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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry DS might be too nice for secondary school and to worry a bit?

74 replies

PasstheBucket89 · 27/03/2021 15:35

My DS is due upto Secondary school in September, having a bit of a wibbble.
this isnt like a horrible stealth boast, he can be a surly nightmare like any preteen,
But he is genuinely a nice kid, quiet, introverted, nerdy in the nicest sense of the word, has a small select social circle. i suppose with that temperament he'll either suffer bullying or find his people! ive observed its sometimes harder to be a "nice lad" in male teen social circles. its not right but something ive noticed.
and im a bit daunted that when he leaves the fairly comfortable bubble of primary, he will get a shock at Secondary as in terms of everything really you are far more left to your own devices, and being thrown in with much older children.
Hes actually said he doesn't think its right 11 yr olds are thrown in with 16 yr olds and why don't we have more middle schools, so i dunno, i hope hes not picking up on my worry, or worried himself.
AIBU to worry??

OP posts:

Daphnise · 27/03/2021 18:27

Your fussing and worrying will only make things worse- what else will you soon be seeking to protect him from- school sport in case the others are "too rough", being told off by a teacher who must therefore be a bully, etc etc.?
Just leave him to find his own level- and for goodness sake don't be up at the school helicpotering every five minutes with complaints and issues- the quickest way to single him out as a sissy.

Helenluvsrob · 27/03/2021 18:30

It’s a big step into the unknown but to a big school where he is actually has a as chance of finding his tribe of fellow nerds !

GreenBalaclava · 27/03/2021 18:32

I'm another parent of a quiet, well behaved, "nerdy" boy from a small lovely primary, and he has been absolutely fine at secondary. I hope your worries are unfounded

SmileEachDay · 27/03/2021 18:37

the quickest way to single him out as a sissy

This is unhelpful.

Roselilly36 · 27/03/2021 18:38

Try not too worry, you’re DS will be fine OP. It’s a big change I know, but he will soon make friends.

LolaSmiles · 27/03/2021 20:10

Just leave him to find his own level- and for goodness sake don't be up at the school helicpotering every five minutes with complaints and issues- the quickest way to single him out as a sissy.
Whilst the overall suggestion to allow DC to find his own feet at secondary is a good one, there's no need to be quite so unpleasant about him standing out like a 'sissy'.

Other kids won't know if his mum calls up every 5 seconds. Staff will quickly learn to keep an eye for the parent who calls up each time a child in the class breathes in the wrong direction, but the students won't know because Year 7 pastoral teams know how to manage that sort of situation.

Original poster

PasstheBucket89 · 28/03/2021 21:45

@Daphnise, thats an odd comment
I don't want to be up there every 5 mins, i want him to settle in well, ive never been that parent before don't intend to start now.

OP posts:

Flowers24 · 28/03/2021 21:50

Every single parent pretty much thinks this , he will be ok!

Ruple · 28/03/2021 21:51

My DS (now in year 9) is exactly the same and I had the very same concerns as you. I'm pleased to report that he has found a group of like-minded friends and is very happy with no trouble. It did take a while though, year 7 is a bumpy year finding their place as primary groups tend to stick together for a bit, by year 8 real friendships start forming in our experience.

I know it's normal for us to worry but please try not to. He will work it all out. The advice I gave my DS was to not discount anyone as a potential friend just because they seem different from him, treat everyone the same and it worked well for him. He isn't the most confident though so I did worry.

LockdownCheeseToastie · 28/03/2021 21:57

Bigger pool of kids, more likely to find their people. And I say that as a parent to shy, geeky, kind, uncool teenagers. Year 11 are much less of an issue than year 9, the year of hormones, with girls who could pass for 21 and boys who could pass for 8 but the smell after a lesson is like nothing else on earth.

FairfaxHigh · 28/03/2021 22:55

Reassuring to read so many positive experiences. DS moves to secondary in September. He's always had a close group of friends at primary, is generally easy going and gets along with other kids in most situations but probably is a bit quieter and definitely less sporty than lots of his peers.

The reason I've been worrying is that there are only three children from his primary going to the same school, and he's the only boy. He does know one other boy from a hobby but that's it. We always knew there'd be a split in his group as a couple had a different school for first choice, but some other friends were hoping to go to the same school however they didn't get in I know everyone says they always end up in different classes/making new friends (and to be fair apart from one primary friend who was in the same form as me that was my experience too) but I just thought it would help to have someone to get the bus with, familiar face for transition days etc.

DS actually seems ok about it so am trying really hard not to project. Know how lucky we are to have got this school and feel ungrateful stressing when others haven't been so fortunate in terms of allocation but he's my pfb and I do worry.

TheMoth · 28/03/2021 22:58

My main concerns are:
that no one with kids who've been or are at the school has a good word to say about it,
That the kids causing mayhem in our local area go there,
That ds may bump into said kids if he calls for his mates after school. I'd actually rather he stayed holed up on his xbox than run the gauntlet. He's under the radar in primary.

user127820 · 29/03/2021 02:31

The nice kids tend to fall in with other nice kids fairly quickly. In a bigger school, there will be other boys like your DS. They tend to settle into groups of children with similar personalities, and being in a friendship group often protects against bullying (because bullies pick on the isolated kids).

Emeraldshamrock · 29/03/2021 02:41

My DD is the same starting September it is a worrying time, plus the school is a bit rough. I went there I was tougher.
In saying that there's many in her school with similar interests all quite naive so I'm going to think positive. 😱
You're not alone.

Crazycakelady17 · 29/03/2021 02:55

I think the quiet kids generally find there people and do well, my boys 19 and 16 moved schools a lot due to DH ex forces so they were used to mixing and making new friends ds1 very quiet but confident and clever but they with a hidden disability that really controls a lot of his life he did fantastic In all the 5 high schools we went to leaving with amazing results and life long friends he still travels (when allowed) to see. Ds2 16 very sporty and not academic class clown has a great group of friends he was lucky we were y8 when we settled here.
DD I’m worried about she’s only ever gone to two primary schools and she’s quiet has had the same small group of friends since we moved here but have found since moving into y6 bitchiness and drama she’s taken a step back from those friends and sticks with her best friend our neighbour who’s in y5 (same mixed class)
I’m hoping she will find her people as both my boys did but can’t help worrying she’s going up to the same amazing school the boys went to but without that friendship group I think I worry more now than I ever did I just expected the boys to get on with it and they did

Nat6999 · 29/03/2021 03:29

I had the same worries about my ds when he went to secondary school, like your ds he is quiet, well mannered, hard working & because of this stands out from the crowd. He had a very rough time, it took until he was in Y9 for him to make friends. He had come from a very small primary school of one class per year & there were only three other children who moved to the same school. He is also autistic which made things harder for him, he was badly bullied, I spent that much time at school in meetings I'm sure some of the staff thought I worked there. Most of ds friends are what they themselves call the weirdos, ds is gay & most of his friends identify as LGBTQ+, they have joined together after being outcasts in lower years. Ds is 17 now & in Y12, he had the chance to go to a different school for sixth form but chose to stay at his current school as he didn't want to start again as an outsider. The best tips I can give you are pick your ds up after school if you can, it reduces the opportunity for bullying, if any time you feel he is being bullied, get in touch with the pastoral manager for your ds year, that is what they are there for, be prepared for him to be shattered after school for at least the first term. If you do pick him up, use the time to have a chat to find out how he is settling in, help him sort his homework & pack his bag for the first couple of weeks then gradually back off & let him do it himself, have spares for everything like pens, basic pe kit, get him a sturdy backpack, comfy shoes, find somewhere in his bag for a couple of pounds for emergencies. Hopefully they will have transition & settling in days so he will know his form & timetable before the summer holidays.

Emeraldshamrock · 29/03/2021 04:00

@Nat6999 That is awful your poor DS.
I'm glad he found his people, what is it about teenagers that pick on any differences. It's pathetic and comes from their home life.

My DD is only 12 but part of the LGBT she is gothic and on the spectrum.
My friends boy is similar started 2years ago and loves it.
DD walks on tip toes with her head down.
I'll take her out if she suffers bullying

Nuitsdesetoiles · 29/03/2021 10:51

Thank you for all the positive stories they are very reassuring. Only 1 other boy from his year 6 class is going to the same school and he's not like DS, he's more loud and alpha and I worry he'll quickly abandon DS. However I'm probably overthinking it. It's good to know the nice kind quieter kids group together. There are going to be a few of them of a similar ilk after all!

Original poster

PasstheBucket89 · 29/03/2021 11:51

So sorry to hear of people suffering bullying, its a terrible thing, schools really should do more.

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 11:55

He won't be "thrown in" with 16 year olds. He'll pass them in the corridor but he won't so much as speak to them. Secondary schools stick to forms and classes and often even at lunch only way with their year group

B33Fr33 · 29/03/2021 11:57

Much like girls attending a school there will be an unfortunate lesson in how to avoid toxic male behaviour exhibited by teens trying it out. Year 7 are generally fairly well supervised by teachers etc. Hopefully this will give him time to make a trustworthy circle, as in my experience it is the more solitary boys in year 8 that seem to be particularly vulnerable to the worst behaviours of older teen boys and girls.

Emeraldshamrock · 29/03/2021 12:05

The secondary school DD is starting has an assigned 6th year helping out the first years it is a comfort. Ireland 6th year is last year in school

wingsandstrings · 29/03/2021 15:55

My DS has found secondary to be more forgiving than primary school. He was always the confident 'popular' type but some of his friends got a bit of a hard time in primary and that hasn't continued in secondary (big, mixed, state school). In fact the nerdy ones seem to be appreciated, there's a rubix cube genius in my DS's class and he is like a class hero, the boys bring in their cubes for him to sort out at break-time and they time him. Hopefully your DS will find that there is more room to be different in Secondary . . . . DS was talking approvingly the other day about a boy in the class who is out as gay and is 'doing some really cool tik toks with the girls, and everyone really likes him' - in primary school this boy would have had hassle.

Original poster

PasstheBucket89 · 29/03/2021 19:32

thats encouraging @wingsandstrings, sounds like a great school

in agreement with a PP, i had a difficult time in year 8 after falling out with someone.

OP posts:

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