How to cope with MIL overstepping after new baby

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Hi, I’m a ftm to 4month old twin girls and will have PIL visiting for a few days following the end of restrictions. It will be the first time that they will meet the babies so I do understand the excitement and feel bad that they haven’t been able to meet them until recently. I also feel a bit mean restricting their visit to a few days when they clearly want to stay for longer, but I don’t think I can cope being around them 24/7 for any more than a long weekend- particularly with how I’m feeling at the moment. The girls are also currently going through the 4 month sleep regression so I don’t really want anyone staying for too long while the babies are so unsettled - we have limited furniture and the set-up that I’ve got for tandem feeding/soothing using the only sofa or chair (rocking chair) is going to have to change with guests as we don’t have anywhere for them to sit. (Both have limited mobility and will need to sit down for long periods of time).

MIL is a nice person and I do think her heart’s in the right place, but she can be very inconsiderate, has zero boundaries and is very overwhelming. Our relationship was good until I had the babies, however. Since then there have been loads of things which I haven’t got the space to go into here - mainly unsolicited advice ‘wouldn’t it be better if you did this instead of that?’ interfering in parenting decisions (or just my own personal decisions) such as where I live, when I go on maternity leave etc and making condescending comments such as ‘well I hope it all works out’ when ive continued to do things as I had planned. She has been quite pushy about her preferences regarding certain parenting choices and when DH has asked her to back off, tried to claim it was all banter (which I personally find quite manipulative but it all goes over DH’s head).

Then there’s the complete lack of respect for our boundaries. SIL wanted to stay overnight to visit DH for his birthday. I said no this time around as we were in lockdown and babies were still tiny. MIL took it upon herself to suggest SIL comes down anyway as ‘a surprise’ and stands outside while she rings me to get me to open the door, putting us in a position where we then feel obliged to put SIL up for the night as she lives at least 6 hours away. I wouldn’t ordinarily mind SIL staying but the babies were only a couple of weeks old at the time, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and she is also not the type of house guest that I would want so soon after having a baby (very immature and inconsiderate). There are millions of other examples that I could give but this post would go on forever.

Now they are staying I am terrified that she’s going to undermine everything I do and try to take over. She keeps claiming that she is coming to ‘help’ with childcare. A lovely gesture but I really really do not want or need that kind of help from her. Also, she hasn’t even asked what help we might need but has decided for herself that this will be exclusively looking after the babies for the duration of their stay. I understand that this is more about her bonding with the children though and do want her to be involved as she’s their granny so will let her ‘help’ with most things as it’s important for her and the babies to bond. The problem is the way she’s going on her idea of ‘help’ is looking more and more like playing mummy to my children, while undermining me and interfering in parenting decisions. I don’t know whether it is just the hormones but this idea is making me extremely anxious. She’s obsessed with them already and is way too involved in her own children’s lives so I can see her continuing to interfere for years to come if I don’t nip it in the bud now. She spoils all her family rotten, which is nice, and of course I want her to be able to treat the grandkids as it makes her happy and kids will love it (as a treat), but she’s the kind of person who will go completely over the top and buy them millions of expensive Christmas presents, overshadowing mum and dad (PIL have a lot more money than us), or will take over everything, the Christmas Eve box, first bike, first Christmas outfit etc. She has already bought them outfits for most of the holidays this year and it hasn’t crossed her mind that I or DH might like to choose these things for our own children. How do I politely tell her she is granny not mummy and needs to back off a bit? She also is very sensitive and cries at everything, her children (including DH) are all fiercely protective of her so I don’t want to end up causing loads of family conflict.

You need to practice this:
1 - smile benignly
2 - keep thoughts inside eg "back off you absolute f*wit"
3 - maintain grip on baby
4 - hard-core but works: keep boobs out.
5 - maintain benign smiling, whatever the conversations.

Best of luck. Try to remember that people LOVE babies, but yes, effing annoying and that's from someone whose MIL overstepped many a boundary which brings me to the last point:

Get your partner on side. Make your wishes explicit.

Blimey, you don't sound at all unreasonable to be worried about this event. I have experienced similar with in-laws but never had them to stay. Are you sure you can't put them up in a hotel as a 'suprise' instead. Seeing as she likes surprises. It's incredibly imposing to stay at someone's house with little babies, especially during these times. That will set an immediate boundary.

I hate that she says she is coming down to help with childcare too, it's so undermining. No, she is coming to meet her grandchildren! I really feel for you.

If you are tandem feeding, seriously- keep them close. Agree with previous poster: book a hotel and say you want them rested as the babies wake regularly throughout the night.

Just let her help? It's one weekend and the first time she's meeting them. Of course she's going to want to be all over them!

If she wants to buy things for them, great! It's not going to make your babies love her more than you or anything?

"No thanks, I'm fine. I wouldn't mind a cuppa bringing if you want to help though, thankyou, really appreciate it."
"We're happy with our decision, we don't really need any advice, thanks though."
"No that's OK, that's mummy's job."
"I'd rather do it, they settle better for mummy. "

Maintain boundaries, deflect them onto other things. Don't be guilty. SIL is not saying, if she wants to drive 6 hrs to wave through a window, fine, but she's not staying. You've already said that.
They're your babies, it's your house, you don't defer to anyone and you don't need their advice because you know your babies better than anyone, you're a good mum and don't feel bad reminding them of that.

I think you need to speak to your husband and get him on board first if he is firefly protective otherwise you will just end up falling out with him and feeling ganged up on. I think you need to be firm, consistent and pleasant with the MiL. Don't explode but just calmly state what you want and what's going to happen.
I hate when people are mesn or nasty and dismiss it as 'banter'.

Why are they so protective of her, is she vulnerable in some way? She sounds a right PITA.

Rules may have relaxed a little but indoor visiting, let alone overnights won't be allowed until 17th May at earliest. Social distancing is still in place so she shouldn't be hugging anyone either.

You need to get DH onside and he needs to tell his DM the above. When they do eventually come to stay it should be "The twins keep us busy and we don't have time to entertain guests so if you want to stay, you'll have to take us as you find us and muck in with ALL the household chores and not just the baby related ones."

You'll need to be firm with your boundaries and set the precedent for future contact.
I'd leave the clean bedding folded on the guest bed so they have to make their own bed. Have a casserole ready in the fridge so you can ask her to get the dinner that night. Start out how you mean to go on.

As for SIL, I hope you made it clear that 6 hours or not, without an invite she would've been turned back, never mind because it broke covid rules.

You tell her you are doing things your way because that is the routine you will be adopting to fit in with your life.
With regard to Christmas, Christmas boxes , first bikes etc . You are getting ahead of yourself there. Don't sweat the small stuff as they say !

Let me tell you something.

People underestimate how hard twins are. All they see is a cute twosome.

My DSis mother of three decided this would be an easy task and arrived for babysitting duties for an hour while I had my hair cut.

She was run off her feet and exhausted when I got back! Then the next time she brought her older daughter and my mother to ‘help’ her with them!! It amused me no end!!

I would also add that 4 month old babies much prefer their mother, and are used to how you do things, mine would cry if someone else held them!! Even my grandmother who lived babies and was really good with them.

So I wouldn’t be over worried!

Smile, be polite, take some time to yourself, have a bath, drink tea and just nod along!

My DD is 2 but reading your post has made me feel as anxious and preemptively annoyed as I did when she was born! I'm lucky enough to have a MIL and SMIL who are both former nurses. SMIL's low point was trying to 'help' with BF (unasked for, of course) by physically touching the baby's head to adjust her position when I was getting her to latch on (and this was when she was 1 day old). I gave her a stern look but I'm not sure she realised quite how intimate that felt. When we were back at home, MIL came to stay and when I left the room to BF in bed, she FOLLOWED me and at one point commented that my nipples were fair 'like hers'(!) and at another point stroked the baby's head while I was feeding her. In comparison my usually interfering and overbearing DM was positively angelic.

Wishing you calmness and strong boundaries at this difficult time OP

Move the chair into your bedroom if possible and keep taking the twins off to feed in private. That’s what I’d do, when my MIL annoys me I just go to another room to feed. She picks up the pattern of being rude equals me leaving and she calms down.

It’s a weekend, you can manage.

Some great advice on this thread. In my experience you'll never solve the buying your DC loads of clothes and flashy presents so I'd try and make peace with that. You won't be overshadowed though, your their mummy!

Oh, and I l found MIL got much less pushy and determined to 'help' once DC hit the terrible twos

Sounds a lot like your MIL has some narcissistic traits there, OP (I'm speaking as the daughter of a narc mother). Now I realise that this being something I've had close and painful experience of means I'm more likely to project and see that possibility elsewhere, but I'll just say what I think and you can see how closely it fits with your knowledge and experiences of your MIL.

They are all about being the centre of attention, very emotionally manipulative, no respect at all for boundaries, and terrible gift givers (inasmuch as they give what THEY decide you should have, regardless of anything you've said or indicated, no regard for your feelings, and will act really hurt if you aren't completely thrilled with their gift- the holiday outfits from your MIL is a classic example of this). They'll act victimised and as if they only had good intentions as a way to turn things around on you and get everyone's sympathy for themselves.

Unfortunately narcs are extremely difficult to have any kind of relationship with, due to their utter selfishness. If your DH isn't wise to his mum's overstepping of boundaries and manipulation (if you do something that hurts her feelings, no matter how reasonable you are, well you're the bad guy aren't you?) you'll need to go carefully otherwise it will just risk putting a rift between you and DH.

Considering that this is just one weekend, I would advise not getting into anything really heavy- as, in my experience, it is all or nothing with a narc. Either you just put up with their behaviour for a while in the interests of keeping general peace, or it'll turn very unpleasant very quickly as MIL uses every trick in the book to get what she wants and make you look selfish/cruel/PFBmummy if you insist on boundaries being respected.

If there are a couple of things regarding the babies' routines or care that are really very important to you, you need to be decided on it ahead of time, have DH on side, make sure he understands why those things are important (without doing any you Vs MIL stuff, it's just what you want, regardless of who it is that's contesting it). Otherwise MIL will just walk all over it and DH will just shrug and ask why you can't let his DM 'enjoy being a grandmother' for a couple of days? He won't see the issue in the way you do, and you can't force him to.

In any case, even if it's a difficult weekend, it'll be over soon enough! And then you'll have done your duty and DH can't feel you're shutting MIL out.

Again, if I'm totally reading more into your MILs behaviour than is reasonable, apologies for the huge post and ignore it all!

I'm just so aware of the games narcs play and the pain they can cause, I hate it.

Hope it all goes smoothly for you OP. Big hugs! Whatever PIL do, you're the momma and always will be!

It's just a weekend. Look forward to it being a nice rest for you. Your mil is family, let her help.

you'll need to go carefully otherwise it will just risk putting a rift between you and DH

I agree with this.

Any disagreements must be based on

I’m unhappy because they need to go to bed now
I’ve been up all night and need to go to bed - or not avoiding the long evenings
I just need 10 mins to myself - can you take over lunch

Never mention MIL is the issue ... keeps DH focused on you and what you need

If your DH will be around all weekend, decide on a signal from you to him, that he knows means he has to step in and get his DM to back off. Make sure he knows how stressed you feel about the upcoming visit and how important it is that he backs you up if/when you feel overwhelmed.

I appreciate overbearing grandparents can be a pain but she's never even met the babies and you seem to have a lot of assumptions as to what she will be like with them. Just let her help, it's only a few days.

You don't have to dress your child in clothes they buy, just give them to charity. Honestly your child won't care if most of their presents are from you or granny. You can claim some are from Santa.

We’ve also rewrapped presents from the grandparents from Santa

We’ve also saved a few for gifting later for birthday parties

Some were also saved for the summer months - and art stuff for rainy days.

Ok, so you’re not unreasonable but you do also sound like you’re spiralling a bit because you’re tired. For now just focus on the weekend. All the future stuff with buying things etc is for you to worry about another day. You’ve done the right thing in keeping the visit short. I assume you parenting decisions you refer to are about breastfeeding. You just have to ignore all that and get through it.

Most importantly, prepare your husband. Tell him that you might need to get him to intervene to get them to back off over the weekend. He must PROMISE he will do this as soon as you ask. You have twins with sleep regression. His priority this weekend needs to be you, not his mother.

I think to say you are 'terrified' is over the top. She's not a serial killer is she? Apprehensive would be more like it surely?

It is totally OK, now and in the future, to:
Go out for a walk by yourself.
Go our for a walk by yourself with the babies.
Put a bolt on your bedroom door.
Bin any presents you don't like.
Say "uh huh" or "I'll think about it" and do whatever you were going to do.
Not answer the door.
Or the phone.
Hand her a shopping list or point her at the dishwasher and act innocently surprised that she doesn't want to do the thing which would be most helpful right now.
Ditto a baby coated from head to toe in shit.
Suddenly become very shy about feeding them in front of anyone else and have to retreat to your bedroom every other hour.
Not try to make the "living with baby twins" experience for them any easier than it is for you - e.g. sound at night, odd mealtimes.

...but you must talk to your DH and get him on side. There'll be some give and take. Decide on your absolute boundaries. It's probably not the worst thing ever for MIL to hold the babies. It probably is for her to "insist" you sleep train/cosleep/breastfeed/formula feed.

Honestly, people who haven't experienced true narcissism will think YABU. You're not. But you CAN just say no, as the ads used to have it, and then let the fallout just wash over you like a duck. Imagine you're a duck. That's my great advice 😊

Also, Google Captain Awkward.

I also had this same worry about my MIL and to extent my own mother.

My DM was dropping hints she wanted to be at the birth and wanted to be at my house practically the second I arrived home & MIL was trying to take baby out for a walk without me at about 5 days old and kept turning up unannounced etc. (Pre covid)

I kept boundaries firm with my DM and my husband had polite but stern words with MIL. I still had unsolicited advice ("why don't you top up with formula then they will sleep" ) from both which annoyed me to no end.

What I've realised is that it all came from a place of excitement and love over their first grandchild but this sometimes conflicted with me trying to navigate being a new mum.

Nanny and grandma now have an absolutely lovely bond with my dc and I am very grateful for their help and support. It took me being less anxious and more willing to take some help and then being less interfering and more patient to get their hands on their grandchildren. Young babies don't need long periods away from their mums. I pick my battles - I still say no to overnights but keep quiet at MILs Xmas eve boxes and pj tradition she's started for them.

I know it won't always work out as it has for me but there are two important things here; support of DH and being clear of your boundaries and speaking up!

I understand the boundaries need to be in place

But I really quite disagree with some of these posts. Putting a bolt on your bedroom door and locking yourself inside?

It’s one weekend. Don’t forget the babies are also your husband’s, and his mother is her mother. Ie, those babies are also her family not solely yours.

You need to feel comfortable in your own home but you seem to be overreacting to something that hasn’t even happened yet. You’re knackered, understandably, can you take a step back and see that handing over the twins for a few hours to her at a time and getting some rest might actually be a nice thing for you?