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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the DC not to disturb my evening for any of the following reasons...

59 replies

BlowDryRat · 26/03/2021 08:47

  • They've had a bad dream (when they haven't even been to sleep yet!)
  • They want a drink
  • They are cold
  • They can't sleep
  • They're bored
  • They're lonely
  • Pretend sleepwalking
  • They heard a noise
  • Their sibling is singing and it's annoying them
  • They want a hug

After the 4th time of having to put a child back to bed last night, I gave up and went to bed myself. They're 11 and 8, not babies. They have been fed, showered, read a bedtime story, sung to, cuddled and heaped with a duvet, blankets and an electric blanket they can turn on if they like. The central heating is on and it works. They have a cup of water. FFS, I just want to relax after a knackering day, not be constantly jumping up and down the stairs like a jack in the box.

AIBU to tell them to stay TF in bed?!

OP posts:
ItsAllComingBackToMeNow · 26/03/2021 09:55

Hmm, well it won't be a popular opinion on here, but if my dc was lonely and wanted a cuddle, I'd just give her one. But then, my unhappiest memories of childhood go back to bedtime so I never wanted my dc to feel like that

I think that is the right approach if they are genuinely upset about something. I find it pretty easy to know when something is really bothering them and when they’re at it. I think in the OP’s case, her kids are at it and it is a nightly carry on, as we would say around here. It needs to be dealt with firmly.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/03/2021 09:56

@AlexaShutUp totally get what you’re saying but, I do think it’s it’s important that children realise that adults are not a bottomless pit and solely functioning to provide hugs and chat on demand. I’m sure OP’s children are quite secure enough and confident that she loves them, they should feel the need to eat away at her evening to get her to prove this, too.

LAgeDeRaisin · 26/03/2021 09:56

You don't need to print anything out. It's not a discussion.

Just say "go back to bed", do not engage, do not say anything else. If they continue then have a discussion the following day about consequences and agree in advance what those are if it happens again.

You sound like you're engaging too much which is the whole point of them getting up.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/03/2021 09:57

*SHOULDNT feel the need to eat away at her evening!

Timeforabiscuit · 26/03/2021 09:58

merryhouse mine have passed this and moved on to lurking outside the living room and feigning interest in whatever we are watching, which is slightly drier adult content.

Or asking about the covid numbers or latest political news.

At this point we realise she must be pretty bloody desperate to stay up -

ItsAllComingBackToMeNow · 26/03/2021 09:59

They are pretend sleep walking! 😂 No parent needs to give up their evenings to let their children know they are there to “support” that shit! 😂

LAgeDeRaisin · 26/03/2021 09:59

@AlexaShutUp it sounds like you had other issues with your parents that I don't think apply to the OP. They are not genuinely distressed they have just got into the habit of making a fuss.

GirlInterruptedAgain · 26/03/2021 10:01

Let me know if/how you solve this problem op. My teenagers still come into my room cos they can’t sleep/ it’s cold/ it’s too hot/ they have a sore ( insert body part here), my bed is comfier than there’s. I don’t know if this ever stops!! Although they do come in for hugs as well so can’t complain about that..

AlexaShutUp · 26/03/2021 10:04

I think that is the right approach if they are genuinely upset about something. I find it pretty easy to know when something is really bothering them and when they’re at it. I think in the OP’s case, her kids are at it and it is a nightly carry on, as we would say around here. It needs to be dealt with firmly.

As I said, we all have to parent in the way that feels right to us. My extremely loving, caring mother actually had no idea how desperate and miserable I felt as a child, when I was alone and unable to sleep each night, so actually, I'm not convinced that you would know. And yes, it was a nightly carry on for me as a child as well because I used to dread bedtime and lying there alone in the dark. I did stop disturbing my mother because it was "dealt with firmly" but that didn't change how I felt. I just knew that I had to deal with the misery alone. I believe that it has contributed to life long sleep issues, unfortunately.

I'm not saying that the OP's children will feel the same, as obviously, I have no idea. I'm just saying that these things are short term, and sometimes it's better to think about the kind of relationship that you want to build with your dc in the long term, and to let that shape your interactions with them in the present.

But each to their own.

AlexaShutUp · 26/03/2021 10:07

it sounds like you had other issues with your parents that I don't think apply to the OP.

No other issues with my parents, they were fab. They just didn't understand how desperate I felt at bedtime when I couldn't sleep. I've discussed it a lot with my mum since, and she wishes now that she had understood more then. She just didn't realise.

ThePricklySheep · 26/03/2021 10:07

We have come up with a compromise with my youngest. He gets sad and lonely. So we check on him after 15 minutes, then 20, then 30.
He’s usually asleep the first time and always the second. It’s slightly annoying, but a lot less annoying than the getting out of bed all the time.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/03/2021 10:13

@AlexaShutUp I don’t mean to sound harsh, but realistically, what would you have wanted your mum to do? Sit with you nightly until you fell asleep? For years? Depending on your age I do think at some point it would have had to be something you overcame on your own, as you said you felt secure during the day and your parents were great.

Seriouslymole · 26/03/2021 10:13

DS 12 struggles to fall asleep sometimes. He will occasionally come down and ask for a glass of milk, which he gets himself and then puts himself back to bed - but it is still bloody irritating. However, I don't want to make a big thing out of it in case he gets very stressed about sleep so we go with it.

OP - I think you need to sit down with yours at some other time than bedtime and lay it on the line. They can come down if there is a genuine emergency otherwise they make up the time in some other way - no TV/Games/phone whatever their poison is, the next day.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 26/03/2021 10:14

I used to hear the stairs creaking and have a loud PA conversation with myself " oooh did I hear the stairs? Surely not since all my LOVELY children have been in bed for ages and would not want to disturb me!"

If I missed the stairs creaking and they found me they would have The Look and be asked "is your bed on fire ? Cos that's the only reason I could accept for you being down here in front of me right now!"

DS2 was always a terrible bed hopper though, he'd wake up and just want some company I think...however rules were clear that bed time was bedtime and if you had to get in with someone else then you must not disturb that person. One night he got in with me and I was really not very well...feverish, chills, flu ridden, and he got in, cosied in, said "mummy you are horrid and sweaty" and promptly went back to his own room :o :o Another night it turned out he had been in bed with everyone at some point! He was curiously silent and the first you would know about it was him actually getting under the covers. He's still very stealthy/quiet as an adult..the only reason I know he has gone to bed is that his bed clonks when he gets in...never hear him moving about the house.

8 and 11 is very old for this sort of malarkey! You need to reinforce your requirements for peace and quiet now or they'll still be disturbing you late at night once they are old enough to stay up after you .
All hell would break loose if I had to get up after I had gone to bed.

ItsAllComingBackToMeNow · 26/03/2021 10:17

I am pretty sure I would know, actually. If they say they are hungry, I tell them to eat a banana, brush their teeth then go back to bed. No other discussion. If they say they are thirsty, they know where the tap and cups are. If they say they are sad, frightened, or worried I talk to them about it. If they tried something like pretend sleep walking, I would be cross and they would get short shrift. If they came to me nightly and said they were sad or worried, I would work with them to figure out a solution.

I want my children to learn that if there is a genuine problem, we speak about it and sort it out, not disguise it by acting silly to get attention.

But as you say, each to their own.

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 26/03/2021 10:21

My rule is, I don’t care if you are asleep but you have to stay in your room.

Ohdoleavemealone · 26/03/2021 10:26

What about letting them listen to a story? We play a podcast through Alexa and neither kid ever get out of bed or shout us up.

Flowers24 · 26/03/2021 10:28

That's bad! Mine always knew once they went to bed they were not allowed to come downstairs!

AlexaShutUp · 26/03/2021 10:28

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but realistically, what would you have wanted your mum to do? Sit with you nightly until you fell asleep? For years?

It's a fair question. I'm not sure really. I'd like them to have shown a little more empathy and understanding, I guess. To have just given me a hug if I needed one. Maybe to have checked on me from time to time to see if I was ok.

I actually did sit with dd when she was younger while she was falling asleep. Then I progressed to checking on her every now and then while she fell asleep by herself. She is very similar to me in that she finds it hard to wind down at night, but she doesn't have the same negative associations with sleep that I developed as a child because she knew I'd be there if she needed me.

AlexaShutUp · 26/03/2021 10:29

I want my children to learn that if there is a genuine problem, we speak about it and sort it out, not disguise it by acting silly to get attention.

I agree, but I have also taught my dd that it's ok to just want/need attention sometimes, so she never had to make up any silly excuses.

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 26/03/2021 10:34

@ItsAllComingBackToMeNow

They are pretend sleep walking! 😂 No parent needs to give up their evenings to let their children know they are there to “support” that shit! 😂
DS used to have a genuine problem with sleep walking and night terrors but it's been over a year since the last actual sleep walk. It's pretty easy to tell that he's faking when he walks robotically down the stairs, arms outstretched like a zombie!

I think I am firm with them but not consistent. It's hard to say no when they turn up with their favourite teddy in one hand and just want a hug! A cup in the bathroom is a good idea, then they can't 'lose' it or fill it with glitter and assorted crap Hmm

I shall add 'I have a sore bottom', 'Millie isn't invited to my birthday party', 'I need eye drops' (she doesn't) and 'I want to know what day it is tomorrow' to my unreasonable list.

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 26/03/2021 10:38

I wouldn't go for harshness and firmness and the attitude of it's them v you. I would try and get them more active in the daytime, and I would let them know I am always there to help them BUT sometimes that is by helping them to sort their own things out. They aren't pissing about because they WANT to get in trouble. They just need a bit of support. I really like the kid AIBU idea.

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 26/03/2021 10:39

@AlexaShutUp I used to get scared at night (overactive imagination) and cry, so my parents would come and take me to the loo. I'm glad you worked out something nice with your DD though.

OP posts:
ButtonMoony · 26/03/2021 11:02

@GirlInterruptedAgain

Let me know if/how you solve this problem op. My teenagers still come into my room cos they can’t sleep/ it’s cold/ it’s too hot/ they have a sore ( insert body part here), my bed is comfier than there’s. I don’t know if this ever stops!! Although they do come in for hugs as well so can’t complain about that..
I don't know where to start!
PurpleMustang · 26/03/2021 11:15

I used to find that it was an excuse for something else. So that they really wanted a chat. Started to have a purpose chat about school day, friends, activities etc each night when in bed, so they could get it all out and sleep better. It worked and they are confident to confide in me too which is great