give this person any more support or my time now.

So don’t. You’re not obliged to like colleagues, only to behave with professional courtesy towards them. Unless your job actually involves you dealing with his anxieties, I would draw right back and concentrate on your work. Never respond to contact outside work hours. And keep an incident log for a HR complaint if necessary.

@Thelnebriati

Keep an incident diary and write everything down, because something about him is off.

This.

You show awareness of your own issues and have acted to curtail the colleague's out of hours calls. You're doing well in your job, so accept the praise. It's yours.

Keep well away from this man, he has trouble written all over him.

The thing is I only just realised how sneaky he is he often text me under pretence on my days off that he hopes I’m having a good day then I respond and then he goes into his problems. I feel bad so I respond. I don’t like seeing people hurting or upset so I feel I have to keep responding to his ridiculousness.

Something is off. Note down all incidents. Go to your line manager about the physical contact.

Remember that you dont have to engage with his questions. You can respond with why do you ask? What do you think? im not discussing this with you. I dont have time for this conversation. Dont worry about hurting his feelings as he clearly doesnt give a shiny shit about yours. You can google grey rock techniques. At the same time be uber professional. Dont give him any more of your time, headspace or energy (your fucks) than is strictly necessary to get the job done. He certainly doesnt admire or respect you and seems to think you are a means to whatever end he deems worthy.

He also starts off conversations trying to catch me out to find out (in his words) “if I also made the same mistake”. It seems like he’s been told off a lot so he tries to subtly ask me about x and y and when I’ve told him and asked why he’s asking he says “just finding out if someone else did same mistake as me”. I felt sorry for him all these months but something just snapped today seeing him so upset that I’m doing well

The folder slap was definitely passive aggressive

I mean, it’s just straight up aggressive actually. He wanted a safe excuse to show his annoyance

Absolutely disengage, you do NOT owe him your time - especially on your day off!

Come up with stock phrases to use while you're working. "Dave, I'm going to have to crack on with this work, if you need help you should check in with [line manager]."

You can't get back the hours you've spent supporting him nor can you undo his disappointing reaction when you were praised yesterday. Perhaps it would be helpful to file those under 'things I've learned' and use that learning as a springboard to a slightly different approach going forwards.

What can you do about this scenario right now that will improve how you feel about it?

Would it help to...
Compose an email to thank your manager for the recognition and say you're out of practice at receiving it but are enjoying being able to contribute?
Investigate your phone settings so frustrating colleague's number is blocked at particular times or perhaps set it up so you don't receive notifications from his number and therefore won't be interrupted by him?
Compose an email to frustrating colleague to let him know you were taken aback that he hit you on the head with a folder yesterday and were lost for words at the time but that you found it inappropriate and unprofessional and felt it was important to let him know this?

Composing (but not necessarily sending until your next work day) those emails or looking into phone settings might be a way for you to process yesterday's happenings and to take back some control. Those can often help to settle the mind.

He’s been put on a kind of plan as he’s not doing well in work. I told him not to worry and I had the same a few years back in my old Job (I didn’t but I said it to make him feel better). I’m just wondering do you think he will try to use this against me considering he’s overheard the manager praising me?

Just read the grey rock technique - it’s brilliant wish I knew that before!

You need to step back and not let him into your personal space.

Put your phone on auto reply - basic ‘I’m not in work today, please call x or roll ring you tomorrow’

These people exist! You’ll only be good for your latest help, he isn’t a friend.

@SE13Mummy thank you that’s brilliant advice I might try composing an email when I get a chance. Wish I could react in the moment instead of thinking if it hours later!

You are neither his mother nor his emotional punch bag. Stop caring about his feelings and start caring about your own.

You have been told you are doing well in the job so you're obviously good at it. When he asks for help, say you're now too busy and refer him back to your manager. If you are made to help him, then your manager knows and you get credit for that, too.

Just read the update about saying you'd been on a plan to make him feel better. Please don't ever do that again. His performance is his responsibility and you owe him nothing.

Is it your work or personal phone? If it's a work phone ignore it. If it's personal then as of today (if you're in England) just reply to every message on a day off with "Day off, busy with the kids!". Every time. Or just ignore him and send him an email saying you can't take routine work calls out of hours.

When he says something rude or back handed just respond with "did you mean to say that to me?" and give them a hard stare whilst he tries to back peddle. Works a treat and sets a boundary. Don't be scared to be firm with him.

The folder slap was definitely aggressive and not okay in a work environment. You were hired to do your job, not manage his emotions and ego. 100% keep a record of all incidents in case you need to escalate to HR.

He sounds very jealous that you are succeeding and seamingly wants to emotionally manipulate you so you will not be confident and thrive as much. Be curt but civil towards him. Personally I would be tempted to tell him that you are there to work and not looking to form a friendship so will not be responding to any correspondence outside of working hours.

Great advice above.

The hitting you on the head is really shocking.
Extremely aggressive.

OP, you are really do yourself no favours involving yourself with this loser.

Telling him you were put on a plan?
Do you want him repeating that.

You need to block him and step away.

Keep a note of things but the hitting you with the folder is so dreadful, I think you should consider the very next time he steps out of line.

He is bad news.
He can see you have poor boundaries and has tried to attach himself to you.

Kindly, you are doing yourself no favours getting so involved.

Step away, focus on your job and call on HR if he comes near you.

He is NOT your friend.

Don't respond to him at all out of office hours; if he becomes a nuisance tell him - once - to desist and then make a complaint to HR.
And stop helping him out; you've got three small kids, did you say? You don't need to be spoon-feeding another.
Stop being nice to people who aren't nice to you.
Let him fail. What do you care? You might even profit from it!