To ask what you do when your kids don’t want to go out?

[FireBelliedToad]

Planned a bike ride, first long one of the year. About 3 hours, break for lunch. DD 9 is saying she’s not coming.
She injured her little finger yesterday (trapped in a door) and says she will not bike until it’s better.

I agree with the above; I wouldn't make her go on her bike if it hurt but I wouldn't let her disrupt everyone's day . You can do something else and plan the bike ride for next week. I almost never asked the DC whether they wanted to do something except in the context of asking for suggestions. If there was a plan afoot I would just say 'we are doing x or y'.

@powershowerforanhour

If it comes down to it, the process here is: lock front door. Get self and toddler ready. Throw outdoor clothes, hat, gloves and boots of refusenik older child out on the back door step. Bodily lift refusenik child out onto back step, get toddler out quickly, close and lock door, key in pocket. Point out that she's going to get very cold if she doesn't get togged up. Go and feed the cat with toddler whilst refusenik wails. Collect miserable refusenik who is now dressed and agrees to come on walk. But is DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BECAUSE IT IS BORING. Go on walk. Both children enjoy walk (mostly).

Yes because that isn’t abusive at all

I think it’s very disrespectful to insist she goes

Shutting finger in door sounds quite serious. Has her finger been checked out? I definitely wouldn’t make her go on a THREE HOUR bike ride! Gripping handlebars as the judder could be very bad for her injured finger.

I have some sympathy for her, unless you KNOW she is exaggerating?

If so then id just say thats fine but you won't be doing XYZ for the rest of the weekend. If your finger is too sore to come then its too sore to play the computer or whatever.

If

Bribery.
However this doesn't work with teens so I end up going out alone.

Say, ‘mm, yes, I was thinking about your finger - it will probably be best to stop for an ice cream after an hour, rather than waiting til lunchtime? And you are going to wear my special cycling gloves. Or just one glove on the poorly finger? Or would that look silly? Now can you remember where we put the helmets?

I'm interested in those people who say insisting a child does something is abusive or disrespectful.

My ds's default answer is no. If I took any notice we'd never go anywhere. Let's try swimming lessons - NO! Let's try PizzaExpress - NO! Let's go on holiday, have a birthday party, try karate lessons, learn to ride a bike, paint your room, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! 😁

He now does all of these things quite happily, is a confident enthusiastic swimmer, a brown belt in karate, and will eat his own body weight in pizza given the chance.

Maybe it's just us

But I do think in general offering a couple of choices is good for situations.

So ‘what would you like to do?’ - the honest answer might be ‘stay in and play on the computer’ but you want them to get fresh air.

So ‘would you like to go for a walk or a bike ride today?’ Or ‘would you like to go to the lake or the park?’

It’s surprisingly effective.

@FireBelliedToad

Planned a bike ride, first long one of the year. About 3 hours, break for lunch. DD 9 is saying she’s not coming. She injured her little finger yesterday (trapped in a door) and says she will not bike until it’s better.

I wouldnt allow a 9 year old to dictate what everyone else is doing. If there was another parent at home fine but no she isnt going to ruin the day for everyone .

The suggestion by Kingscotestaff seems very sensible.

Tell her that using the finger will help it heal more quickly. And say that you can cut the bike ride short if needed. Suggest going out for an hour or two instead of three. Make that first hour really fun and get her absorbed in stuff other than her finger. She'll probably forget about it if you are having fun. And if you're not having fun, go home.

mint that’s why yes/no answers aren’t always good but nor should children be dragged along (unless it’s say a visit to granny or aunt that’s prearranged.)

It is perfectly acceptable as a parent to say ‘we need fresh air and exercise.’ It is not so reasonable to insist this must be in the form of a three hour bike ride.

Depending on how bad the finger injury is I probably wouldn’t insist on a long bike ride. I mean if your finger hurts gripping the handlebars will be crap and sore. So I’d do something else active maybe. A walk. If no injury I would just insist usually. Bribe a little. Something small.

I think it depends on how often it occurs. If she is normally happy to come and do things but this one time she asking to stay home I would allow it. There's nothing worse then being dragged along with something you don't want to do. She has just as much right not feel up to it as any one else in the family. Also two of my children have trapped fingers in doors and it is actually really painful for a long time after. Let her have some down time. Find something to do at home instead. Some times I think we are too dismissive of children's feelings and making them do things because we are the adults.

I’d change the plans as it’s not urgent or a necessity. Being forced into doing something you don’t want to do isn’t nice.

If I was listening to my children, we would go absolutely nowhere, ever and spent our days on the sofa with ipads.

@Soubriquet

Why don’t you change your plans and go for a walk instead of a bike ride

That way it won’t bother her finger

This, plus we have a rule of go out first, games on devices later. Concentrates the mind I find. My 9 year old has SEN and we have just got him going out for longer periods after a spell of bad anxiety so we aren't giving up on that.

(Plus bribery).

We're pretty strict and have dragged a whiny, mulish child on many an outdoor walk/ cycle. But there was an occasion last year when dd, who is our chief tantrum thrower, refused to go on a bike ride. We'd got her out, helmet on, tears flowing.... and she just sat. Immobile. And I realised there was absolutely nothing, fuck all, I could do to make her pedal if she didn't want to.

We even tried pretending to all cycle off, but she was far too wise for that. I ended up going with ds and leaving her with dh (her non preferred parent), but I was furious with her for basically holding us all to ransom.

She can’t help being 9, moth!

Is her finger very painful ? I cut my finger a few weeks ago and don't ride for a few days to let it heal. A walk might be better.

I suggested a bike ride and picnic today. Dd 7 was not keen till I said the icecream van might be there....

It also depends if this is a continuous thing. They do need to get out and constantly refusing to do anything is not healthy.

Maybe she was furious with you for keeping making her do something she didn’t enjoy?

With a 9 year old this shouldn't even be a question! If you want to take her out, then take her out. Be the parent.

At 9, just tell them they're going.

At 14 & 16, it's a lot harder to get your kids out of bed to go on a family walk or a bike ride!