Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP never comes to bed

57 replies

usedandabusedx1000 · 26/03/2021 19:25

He pretty much sleeps on the sofa 99% of the time. I think it negatively affects our relationship, I feel like I’m on my own and no matter how many times I say anything it always goes back to the way it is. He says “well sorry I just pass out” and I think he’s a grown man and should be able to recognise he’s tired and make the decision to come to bed, even more so when it’s effecting me and us as a whole. Mumsnet thoughts?! Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 26/03/2021 20:15

Sell the sofa. Make it an uncomfortable option.

lightand · 26/03/2021 20:19

@Notimeforaname

Our relationship is not good, but I feel this is a separate issue

OP its directly related.

I think it may be too.

What would he say is wrong in the relationship?

RandomMess · 26/03/2021 20:33

Yeah he sits on the sofa and presumably at the dining table in filthy clothes, doesn't have a bath or shower when he comes in??

Drunkenmonkey · 26/03/2021 20:53

Have you ever asked him why? Does he have a laptop down there? He could he staying up late to watch porn. It seems very odd that he does this every night. Is he tired in the day?
There's a lot of questions around this. Either he is depressed and cannot be bothered to even get dressed or get himself to bed, or he is staying up late for a reason (to watch porn or drink or take drugs or something that he can't do with you there)

Wingingit15 · 26/03/2021 20:58

I’m really sorry but I think the “he’s mentally checked out of the relationship” comment above may be on point:
This happened to me before my marriage folded (well spare room but similar). Unknown to me he’d more than checked out and had already moved on.
I think you really need to have a frank discussion about this. Don’t jump to conclusions. There could be a range of reasons but we aren’t going to be able to help you with what is actually driving this. Maybe he is depressed? Etc.
Talk to him. Even if it doesn’t end well, you have a child together and owe it to them to deal with the issue.

Grace58 · 26/03/2021 21:12

My ex did this. He was staying up late watching porn and messaging other women. It really dented my self confidence, even though I recognise I wasn't the issue there! I now have a real thing about my husband and I going to bed at the same time. YADNBU!

NotMyPremium · 26/03/2021 22:09

My ex did this, although he had, what I thought, were valid reasons. However I made it clear I didn't like it. He did nothing. 10 years later I left him. It was definitely the beginning of the end for me.

Porthesia · 26/03/2021 22:10

Have you considered he may suffer from Sleep Apnea?

Brighton2019 · 26/03/2021 22:22

Op I am your OH in my relationship!
Tbh there are a few reasons.. I snore apparently (even though no one else has mentioned it) and I hate being woken up to be told I'm snoring when I have for many years put up with him snoring.
Another reason is I currently work from home, look after the kids dog and him and sometimes I just want to stay up on my own but I am guinely tired so I just fall asleep and often don't wake up until its time to get up.
Other times, he's passed me off for some reason (my mental health, like a lot of people, has taken a massive hit during the lockdowns which I know is making me more irrational), which makes me not want to share a bed with him!
I would definitely suggest talking to him once again and if there is still no improvement well it might be time to start making your plans to go your own way

Kisskiss · 26/03/2021 22:26

My husband is also like this , so I absolutely get where you are coming from abd how you feel as I feel the same... sometimes I think I might as well be living alone! And yes , mine is just plain lazy/passes out too. Not sure how to change it but here in solidarity with u! X

gamerchick · 26/03/2021 22:29

Dirty work clothes and half a pint of sweat sinking into the sofa every night would give me the rage alone OP. Scruffy twat.

KurtWilde · 26/03/2021 22:43

My first serious DP was like this and it made me feel awful. Didn't matter how late I stayed up he'd stay up later so he could fall asleep on the sofa. He used to stagger up in the early hours to wake me up for sex, and if I wasn't responsive to him he'd go back down to the sofa.

SionnachGlic · 26/03/2021 22:44

It sounds like he is emotionally & physically checking out...I'd bet good money it's is to do with the state of your relationship even though you think not. Time for a big talk about your marriage not just the symptom of sleeping on the couch. If he diloesn't want to be with you, he shpuld be honest & leave. If he does, he needs to work at it to get things back on track incl in the bedrokm...

SionnachGlic · 26/03/2021 22:44

*bedroom

Shrivelled · 26/03/2021 23:12

Have you suggested couples counselling to him? It sounds like you’re not happy and he’s not listening to your requests. You have children and it’s been a very stressful year for everyone so I wouldn’t chuck the relationship in the bin before trying counselling first.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/03/2021 23:12

My ex did this towards the end of our marriage and it made me feel shit.

The state of your relationship is not irrelevant it’s directly relevant. Some people prefer sleeping alone and that’s fine but he is indicating that he can’t be bothered to change something that requires minimal effort and which he knows bothers you. It’s insulting.

To be honest I suspect this is a straw that broke the camels back situation and there are far deeper problems. Your relationship doesn’t sound great and I wonder if it’s time to face up to this.

Nameysamey · 26/03/2021 23:33

Following

Original poster
usedandabusedx1000 · 27/03/2021 12:34

Well in conclusion, I think everybody is probably right about the relationship as a whole

OP posts:
Wingingit15 · 27/03/2021 12:55

@usedandabusedx1000

Well in conclusion, I think everybody is probably right about the relationship as a whole
@usedandabusedx1000

What do you feel though? This isn’t about everyone on the post, it’s your relationship . I hope you are ok.

Original poster
usedandabusedx1000 · 27/03/2021 13:31

@Wingingit15 I feel like I have given absolutely everything i have, every piece of me, every bit of emotion and effort I could ever possibly give for something that meant nothing to him. I have tried talking, I have suggested counselling, I’ve suggested a million things, I’ve played the mug, played the fool, kept my mouth shut and tried to act like I’m not dying inside, tried to send him on his way and insist I don’t care anymore, I’ve done it all, and the only thing that’s really left is go through the hurt and hope that one day, I will feel a little less pain knowing Ive lot everything I wanted so much. He has checked out, truth be told, I’m not sure he’s been “in” for the most part of our life together. A pp said that perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, I guess that’s probably accurate. Nothing’s right. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination by my god, I try, and would be willing to try anything, but he can’t even do this one little thing let alone anything else that’s needed. I feel spent.

OP posts:
Wingingit15 · 27/03/2021 13:46

[quote usedandabusedx1000]@Wingingit15 I feel like I have given absolutely everything i have, every piece of me, every bit of emotion and effort I could ever possibly give for something that meant nothing to him. I have tried talking, I have suggested counselling, I’ve suggested a million things, I’ve played the mug, played the fool, kept my mouth shut and tried to act like I’m not dying inside, tried to send him on his way and insist I don’t care anymore, I’ve done it all, and the only thing that’s really left is go through the hurt and hope that one day, I will feel a little less pain knowing Ive lot everything I wanted so much. He has checked out, truth be told, I’m not sure he’s been “in” for the most part of our life together. A pp said that perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, I guess that’s probably accurate. Nothing’s right. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination by my god, I try, and would be willing to try anything, but he can’t even do this one little thing let alone anything else that’s needed. I feel spent.[/quote]
I’m sorry, it’s not a nice place to be in at all. I think all you can do is try to open communications with him. Presumably (I’m sorry to make assumptions from what you’ve said) you’ve lived through a period of single parentdom/ adult singleton before so you know that if that’s the right thing for you to do, itll turn out ok. We all get through it even when the prospect of coping seems too high a hurdle to manage x

lightand · 28/03/2021 08:56

What you could try and do, is sleep next to him on the floor, or a put up bed, whatever, next to the sofa he is on.

It will change something, but obviously may not change things in the way you would like.

MissyB1 · 28/03/2021 09:07

Time for some decisions then by the sounds of it. Are you going to carry on wasting your life and feeling rejected? Or are you ready for a fresh start on your own?

Original poster
usedandabusedx1000 · 28/03/2021 09:31

@MissyB1 I can’t seem to face up to either option right now. He’s decided to leave anyway, without talking, just swan off and I have to accept its over just like that. So like I said, everyone was right.

@lightand why though? If there was a valid reason, I would, but he is just being selfish so why would that be the answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
usedandabusedx1000 · 28/03/2021 09:37

Seems irrelevant now but I forgot to mention in original post that at first, he blamed the mattress said he hurt in the morning, in the end, I struggled on it, so I got that. But something else was always more important to spend money on than a new mattress (in his eyes!) and then finally he went for it, for a new one, and still the bloody same

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread