To tell the DC not to disturb my evening for any of the following reasons...

[BlowDryRat]

• They've had a bad dream (when they haven't even been to sleep yet!)
• They want a drink
• They are cold
• They can't sleep
• They're bored
• They're lonely
• Pretend sleepwalking
• They heard a noise
• Their sibling is singing and it's annoying them
• They want a hug

After the 4th time of having to put a child back to bed last night, I gave up and went to bed myself. They're 11 and 8, not babies. They have been fed, showered, read a bedtime story, sung to, cuddled and heaped with a duvet, blankets and an electric blanket they can turn on if they like. The central heating is on and it works. They have a cup of water. FFS, I just want to relax after a knackering day, not be constantly jumping up and down the stairs like a jack in the box.

AIBU to tell them to stay TF in bed?!

At 11, I would start imposing consequences for not staying in bed. Far too old for playing about like that. What time is bedtime?

Jeezo of course you need to tell them. What a palava they probably are thriving of the attention. Tonight just say once it's bedtime it's bedtime you won't be getting drinks are whatever!

Or whatever*. I can't believe an 11 year is still acting like this!

@Seeline

At 11, I would start imposing consequences for not staying in bed. Far too old for playing about like that. What time is bedtime?

I'd apply this to the 8 year old as well.

In my experience (and I'm a Nanny, so I deal with this a lot, with a lot of different children) the less fuss you make around bedtime the better.

Shower, story, bedtime. Done.
They get up with a request? Reply "No. Go back to bed" Rinse and repeat. Do not go with them to resettle them.

It's something they'll be doing for extra attention - deny them the attention and it'll stop.

Obviously make sure they're getting sufficient attention during the day

Bedtime is 8pm for the 8yo, 9pm for the 11yo. They're allowed to read quietly for a while after that.

I was thinking of printing out the various reasons they give for coming downstairs this evening and getting them to sort them into reasonable and unreasonable piles (child AIBU!). Then look at the unreasonable ones and decide what they should do to sort themselves out.

That would have been well and truly knocked on the head by the time they were 5 or 6 in my house.

I actually don't think either of ours ever got out of bed without very good reason from starting school.

Put your foot down.

Generally I would say you only need one word - "BED!" - repeated as often as necessary with firm pointy finger upstairs. If necessary you can add "you already have/had [water, cuddles, etc]". If they get attention they will keep coming back for more.

The only thing I'd add though is you haven't said what time they are being sent to bed. As they are getting older, it may be worth considering whether they no longer need as much sleep and are being put down too early. My DS in particular has never needed as much sleep as many kids his age, and as he got older we found he was often lying awake for an hour or more before dropping off as he just wasn't tired yet, and I did feel sorry for him lying there bored for ages. After (reluctantly) shifting his bedtime back, he fell asleep much better, wasn't any more tired and was less likely to appear unexpectedly on the stairs in the evening.

@BlowDryRat

Bedtime is 8pm for the 8yo, 9pm for the 11yo. They're allowed to read quietly for a while after that.

I was thinking of printing out the various reasons they give for coming downstairs this evening and getting them to sort them into reasonable and unreasonable piles (child AIBU!). Then look at the unreasonable ones and decide what they should do to sort themselves out.

I like this idea!

I can't wait until their clubs start back up again. They get properly tired out after football/ gymnastics/ swimming.

@BlowDryRat

Bedtime is 8pm for the 8yo, 9pm for the 11yo. They're allowed to read quietly for a while after that.

I was thinking of printing out the various reasons they give for coming downstairs this evening and getting them to sort them into reasonable and unreasonable piles (child AIBU!). Then look at the unreasonable ones and decide what they should do to sort themselves out.

I personally think even this is too much. Just tell them it's bedtime and that's it. Like others have said - consequences for pissing around!

I just think they need to go to bed no fuss , you shouldn't be running to your own bed to get peace.

@BlowDryRat

Bedtime is 8pm for the 8yo, 9pm for the 11yo. They're allowed to read quietly for a while after that.

I was thinking of printing out the various reasons they give for coming downstairs this evening and getting them to sort them into reasonable and unreasonable piles (child AIBU!). Then look at the unreasonable ones and decide what they should do to sort themselves out.

God no - don't start a debate about it!!

Bedtime is bedtime. No excuses.

Don't have much advice as my 9 year old does this. Despite having everything he could possible need, comfortable, fed etc he will always find another excuse to get up. Some evenings it's only once but on average it's a couple of times and maybe once a week when he is shattered he won't get up at all. The only thing that gets him to stay in bed is telling him everytime he gets up he will loose 15minutes from his xbox the next time he is on it. He goes to bed at 9pm which for his age I think is late enough. I do feel he sleeps better after a physically active day out in the fresh air though. Are your children needing more time outdoors?

Mm I see you have put bedtimes and we x-posted. 8 and 9 doesn't sound particularly unreasonable, but it does depend on the child still so you could experiment a bit. I think DS was going up later when he was that age, but as I said he's a short sleeper (though he still loves a lie-in in the mornings when he's allowed one!).

Other thing to consider is whether they are getting up later than before due to school changes etc? Again if so they might need later bedtime to compensate (and also perhaps if they are not getting tired out as much by exercise, as you say).

Bedtime half an hour earlier the next night if they dick about at bedtime. (Or 15 minutes if you think it’s going to go on longer than 2/3 nights)

There needs to be consequences and this seems as close to a natural consequence as you can get here - “You should be resting in your bed now, but instead you’re still wandering about the house. So if you’re going to do this you will go to bed earlier to make it up.”

My DC10 is pretty good with going onto to bed & staying there. Whether he actually goes to sleep right away is another story but that is on him the next morning 😂 My DC5 however use to do this all the time, always would find an excuse to get out of bed, hungry, scared, cuddle, drink, toilet, duvet isn't on properly & also he doesn't want PJ shorts on cos the sheets touching his bare legs scares him 😐 I'd end up taking away screentime or the next might he won't get a story ect & I also threaten to turn the night light off & tell him he can go to sleep in the dark which reading over sounds mean but it does work lol.

Bedtime is pissabout time for many many children no matter what they’ve been doing during the day. I’m a nanny too and I’ve heard every excuse under the sun, I can tell you, as to why they’re not going to sleep, from basic- a wee/being hungry/cover fell off/too dark/itchy bum to more imaginative ‘I’m scared of worms/Mia didn’t want to play my tedious imaginary Minecraft game at lunch and I’m sad/I think I saw a nit in my hair/what happens when we die?’

It’s all a performance and a ruse. I can get them to go to bed and stay there because I don’t indulge any of it, parents on the other hand...they can’t seem to help themselves! and the kids know this! With the mum in particular it was partly guilt that she’d been at work all day and might have missed an opportunity to discuss something that was truly bothering one of the children, but 99 times out of a hundred you are just being played, honestly!

I always tell the children ‘you can’t make yourself go to sleep but you can make yourself stay in your bed’. After that I March them back to bed without engaging, every time. They know where the loo is if they need it. The end!

Why are you going up and down the stairs each time - they are old enough to get themselves back in bed.
Our 5 year old got up last night after he had been put to bed to tell us that he hadn't finished his juice at dinner time - I told him tough it was too late now as he had brushed his teeth and to get himself some water from the bathroom if he was thirsty (there is a plastic cup in there). He then left and went back to bed my bum stayed on the sofa throughout.

I would warn them when you take them up that each time you are disturbed they will go to bed 15 minutes earlier the following day because if you lose your evening then you will make it up the following day. I'd think it would only take three or four days before they got the idea. Rule here was once you are in bed, you stay in bed and only significant illness allowed that rule to be bent a little. At 11 and 8 there is no need for them to be messing about at bedtime

Don’t worry pretty soon you’ll barely see them! My younger two are 13 and 14 and I see them for about an hour a day, tops!

Amateurs. They haven't used "I forgot to kiss goodnight"

By this age you shouldn't need to sing to them or tuck them in. The only one of those I might go up for is the annoying sibling (though it's entirely possible that the annoying behaviour is shared).

Tell them they don't have to go to sleep but the only time they should disturb someone else is things like fire or illness.

My children are 9 and 6 and have been told for years that unless they're going to vomit or their bed is actually on fire, they are expected to stay in it till morning!

Hmm, well it won't be a popular opinion on here, but if my dc was lonely and wanted a cuddle, I'd just give her one. But then, my unhappiest memories of childhood go back to bedtime so I never wanted my dc to feel like that.

I do get how irritating and exhausting it is, but I just sucked it up as a temporary thing. DD is a teenager now and I don't get disturbed at night any more, but we are extremely close, and personally, I think the way you approach this kind of stuff when they're younger does have a significant impact on relationships later on in the teenage years.

I know lots of people won't agree and will talk instead about the importance of setting clear boundaries when they're younger etc etc. However, I personally think it's much more important to let them know that you will be there to support them whenever they need it, in whatever way they need it. At any rate, that's what has worked for us, but we each have to parent in the way that we feel is right.

Just wanted to offer an alternative perspective. I hope you get some peace in the evenings soon.

Also, I would not be moving an inch to put them back to bed. Or chatting to them about reasons. They aren’t toddlers who need settling!

Way to old for them to behaving like that. I would start punishing them.