To think kids get harder not easier?

[Draineddraineddrained]

Absolutely loved the baby and toddler stage with my DD1, even though she was VERY hard work (CMPA, clingy AF, non-sleeper).

My girl is now 4 and OH MY GOD. Every day is tantrums, demands, rudeness, crying over nothing. The sweet, funny, interesting little toddler I had pre-lockdown has transformed into a person I honestly dread getting up in the morning because it's never more than 5 minutes before she's doing something I have to pull her up on or screaming the house down over some total triviality like the colour of her tights 🤦‍♀️

I'm well aware 4 is meant to be a really fun age 😔 someone tell me where I've gone wrong!

I found this too. Loved having a baby / toddler. Even though I had two of them under two years and DC2 was a difficult baby (didn't sleep through the night before they started school etc..).
With my DD, the difficult phase started at 3-4 and only got better at about 9-10. Age 11+ horrific again.
My DS was a lovely, sweet boy until about 8-9 when he became AWFUL.
Give me a baby any day!

My dd definitely got easier the older she got. She's 24 now and 0-3 was definitely the hardest

I think it’s so varied, and as well as depending on the parent and their preferences it also depends on the temperament of the child and what else is going on in life at the time (siblings, work, money, relationships...)

DC1 is 9. He was a grumpy baby (in retrospect I suspect undx dairy issues) and an intelligent and highly strung toddler. At 3 and 4 he was a sweetheart and I felt like I finally wasn’t failing. He was sleeping through and I was in a job which stretched me just the right amount and he was thriving at nursery and life was sunny. I loved that stage.

Starting school was hard for him and that made 4-going-on-5 harder. The following year I got pregnant and so even though he was adjusting well I was bloody exhausted and bad tempered. Once DC2 was born, he was still settled at school and I was much more energetic and happy and 6 felt like a really good age. 8 was harder, unexpectedly so.

DC2 otoh was a v rewarding baby and a fairly chilled toddler. She’s just turned 3 and while in general she’s still a ray of sunshine, she’s definitely the least fun she’s been - too much defiance and shouting and fighting 😫 different trajectory to my eldest. But my job now is much more stressful than when DC1 was this age, and I’m also depleted by angsty eldest.

When DS was a little baby we called him Sunshine. He always had a smile, slept beautifully. He's 4 now and tbh he's an arsehole. He's very much loved and cared for but I want to throttle him several times a day.

DD was a Hard Work baby and toddler. Never slept, epic meltdowns, no focus on anything. Assessed for ASD as a toddler but apparently neurotypical. She's a generally calm, pleasant and well behaved 6 year old. Life with her is soooo much easier than the baby years.

So I suppose it depends on the child.

Mine have got easier. First was a non-sleeping screamy baby and very errrr strong-willed toddler. Absolute delight now although can be high maintenance. Second was a dream baby and angelic toddler, still an absolute dream child now. The teenage years will be different again but if it’s harder then I’ll deal with it.

Mine are 4 and 6.. definitely getting easier every day. I'm so glad the physical bit is over and the sleep deprivation.

I only had one child and I really loved all of the stages, he was such a good boy and all he cared about was drawing and painting models which he did all of the time (he is a professional artist now).
I think it made a big difference it was just him and me as there was far less stress and nobody else to consider but us so our time together was always very laid back and we did what we wanted.

Mine are 8 and 10. I’ve seen those ages referred to as the ‘golden age’ of parenting. They’re old enough to do most things for themselves, they are interesting little people who can hold conversations but the teenage hormones haven’t yet kicked it. Having hated the baby/toddler stage I am really enjoying my pre-teens. I hope the teenage years are as good!

I think the challenges just change! We're all human and have our own personalities, limits, strengths, and weaknesses, raising humans who also have all of the same.

My DD is also 4 - I understand what you're going through! They desperately want a level of independence they're not really ready for and ideas and ideals that aren't really practical. They can communicate so much better but still struggle with emotions - it's a roller-coaster for sure! Lucky they're also lovely and being able to have a conversation with them and hear their ideas (when they're being reasonable!) is amazing.

I have a 4 year old who tantrums and a toddler who doesn’t yet and is very cute. Despite the fact that I need to think carefully at time how I handle things the 4 year old is much easier over all. I think it’s easy to forget the bad bits of the toddler years and of any times when you’re looking to the past.

Mine are teens. I get less sleep and my house is messier than ever before.

Hang on in there. Mine are 10 and 7 and I bloody love it. Very self sufficient, can shower and dress themselves, make breakfast, etc but I still know where they are. Hormones are starting to kick in with my eldest but mostly she's really good company.

Enjoy your evenings while you still have them, though.

This is our life since our daughter turned 3. Omg...

I agree OP. Easy babies but man alive I find the pressure much harder emotionally now they're 9 & 7.

I long for the days of a sleepy baby! I do not miss carting around a bag full of Cheerios and pampers though...

@Draineddraineddrained

Thank you for all the perspectives - seems like every child has their moment! And yes lockdown doesn't help. Baby sibling threw her off for a couple of weeks and it was genuine hell - she's probably still dealing with that in ways I can't see.

Today we've had literal lying on the floor wailing tantrums because:

1. her tights were blue
2. her different tights didn't have stars on
3. I asked her to take her hands out of my top
4. I asked her to have a wee (she'd been up for 3 hours and was jigging around desperate)
5. I asked her to take off her own shoes
6. I asked her to wash her hands after going out to the playground

It's not like it even lunchtime yet!!

I think it helps to do things the way they do in nursery. So don't say 'can you wash your hand please' or 'would you go to the toilet, you clearly have to wee.' In nursery and school everything has a 'time' snack time, lunch time, toilet time, home time and they just accept that these things happen at these times. So just bellow ' ITS TOILET TIME' and if she starts to argue just be like hey don't blame me when it's toilet time it's toilet time 🤷🏻‍♀️ Get a clock and point at it if needed to reinforce your point

I’m no expert but I reckon at least some of her behaviour is to do with your new arrival. Try making an extra fuss of her & perhaps she could help with the baby & be told what a helpful girl she is. She’s had you to herself for 4 years so it could take a while to adjust.

I’ve never loved the baby/toddler stage but here’s what I find hard about my four year old:

1. He’s too old for a buggy but a slow/reluctant/moany walker so walks anywhere are frustrating

1. He can’t hold a pencil properly, has never drawn anything beyond scribbles, so that’s a worry (he’s in school). Other health worries too.

What I find easy:

He watches TV by himself for a few minutes, goes to the toilet by himself, dresses himself, eats well, stays in bed till it’s time to get up.

We have meltdowns too but nowadays I wait for him to calm down, get bored and come and say sorry. Overall I find him less physically tiring than his toddler sister, but more emotionally worrying.

My kids are adult now. I still worry about them. As they grow up their problems become more adult and serious. I know they're hard work when they're little but you will look back in years to come and feel nostalgia I promise you

Do you think she's maybe reacting to the upheaval of having a new sibling? Must be hard for her to deal with your attention now being divided with a new baby.

I've found all stages to be pretty hellish and my child is only 6. From years of crap sleep straight into intense tantrums and meltdowns on a daily basis.

Reverse for me.

Baby stage - absolutely hated. Felt like torture and mind numbing boredom. DC great sleeper too so I don't even have that to blame. I just find it horrific. Once DC could talk it was so much better. Enjoyed from 2.5 onwards and now at 4.5 it's really not bad. DC is independent and doesn't need me as much, chatty and funny. Yes he still throws a strop and can be moody and argumentative but I'd take that over a screaming baby any day!

Due #2 in 10 weeks and actually dreading the first year so planning to return to work much much earlier this time around!

Should add.... DC is youngest in his year and started school only a few days after turning 4. I do think school matures them quickly and it's been great for us.

He had always attended nursery/long preschool days for 4 days a weeek since 12 months though. I honestly think DC preferred being out and busy at nursery/school. During school hols and lockdowns I've noticed DC is much moodier!!

Some of mine are adults now, some not.

Doesn’t get harder or easier, just changes and depends on what you’re like as a person as to how you feel about those changes.

Despite having 5 babies, I cannot stand babies, or toddlers for that matter. You say your DD was clingy, just know I would have found that a living hell. I liked mine most once they hit 9, enjoyed the teenage years in the main. I’m good at tuning out the grumbling. I like seeing them gain independence but yes the issues become outside of your control and far more serious, but you can also leave them alone when being unbearable and go out for wine with friends, or have a weekend away with DH. It’s all swings and roundabouts and you’re never free of them!

14-16 years old DD are much more fun

Mine are 23 and 25.

Four was without a doubt the most difficult age for both of them.
The baby and toddler stages were tricky but FOUR, oh dear. Screaming, sobbing, tantrums, just awful.

5 to 10 golden years fun, adorable and well behaved
11 to 18 were lovely
19 onwards fantastic company.

Small children, small problems
Big children, big problems