To think this hen do "plan" is bonkers

[flamingflamingos]

My friend was meant to get married last July, we were going abroad for the hen, it was cancelled due to covid and we lost some money. I was secretly quite relieved as the costs seemed to spiral and none of the other girls seemed to mind. It's a mixed group of friends from Bride's different circles so I don't know anyone very well asides from the bride.

Wedding has been rearranged for end July 2021. The hen group chat reappeared last night, new plan is a holiday cottage in the new forest to sleep 14 of us, Fri - Mon last week of June... so just days after the optimistic 21st June.

From my understanding, 21st June is the earliest opportunity the rule of six/2 households falls away? And my concern is we all pay £400 each for a holiday cottage and then the 21st June reopening date is pushed back, and we (quite rightly) won't be able to get the money back for the cottage.

I don't know whether to explain to the organiser (who I don't really know) that this is a fairly risky plan (because they all seem oblivious to coronavirus restrictions), or just make my excuses and leave them to it?

The main reason for thinking I might broach the subject rather than make my excuses is so that people don't end up losing more money, or the risk that the bride doesn't get a hen do...

Thoughts?

I agree with pp saying tell the organiser that you won't be going because of the risk that restrictions might be extended and you are unhappy with the health risks renting a cottage with so many people. Tbh I'm not happy about DDs wedding taking place this year. I don't think we will be through this health emergency by the summer.

And I agree about hen/stag nights getting ridiculous. You aren't ending your freedom by getting married. If you are, a hen do won't make up for it

COVID or not I wouldn't spend £400 on a hen do

I think you should express your concern as others may be thinking the same or it might not have occurred to them. Depending on what they do you could then pull out. Perhaps they might change the date or look into other options?

£400 each for a cottage for a few days in unreasonable enough.

There are so many of these "costs of hen do" threads. It's very sad that people seem to want to outdo each other with the celebrations, and can't just enjoy a meal and a few drinks like when I was a lass.

I also wonder how many of the girls who get sucked into these, and seem to be happy with it all are secretly thinking, "Crikey! This is getting dearer and dearer - I won't be able to afford a holiday this year now." and are praying that someone else in the group will be the one to crack and say "Sorry - but NO!"

14 different people from 14 or so different households on the 21st June a month before a wedding. Unless you've all been vaccinated that's insane.

I'd be making my excuses but I'd tell them why. The restrictions aren't going to be lifted for long if people think that stuff like this is a good idea. She might end up with a v small wedding.

If I was the bride I wouldn't want anyone losing anymore money on my behalf.

If you don't want to go....then for goodness sake please stand up for yourself, say what you think and don't go.

But whatever you do - let the bride know separately first before the organizer.

You do have my sympathy as I know how pressured these things can be to participate in.

I’m planning a (much cheaper, £100pp!) weekend in a cottage hen do for November - I’ve booked somewhere with a totally bulletprooof cancellation policy even though we will hopefully be in a more covid safe situation by then as all adults will in theory have had both doses of the vaccine.

Despite that - I am still very prepared for it to not go ahead due to covid. Everywhere I enquired with is offending a full refund if we need to cancel at any point.

June definitely feels a bit optimistic.

We’re currently planning our friends hen do for weekend of 25th June (choosing to be optimistic). However everything we’re doing will be able to be cancelled and refunded so no one is out of pocket. I’d voice your concern as some people might be thinking it but don’t want to say it.

Lockdown has taught me in future to not attend a social situation I don’t really feel comfortable going to. Never again will I find myself in an overly priced restaurant with 14 mums from school only to find I’m not even sitting beside the only two I really know or want to spend an evening with.
And
Mums net has taught me “that doesn’t work for me”

If you won’t be refunded for it if it is cancelled due to covid then yeah, it’s a crazy plan and I wouldn’t bother.

I would be honest.

Going to sit this one out. I am not prepared to loose more money because of cancellations if restrictions aren't lifted.

Back out. Save your money, especially as you've already lost money on this.

I wouldn't say anything. Any criticisms wedding related never go down well in my experience. Say you have a birthday or something important on that weekend and can't make it.

Well there's two issues - the first being the whole covid thing. I would suggest using Booking.com - you can cancel up to a week before, having not paid a penny I believe. Check this though - they may have changed it...

But more to the point, you don't want to go! I would make an excuse, but then offer a day/night out, just the two of you, as an alternative.

I scratch my head over this 'hen' thing in any case (and according to some of the threads on this site, some of them can really peck).

I didn't even have one, and curl up inside at the thought (likewise baby showers). I got married in my mid-30s and it looked to me like something kids do. The US rehearsal dinner sounds a lot more civilised and reasonable in terms of the expectations it places on people.

It's the behaviour when B2B doesn't get exactly what she wants, when she wants it, that never fails to amaze me. This has to be the case here or OP wouldn't be posting with a dilemma.

Don't criticise their plans. And do not, ever, JADE. It just gives them an excuse to come back and give other reasons as to why you should do what you want them to do.

'Sorry, I have other plans for that weekend' should cover the bases.

I'm struggling to get past 400 quid just for the accommodation rental for a weekend.
With food and drink and everything on top, that's going to be an insane amount for a hen do.

Why do people seem to find it so hard to just say no? You've been invited to it, but you don't have to go. Just be honest, say its an awful lot of money that you can't really afford especially as there's a decent risk of things getting pushed back with opening up of lockdown

I think your concern is valid, and it is expensive. Politely decline now. If you are looking for excuses, it may be the start of Wimbledon, or you don't want the family making a mess whilst watching Euro 2021, or you have suddenly embraced virtual Glastonbury. I'm sure others can help with a few more ones if just saying no seems heartless.

@fizzandchips

Lockdown has taught me in future to not attend a social situation I don’t really feel comfortable going to. Never again will I find myself in an overly priced restaurant with 14 mums from school only to find I’m not even sitting beside the only two I really know or want to spend an evening with. And Mums net has taught me “that doesn’t work for me”

ABSOLUTELY THIS.

Two issues - money and COVID. What’s the main issue for you? The COVID or the money? COVID they’ll be able to cancel for sure if the restrictions are not lifted and money well if it’s that say no

I know a lot of areas have taken advantage of Covid to do big civil works over the last year, but bugger me if I missed the fact that they’d somehow installed a floating luxury tropical island resort in the New Forest?! Blimey, it’s New indeed!

Do you need to get malaria and yellow fever shots to go on this exotic weekend, or just Covid?

I am a bit gobsmacked in any case about the elaborate hen and stag dos on which some people insist nowadays. I had thought of hen dos as just fun parties, if the bride has one at all. But £400 per person to stay in a holiday cottage for the hen do -- that would be extreme even under normal circumstances, let alone at times of extreme uncertainty!

I wouldn't get involved in discussions of what others should do, but just say that you're sorry that you can't make it, and if you wish, explain that you can't afford to risk losing the money if restrictions last beyond June, and that you really look forward to the wedding.

I'm sure that there will be others saying no: it's a lot of money; a fair bit of risk; and, if restrictions are lifted by then. many people would prioritize a perhaps long-delayed family holiday.

Meant kindly, but it's not your responsibility to mitigate the losses of people you don't really know - and the bride sounds like a prize twat, so if they get no hen do it's all they deserve really.

Make your excuses and leave them to it. It's really not worth the headspace.

@mindutopia

All other things aside, it seems a bit mad to plan a hen do with such a massive group a month before the wedding. What if one of you does have COVID (worst case scenario) and gives it to all the rest. There's a 2 ish week incubation period, and then bride and everyone else gets COVID 2 weeks before the wedding. That sounds like a nightmare.

^^ This is the core point right here. Imagine if everyone gets sick? How on earth is this going to right itself a few weeks before the wedding? Every single wedding venue (their church, reception hall, etc) would ban them.

She expects you all to pay £400 each for holiday cottages? An absolute cf. let her pay for it all herself if she's that keen.