to worry DS might be too nice for secondary school and to worry a bit?

[PasstheBucket89]

My DS is due upto Secondary school in September, having a bit of a wibbble.
this isnt like a horrible stealth boast, he can be a surly nightmare like any preteen,
But he is genuinely a nice kid, quiet, introverted, nerdy in the nicest sense of the word, has a small select social circle. i suppose with that temperament he'll either suffer bullying or find his people! ive observed its sometimes harder to be a "nice lad" in male teen social circles. its not right but something ive noticed.
and im a bit daunted that when he leaves the fairly comfortable bubble of primary, he will get a shock at Secondary as in terms of everything really you are far more left to your own devices, and being thrown in with much older children.
Hes actually said he doesn't think its right 11 yr olds are thrown in with 16 yr olds and why don't we have more middle schools, so i dunno, i hope hes not picking up on my worry, or worried himself.
AIBU to worry??

My son went from prep school into a year 7 secondary so that was a massive change he’s been just fine and happy as ever. He’s now in year 9. Sure there’s some settling in the first term but there are lots of different groups and they find their friends. It’s not all gangs and Grange Hill...

My DS was a lovely soft hearted boy - the friends he found in secondary school were much nicer than the ones he had in primary! In fact one of his primary teachers said as he left that he deserved to find much nicer friends! So don't worry too much 😘

I’m sure he will be fine and find lots of lovely like-minded friends, but YANBU to worry. There are a few boys in my class I worry a little bit about how they will cope with secondary.

Those with experience, is there any possibility they stay friends with their primary friends? Huge secondary, friendship groups split up across multiple classes as a policy . My DD will probably not be in a tutor group with any of her friends from primary.

Both my sons are quiet, lovely, calm children who went to a secondary where they knew no one. They have made completely lovely friends.

The school does have segregate areas for year groups though so they have a year 7 courtyard where they can get food at both break and lunch so if they don't want to face the dining hall they don't have to.

He will find his people, if there is bullying he should have been told exactly who to report it to and it should be dealt with swiftly. Both my sons have experienced some level of bullying, all nipped in the bud. They are now year 13 and 10. Love school.

My lovely sensitive boy settled into secondary school really well as I was quite surprised and relieved, but he has had wobbles and serious anxiety in year 8 due to being in and out of school like a yo yo and many of his new friends reverted back to their more familiar primary school mates after each period of lockdown absence. It has been tough.

It usually all goes tits up by the end of yr 7 and into 8, then settles by yr10. Then 6th form is lovely cos they get to know each other in different ways.

I'm not friends with anyone from primary. But my mates who went to the same primary and school in the town we lived in are still friends with primary kids.

DD started in Yr 7 in September. We have had more issues with her primary school friends than anyone else. Add onto that one specific boy started harassing her and telling his mates she was playing hard to get, I was worried. Fast forward and we had a few difficult months but now she has found new friends and persisted in telling the lad she was interested and threatened to report him because he made her feel bad. I must admit I wasn't sure how she would cope but she found a way.

I'm really worried about my ds's transition in September. He's struggling with anxiety and phases of school refusal in his primary school, I honestly don't know how we will get him to secondary ☹️

Most children are fine but you are reasonable to think of it as a significant change. Just try not to transfer your worry to him if you can.

My kind gentle y8 did just fine, against all our expectations. The nice kids gravitate towards each other, the trouble makers towards each other. No mixing other than in classes and on the bus where the driver keeps an eye on things. He quickly worked out where the “spirited” ones hang out at break/lunch and doesn’t go there. Once we’re back to normal times, there will be lots of activities at lunch times. DS enjoyed going to clubs he had no interest in really, for something to do. An art drop in club at primary would have been a punishment, at secondary, he loves it. Same with maths club! Don’t worry, it will be fine!

I thought this about my now 16 Yr old boy, nerdy, quiet, too sweet for his own good, also has mild autism and is ginger.
I worried something awful for months b4 he started.
He flourished though, became one of the most popular kids and has a great large group of friends.
Try not to worry, im sure he will be ok and find a group of lovely like minded kids to be friends with

I had the same worries, but in reality your son represents the vast majority of new starters. There is always a handful of trouble makes,.

I feel there is absolutely nothing I can do to help and feel so sad that my confident, happy child is about to be torn to shreds. Either by other students or by the teachers

Why is this a given?

If she’s joining a MAT where there are strictly enforced behaviour expectations and she’s a good kid, she’ll be fine.

I would also take “kids are in isolation every two minutes but the behaviour issues are notorious” with a bucket of salt.

What does the ofsted report say in the safeguarding section? How are the results (there’s a definite link between results and behaviour)? What does ofsted say about teaching and learning?

Start there - then discuss any concerning parts of the report with someone at the school.

The school I work at is in an incredibly tough area and was hoiked out of years of “inadequate” to now being “Good”. We’re strict - I have absolute zero tolerance for anyone interfering with learning in my classroom; bullying is squashed as fast as possible; our uniform is strict (although somewhat relaxed now to ease pressure on parents) - but we’re also warm and relational and we have, in general, a very happy school.

My son will only be going into year 6 this Sept. But as I have been thinking about what secondary schools I will be putting him down for this has caused me some similar anxiety OP.

Don't get me wrong, he is not the perfect child & he acts up like any kid does but he is very kind hearted 99.9% of the time, he is an old soul & he is sensitive, he isn't like a lot of the other rough & tumble boys I see in his year. He is well liked by the whole class from what his teachers say & gets along with child or adult but I do worry that this will leave the door open for possibly being a bit of a target in secondary school. I worry that as he is so considerate of others that he will not know how to handle a situation if he is required to stick up for himself or just the thought honestly of someone saying something nasty to him breaks my heart. I was never that child, sadly for my parents I was always a bit of a mouthy nightmare growing up, never a bully I must say but I knew how to handle myself growing up. My DS is the complete opposite of what I was & we are currently going through the process of having him assessed for ASD which I guess adds to my anxiety.

I think everyone worries in this situation.

It's worth remembering though that there are good and bad in every school. I went to the best grammar school locally - there were some real little shits. My friend's children are at a local private school with a very good name and an exceptional record - they are being bullied.

Children find their feet. They find other children who are like minded. I was worried to death when my son went to secondary school but he found a lovely little group of mates and they are all still very close friends a number of years after leaving school.

SmileEachDay, thank you. I will have to have a look at the Ofsted report. I confess I never have as I absolutely despise Ofsted, even more so since they tried to carry on inspections with Covid until they were told how ridiculous that was. Don’t want to derail the thread though.

Well the school is in my local town and I see lots of the behaviour in question. The kids are frankly terrifying at times and the local shopkeepers are now trying to get local police involved.

According to the local gossip the school is overly strict. Uniform is very, very strict which is another thing I hate as she will be going from a primary which really doesn’t care about uniform. Results are good to be fair.

She’s a good kid but is very confident. She does very well at school and had lots of friends. I am really worried that she will go to secondary thinking she is amazing but then she will be in for a massive fall from grace when she is in a class with no friends and horrible teacher . It is renowned for it’s strictness, the primary school teachers themselves tell parents it is very strict.

Has lots of friends.

As a parent who's son was very sensitive and not your typical lad, some of my relatives had similar worries. I didn't, as I worked as a TA and seen for myself. I can absolutely guarantee you the older kids will not be the slightest bit interested in the younger ones.

I encouraged the transition by being positive about the new school. Kids will pick up on parents' fears when really this should be an exciting time.

I've worked in some inner city tough schools and 'naice' ones in the suburbs. Honestly it makes no difference. It's wonderful how much more accepting young people are compared to years ago.

I did worry about my DS (now Yr10) as he was a bit nerdy, friends with most people but a non footballer so break times meant he was with his nerdy friends. He has found even more nerdy friends at secondary, boys and girls. But does still get on with all kids. The most bother he has had has been a couple of boys from his own year rather than older kids. One thing to remember is though, due to the virus most schools have the kids spending break and lunches within only their own year groups to stop spreading anything around the bubbles. But obviously don't know how long this will last, but doubt it will be soon.

thank you. I will have to have a look at the Ofsted report. I confess I never have as I absolutely despise Ofsted, even more so since they tried to carry on inspections with Covid until they were told how ridiculous that was

Oh god me too. However, the safeguarding and T&L sections can help give an overall “feel”. It’s somewhere to start.

The kids are frankly terrifying - these will be the ones you notice. I could tell you which 10 kids in each year group at my school would get noticed. There are over a thousand in total.

She’s a good kid but is very confident. She does very well at school and had lots of friends. I am really worried that she will go to secondary thinking she is amazing but then she will be in for a massive fall from grace when she is in a class with no friends and horrible teacher sad. It is renowned for it’s strictness, the primary school teachers themselves tell parents it is very strict

Strict doesn’t necessarily mean horrible. I think if you asked most of the kids I teach if I was strict, they’d say yes. Would they say I’m horrible? Probably not - we spend a lot of time smiling so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t know the school your girl is going to - but she sounds ace and as though she’ll be fine. Try to reframe “strict” as “firm boundaries”. Children actually really like firm boundaries. As they become teens. They need to know that the thing they did wrong yesterday is still wrong today - otherwise the world feels slippery and dangerous.

(Disclaimer- I could be talking bollocks about your school - but that’s just my experience of schools that get a rep for being “strict”)

That’s really helpful actually thank you. I think maybe trying to reframe the whole thing will be helpful for my sanity if nothing else .

Another secondary teacher here. As others have said, there are loads of lovely children at every secondary school. Yes, there may be a handful of horrors, but they really are the minority. There’s no way I’d have stayed in the job for two decades (argh, just worked that out - that’s a scary realisation!) if the children weren’t overwhelmingly friendly, polite and keen to learn.

Nice quiet calm nerdy kids tend to find other nice quiet calm nerdy kids, OP. Try not to worry. Every school has kids who are ‘alpha’, every school has kids who are not nice nature’s etc etc but there will always be a tribe for the geeky ones.

My eldest is super geeky and on the autistic spectrum and has the loveliest group of like mindedly geeky friends from his secondary school.

Yes, there were groups of kids who took the piss out of them. But frankly none of them cared - there were enough of them in their geek gang that it really didn’t matter.

natured