How to cope with MIL overstepping after new baby

[Hhhhhgx]

Hi, I’m a ftm to 4month old twin girls and will have PIL visiting for a few days following the end of restrictions. It will be the first time that they will meet the babies so I do understand the excitement and feel bad that they haven’t been able to meet them until recently. I also feel a bit mean restricting their visit to a few days when they clearly want to stay for longer, but I don’t think I can cope being around them 24/7 for any more than a long weekend- particularly with how I’m feeling at the moment. The girls are also currently going through the 4 month sleep regression so I don’t really want anyone staying for too long while the babies are so unsettled - we have limited furniture and the set-up that I’ve got for tandem feeding/soothing using the only sofa or chair (rocking chair) is going to have to change with guests as we don’t have anywhere for them to sit. (Both have limited mobility and will need to sit down for long periods of time).

MIL is a nice person and I do think her heart’s in the right place, but she can be very inconsiderate, has zero boundaries and is very overwhelming. Our relationship was good until I had the babies, however. Since then there have been loads of things which I haven’t got the space to go into here - mainly unsolicited advice ‘wouldn’t it be better if you did this instead of that?’ interfering in parenting decisions (or just my own personal decisions) such as where I live, when I go on maternity leave etc and making condescending comments such as ‘well I hope it all works out’ when ive continued to do things as I had planned. She has been quite pushy about her preferences regarding certain parenting choices and when DH has asked her to back off, tried to claim it was all banter (which I personally find quite manipulative but it all goes over DH’s head).

Then there’s the complete lack of respect for our boundaries. SIL wanted to stay overnight to visit DH for his birthday. I said no this time around as we were in lockdown and babies were still tiny. MIL took it upon herself to suggest SIL comes down anyway as ‘a surprise’ and stands outside while she rings me to get me to open the door, putting us in a position where we then feel obliged to put SIL up for the night as she lives at least 6 hours away. I wouldn’t ordinarily mind SIL staying but the babies were only a couple of weeks old at the time, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and she is also not the type of house guest that I would want so soon after having a baby (very immature and inconsiderate). There are millions of other examples that I could give but this post would go on forever.

Now they are staying I am terrified that she’s going to undermine everything I do and try to take over. She keeps claiming that she is coming to ‘help’ with childcare. A lovely gesture but I really really do not want or need that kind of help from her. Also, she hasn’t even asked what help we might need but has decided for herself that this will be exclusively looking after the babies for the duration of their stay. I understand that this is more about her bonding with the children though and do want her to be involved as she’s their granny so will let her ‘help’ with most things as it’s important for her and the babies to bond. The problem is the way she’s going on her idea of ‘help’ is looking more and more like playing mummy to my children, while undermining me and interfering in parenting decisions. I don’t know whether it is just the hormones but this idea is making me extremely anxious. She’s obsessed with them already and is way too involved in her own children’s lives so I can see her continuing to interfere for years to come if I don’t nip it in the bud now. She spoils all her family rotten, which is nice, and of course I want her to be able to treat the grandkids as it makes her happy and kids will love it (as a treat), but she’s the kind of person who will go completely over the top and buy them millions of expensive Christmas presents, overshadowing mum and dad (PIL have a lot more money than us), or will take over everything, the Christmas Eve box, first bike, first Christmas outfit etc. She has already bought them outfits for most of the holidays this year and it hasn’t crossed her mind that I or DH might like to choose these things for our own children. How do I politely tell her she is granny not mummy and needs to back off a bit? She also is very sensitive and cries at everything, her children (including DH) are all fiercely protective of her so I don’t want to end up causing loads of family conflict.

Thank you for all of your responses. It’s reassuring to know it’s not just me that feels this way (though I’m sorry so many of you have had to experience this). Thanks also for all of the really good advice, I’m definitely going to go upstairs I think to feed privately and agree a plan in advance with DH so we are on the same page.

@yomommasmomma If I ever do become a MIL I will do my utmost to remember how stressed my MIL made me feel through a very tough pregnancy, birth and the first few months of my babies’ lives and strive to do better. In fact I will probably tell her about this thread and ask her to please let me know if I ever overstep as I don’t want her to feel the same way I do now.

@FoggyDay58 OMG I can’t believe the nipple story! How awful! So intrusive of her I can’t believe she thought that was appropriate in any way. I don’t know how on earth I’d even respond to that 🙈

@LittleRed53 sorry you have to deal with a narc mother that’s really tough. Thanks for your post. The family does very much revolve around her so I see what you are saying, especially about the crying and victim playing. The lack of boundaries is definitely a thing with her as well but I’m not sure whether on some level it’s because she can’t let her children go. She doesn’t seem to understand that while she is family, we are also a core family on our own and treats me as though I am another sibling of DH’s - so his main priority should still be her and he should behave as though the family he grew up in is his nuclear family. If that makes sense.

@Cokie3 they live too far away to visit for just a few hours so it has to be an overnight stay.

To those who mentioned a hotel, I did suggest they might be more comfortable staying elsewhere as the babies are particularly unsettled at night at the moment and tandem breastfeeding is hardly discrete lol (I would be happy to pay for this). However great offence was taken. This is another thing I will have to add to my future list for DIL - offer to stay elsewhere unless explicitly invited after the arrival of new baby.

@elliemara yes I did think it was very rude and inconsiderate. Who invites people to other people’s houses just after they’ve had a baby and during a pandemic!

God why can’t people just stay in a hotel, why on earth should they take ‘great offence’ at that it seems to me just to be considerate, practical common sense. The reason your MIL wants to stay in the house is nothing to do with wanting to help you it’s entirely her own agenda. So you have to feel put upon, self conscious and anxious in your own home. I really think there are so many cases when if MIL would extend the same courtesy to their DIL that they would expect for themselves things would be much less stressful. Why can’t you be greatly offended that she won’t just book a local hotel? Because then you would be being difficult and unwelcoming. I read so many articles where MIL are moaning about how difficult their DIL’s are but I feel like most of them are their own worst enemies.

When my parents and parents in law came to stay soon after I had my children, it was to look after me so I could concentrate on the babies, not so they could look after them and I run around getting meals/cups of tea and generally entertaining them!! So make sure that happens and your husband does all the meals/ washing etc. over the weekend and the extra shopping beforehand. Twins, Christ, you need to just be with them and everyone else does things to make your life easier. Start as you mean to go on and tell them to get themselves sorted in the kitchen.

I really don't understand this grandparents' obsession with wanting to recreate 'mummyhood'. I have 3 now myself but recognise that I'm now a grandmother and my children are adults who make their own decisions regarding their own family.

I hear you OP. Totally understand your anxiety. I made my peace with MIL a decade ago now, but it took a few years for me to have the confidence to set - and assert(!) - my boundaries.

I shan't go into the details but we had such awful visits, I used to dread her coming. Her last newborn visit was so bad, I finally put my foot down and vetoed all future overnight visits until I felt ready to care for both my DC and MIL. Which took a year or two.

So speaking from my own experience, my advice would be to pick your battles.

I would not fight the gifts (they will not overshadow mum and dad). Express your gratitude and then allow yourself to manage them as you see fit. Put aside what doesn't work for your family or isn't age appropriate. Space them out. To avoid emotional arguments at gift giving time, have any necessary talks about gifts in between visits and be prepared to patiently repeat them.

Remember, you and DH are the ultimate authority when it comes to setting rules for your kids. And then embrace the idea that grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren, occasional rule breaking included. If it gets too much, again communicate your wishes in between visits - in a friendly but firm manner. Be patient and persistent.

As for your immediate visit, I recommend feeding for as much and as long as possible. DC3 did not want to be held by MIL, screaming whenever she tried. I realised that her perfume was too overpowering for the sensitive nose of a newborn, but couldn't tell MIL without risk of offending her. So nursing sessions were twice as long as normal and if I decided to get up, once asleep, baby was put down in the cot. I leaned on DH a lot - having him look after his DM, so I didn't have to.

I also echo what PP have recommended - talk to your DH before the visit. Be open about your feelings and your boundaries. Enlist his help in asserting them.

Think about what would help you most before your PIL arrive, so if either of them asks what they can do to help you can pick from a whole range of things as suitable to the situation and as needed by you.

Practice saying no. I'm not kidding. With a smile and conviction, because it is your right to do so. And it is right to have and set and assert boundaries that serve you and your DC.

And always always repeat to yourself the mantra that this, too, shall pass. It can serve you well in moments of parenting nightmares. It was sometimes my first and last thought of the day and it was true and I took comfort from knowing that. (It may reduce your stress levels by just one percent, but that is one percent not burdening you anymore. I had days where that one percent really did make the difference.)

I did, back then always and with great longing, reflect on my DM who you would absolutely want around as she very carefully navigated those first few months of my motherhood. Not interfering, but willing and ready to advise if that was wanted. Which included her watching us make some annoying first-time-parent mistakes, but she held her tongue all the same. And since those first months almost 23 years ago, she has been my rock. Who sometimes told me me some hard truths I needed to hear about my parenting, but never forced them on me. And who helped in the house so I could have a rest.

So if you do have a DM or DF like that, maybe you can also bear your PIL's visit in happy anticipation of their visit. (Or anyone else really, whose visit you do look forward to.)

OP I think you need to give yourself permission that’s it’s okay to insist on a hotel. It will help a lot.

Deep breath, it's hard. My in laws are intense too. I'm finding it hard to get over my MIL treatment of me after I gave birth. And have to double check my DS is mine not my SILs.... long story! But DH gets it, he now stands up his DM. Speak to your DH, it took us a few months until I cried to my DH he either chooses her happiness or his DS and mine as I can't keep putting my mental health at the back to keep his DM happy.

She challenges our parenting choices, my favourite comment "your raising an out of control child' he was 7 months old 🤦🏼‍♀️ of course he needs cuddles, feeding on demand but that is spoiling him 🤷‍♀️ so I got DH a load of easy read information to send to her, hasn't said a thing to us again.

I'm dreading lockdown ending as we loose the protection of it's not in the rules. DS is now 17 months and I know we need to watch what we say in front of him now.

My advice is she will calm- mine has, they demanded daily photos for months but now don't. We FaceTime once a week if that.

Presents, gifts etc... it's their money. I usually take thank and "forget" the item if I don't like it, or do the one photo and pass it on. I don't like waste and they know this. I'm very eco so like eco friendly toys/clothes so a lot is hand me downs from friends. I give a list they buy from said list that's the agreement. It took me a year to tell SIL I don't celebrate Halloween therefore we don't want Halloween outfits. She understood thankfully. Good luck and you will find your way through this.

Things my PIL did for us after baby was born:

Clean bloody bathroom (not a great labour)
Stock fridge
Tidy house
Clean sheets
All laundry
Food shopping
Emergency lasinoh runs
Load/ unload dishwasher
Cook
Watch baby sleeping so that I felt comfortable enough to sleep - often in same room, they would sit and read quietly

They have also got lots of cuddles but only when offered and have always given her back when she became hungry or fussy.

I can’t thank them enough.

Sorry that was an unexplained boast about my PIL. My point is, that is what we needed and that is what they did. Because they knew that it was best for their grandchild - they were secure enough to acknowledge that her parents are the centre of her world for now and our well-being was a priority.

It is difficult but the main thing is that your dh should be on the same page as you and any signs of them being overbearing he should step in. My own mil would suggest different ways to do things and I would thank her and if I wanted to or thought it might work I would try it. I wasn't going to dismiss that she had the experience of two children but equally I told her that I wanted to take care of my baby my way. My own mum wanted to do everything for my dd so that I could rest and I let her enjoy being a nan as we live 4 hours away and I knew visits would only be every now and again. She could not settle her before bed though no matter what she tried and was reluctant to give up, I let her try what worked when my siblings and I were little. I then stepped in as sometimes babies just need their mum. I know my mum had a lot of experience with kids (she has 4) but my baby was different. Your mil has form for overstepping the mark and this is where you need to be firm and set your boundaries, your oh should be on the same page but remember his parents holding his babies will be a very proud moment for him and he may not feel they are interfering in the same way as you, therefore you need to be strong and step in when you need to.

If you are in the UK they shouldn't be staying overnight anyway or even be sat in your home. If you are abroad then I would be kind and polite and let them enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. If the babies are getting overtired say so, if it is nap time, feed time you sweep in grab your babies and do what you need to. You will still be their mum even if gran changes a few nappies. When they are holding the babies don't hover over them, go for a walk, have a rest ,cook your tea, do whatever you want.

You sound anxious and have built it up a lot in your head but they haven't even arrived yet. It might not be all doom and gloom and as long as you remember to step in when you feel you need to they can't take over. Remember that they are your partner's parents and your child's grandparents it is normal for them to be excited and the more people that love your babies the better.

One specific thing which might really help you is for DH to commit to taking PILs (and babies?!) out for an hour every day. For a walk, for a drive, whatever. If you KNOW you have an hour to yourself, it will help make the other 23 better.

I just wanted to say thank you all for your advice. They’ve been and gone. I fed upstairs as suggested and was firm on our routine etc but also allowed plenty of time for mil and babies to bond - bathtime, nappy changes, sling, playtime, walks, the occasional expressed bottle feed etc. This apparently wasn’t enough. Long story short the end of their stay culminated in mil wrestling baby out of my arms at one point when he was hungry and leaving the house with him so I could ‘finish my dinner.’ When she eventually came back and I took my baby back to feed she tried to take her out of the of my arms again after I had repeatedly said ‘no.’ Too many boundaries were crossed - calling herself ‘mummy’ ffs! I also got a lot of ‘baby just wants granny’ ‘jokes’ on the rare occasion that I was pushing the pram and other backhanded comments - the baby was sick on me because ‘he just wants granny and not mummy.’ Needless to say I gave it a go, was fair and kind, but she still trampled over all of my boundaries, so next time they are staying in a hotel and any offers of ‘help with childcare’ beyond playing and spending time together will be politely refused.

Thank you so much to all who responded and for giving me the confidence to be polite but firm with mil. I love mumsnet you’re all so supportive! I have discussed with DH who agrees hotels would be better in the future, and is being supportive as I think he could see how much her behaviour upset me and was frankly unacceptable.

Wow, what a bitch. Your instincts were spot on. Hope the posters who were all ‘poor granny’ are eating their words now. You were right to trust your senses!

She sounds like a fucking nightmare. Your instincts were spot on. 👏🏻

I’m glad your DH has witnessed what you feared and says he’ll be supportive going forward. But didn’t he intervene at all? Did he not say, Mum the babies need feeding, give them back to Hhhhhgx?

I think he really needs to grow a bit of a backbone. If he could see you were upset he should have told his mother to back off.

@KatherineSiena he did after a bit, which is the only reason I think she backed off. I told him that I felt he was prioritising not hurting his mother’s feelings over me and should have intervened earlier. He didn’t pick up on many of the more subtle put downs, though he could see that what she did with the baby wrestling wasn’t right and understood why I was upset. He’s been more supportive since and I think had a word with his mother in private. He’s in agreement about the hotel idea now which he wouldn’t have been previously.

That’s good. Telling her to back off will have far greater potency if he does it as she then might realise that you are a team and can’t be divided.

I have a lovely, now very elderly MiL, who really tried not to over step boundaries as she herself had suffered at the hands of a domineering MiL and her husband was as much use as a chocolate teapot in dealing with her. Oddly enough he (my FiL) was the one I had more problems with when mine were younger & having my husband & I present a united front really helped keep him & his more extreme demands at bay.

It's good that he has shifted his position but have another conversation and spell it out...

Ultimately your husband will pay the price of not fully supporting YOU.
Don't be afraid of pointing that out.

Once you see that your partner doesn't have your back, it changes how you feel, and can irreparably damage a relationship.

HE will be the big loser in this, if it were to happen.

His mothet sounds utterly batshit.

Granny will only ruin things for herself if she carries on like this.
Great that you and OH are on the same page re them staying in a hotel next time.

I remember the first time my MIL came to visit when my son was 1 week old. I was sitting with the baby over my shoulder,not winding just snuggling.

MIL walks in and says very loudly OH YOU DONT WIND A BABY LIKE THAT GIVE HIM HERE.
I replied NO.
I knew she was arriving and was expecting her to approach us and say aw lovely baby and then I would have said here you are grandma and handed him over.But she had to be her bossy usual self so I made her wait.

Never mind a hotel I would tell her not to come again rude bitch!

I found gets easier as kids get older. They have their own mind and ability to say no

Sorry its gone like that for you. I had twins (now 13). My MIL was very similar, also called herself mummy and tried to wrestle them out of my arms when hungry. There was one time when she ran off ran the house with a baby and I was literally running after her. She did also to be fair to her help us very much and she loves my DH very much (and all her GC), she just hadn't quite grown away from the idea that she was the mum - think she wanted another go as they were her first grandkids. I wish I could have spoken to my younger self and my DH (who was as much use as a chocolate teapot) and told us to grow a backbone and stand united as it would have saved years of a tense relationship. We had a third child and stood very firm, he even told her off for being rude to me. She has since then been generally very good. She has two other grandkids from her other DS and there has never been a problem there. I have come to appreciate her as we have grown older (especially since we haven't seen them for such a long time over lockdown). This needn't be the forever end of a good relationship (if she is generally a good person), you just need to go through a period of adjustment where you learn your roles.

Holy shit! What a nightmare.

Never let her stay again and don't so much as give an inch. Calling herself mummy is creepy as fuck and shows what she thinks. But taking a baby out of their mother's arms?! How you didn't hit her I don't know!

Sorry to hear it went that way OP. At least you can say you tried. And future visits - straight to the hotel!

God that sounds dreadful! Don't back down with the hotel thing! And mummy - bitch!! That would really hurt me too. Good luck with the subsequent visits but your DH does need to intervene here and control his mum somewhat!

Hello , I understand how you feel as I have twins too and also a MIL that was constantly interfering, I wish now I had been stronger at the time , I would use covid as an excuse for as long as I could , no visits or overnight stays , there is too much at risk , if your babies pick up covid it would be terrible as you have no idea the long term impact, i understand all the work , mostly unseen that comes with twins , surprise visits can throw babies routine out , when mine were small people visiting at the wrong time used really drive me mad as the twins were always unsettled and sometimes it lasted for days