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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry DS might be too nice for secondary school and to worry a bit?

74 replies

PasstheBucket89 · 27/03/2021 15:35

My DS is due upto Secondary school in September, having a bit of a wibbble.
this isnt like a horrible stealth boast, he can be a surly nightmare like any preteen,
But he is genuinely a nice kid, quiet, introverted, nerdy in the nicest sense of the word, has a small select social circle. i suppose with that temperament he'll either suffer bullying or find his people! ive observed its sometimes harder to be a "nice lad" in male teen social circles. its not right but something ive noticed.
and im a bit daunted that when he leaves the fairly comfortable bubble of primary, he will get a shock at Secondary as in terms of everything really you are far more left to your own devices, and being thrown in with much older children.
Hes actually said he doesn't think its right 11 yr olds are thrown in with 16 yr olds and why don't we have more middle schools, so i dunno, i hope hes not picking up on my worry, or worried himself.
AIBU to worry??

OP posts:
FlyingByTheSeatof · 27/03/2021 15:38

Most people worry.

It's a big step and they all have to adjust. Yr 7 is a funny old year of transistion and working out who they really like and trust etc

When they start year 8 it's different, they are no longer the newbies and will have more confidence all round.

Scarby9 · 27/03/2021 15:39

There are loads of lovely kids at every secondary school.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 27/03/2021 15:39

Be thankful you have a DS and not a DD who then also has to put up with periods and unwanted sexual advances etc on top of everything else.

Cattitudes · 27/03/2021 15:40

The 16yr olds are not the ones to worry about, generally I find it is their own year and the year above who are more likely to be unpleasant. They grow up really quickly when they go to secondary, I would encourage him to go to lots of clubs, that is where he will find his tribe.

Cocomarine · 27/03/2021 15:41

You can point out that at primaries, 4 year olds are in with 11 year olds.

At my child’s school, Y11 have nothing to do with Y7. They couldn’t care less about litter kids. Y7 are most likely to be bullied by Y7, possibly Y8. Middle school wouldn’t help that.

Loads of “nice” boys in my child’s Y7 - not bullied at all.

TheJackieWeaver · 27/03/2021 15:44

The vast majority of teenagers are absolutely lovely. If your son is also lovely, they’ll get on brilliantly and he’ll have a fabulous time. Stop overthinking it.

Nuitsdesetoiles · 27/03/2021 15:45

@PasstheBucket89

My DS is due upto Secondary school in September, having a bit of a wibbble. this isnt like a horrible stealth boast, he can be a surly nightmare like any preteen, But he is genuinely a nice kid, quiet, introverted, nerdy in the nicest sense of the word, has a small select social circle. i suppose with that temperament he'll either suffer bullying or find his people! ive observed its sometimes harder to be a "nice lad" in male teen social circles. its not right but something ive noticed. and im a bit daunted that when he leaves the fairly comfortable bubble of primary, he will get a shock at Secondary as in terms of everything really you are far more left to your own devices, and being thrown in with much older children. Hes actually said he doesn't think its right 11 yr olds are thrown in with 16 yr olds and why don't we have more middle schools, so i dunno, i hope hes not picking up on my worry, or worried himself. AIBU to worry??
OP you've described our situation exactly. DS very like this, I'm worried about secondary. He's adamant about going to the same massive comprehensive as his sister (who's cool sassy and streetwise unlike him!) Whereas there's another local school I think he'd be more suited to. I'm really worried about the social aspect. Unfortunately research backs up your comment about kinder gentler boys being less popular, aggressive very typically male boys are more popular. However I'm trying to reassure myself that DS will find his tribe. His kind gentle nature and geekiness is an asset not an affliction!
Fruitloopcowabunga · 27/03/2021 15:46

I get why you're worried but have found the friends at DS' secondary school are much nicer and better for him (he has ASD) than most at primary school. Bigger pool of people - more chance of finding his type of friend. There have been some issues of course - some people have tried to bully him - but overall really happy

cryh · 27/03/2021 15:50

The only thing annoying in your post is you assume your child is a rarity? My children are/were lovely too, so are many others.

You teach your kids to have good values and encourage them to stay away from wankers. You encourage them to tell you as soon as there are any problems.

LolaSmiles · 27/03/2021 15:52

The vast majority of secondary school students are lovely. They're not all identical and will find their own tribes, but they are largely very nice.

In a typical year 7 class you've got sporty boys, class clowns, the ones who thought they were big fish in Y6 and find themselves getting knocked down a peg or two, musical boys, boys who want to be involved in drama, creative boys, loud boys, quiet boys, nerdy (positive btw) boys, sciencey boys, boys who read, boys who go to lego club, boys who consider themselves cool and so on.

Secondary is a lovely melting pot, though it can take a few weeks to find their feet.

CoRhona · 27/03/2021 15:54

I assume he is your PFB?

He'll be fine Wink

LadyCatStark · 27/03/2021 15:56

DS is similar to yours and he has definitely found his people. He’s at an all boys Grammar School though so that might make a difference.

Ivchangedmynameforthis · 27/03/2021 15:57

OP i had this exact worry with my DS last year. His primary school is a little bubble of niceness where even the most badly behaved children are not that bad ( I work there too). I perceived our local secondary as a bit rough round the edges and some of the people as not the sort of people he has ever met before HOWEVER I am happy to admit I was very very wrong. It has been the making of him. He has found a lovely group of friends (nerds like him) and is absolutely thriving. He has joined a particularly geeky club ran by one of his teachers on a lunch time and who even carried it on during lockdown on Google classroom. My DD is due to join him in September and I have no worries at all.

Original poster
PasstheBucket89 · 27/03/2021 16:05

@flyingbytheseatof, i don't actually know if girls have it worse, just different, i. e in terms of being beaten up, i don't always unwanted sexual behaviour is selective to girls either, obviously the period stuff is.

OP posts:
Original poster
PasstheBucket89 · 27/03/2021 16:06

Im glad most people have had their worries proven wrong,

OP posts:
merryhouse · 27/03/2021 16:06

Echo the poster who said it's not the Y11s you have to worry about.

The only contact my sons in Y7 had with Y11s - or with Y7s when they were in Y11 - was through music groups. That was brilliant, much better than being restricted to KS3 ensembles.

My boys are both academic, quietish, pleasant children who abandoned all thoughts of being cool at an early age and one of them has red hair while the other is decidedly - ah, "quirky" I believe is the epithet du jour.

They've both been fine. The other day the younger one - 18 on Monday - said (as a natural part of conversation) that he'd never had any trouble with bullying. He's invited 5 friends round for a barbecue. Older one had a lovely mixed group of friends all through school and is still in contact with them.

(Standard smallish NE comprehensive)

TheMoth · 27/03/2021 16:10

As a secondary teacher who's taught in various schools and whose dappy, nerdy son is going to the dodgy school near us, I'm really worried for him. Not so much in school, but walking home. There's a couple of groups of kids, look about yr 6/7, who are currently wandering round throwing stones at windows, banging on people's windows and running away. There's also an older group who find sport in preying on younger kids and attacking them.

I've also seen how bloody awful ks3 kids can be and how ineffectual some slts can be in dealing with it. As a teacher, I know a lot of those kids have much worse lives than my kids. As a parent, I feel a bit tigerish.

KittyMcKitty · 27/03/2021 16:11

I have a year 11 and year 13 and the year 7’s are - in the nicest possible way - of zero interest and relevance to them. I think your worry is unfounded. Ina secondary school there are all sorts of children and your dc will find their tribe.

Original poster
PasstheBucket89 · 27/03/2021 16:12

@TheMoth, exactly it makes me ragey just thinking about it, can we be tigery together? Grin

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 27/03/2021 16:14

I work in a good school in a really deprived area, the kind of area people avoid. Even at this school there are a number of the kind of nerdy nice kids you describe. I actually do think it’s a bit easier for boys as the home life of some of the kids is pretty awful and the girls seem to struggle more with emotional problems and friendship fall-outs. I think for a lot of children the transition to secondary can be very tough though, because it is a massive change from primary.

Newgirls · 27/03/2021 16:18

Encourage him to join clubs and keep busy at break times.

Encourage him to do things outside of school so school isn’t everything.

Basically same advice for any kid! Tell him it’s great and a chance to meet loads of new people and find his people and that yes some won’t be for him but that is true of our whole lives.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 27/03/2021 16:20

I was going to start a similar thread OP. I am terrified about my DD moving up (although she is only year 5). Our primary school is absolutely lovely. The local secondary is... not. Huge, super strict but the strictness doesn’t seem to have helped with the notorious behaviour problems. There are other options but they all seem to be as strict. The school is run by an extremely strict MAT and there is a huge amount of ill feeling from parents. Kids seem to be in isolation every 2 minutes.

I have hidden it from her (I hope) but am so, so sad that she will leave the safe world of primary and secondary be thrown to the lions. I have never been sentimental about her moving on to anything before but this feels so different.

The saddest thing is the school is she at is such a wonderful school and there are amazing friendship groups. Yet despite the fact that 90% of the school (maybe more) will go to the local secondary, these groups will be deliberately broken. The friends she has had since she was 4 will be in different classes to her.

I feel there is absolutely nothing I can do to help and feel so sad that my confident, happy child is about to be torn to shreds. Either by other students or by the teachers. I asked her current teacher what I could do to avoid year 7 being painful and she basically said there was no magic answer and that all kids have to go though it Sad.

Sorry, no remotely helpful advice but I get it completely.

SplendidSuns1000 · 27/03/2021 16:22

He'll be fine.

Gumandbass · 27/03/2021 16:25

I think this is something most parents worry about. Secondary school opens up a much bigger pool & he will find his group. There will always be a few 'bad apples' but in my experience most teen boys are actually quite lovely.

TheMoth · 27/03/2021 16:25

It's not so much that ds is particular nice. He's just not particularly macho or into football. He's more xbox and Mark Kermode style film critic. He has a good swear vocabulary though, which I suspect he uses when I'm not around. He's also never fallen out with anyone in his life. He might just drift through under anyone's radar.

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