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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP never comes to bed

57 replies

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 19:25

He pretty much sleeps on the sofa 99% of the time. I think it negatively affects our relationship, I feel like I’m on my own and no matter how many times I say anything it always goes back to the way it is. He says “well sorry I just pass out” and I think he’s a grown man and should be able to recognise he’s tired and make the decision to come to bed, even more so when it’s effecting me and us as a whole. Mumsnet thoughts?! Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

justthecat · 26/03/2021 19:27

What’s the backstory

Bagelsandbrie · 26/03/2021 19:28

Hmm. My dh is the same. He does eventually wake up and come up to bed about 2/3am. In the early days I used to feel like you but we’ve been together nearly 15 years now and I just accept that’s how he is - I actually like having the bed to myself now! It doesn’t mean we aren’t intimate - is that what’s bothering you?

littlepattilou · 26/03/2021 19:31

@usedandabusedx1000

Are you a huge snorer? Or is he?

Maybe he just hates sharing a bed with anyone, and hasn't got the heart to say.

Sharing a bed with another adult is pretty shit (if most people are honest about it,) for SOOOOO many reasons. (Snoring being the worst.)

Been sleeping in a separate room to DH for over 15 years now. I could never go back. We even book separate rooms when we book a holiday away. He loves it too. We get great sleep.

Maybe that's it. Maybe he hates sharing a bed.???

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 19:51

Is he awake much later than you?
I know of men who've done this it was usually to sit up watching porn or texting/sexting random women.
I hope not in your case.

But very strange that a partner only goes to bed with their loved one..1% of the time.

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 19:51

Unless you go to bed extremely early op..?

Original poster

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 19:52

Not sure any backstory is relevant. Our relationship is not good, but I feel this is a separate issue and the fact is, if it’s a problem for me and he’s not presenting a valid reason for it, I think it’s a pretty small thing for him to try and change.

Yes, the intimacy issue is partially the problem, our sex life always feels a bit lacking or dirty because it’s never jut a natural occurrence because we are in bed together. It’s lonely, I feel old before time, it’s one in a long lot of things that make me feel alone, but this particularly issue really gets to me.

No issues with snoring or it being because he doesn’t like sharing a bed, it is just sheer laziness and no regard at all to how much it effects me, if there was a valid reason then by all means, I’d be understanding about it, but I’m just at the end of my tether feeling like I’m in a non relationship really. I just wanted others opinions on this particular issue though, I thought others would immediately agree that of course it will have a negative effect on the relationship so it’s interesting to here other opinions on the matter and I’m open to being told I’m wrong

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 19:52

But still,even in that case, you are right ,he should be able to recognise when it's time to go to bed.

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 19:54

Our relationship is not good, but I feel this is a separate issue

OP its directly related.

Pumperthepumper · 26/03/2021 19:54

Yes, I think I’d find that a bit rubbish. When does he come to bed and does he brush his teeth and stuff?

crapbuttrue · 26/03/2021 19:54

Is he drinking whilst he's down there? Is that why he passes out?

Original poster

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 19:55

@Notimeforaname to be honest, nowadays, I do, because I’m sick of watching him fall asleep on the sofa and wondering where my ice has gone, but would make no difference what time I went up. I quite often have to get up later and go down to switch of them blaring tv because he’s passed out. If he’s tired, go to bloody bed like a normal person. I don’t care about him coming to bed at the same time as me although would be nice one in a while and I’m happy for that time to be led by him, it’s not me being set in my ways if that makes sense

OP posts:

00100001 · 26/03/2021 19:56

If you're both unhappy. The. Think about separating.

What is going to change? And how? And when?

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 19:56

but would make no difference what time I went up. I quite often have to get up later and go down to switch of them blaring tv because he’s passed out. If he’s tired, go to bloody bed like a normal person

Ok ,I see. I agree 100% that's not right or fair on you.

Original poster

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 19:58

@Pumperthepumper it’s rare he does come up at all, if he does, it’s the early hours of the morning but he normally passes out, then will wake up at some point and grab a duvet (which is an extra kick in the teeth, it’s a conscience effort when he does this) It’s not even worth discussing the hygiene side of it.

He’s sleeping in his work clothes on the sofa and then I have to redo the god damn sofa every bloody morning and he’s a labourer so he’s not in clean clothes

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 19:58

I’m just at the end of my tether feeling like I’m in a non relationship really
Please tell him this, and if you already have, try again.
Your feelings matter,as do his but the relationship is useless if you dont feel loved or connected.

Notimeforaname · 26/03/2021 20:01

Ah op ,hes actively avoiding being close to you if he will wake up for a duvet and go back down.

You can't let this go on. This is so unfair on you.
And if he's depressed or struggling with things you need to know

Original poster

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 20:01

@00100001 I suppose that’s where I’m at, if he wanted to salvage this relationship then wouldn’t he work at it rather than continuing this bollocks? I’m exhausted with even trying to discuss any of it anymore because it’s a waste of time. So I’ve worked my arse off at this relationship no matter what I’ve been thrown, and in the end, I wasn’t even worth a bit of effort to come to bloody bed? Like it’s an unusual suggestion

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 26/03/2021 20:02

[quote usedandabusedx1000]@Pumperthepumper it’s rare he does come up at all, if he does, it’s the early hours of the morning but he normally passes out, then will wake up at some point and grab a duvet (which is an extra kick in the teeth, it’s a conscience effort when he does this) It’s not even worth discussing the hygiene side of it.

He’s sleeping in his work clothes on the sofa and then I have to redo the god damn sofa every bloody morning and he’s a labourer so he’s not in clean clothes[/quote]
Ah that’s pretty rank then. I think I’d be questioning if this is the relationship I’d want.

Stillfunny · 26/03/2021 20:03

I hated that . Felt like he was a avoiding me. Which , it turned out , he was. He is now in seperate room , waiting until he can leave the marital home . Makes you feel lonely and rejected. I understand OP.

lanbro · 26/03/2021 20:07

My ex BIL was like that, he's been an ex for a long time not least because of this, if it's already mot good make plans to leave

RandomMess · 26/03/2021 20:09

Sounds really grim, he doesn't seem bothered about making an effort to improve things.

Do you have children?

Justgorgeous · 26/03/2021 20:12

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like he has checked out of the relationship. I think you need to move on.

00100001 · 26/03/2021 20:13

Leave him.

Sounds like the relationship is dead in the water.

Original poster

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 20:14

@RandomMess yes, we do each from previous, and one together

OP posts:

katnyps · 26/03/2021 20:14

Maybe I sound a bit stuck up but to be honest if he is a labourer I would expect him to change his clothes when he got home from work and not lounge in them on the sofa all evening.. for starters. I've worked manual jobs and you need to change (and shower?) to feel comfy of an evening! Sounds like there are a few offputting things about this relationship (sorry op :( )

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