To not like this colleague and feeling crap about myself - AIBU

[Nee2125]

I think I might be suffering from some kind of mental health issue or I’m just knackered.

I’m finding everything so difficult and I’m analysing everything! Firstly there’s a colleague in my new place that just annoys the hell out of me. He contacts me on my days off and is just so anxious all the time that he makes my anxiety worse. I have given him so much support. Today I got praise for a job well done and he was eavesdropping and looked and sounded pissed off that I was doing well. He asked he stuff about it and when I told him he made it sound like I was just lucky rather than the hard work I put in! It really pissed me off considering I have helped him all these months. I’m quite angry that I let him speak to me that way. Few other things he did today that don’t sit right with me and I don’t know how to write it down without context so I’ll just write it and hope it makes sense: he hit me on the head with a folder half jokingly but also in a quite malicious way today! It was obvious he was angry about my praise. I didn’t say anything but now I’m thinking I should have at least half jokingly said “wtf?”

I also feel embarrassed that when I got praise I played it down infront of the managers as I was genuinely embarrassed as I hate any sort of attention. I played it down and I think the manager must think I’m a little weird as I looked and sounded quite weird!

I’m feeling quite low and can’t sleep. Just for context I have little ones all under 3 and this job I have I took after a long career break. I want to do well in the job but I feel like I don’t deserve to do well - is this what anyone else has been through? How can I just snap out of this imposter syndrome?

[quote Nee2125]**@Sssloou. People have none or poor boundaries because they were not validated and respected enough as a unique individual in childhood. They were expected to have no autonomy or personal self because the emotional demands of a dominant or dysfunctional parent came first.

Your post really made think. I do have a very dysfunctional family and constantly feel I need to be the caregiver in all situations. I do actually feel others needs are more important. I definitely need to work on this. I don’t want to pass this onto my kids.[/quote]
You do need to absolutely work on this for your own sake and your children's. My mother also from a deprived and dysfunctional background, with a dreadful mother, who herself has a terrible life is you as you've described yourself to be on this thread. No boundaries, a complete inability to say no, a continual willingness to allow herself to be exploited by anyone who professed to 'need' her, both in and out of the workplace, inventing past errors and mistakes to make other people feel better, no ability to see off physical threats or stand up for herself, mortified by praise.

I don't blame her in the least for her upbringing it's very obvious why she turned out why she did but I blame her for inflicting the consequences of her own poor boundaries and people-pleasing on us. She didn't see us as separate from her, and expected us to bear with the incursions into family life, privacy, money etc that her behaviour encouraged. It was an absolutely miserable way to grow up, and involved me and my sisters in particular (because my mother feels men shouldn't feel the need to put themselves out for others, so my brother was less affected) having to do an awful lot of work on ourselves in our teens and twenties, to make sure we didn't grow up like that.

‘I do actually feel others needs are more important.’ - So you know how we form these beliefs in childhood? Because that’s all we’ve known so we just think things are ‘normal’.

It’s obviously not normal to believe others needs are more important, and recognising that is a really good step to start to challenge that belief. If you can just start asking ‘is that true?’ every time you catch yourself automatically thinking someone else’s needs are more important, and ask why - like WHY do i believe this person and what they want or need is more important then what I want and need, it can really open your eyes. Often there is no decent response to that and then you see how ingrained these assumptions are.

Don’t lose heart though, take it from a recovered people pleaser who simply believed her job in life was to absorb other people’s difficult feelings - you can move past this!

Excellent advice from SE13 and Ssslou.

Also wanted to reframe the people pleasing. If you always bail someone out they never learn to resolve their own mistakes, so you're not doing them a favour in the long run. He has to address his own inadequacies, by more training, reflection, effort etc.

I'd try to find some phrases you can use when he tries to pump you for advice/support. Like, I'm not sure, you know best though as that's your client/line manager/project. Or I wouldn't like to step on your line manager's toes, I'd check with them. Or I'm in the middle of something, so I can't help at the moment.

[quote Nee2125]**@Sssloou. People have none or poor boundaries because they were not validated and respected enough as a unique individual in childhood. They were expected to have no autonomy or personal self because the emotional demands of a dominant or dysfunctional parent came first.

Your post really made think. I do have a very dysfunctional family and constantly feel I need to be the caregiver in all situations. I do actually feel others needs are more important. I definitely need to work on this. I don’t want to pass this onto my kids.[/quote]
This is your main area to resolve.

Consider this guy/situation as the turning point - it’s not all about him - it’s about the chinks and emotional deficits that you carry due to being neglected as a child. He is just a symptom - there will be many more “disruptive drains” in your future life if you don’t fix the big picture once and for all.

There are lots of resources in co-dependency / compulsive care giving / boundaries etc online. Also your parenting won’t be as balanced and effective as you think it is (been there, got the T-shirt) - as the polar opposite of our dysfunctional upbringing is not the answer.

Have a look at Phillipa Perry’s book - it’s an eye opener.

Don’t lose heart though, take it from a recovered people pleaser who simply believed her job in life was to absorb other people’s difficult feelings - you can move past this!

Yes, absolutely! I should have said this at the end of my previous post -- I was brought up to be the most abject people-pleaser, but I stopped. I couldn't help my mother, who is still absolutely horrified when I prioritise my own needs, or refuse a request, but I don't have pp tendencies of even the mildest sort.

I think the key thing, @Nee2125, is to disabuse yourself of the (false) idea that it's a good thing to believe other people's needs are more important. It really isn't.

@Lucent thank you for posting this. Can you please point me in the direction of what help s d work you did? I’m actually in CBT and have had it before but I don’t see any difference.

I keep thinking lack of sleep is contributing to further impact my boundaries

Thank you everyone. I’m re-reading all the replies over and over again. Definitely an issue. I can’t believe how amazing mumsnet can be at time! Yes I definitely need to change. I need to take responsibility for how I am. I did have a rubbish childhood that I’m working with in therapy but i need to move on

Seriously, block his number. If it’s Whatsapp, you can block/unblock at will, although I would tell him at work, preferably in front of others that you don’t like work colleagues contacting you outside of work given you have a life. 3 dc and this idiot is demanding your attention! Just no!

[quote Nee2125]@Lucent thank you for posting this. Can you please point me in the direction of what help s d work you did? I’m actually in CBT and have had it before but I don’t see any difference.

I keep thinking lack of sleep is contributing to further impact my boundaries[/quote]
I didn't have therapy or do anything formal. I think it just involved analysing why my mother was the way she was, and the extent to which I didn't want to be that disordered, and how it is possible to regard your upbringing as the result of other people's wholly mistaken understandings about life, and make your own way. (This didn't happen overnight, either -- and it was helped by studying abroad and meeting women from other cultures who had escaped the 'need to be nice'.)

I think the problem with many people-pleasers, especially women, is that they genuinely think it's the right way to be, and that everyone should do it, and the world would be a nicer place if we all trotted about lying down under other people's demands. I think that's both incorrect and hugely anti-feminist, as the vast majority of people-pleasers are women, who have been brought up to defer to men in particular.

You are back in the workforce and have three small children. Other than the professional demands of your job -- which you are clearly managing admirably, and the needs of your children, your absolute priority should be yourself. There are a lot of actual, necessary demands on your time. Don't accept any non-essential ones, like this tiresome, needy colleague, who needs to learn to stop leaning on and then resenting older women.

Are you actually substantively tackling your people-pleasing and prioritisation of others in your CBT? You should be working on unpicking your thought processes when confronted with, for instance, the colleague hitting you on the head, or you being unable to accept praise, and coming up with better strategies.

I also wonder whether you should consider a plain old assertiveness course?

@Nee2125

Thank you everyone. I’m re-reading all the replies over and over again. Definitely an issue. I can’t believe how amazing mumsnet can be at time! Yes I definitely need to change. I need to take responsibility for how I am. I did have a rubbish childhood that I’m working with in therapy but i need to move on

And be kind to yourself, too. It's tough overthrowing everything you've ever been taught about how to be, especially as you are probably at some level still thinking that prioritising other people is the right and nice thing to do, and that something like refusing to be contacted by your tiresome colleague out of work hours is 'bad'.

He sounds horrible! I agree with much of what previous posters have said...
If he touches you with anything (hand, folder etc) again, just snap “did you mean to do that?” Or “ Owww, did you mean to hurt me?” in a sharp tone. Close him down at every opportunity when he’s slithering round asking questions, getting advice etc. Certainly don’t engage out of work ( If it’s out of hours, it’s out of your life😉) Work started invading my home life... so I started pointing to the door when people were saying they’d be in touch over the weekend, and started saying “ when I go through that door, my phone goes OFF” and repeated it to the extent that others started doing it as well!
Don’t let twerps like him under your skin and into YOUR time - you owe him nothing! He’s a colleague, nothing more!
Good luck, grey rock him, he’s not worth it!

Thank you everyone. It’s really helping me gets things into perspective

If management is already concerned all they need is you to tell them all in concerned confidentiality that he hit you and he will not last much longer.

Did anyone witness the hitting your head with a folder? That would be very helpful to you. I agree with PP and not only did he assault you in a supposedly jokey way, he harassed you by phone out of work hours. I think it would be all they would need along with his poor work performance to remove him.

Someone I worked with was removed with immediate effect after giving a ‘jokey’ lovebite to a guy, which he didn’t solicit, you could see the teeth marks on his neck, I saw her do it and heard him asking her very nicely to please let him get on with his report, he really needed to finish it just before she sunk her teeth. She was told to leave otherwise she would be sacked for gross misconduct.

It sounds to me that he’s asking about your mistakes so that he can use them in his next review as in ‘well Nee did xxx wrong, so why are you only picking up my mistakes and not hers’. I would be very careful about what you tell him. Maybe even have a quiet word with your boss about what’s been happening.

Also, please apply your boundaries to the amount of work you are doing in your own time! You shouldn’t be working until all hours!

You need to rise above it and not take the bait. He’s obviously insecure, and you need to keep that in mind. Acting in a way that shows you have gravitas but politely laying boundaries will help you amongst your colleagues and hopefully help you feel better. The worst thing you can do is tit for tat, or stooping to his level.

Also, it’s right for you to consider whether you are more sensitive because of your circumstances/ time of the month etc. That’s not to say that he isn’t being an idiot but you’ll need to check yourself against overreacting if you have other factors making you more prone to be sensitive. I used to be reminded that it was the time of the month when I found that I couldn’t stand my boss more than usual! Good luck!

He is not your friend.

Just an office leech that will use you.

He has assaulted you and will use ANY information that you have givven him against you.

Deny, and I mean absolutely deny any reference to you being put on a plan.

I mean this really, really kindly OP.
You are putting yourself under so much pressure to return to work, with very young children and your hard work has resulted in you you being rightly applauded.

Now you need to figure out why you would jeopardise this for a guy who has IMO assaulted you.

I can't believe your colleagues didn't intervene.

You really need to protect yourself and take control of this situation.