Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if this will damage my children?

56 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 27/03/2021 02:58

Inspired by two other threads, I'm pondering what things your parents thought were acceptable, which have upset you as a child or retrospectively as an adult.

Mainly people talking about hand me downs. I will spend what I need to in order to get the product I want. I often buy clothes for the entire family from Facebook or the charity shop, as it means I can get good quality clothes for Primark prices. (Nothing against Primark, but they're not renowned for their quality, and the fit is poor on two out of four of our household). I'll also buy toys and furniture second hand if I can find what I want for the same reasons. We live on a council estate which is adjacent to two affluent areas of our town, so the two charity shops in the village are filled with premium products for a fraction of their original price, and often in as new condition.

I don't think my children look tatty (aside from general muck/messy hair they pick up playing outside etc). They always look smart for school, and for parties, visits, outings etc (outside of COVID). They have a good range of quality toys which they enjoy playing with.

A large portion of our things are second hand (at least, as I keep anything that belonged to DS that I think will come in for DD), but my logic is, that this leaves money spare for treats, and to put some back in their savings account. If they see something new which they ask for, they get it within reason (yes to craft stuff/bubbles/play dough etc, bigger bits bought when they're not looking and stashed for birthdays/Christmas etc).

I'm now wondering if they're going to grow up feeling resentful and like I was short changing them in some way. We're far from loaded by any stretch, but we're fortunate that we can buy new if needs be.

Can anyone offer any insight or opinions? Are there things which distressed you as a child which you never do as a parent now?

OP posts:
ElephantsNest · 27/03/2021 07:34

Textile waste is a scourge on the planet so I would say that buying cheap clothing that is designed to be worn once or twice and then thrown away is more likely to make children feel resentful when they grow up.

Sansaplans · 27/03/2021 07:37

No not at all! I always have second hand/hand me downs and my mum was often sewing clothes when they ripped or whatever, it's perhaps influenced my slightly strange to some sense of style, but never felt damaged by it at all! I think especially now second hand is so much better for the environment. I did find it a bit harder when a teen, and did use any money I had on new clothes mainly due to peer pressure.

Nsky · 27/03/2021 07:41

I had hand me down stuff, less as I got older being the only girl amongst three brothers.
My sons had pretty much new ( never went in charity shops then) back late 80s early 90s.
I do more eBay these days and tend to, largely due to cost ( tho I can afford new), and have done fir the past 20 yrs

mummylovesthesunshine · 27/03/2021 07:41

They will be fine

Hardbackwriter · 27/03/2021 07:51

I think the honest truth is that they might grow up and say 'and mum never bought us new clothes when we were little, even though we could easily have afforded it!', they might grow up and say 'oh I never buy new - mum taught me really well on that, it's such a waste of money you could use better elsewhere', they might grow up and never think of where their childhood clothes came from. If they do grow up and complain about it but it's their biggest complaint about your parenting you'll have done very, very well.

I've noticed this a lot on MN - people have complaints about how they were parented in some ways (which is normal and natural) but I think there's a subconscious assumption that our children won't. They will - no matter how hard we're trying, we won't raise the first generation with no hang ups from their childhoods. And so much of it, like this, you can't even predict because different people feel differently about the same things that occurred in your childhood. You see it with the bigger stuff, too - I've seen working mothers saying how their children will grow up knowing they're a great role model and worked hard for them, I've seen SAHM mothers saying that their children will be so glad that they were always around, and in both cases it's often based on their own childhood experience of the opposite. But I've known adults who resent their mothers for working, and ones who despise them for not, and I'm not sure how predictable which of those you get, so I think your expectations of their feelings on the matter later is a silly basis to make that decision on.

Something you do will give your children a weird hang-up, because literally everyone has weird hang-ups from their childhood. If it's just about secondhand clothes that's pretty fantastic but in any case all you can do is make the decisions that seem best to you at the time (and spending less on clothes to have more money on other things seems like a great decision to me, but then I do the same!).

Whoopsies · 27/03/2021 07:53

I love charity shops! My children think of things we get in the charity shop as bonus items. For example I got my ds a nerf gun from there for his 7th birthday. It worked perfectly but could tell it was second hand, but he understood that he wouldn't have got the equivalent brand new so it was a bonus to have been given it at all. As he gets older I tend to buy him clothes new so he can help pick them. He cares about how he looks more these days, but he's equally happy with hand me downs for pjs and garden clothes etc. The one year old is currently in entirely hand me downs all the time as a school mum passed on 3 kids worth of clothes so I haven't needed to buy him anything for months!

IamMaz · 27/03/2021 08:00

We didn't have a lot of money when I was a child. I was brought up wearing my brother's outgrown clothes!!! My mother was very frugal. It was just our way of life and didn't bother me at all. I think it has resulted in me being economical in my adult life. Probably not a bad thing.

Oneweekleft · 27/03/2021 08:03

It sounds fine what you are doing. But i would only shop 3/4 times a year and dont walk with your kids around shops (when they are open again) and say you cant have this or that. I avoid shopping with kids so i dont have to say no to them. If you dont take them in the shops they dont know what their missing. I get lots of my kids clothes cheap or second hand but maybe get a few key pieces each they like which are more fashionable. Or things like coats or shoes that they will wear on a daily basis i'll spend a bit more on. My kids are not bothered about brands or labels, neither are my husband and I or their grandparents. I think its more what your family priorities are. It makes sense to me to save money for experiences they will value than clothing which theyll outgrow quickly.

BonnieDundee · 27/03/2021 08:05

I wore.hand me downs from a relative and so did my DC. I.actually have fond memories of bags of "new" clothes arriving

whiteroseredrose · 27/03/2021 08:09

I don't think it would damage your children in the slightest. And it's really good for the environment.

As a friendship group we always passed clothes around as the DC grew. My DD loved getting my friend's daughter's clothes. Even eyed some coats up while friend's daughter was still wearing them! Lots of Mini Boden ebay purchases too as they last forever.

DD is nearly 18 and still sources a lot of her clothes second hand and takes a pride in it.

The impact of eg fast fashion on the environment is becoming more well known. Your DC will be proud that you were an early adopter!

Lasttraintolondon · 27/03/2021 08:18

I agree with other posters - I can afford first hand but would always look to get second hand because of the environmental cost of new clothes. I would hope when the kids are grown up they'd be proud of me for that.

FlyingBurrito · 27/03/2021 08:21

@Hardbackwriter 's post is spot on

No one can possibly tell you what your children will think or feel in the future. I and me children couldnt give a stuff if something is second hand but there are equally huge numbers of other people who are horrified at the thought.

Don't rethink it or make a massive issue of it and maybe they won't care either.

georgarina · 27/03/2021 08:28

Depends how you frame it - if you see it as a fun afternoon looking through all the second hand clothes then it's fine. And as long as they have what they need, and they're not uncomfortable or picked on, it's all good.

My exDP was from a very comfortable family and they all shopped at thrift shops/markets, it was considered tasteful to have things that were a bit aged and weathered.

I on the other hand was from a very neglectful home and we didn't have food or clothes. It wasn't a thrift shop/money issue, it was a lack of basic care. It also didn't help that I was on scholarship at a private school so very much stuck out. That WAS damaging, but it was because I didn't have what I needed.

As long as the clothes are clean and look nice, and DC don't feel or look deprived, that's all that matters.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/03/2021 08:29

My younger sister hated had me downs and second hand clothes and it caused many issues for them in their teens. She felt not good enough to have anything new or the latest trends like peers.

Are there things which distressed you as a child which you never do as a parent now

I’ve parented very different from how I was raised so yes there are many things I would never do as a parent.

EthelMerman · 27/03/2021 08:30

We wore second hand clothes and hand-me downs as kids, don’t think it bothered us. What did bother us more was the clothes mum occasionally made for us, especially the trousers with zips at the back. God I was picked on for those on a school field trip and in the playground at the park. It’s made DSis and I a bit more conscious of how we clothe our kids but not to the point where we spend money on stupidly expensive or designer clothes.

Would happily accept bags of clothes as my kids grew up. And then pass on the good stuff to others. But youngest is hard on his clothes and is bigger than his DB so hand me downs don’t happen now.

We used to have costume sales where I work, anything from worn quite a bit to brand new. I’d buy for myself and the teens, they were very happy as often it’s good quality stuff for not much money. Eldest now volunteers in a charity shop & will go back when they re-open.

An0n0n0n · 27/03/2021 08:33

We used to get second-hand, never bothered me as we never gave it any thought.

As an adult I'd be really defensive of anyone judging my parents for second-hand when they were doing their best for us.

womaninatightspot · 27/03/2021 08:39

I buy lots second hand too. Much better for the environment. Also do hand me downs. I buy basics new though so pants, vests, socks, tights. I spend money on properly fitted shoes. My twins like to match sometimes so they get matching coats.

DC like watersports so wetsuits get bought second hand too.

Paddy1234 · 27/03/2021 08:42

Have always bought second hand

Now virtually all clothes come from Depop - children both have there own shops on it and buy most of there outfits

Roonerspismed · 27/03/2021 08:44

I present this to my kids as an environmental issue rather than a monetary one.

We buy primarily second hand and have hand me downs so there is a planet left for our grand kids.

Poppercot · 27/03/2021 08:45

Certainly won’t damage them but definitely make the most of it now while they’re too young to notice or care.

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 27/03/2021 08:59

Thanks everyone. It seems as though it was a daft o clock worry over nothing. I don't doubt that they'll have an issue over something likely many things that I do. Hopefully they won't be too disturbed by my choices :-)

OP posts:
Forwhatitsworth101 · 27/03/2021 09:20

I’m interested this is something that might concern one... The joy I had when going to charity shops/car boot sales when younger! Much of what we had when growing up was second hand but then when visiting I used to buy so many books to read that I enjoyed! I literally read a book every few days (of course after finishing homework) as it was escapism for me. None of this smartphone/tablet/iPad like nowadays. I honestly fear for having children lol.

user1493494961 · 27/03/2021 09:32

I love a charity shop, can't wait for them to reopen.

Merryoldgoat · 27/03/2021 09:43

We are very comfortably off (in my opinion - not the MN-verse) and I buy lots of second hand bit and pieces - furniture and clothes. My younger has lived in lots of hand me downs.

I think the difficulties come if children look tatty and uncared for. I doubt they notice their furniture tbh.

Bbq1 · 27/03/2021 09:44

Knew somebody who had a son and daughter about 4 or 5 years apart in age. It was late Seventies, early Eighties. The poor boy would wear the girls hand me downs and I'm talking floral blouses, a navy swing coat with pleats and a belt and so on It was awful. I noticed as a child. The shocking thing was the family were affluent, parents both in top jobs and they lived in a huge house, having multiple holidays. Growing up, we were never short of new clothes but i used to enjoy scouring the charity shops with mum searching for a bargain and I still do occasionally.