To not like this colleague and feeling crap about myself - AIBU

[Nee2125]

I think I might be suffering from some kind of mental health issue or I’m just knackered.

I’m finding everything so difficult and I’m analysing everything! Firstly there’s a colleague in my new place that just annoys the hell out of me. He contacts me on my days off and is just so anxious all the time that he makes my anxiety worse. I have given him so much support. Today I got praise for a job well done and he was eavesdropping and looked and sounded pissed off that I was doing well. He asked he stuff about it and when I told him he made it sound like I was just lucky rather than the hard work I put in! It really pissed me off considering I have helped him all these months. I’m quite angry that I let him speak to me that way. Few other things he did today that don’t sit right with me and I don’t know how to write it down without context so I’ll just write it and hope it makes sense: he hit me on the head with a folder half jokingly but also in a quite malicious way today! It was obvious he was angry about my praise. I didn’t say anything but now I’m thinking I should have at least half jokingly said “wtf?”

I also feel embarrassed that when I got praise I played it down infront of the managers as I was genuinely embarrassed as I hate any sort of attention. I played it down and I think the manager must think I’m a little weird as I looked and sounded quite weird!

I’m feeling quite low and can’t sleep. Just for context I have little ones all under 3 and this job I have I took after a long career break. I want to do well in the job but I feel like I don’t deserve to do well - is this what anyone else has been through? How can I just snap out of this imposter syndrome?

@Nee2125

He’s been put on a kind of plan as he’s not doing well in work. I told him not to worry and I had the same a few years back in my old Job (I didn’t but I said it to make him feel better). I’m just wondering do you think he will try to use this against me considering he’s overheard the manager praising me?

Just read the grey rock technique - it’s brilliant wish I knew that before!

Ermagosh, why would you say you'd been on a performance plan if you hadn't? I'd def be worried he could be the sort of guy to use that against you. Block and grey rock from here on in.

Thank you everyone! I was getting very worked up yesterday abs I’m glad I did as I’m now going to be more firm abs less responsive to him.

I feel more embarrassed about my reaction to the praise. I think I’m drained from my kids then in work this man child drains me. I wish I had been more professional about the praise abs said thank you. Of course I deserved it I work so bloody hard. After I put the kids to bed I’m up till all hours working.

I was trying to be humble but I think I came across as a weak and weird mess. I’m going to stop letting people who don’t matter drain not fake my energy

Sorry phone autocorrect is changing and to abs for some reason!

I wouldnt be texting with him outside of work. Stick to emails and only read them when you're working. Put him on mute, dont bother replying. Hes not your friend, he wants help.

He’s on a performance plan he will look for a scapegoat or someone to drag down with him. Distance yourself sharpish.

If he moans to you about problems in work time a cheery, “I’m sure you will figure something out” and refuse to get drawn in if he tries to continue. “Really sorry, have something I have to get finished today, don’t worry, I’m sure you will find a way to sort it”.

Don’t reply to any messages out of work. If he asks in work why you’re not replying just say you are busy.

You can still respond to the praise and say thank you. No reason why you can’t explain you felt a little flustered but really enjoyed working on whatever it is you worked on to earn the praise and say thank you. Via email if you feel shy to in person.

As for the immature colleague, you’re right he is not your friend and only wants to use you. He’s the worst kind of insecure - not only needy and clearly not very capable, but highly resentful of others and their capabilities. People like this are so draining, they want you to both lift them up and be worse than them because of their insecurities.

So no more out of hours contact - why does he even have your phone number? Is it a work number? I work in a very friendly team and no one has ever contacted me on my personal numbers outside of working hours.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

He’s on a performance plan he will look for a scapegoat or someone to drag down with him. Distance yourself sharpish.

This is important. He could twist (ie lie) about any advice / support / direction you have given him and blame YOU for his mistakes.

Swerve him. You don’t want to be associated with him.

Well done on returning to work after a long break, working so hard and getting recognition - you are doing brilliantly. Have an internal mantra to firm up your self belief so that you physically stand tall and radiate out confidence. Fake it till you make it. Confidence gets you a long way - it allows your managers and team members to feel reassured and confident that you have everything under control. Being humble is less attractive as it puts others in a position of feeling the need to boost you.

Don’t give this donkey your finite time, emotional energy and headspace. As a working mother of 3 v young children you need all of that for you, your career and your DC. Every time he bothers you or you are agitated by him - he is taking your time, energy and headspace.

Don’t give it to him. Protect and conserve it for you. Every minute you have given him is every minute you are working late into the night after work.

Don’t worry about not being ready with an immediate assertive reply - don’t flip this into being frustrated with yourself - keep focused on what he did. It’s fine to come back to things later. Send him an email about the folder hitting. Tell him it was a very unpleasant experience and an invasion of your personal space and he is not to do it again.

Also with your bosses - try to find a moment to thank them for the recognition - say that you are just getting used to praise etc.

BUT you need to work on you. People pleasing is a dysfunctional behaviour. It’s about an imbalance of power - it’s not attractive. It’s easily exploited and you end up with resentment and contempt for the other person when they don’t value what you have given them (they may not have asked for it, or needed it to the extent given).

Work on your boundaries put you, your family, your job, your time first, second and third.

Look at him with pity but NOT responsibility to help.
Detach from him. Look at him as your own personal and emotional growth opportunity.....where you practice setting boundaries.

It’s a much more comfortable way to live - gently assertive and boundaried.

@Nee2125

He’s been put on a kind of plan as he’s not doing well in work. I told him not to worry and I had the same a few years back in my old Job (I didn’t but I said it to make him feel better). I’m just wondering do you think he will try to use this against me considering he’s overheard the manager praising me?

Just read the grey rock technique - it’s brilliant wish I knew that before!

Many years ago, I've done similar to a failing colleague (he was still sacked) .. He stabbed me in back too... Like you, this was hours and hours of input. Much of it in my own time.

Dont lie to make him feel better.... YOU Can't TRUST him. He is using you.

Look up Women don't ask... Its a brilliant book.

Also, everything SE13mummy says👍👍

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0691210535/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_Y432DME181QYJTY40ZRC?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Everything Sssloou said PLUS - if anyone asks you about having been put on a plan by a previous employer be prepared to lie with conviction. Your only repsonse to that can be "No! What made you think I had?" and then calmly deny ever having uttered those words to your colleague.

He sounds awful. You need to stop responding to his messages. Tell him clearly in a message to stop contacting you on your day off and tell him you will not be responding to any of his messages if he does. You have enough to do when you are at home without this twat sucking up all your time and energy.

Try power poses too - it sounds silly but when I came back from mat leave both times, I would crawl into the office after broken nights & my head filled with children, go to the loo on the top floor (super quiet, literally nobody passes) and stand in a cubicle in a superman pose, saying quietly to myself "I am confident, skillful, sharp,professional" (or whatever I didn't feel I was). For 4-5 minutes. It is a really silly feeling thing to do but it created a space between home and work so I could be my confident self. When the children are so young they take every bit of attention and you might need a ritual to get your focus back on you. It sounds like you are doing amazing though.

Block him. You don't need to respond on your days off. He is not entitled to your free time.

He sounds jealous... try to avoid him as much as possible at work. And call him out on any bullshit like hitting you with a folder. Unacceptable.

Thank you so much everyone fantastic advice. I feel so much better. I think people pleasing has hit it on the head. I need to stop having that voice in my head telling me to be nice and be helpful. A little help is good thing to do but not when it takes o er my head and time. Setting boundaries is what I have often heard I need to do.

Btw - never trust ANYONE in the work place. Keep yourself to yourself, don't talk about anything personal.

You're doing great OP, keep up the good work and don't let this man or anyone else drag you down.

People like this are so draining, they want you to both lift them up and be worse than them because of their insecurities.

This is so true! He constantly wants reassurance from me and same time tries to find out all the “mistakes” I could have possibly made so he can feel better. He doesn’t even try to hide the fault finding. I can’t believe I’ve been so lovely to this idiot. I just feel so sorry for him and I know it sounds weird as I’m not that much older than him but I felt like I should be motherly towards him as he puts this image of being a helpless little child.

Btw - never trust ANYONE in the work place. Keep yourself to yourself, don't talk about anything personal.
This 100%.

I agree with others about the colleague.

I just wanted to add a tip someone gave me about receiving praise. It’s tempting to do yourself down because you feel self conscious but that actually can make things awkward for the person giving praise. So a good thing to say is “Thank you, I was really happy with how that project (or whatever) worked too”. Then you are accepting their praise (which I am 100% sure you deserve!) but also not making a massive deal out of it.

@Nee2125

Thank you so much everyone fantastic advice. I feel so much better. I think people pleasing has hit it on the head. I need to stop having that voice in my head telling me to be nice and be helpful. A little help is good thing to do but not when it takes o er my head and time. Setting boundaries is what I have often heard I need to do.

It doesnt sound like the people pleasing and being nice and helpful is actually being helpful to him either. Step away. Allow him to face his shortcomings and work on them himself. I agree that he could easily drag you in and say its your fault as you misdirected him etc

Its not your responsibility to do this.
I agree with a polite but short email regarding hitting you with a folder so that you have an email trail.
Put boundaries in place where you dont reply to messages at all on your days off, nit even Im busy with DC.
He sounds very toxic and your association with him could damage your reputation at work.

Also if he is on a performance plan it means his managers have v serious concerns and are looking to see what HE can do. They are managing him out. It’s an end stage process. He would have had plenty of warnings / input before this which had no impact.

Effectively you are undermining their process.

Step out of the way.

He is also likely v vindictive and wants to drag you down with him.

Boundaries are v important. People have none or poor boundaries because they were not validated and respected enough as a unique individual in childhood. They were expected to have no autonomy or personal self because the emotional demands of a dominant or dysfunctional parent came first.

The needs, wants or individuality of the child were rarely considered, met, supported or encouraged. The child then becomes a parent pleaser to keep the parent calm or interested in the child.

These are maladaptive developmental behaviours when brought into adulthood.

It’s fine to take baby steps to practice and learn new ways of being.

A boundary is uniquely personal - it’s specific to you. You know where it is by how you FEEL. Often if you are brought up to put up and shut up to people please - you don’t feel the alarm - the anger or irritation until late in day - when the boundary is well and truly crossed - because you were trained to repress your feelings needs and meet others first.

But you can unlearn this - once anyone or anything leaves you feeling confused a bit uncomfortable KNOW that this is your personal boundary and pause, pay attention, buy time to process and think - never commit to anything when feeling like this. If you have to speak - say - I will get back to you on that etc.

People pleasing attracts exploitative and manipulative people - they smell it and target you. Equally people pleasing can be unbalanced and uncomfortable for emotionally healthy people as it comes across as OTT and disingenuous - a bit suspicious wondering if there are strings attached.

Oh dear ! I have worked with people like this and their snakes and suck the life out of u !
Do not let him contact u out of work and if he dares ask why tell him ! That will put him in his place x

@Sssloou. People have none or poor boundaries because they were not validated and respected enough as a unique individual in childhood. They were expected to have no autonomy or personal self because the emotional demands of a dominant or dysfunctional parent came first.

Your post really made think. I do have a very dysfunctional family and constantly feel I need to be the caregiver in all situations. I do actually feel others needs are more important. I definitely need to work on this. I don’t want to pass this onto my kids.

Anytime you think about being ‘nice’ replace it with ‘professional’. You need to be professional with him. Work pays you to be professional. Your language needs to be professional etc. It’s helped me a lot.

And yy about the boundaries advice above. Rather than saying yes to everyone and everything and under delivering - look at your biggest ‘clients/bosses’ and make sure they get most of your efforts.

Well done for getting back with young kids - it’s frickin hard!

Stop helping him so much. He's an energy leach and will walk all over you as soon as he can. And don't trust him!