How to cope with MIL overstepping after new baby

[Hhhhhgx]

Hi, I’m a ftm to 4month old twin girls and will have PIL visiting for a few days following the end of restrictions. It will be the first time that they will meet the babies so I do understand the excitement and feel bad that they haven’t been able to meet them until recently. I also feel a bit mean restricting their visit to a few days when they clearly want to stay for longer, but I don’t think I can cope being around them 24/7 for any more than a long weekend- particularly with how I’m feeling at the moment. The girls are also currently going through the 4 month sleep regression so I don’t really want anyone staying for too long while the babies are so unsettled - we have limited furniture and the set-up that I’ve got for tandem feeding/soothing using the only sofa or chair (rocking chair) is going to have to change with guests as we don’t have anywhere for them to sit. (Both have limited mobility and will need to sit down for long periods of time).

MIL is a nice person and I do think her heart’s in the right place, but she can be very inconsiderate, has zero boundaries and is very overwhelming. Our relationship was good until I had the babies, however. Since then there have been loads of things which I haven’t got the space to go into here - mainly unsolicited advice ‘wouldn’t it be better if you did this instead of that?’ interfering in parenting decisions (or just my own personal decisions) such as where I live, when I go on maternity leave etc and making condescending comments such as ‘well I hope it all works out’ when ive continued to do things as I had planned. She has been quite pushy about her preferences regarding certain parenting choices and when DH has asked her to back off, tried to claim it was all banter (which I personally find quite manipulative but it all goes over DH’s head).

Then there’s the complete lack of respect for our boundaries. SIL wanted to stay overnight to visit DH for his birthday. I said no this time around as we were in lockdown and babies were still tiny. MIL took it upon herself to suggest SIL comes down anyway as ‘a surprise’ and stands outside while she rings me to get me to open the door, putting us in a position where we then feel obliged to put SIL up for the night as she lives at least 6 hours away. I wouldn’t ordinarily mind SIL staying but the babies were only a couple of weeks old at the time, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and she is also not the type of house guest that I would want so soon after having a baby (very immature and inconsiderate). There are millions of other examples that I could give but this post would go on forever.

Now they are staying I am terrified that she’s going to undermine everything I do and try to take over. She keeps claiming that she is coming to ‘help’ with childcare. A lovely gesture but I really really do not want or need that kind of help from her. Also, she hasn’t even asked what help we might need but has decided for herself that this will be exclusively looking after the babies for the duration of their stay. I understand that this is more about her bonding with the children though and do want her to be involved as she’s their granny so will let her ‘help’ with most things as it’s important for her and the babies to bond. The problem is the way she’s going on her idea of ‘help’ is looking more and more like playing mummy to my children, while undermining me and interfering in parenting decisions. I don’t know whether it is just the hormones but this idea is making me extremely anxious. She’s obsessed with them already and is way too involved in her own children’s lives so I can see her continuing to interfere for years to come if I don’t nip it in the bud now. She spoils all her family rotten, which is nice, and of course I want her to be able to treat the grandkids as it makes her happy and kids will love it (as a treat), but she’s the kind of person who will go completely over the top and buy them millions of expensive Christmas presents, overshadowing mum and dad (PIL have a lot more money than us), or will take over everything, the Christmas Eve box, first bike, first Christmas outfit etc. She has already bought them outfits for most of the holidays this year and it hasn’t crossed her mind that I or DH might like to choose these things for our own children. How do I politely tell her she is granny not mummy and needs to back off a bit? She also is very sensitive and cries at everything, her children (including DH) are all fiercely protective of her so I don’t want to end up causing loads of family conflict.

With baby twins you need all the help you can get. Start making lists of jobs for both MIL and PIL. Long,long lists. MN can help :-)

Here's a few starters.

Mow lawn/clean windows/ wash floors/clean bathrooms/go shopping/ do the laundry/ironing/cook/wash up. Put twins in buggy and go for a walk in fresh air while you stay home with feet up on sofa .
Let them do any amount of nappy changes, bathing and dressing one or both babies (at the time that fits your routine). Leave them holding and gooing over babies while you enjoy a shower/bath/rest on bed/reading MN.
If you possibly can, you and DH sjhould take this chance to leave PILS gooing over fed babies and doing nappies etc, while you and DH go for a walk , alone together, in the fresh air.

 This is an opportunity you should not miss.  Trust me, I'm a granny to twins.

You have a lot going on and I understand why you feel worried based on their previous behaviour. Don’t worry about the presents, first bike, Christmas outfits etc. that stuff isn’t your battle right no. I agree with one of the first reply, smile and nod and then just keep doing what you are doing. Ask her to clean, do a load of washing, wash the dishes, cook dinner, whatever she is capable of. Her crying what confronted is straight up manipulative behaviour. If she is taking over, waking up the babies, picking them up during their play time, whatever she does you don’t want. Just tell her

She sounds like a manipulative (the crying) pain in the ass. Your husband sounds easily manipulated.

You’re going to have to be really brave and say ‘no’, to everything you don’t want, everything that’s an overstep, and to every time she starts to take over. Sod the inevitable waterworks and sod the fall out.

I feel really quite sorry for the MIL. This is the first time she’s ever met her grandchildren and people are suggesting you ask her to clean the bathroom instead of spending any time with her new grandchildren

Do people really treat their families like this?

Make sure that your husband is home 24/7 for the whole of their visits, they are his parents and his it’s job to host them, prepare their room, cook meals etc, do the laundry afterwards etc.

You have your hands full with two babies. I’d spent a lot of time in my bedroom alone, Bf one or both of them. Then have a nap when PIL are taking babies for a walk and your husband is making dinner.

And of course you need a lock on your bedroom door for privacy.

If your husband wants his parents to do chores then he can write the list and give it to them. Don’t allow yourself to be made the baddie here.

The answer to 90% of in law problems is to get your husband to deal with it. Most men are happy to ignore an issue when it’s not personally affecting them.

Where do they live that they even need to stay for a few days???

Are they not able to visit you for a few hours? Are they visiting from another country? I wouldn't even have mind for a weekend stay. I don't get it, why do they need to stay a few days?

OP, I get it, I really do. My MIL was an absolute nightmare when my PFB was tiny, she completely ruined my maternity leave by being overbearing. Practice smiling sweetly, saying no and asking her to do something else. You are their mother and it's absolutely fine to have your boundaries.

I would say that it does take time for grandparents to get used to the grandparent role and understand they aren't the parents, especially if she is over involved in her children's lives. She will settle down and try not to think too far into the future - you may want or need the break in future so try not to explode but keep breathing and practicing boundaries.

This is just a few days OP so I wouldn't overthink this too much, I would use to it your advantage and make the most of the help. I.e. have a leisurely shower or bath while they are bonding with the babies,go for a walk alone or with DH. Just make sure DH is always around and you are not made to feel like you should be entertaining them as well and looking after your twins, you have enough on.
As it's just a few days, any unwanted advice I would just smile and nod and say you're perfectly happy with the way you're doing things, that you've had the time to settle on your own approach. They're not literally newborns, you know what you're doing now so you hopefully aren't that susceptible to being pressured into doing things differently. I hope you haven't got PND as obviously that would make you more vulnerable and my advice would be different.
You'd be well with your rights to just go off and breast feed in private, so you can do this every time things get a bit much. They do need this time to bond with their grandchildren, let them and try and make it work for you.
Also you can get rid of holiday outfits if you're not happy , stash in the loft until they're big enough for them and then "forget" to get them down until they've out grown them and take to charity. Pick your battles OP.

I kept boundaries firm with my DM and my husband had polite but stern words with MIL. I still had unsolicited advice ("why don't you top up with formula then they will sleep"angry ) from both which annoyed me to no end.

I see this kind of thing all the time. I don't understand why other people can't make suggestions? MIL makes suggestions and 90% of them I ignore/ed but she is a mother, does have experience and some have been useful.

Obviously, if she KEEPS banging on and on and on and on and on about it, that's a different situation but I've never understood this idea that no one is ever allowed to say they did it differently or to make a suggestion.

OP, it can be difficult and frankly, having people in your home with babies is hard, I know. I'd see if there's a way to get them to stay at a local hotel so at least you don't have the stress of MIL popping up at 3 am to suggest an alternative soothing method! But letting them take on some of the load can be helpful. Both mind were velcro babies, so having a grandparent for them to nap on while I showered/napped/did something else was hugely helpful frankly. Let them cuddle, dress, feed (if you're bottle feeding), change the babies. You only need to step in if, for example, you know they're tired but granny wants to play lots of noisy games for another 30 minutes or whatever.

@MumW

Rules may have relaxed a little but indoor visiting, let alone overnights won't be allowed until 17th May at earliest. Social distancing is still in place so she shouldn't be hugging anyone either.

You need to get DH onside and he needs to tell his DM the above. When they do eventually come to stay it should be "The twins keep us busy and we don't have time to entertain guests so if you want to stay, you'll have to take us as you find us and muck in with ALL the household chores and not just the baby related ones."

You'll need to be firm with your boundaries and set the precedent for future contact.
I'd leave the clean bedding folded on the guest bed so they have to make their own bed. Have a casserole ready in the fridge so you can ask her to get the dinner that night. Start out how you mean to go on.

As for SIL, I hope you made it clear that 6 hours or not, without an invite she would've been turned back, never mind because it broke covid rules.

A great post! 👍

My twins are now 5.5months (and still in the 4mth regression...) so I absolutely feel you x

You will need boundaries of steel and a pre-visit chat with the husband about the fact that you and your babies are his primary family now: He must protect you from disruptions and disrespect even from his own mum.

I kept too quiet and put up with my MIL who visited to “help” every night for 12 weeks 😭 She would only ever do the glory tasks; holding and feeding babies.

Her perception of help was that she would play mummy every night while we sorted the bins and the cat litter and didn’t get a look in. Never once even boiled the kettle.

It all came to a head when my husband himself tried to tell her that we were having problems feeding so we would do them all for a few days to figure it out..

She started crying and said some indignant stuff about “I suppose you’ll expect me to do the washing up instead!!!”
Then she stormed out and didn’t come back.

It was fucking great 😂

I’m due twins in July and I’m absolutely dreading my PIL coming over. They’re moving to our area to ensure they can ‘help’.

She’s already moaning I won’t let them hve DD for sleepovers (she’s 2) and that they left my DH at 8 months for a week with grandparents and he was ‘perfectly fine’.

It’s really hard actually. It’s a shame to say it but I don’t like my MiL, we have nothing in common and she has been judgemental and basically ignored me until my DD came along. But I have no choice but to have this woman in my house when she makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s such an odd dynamic to deal with and I struggle.

So no tips but I feel for you! Just be assertive, keep out of the way if you need to and talk to your DH about it.

You have some great advice here. You need to agree certain things with DH beforehand, go in on the not wanting to get out of routine/things gets missed/forgotten tack. You will pay for it ages after if they completely disrupt the routine. I did see a piece on This Morning the other day about a mum worrying her baby would be overwhelmed by people wanting to meet the baby. She was advised to spread it out, (she advised not all at once, so them coming for a short break is good, could they go off on their own for a bit see people or places to give babies a break), she also advised for the baby to not be constantly passed about and people be in their face but to put the baby down or with parent as normal and people mingle around them as background so to speak and give them some breathing space. I would go on the tack if she overwhelmes the babies they are not going to bond which is her aim.

God I would hate this.

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t allow it. Let her stay nearby and visit for a few hours each day. At that age there’s absolutely no way I’d have allowed anyone to stay over at the house, I’d have been beyond on edge and tense. I know exactly what you mean, DH tried a few times to encourage me to let in laws come and ‘help’ with the baby but it wouldn’t have been any help, I’d have had to teach them everything to care for him and be around anyway for feeding, it’d have been more pressure than help even if well intentioned.

I would just message and say you’re looking forward to seeing her but you’re going to have to change plans and have her visit but not stay over, maybe make some bullshit up if you feel you need to but stand firm. Your DH should be the one doing this however.

Oh with the presents the best thing to do when anyone mentions buying x or y, just say the same to all on repeat, "as there are several people that will be wanting to buy gifts let us know and we can tell you if to go ahead", then when they mention bikes etc you can just say we've already bought some (dont say you will, else she may just go ahead regardless), or auntie is buying that, what about z instead. This will help with stopping you being upset, warring grandparents, duplicates, wrong types/colours etc

@Queenbean

I feel really quite sorry for the MIL. This is the first time she’s ever met her grandchildren and people are suggesting you ask her to clean the bathroom instead of spending any time with her new grandchildren

Do people really treat their families like this?

That’s a very normal request, yes.

If anyone had offered to help with my baby I would have found cleaning up or cooking or doing some laundry to be the actual ‘help’ I would benefit from. Doing baby care would have been stressful for me as either a) I’d have to teach them what to do anyway so double the work, or b) even if they knew their stuff I’d have been on edge worry if they were doing it wrong .

Freeing me up to spend time with baby or just sleep would have meant doing the chores that were getting in the way of that.

Nobody’s saying she can’t spend time with the babies but OP is clearly worried about her overstepping and trying to get possessive over it, sounds like she just wants to be left in peace with her babies. Fine for grandma to visit but not okay to stay over it OP isn’t comfortable with it.

@ShirleyPhallus

I understand the boundaries need to be in place

But I really quite disagree with some of these posts. Putting a bolt on your bedroom door and locking yourself inside?

It’s one weekend. Don’t forget the babies are also your husband’s, and his mother is her mother. Ie, those babies are also her family not solely yours.

You need to feel comfortable in your own home but you seem to be overreacting to something that hasn’t even happened yet. You’re knackered, understandably, can you take a step back and see that handing over the twins for a few hours to her at a time and getting some rest might actually be a nice thing for you?

IMO OP knows her MIL best. If she didn’t have good reason to be worried about this she wouldn’t be. I can think of relatives where I’d be absolutely fine with them visiting and helping with baby and relatives where it’d be over my dead body.

A lock on the door might be necessary if she’s the type to barge in. I know I would have felt very under threat with visitors if I couldn’t escape upstairs on my own or with baby for a bit when it felt overwhelming. And if I didn’t trust those people not to follow me up there I’d get a lock. Psychologically it can be a really useful coping mechanism knowing you have somewhere private to retreat to for a bit if you have people over you don’t 100% trust not to intrude.

I've been there. Some really good advice here. Keep in mind some of the responses suggested and ways that she can get involved. Stick to them as she will always try and push them. Get your dh to help. My dh would get the baby and bring them to me or say to me to get the baby in front of them if they were crying. We had this strategy planned and now it's second nature to everyone. Over time it definitely can get better. Mine have picked up on my boundaries and respect that i am the mum. They even think I'm doing a good job so have backed off. When they reach the toddler stage you will really appreciate the grandparents and feel confident as your child can express themselves to their grandparents and tell you what happened. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you just need to renegotiate the boundaries now is all. Mine absolutely adore my kids and it's great

I remember that horrible sitting duck feeling that you get when you are trying to establish a good feeding/ napping pattern and you are just getting your head above water and then you have people in the house that are very demanding and not good listeners. I might be tempted to devise a schedule that you can outline with your MIL when she arrives that clearly shows the routine you would like to stick to. If you need an hour or more in the afternoon or early evening to cluster/ tandem feed then just put that on the schedule and ask that your DH and parents go out for a stroll. If you need the rocker can you get it moved upto your bedroom for their visit so you can have peace and comfort for feeding.
Make sure you schedule in the MIL having playtime cuddles etc, but put all naps, feeds, bedtime, bathtime routine on the planner. Then when you want the quiet time with your babies to get them, calm, fed settled etc, your DH needs to leap in with a suggestion with his mum, to come with him to get the takeaway, play a board game, watch a tv show etc so you have some breathing space and you can keep the babies on track and stay sane.

Some of the stuff she is buying may be an emotional substitute for not seeing them and may calm down. No bad thing having hers as a spare outfits at Christmas etc. Babies puke. Get a balance bike in at just gone 2, she probably won’t think of that and you’ll be ahead. There’s a lot of good advice here.

I don't know why people always assume that staying in someone's house especially with a new baby is helpful in any way

I think it's harder with PIL because if it was your own parents overstepping the mark you can just tell them to piss off and no one would take offence! But with PIL although they are family uts just completely different you worry about hurting them and causing issues

Sounds very stressful OP.

I would have zero time nor tolerance for people who cry at being told No.

You need to be very clear with your husband as to YOUR expectations of him.

Otherwise you will find yourself going off him pretty damn quickly.

Your MIL sounds like a complete PITA.

Lots of great tips above.

@nettytree

It's just a weekend. Look forward to it being a nice rest for you. Your mil is family, let her help.

Exactly this and also pray you are never a mother in law!!

Decide in advance what your lines in the sand are and stick to them rigidly. (Talk to DH so he understands the importance of backing you where necessary.) However allow flexibility around other things and find ways to involve MIL to help them feel that they are getting their grand parenting experience in. Give her some slack over the little things and it will help smooth things over.

Eg.

If it's important the babies stick to their sleep schedule, be firm. But maybe allow GM to dress the babies in outfits of her choice at the next change to placate her. Or, you take charge of running the baby bath, but maybe let GM hold one baby while you bath the other.

Not unlike managing demanding toddlers really... 😁

MIL took it upon herself to suggest SIL comes down anyway as ‘a surprise’ and stands outside while she rings me to get me to open the door, putting us in a position where we then feel obliged to put SIL up for the night as she lives at least 6 hours away.

Whattttt ...!!!!!
To me that doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Have no qualms at all about keeping her at arms length.

@Greenrubber

I don't know why people always assume that staying in someone's house especially with a new baby is helpful in any way

I think it's harder with PIL because if it was your own parents overstepping the mark you can just tell them to piss off and no one would take offence! But with PIL although they are family uts just completely different you worry about hurting them and causing issues

Exactly. Why can’t some people understand that the relationship as a paternal grandparent is different, especially in the baby stage. It just is, unless you are very close with your DIL. My Mum has always understood this with my brothers, and my Grandma.