AIBU to wonder if this will damage my children?

[PeapodBurgundy]

Inspired by two other threads, I'm pondering what things your parents thought were acceptable, which have upset you as a child or retrospectively as an adult.

Mainly people talking about hand me downs. I will spend what I need to in order to get the product I want. I often buy clothes for the entire family from Facebook or the charity shop, as it means I can get good quality clothes for Primark prices. (Nothing against Primark, but they're not renowned for their quality, and the fit is poor on two out of four of our household). I'll also buy toys and furniture second hand if I can find what I want for the same reasons. We live on a council estate which is adjacent to two affluent areas of our town, so the two charity shops in the village are filled with premium products for a fraction of their original price, and often in as new condition.

I don't think my children look tatty (aside from general muck/messy hair they pick up playing outside etc). They always look smart for school, and for parties, visits, outings etc (outside of COVID). They have a good range of quality toys which they enjoy playing with.

A large portion of our things are second hand (at least, as I keep anything that belonged to DS that I think will come in for DD), but my logic is, that this leaves money spare for treats, and to put some back in their savings account. If they see something new which they ask for, they get it within reason (yes to craft stuff/bubbles/play dough etc, bigger bits bought when they're not looking and stashed for birthdays/Christmas etc).

I'm now wondering if they're going to grow up feeling resentful and like I was short changing them in some way. We're far from loaded by any stretch, but we're fortunate that we can buy new if needs be.

Can anyone offer any insight or opinions? Are there things which distressed you as a child which you never do as a parent now?

There’s more to resentment than just the act of secondhand.

I don’t remember charity shops as a child (70s) - though can’t say if that was just our town. I do remember jumble sales though. No discreet environmentally friendly “hobby” looking through nicely laid out goods in an actual shop, with changing rooms. No - church halls with piled high (literally jumbled) trestle tables, and dad calling out, “Coco - come and see if this will fit” for others to hear as he held up a jumper.

Was I embarrassed by my jumble sale clothes at the time? Yes.

Am I resentful or long term damaged? No.

Perhaps I would have been if I’d known my parents were pissing away money on alcohol. They weren’t - we were just poor.

That has impacted me - for example, I like to have the “right” clothes for my children and me. Like proper walking boots, not wellies or trainers for a walk. Jumble sales mean making do with the best you can find, so often not quite the right item. Now I want the “proper” item - but am quite happy to have it second hand.

I think that eBay changed attitudes a lot. It became easy to buy so much second hand, and was marketed well - it was something to be proud of, getting a bargain.

Charity shops - have all the environmental kudos now.

It isn’t comparing like with like, to compare the use of the charity shops of our younger years with the use of them now.

That’s even before you get into individual child personalities - you could have twins where one layer has a chip on their shoulder about second hand, whilst the other cares not a fig!

Second hand =bargain op... I have many dc and hunting out bargains hasn't affected my now adult dc... We have great days out and camping holidays... As a teen dd refused to come in the charity shops but now isn't ashamed!! You are imo overthinking!!

My children wore hand me downs from friends quite a lot. It just so happened that some of my friends shopped in Laura Ashley/Next etc, so some of them were very good quality and did the rounds as we all had 2 or 3 children. I bought some clothes but really not that many, and they also got passed around. My children used to quite often say 'who's was this?' and enjoy hearing the provenance of the items. They were quite disappointed if it was from a boring old shop!
Probably only until they were 11 or 12 though, then we bought things for them bar the occasional hand me down.

I think your children will grow up feeling ok about having second hand clothing, if they look tidy and are not in clothes that are very far away from what everyone else wears.

I never buy the cheapest option, and am always always replacing clothing and toiletries to the point of hoarding for DD because our household never really had the toiletries we needed so always smelt unclean and were greasy.

I'm really weird about shoes too. I never used to have socks to wear, and got the cheapest school shoes, so within a week or two when they'd fallen apart I was back in my tatty reebok trainers which had holes where my sockless toenails had over time worn away at the toe of the trainer. How embarrassing it is remembering how bad things were. I spent all my time in those trainers. So I'm forever buying DD trainers at any sign of wear.

Honestly though, if your kids appear tidy, and they seem happy with their clothes, and you don't look and see they appear different to other children by their clothes, this will not affect them at all.

Might change a little as they reach teen years! But until then make all the savings you can.

I can still remember how excited I was twice a year when I used to get the delivery or a couple of black bags of my cousins old clothes. Trying them on and giving a fashion show, sometimes finding something slightly older so it was too small for me and being annoyed when my sister got it instead. There was this big REVERSIBLE jumper I coveted for ages and it was the best day ever when it was finally in the bags, I wore that thing constantly.

I wore hand me downs from my cousins. Honestly it never bothered me, maybe because they were fairly wealthy and so every 6 months or so I'd just get loads of basically free nice clothes! It was like Christmas. I loved it.

Id also get toys from them and instead of one set you'd get a whole collection which was great. So if I'd bought new I might have got say a bed for my dolls house, but instead I'd get the whole dolls house.

Maybe it was because my cousins had lots of nice things. I was the eldest so didn't hand me down from siblings, but my brother had lots of my old clothes. I wasn't very girly so I don't think he minded. And it was good because we got better clothes so they could be passed down.
As a teen I'd even steal my brothers old jumpers when he got bigger than me, I remember he went through a growth spurt and I stole his school shirts because I thought it looked cooler to wear baggy shirts rather than the girls blouses.

I thought second hand clothes shopping for teens was quite fashionable anyway with things like depop/vintage/remodelled classic levis etc.