AIBU to wonder if this will damage my children?

[PeapodBurgundy]

Inspired by two other threads, I'm pondering what things your parents thought were acceptable, which have upset you as a child or retrospectively as an adult.

Mainly people talking about hand me downs. I will spend what I need to in order to get the product I want. I often buy clothes for the entire family from Facebook or the charity shop, as it means I can get good quality clothes for Primark prices. (Nothing against Primark, but they're not renowned for their quality, and the fit is poor on two out of four of our household). I'll also buy toys and furniture second hand if I can find what I want for the same reasons. We live on a council estate which is adjacent to two affluent areas of our town, so the two charity shops in the village are filled with premium products for a fraction of their original price, and often in as new condition.

I don't think my children look tatty (aside from general muck/messy hair they pick up playing outside etc). They always look smart for school, and for parties, visits, outings etc (outside of COVID). They have a good range of quality toys which they enjoy playing with.

A large portion of our things are second hand (at least, as I keep anything that belonged to DS that I think will come in for DD), but my logic is, that this leaves money spare for treats, and to put some back in their savings account. If they see something new which they ask for, they get it within reason (yes to craft stuff/bubbles/play dough etc, bigger bits bought when they're not looking and stashed for birthdays/Christmas etc).

I'm now wondering if they're going to grow up feeling resentful and like I was short changing them in some way. We're far from loaded by any stretch, but we're fortunate that we can buy new if needs be.

Can anyone offer any insight or opinions? Are there things which distressed you as a child which you never do as a parent now?

I have no idea if our toys and clothes were more when I was a child. I suspect not as my parents had very little money. I know my brother wore my cousins hand me downs but only because I remember one specific jumper which he loved which was a hand me down. But I don't think kids really notice that sort of thing, I might be wrong.

I guess everything we do affects our kids, in one way or another. But having more/nicer items and being able to spend more on other things just seems like a no brainer to me.

Also, I think buying second hand is a lot more common and socially acceptable than it ever has been in the past. Previously it would have been mainly hand me downs from friends and family. With Facebook marketplace and Ebay, everyone is buying from people all over the country and its often a matter of pride to say that someone got a lovely item for a bargain I n ebay/Facebook.

Sorry that first sentence should say new, not more. That'll teach me to type at 3am!

It depends how you are as a person. I think there’s 2 ways of looking at it:

1. buying clothes from the charity shops, making it a big deal, stating you don’t have the money for x,y,z making them share a treat etc
2. buying clothes from the charity shop and look how amazing these clothes are. This means we can have x treat and you both get an ice cream and we can afford this holiday isn’t that amazing

My parents fall into the first and it always made me feel ashamed. I had hand me down clothes and if we couldn’t have something it was about money. We weren’t on the breadline my parents are very middle class. They are like it now even though they are comfortable.

Guess what I’m trying to say is it isn’t about the clothes or toys but your attitude to the situation. Of course some things are about money but somethings aren’t.

I agree that it’s your attitude that matters.
My daughter dresses well, wears clothes from reputable shops and the likes and that’s because I buy a lot of her clothes from Facebook or eBay.
What we always do is also give her some money close to her birthday and Christmas just so she can also have the new cloth shopping experience and buy some clothes so she really does not feel like the other second hand items is due to us having a limited budget for clothes.
She feels it’s recycling and saving the planet from waste and also a way to get a lot more clothes at once.
She understands that we still pay for the second hand clothes anyway, it’s just a bargain.

I think this is an emotive issue. I don’t buy as much for my DS because I buy classic clothes with growing room, and so I prefer to buy clothes made from proper materials that are new. I will also let him wear things that are technically too small in length- eg footless pyjamas as rompers, 3/4 sleeve jumpers.

My siblings want clothes to fit exactly and so are constantly buying. If they bought new every time then they’d probably go bankrupt.

Thanks for the daft o clock replies

They don't need to share treats, and although we do talk about money because I want them to understand the value of it, I've never passed comment on the cost of necessities to them. The only time we have the 'too much money' kind of conversations is when they're after (for example) a £40 toy that they spotted in the shop for no particular reason. Yesterday they both chose new lightweight jackets and sandles with the weather getting milder, I ordered the ones they wanted so they do still get choices over what they wear.

I agree with the 'too small' clothes thing. I've kept a lot of DD's dresses which she now wears with leggings/jeggings instead of tights so they're like tunics instead.

We're well kitted out for things, as there's a 2.5 year age gap between her and DS, so just as he's outgrowing toys/games/books, she's growing into them, so there's not much she needs. She's getting the benefit of more expensive toys etc than DS did, for example I've just paid the first installment on two pikler triangles and a ramp for her birthday in August. Things like that simply wouldn't happen on our budget if I was buying new from the likes of Jo Jo Maman Bebe, Frugi etc yet most of their clothes are still from there.

They don't seem to care where they get things from at the moment, but thye're 2.5 and just turned 5, so I wouldn't expect them to even notice yet to be honest.

At the age he r they're at now they won't know or notice. When older they do and I know my teen would now be mortified at possibly wearing something a friend's parent had sent to charity yet his younger sibling loves getting his next bag of hand me downs from a friend and sees it as a bonus. I should say the older teen gets anything branded as a gift - so he hopefully knows the value of his more expensive items. I want to go o your charity shops. They sound fabulous!

@MrsBDarcy they really are treasure troves! There's been an immaculate two storey wooden dolls house, complete with figures and furniture in the window of one of them for this entire lockdown, priced at £15. I'm wondering how many people will be wandering down after it once the shop re-opens. I have visions of some kind of Black Friday style fights over it Evidently I've been in the house for too long

If they start being bothered by second hand, I'll stop buying it for them, simple as. I was more wondering about retrospective annoyance at it. I grew up in second hand, but I loved it. I have such fond memories of going around charity shops bargain hunting with my late Nana. I still thrive on a bargain now

We could afford to buy new but I try to buy most things (especially clothes) secondhand. I hope that in the future that will become more normal and our kids will look on it positively. Buying new stuff all the time has a huge environmental cost and I think the next generation is likely to care a lot more about that.

I definitely don’t have fond memories of the second hand items and money from my childhood but it sounds like you are doing everything right OP.

Teaching them the value of money with the right attitude 🙂

We used to be told, "We can't afford that," quite often. I think it did us good, not harm, as it meant we understood that you can't just have anything you want. At university, I shared a house with four others, one of whom had had a similar upbringing, the others had not. She and I were noticeability better at handling money. (I'm sure you can teach kids to handle money while buying them all the stuff, but I suspect it's pretty difficult.)

We had all the necessities of life, and plenty of toys and books so we weren't hard done by. I think most of our clothes were secondhand and I don't think we cared at all (until we were mid-teens, IIRC).

It's quite often a background thing. If you're comfortable then getting a bargain/going second hand can be a point of pride, if you're struggling going second hand isn't a choice but a necessity and not a decision you can "own" IYSWIM.

You’re talking about such young children it will literally make
No difference to them whether clothes are new or second hand. You will have issues as they grow up only because sourcing good quality second hand clothes for a 9yr old is a lot harder (there’s loads of good quality second hand toddler clothes for sale). I’d prob buy new from Asda/ primark at that point.

I’ve bought ds second-hand clothes from shops and eBay and toys

I think what is being talked about on the other thread is clothes very much looking like hand me downs, too big, patches, obvious alterations (often a few)

There wasn’t the abundance of clothing that there is now and often second hand clothes looked second or third hand

Ds has been used to me not having money for years now I more comfortable he often asks can we afford that which is good he is thoughtful around spending

I love a good charity shop rummage and finding bargain clothes, not shy on sharing where I get my bargains either :)

Small kids clothes from charity shops /Facebook mean good quality brands at really affordable prices and we donate back as well as they are still in good nick.

All 3 DCs are happy with shopping 2nd hand and one of mine and oldest DCs favourite days out last year was a charity shop trail where we found a number of bargains!

Going to the charity shops for books or small toys when they were little was a looked for treat and now they are teenagers they are still happy with it as it fits their day to day budget

2nd hand shopping has allowed me to get solid wood furniture for chip board prices - what's not to love?

It's quite often a background thing.

This. I fucking love a charity shop/Marketplace bargain, will pick up things that neighbours have put out on the street. Bitterly regret (well, maybe that's overegging it...) DDs's pram new. I also tgaf if DD goes to nursery with holey trousers etc, I think it's sensible. I grew up in a comfortable/wealthy MC family abroad.

DH grew up in absolute poverty in the former USSR, shared a bed (!) with his brother until he was 14 and the brother was 18 and went to the army. No money at all, he was sent off to uni with a sack of potatoes to see him through the term etc. Real hardship. We now have a very high household income and when he's left to buy something for DD the criteria is something like, "Is it sold on Hampstead High Street?" (i.e. is it desirable for wealthy people). Likewise doesn't understand why I shop at Aldi instead of ordering in Ocado.

But, yes, when the DC are older I imagine they'll want more input into clothes/toys and the days of grabbing an Ikea bag full of mystery items will be sadly behind us.

I think that by the time children start to care they are older and the pickings in charity shops diminish anyway because older children tend not to grow out of clothes so quickly, they fall apart instead.

I think my dc are less picky about clothes and less interested in shopping for them because it is not something they have been brought up to do. They will still just say 'oh I need some more tops' and expect suitable ones to appear (new now). Lockdown probably hasn't helped with that. I am going to make my 16yr old go shopping with friends for 6th form wardrobe though.

We were very lucky in earlier and poorer days to have bags of hand me downs. I still remember their excitement of getting big bags of clothes that they would rummage through. We always gave them the choice of what to keep and what to pass on.

I don’t get why this would ever be an issue.

My teens are environmentally conscious and definitely wouldn’t be ‘mortified’ by second hand items.

One of my dc loves a label but it doesn’t matter a joy to her if it’s second hand.

I think putting children in clothes that are too small (“3/4 length sleeves”? Really?) is setting them up to be picked on.

However, now it is positively encouraged to do things that will help the environment, and buying second hand is a more sustainable way of shopping, so children will be more accepting of charity shop buys etc.

My parents were poor and I remember getting one brand new top. It had a “new” smell that I’d never smelled before and we talked about how lovely that was. I was absolutely delighted to receive big bags of clothes from my older cousin, though.

We are very comfortably off, but I shop second hand, in charity shops, Facebook market place has kitted out half our house! The money saved means we have less environmental impact and we can use that money for holidays and days out - my DC wouldn't know the difference

In our town growing up there were a lot of hand me downs. When we were little it was usually from neighbours but as we got older we all started recognizing our clothes on others, so it got mentioned, so it stopped. A few times in my teens though a woman who lived in the country and worked with my mother in the town gave me a couple of bags of her daughters old clothes and I was delighted. Charity shops still had quite a stigma attached to them back then and it was mainly for old people. I love them now though, I rarely buy new clothes and I get good quality clothes for very little . It really only affected me slightly in my teen years but I soon got over it once i got a job and had to buy my own clothes. Currently expecting my first baby and I'll be getting as much second hand stuff as i can

'damage' your children??

Things that damage children:

• abuse
• poverty
• parental neglect
• violence
• hunger
• bullying
• being prevented from learning

Things that don't damage children:

• getting nice toys/clothes secondhand

My children had plenty of secondhand stuff. When teens they chose to buy vintage jeans rather than new to save £30 for something else.

I live in a very affluent town and everyone I know tries to buy second hand rather than new because of ecological concerns. I thought it was sort of frowned upon to buy a lot of new toys / clothes now? Definitely no stigma anymore.

@blinkboo

I live in a very affluent town and everyone I know tries to buy second hand rather than new because of ecological concerns. I thought it was sort of frowned upon to buy a lot of new toys / clothes now? Definitely no stigma anymore.

Yes absolutely, I do visible mending too as it shows my metropolitan liberal elite credentials off very well

Growing up much of what we had was second hand. I don't remember resenting it at all.
The two things with clothes I do remember was being told I had to have a boy's coat in blue because it needed to be passed down to my brother. I really wanted the pink one with fur round the hood.
Just to add to that dsis (older than me) then was told she had to have the coat she wanted in red so when it passed down to me I got some compensation for having to have a blue coat. She wanted a blue coat.
Dsis and dbro were hard on clothes which was why passing between them didn't work.

The other one I remember was coming home to find that my only tracksuit had been shortened and given to dbro. It still fitted me and he went through the knee it 2 weeks, but he apparently desperately needed a tracksuit that day and mine was the only possible one.

What I did resent was rarely being able to choose my clothes. Because if new clothes were bought, then were nearly always for dsis and then they'd often be her taste(and we were very different in taste) and very grotty by the time I got them. I think that's probably why I minded the coat so much, I thought I was finally able to choose one for myself and was told what I had to get.

However when the children were small I always bought from charity shops. They never said anything to show they minded, but as they got older sometimes I would give them a choice of looking in the charity shops first to see if we could get what they wanted or going straight to a new shop.
They normally chose to check the charity shops, and would be delighted if they found it.
Once they got to about 10yo fir the girls and 5yo for ds, there was much less choice though, so typically they've had new from that age.