To think this hen do "plan" is bonkers

[flamingflamingos]

My friend was meant to get married last July, we were going abroad for the hen, it was cancelled due to covid and we lost some money. I was secretly quite relieved as the costs seemed to spiral and none of the other girls seemed to mind. It's a mixed group of friends from Bride's different circles so I don't know anyone very well asides from the bride.

Wedding has been rearranged for end July 2021. The hen group chat reappeared last night, new plan is a holiday cottage in the new forest to sleep 14 of us, Fri - Mon last week of June... so just days after the optimistic 21st June.

From my understanding, 21st June is the earliest opportunity the rule of six/2 households falls away? And my concern is we all pay £400 each for a holiday cottage and then the 21st June reopening date is pushed back, and we (quite rightly) won't be able to get the money back for the cottage.

I don't know whether to explain to the organiser (who I don't really know) that this is a fairly risky plan (because they all seem oblivious to coronavirus restrictions), or just make my excuses and leave them to it?

The main reason for thinking I might broach the subject rather than make my excuses is so that people don't end up losing more money, or the risk that the bride doesn't get a hen do...

Thoughts?

Make your excuses. Other people can make their own decisions and deal with consequences. I agree with you, though. I wouldn't go.

I don’t think you should try to explain to the organiser that you away yu barely know, nor the other attendees about the risk. Presumably they have access to the same information as you and can make their own decisions. I would just decide for yourself whether you want to go or not.

@flamingflamingos

The cottage is let through the sister company to the company my parents' use for their holiday let (think county variations of the same company) Mum received an email after BoJo's roadmap from the lettings company confirming that their cancellation policy would ensure that bookings made for larger properties would still be valid should the rule of six be extended, and that travellers would be informed that they must revise party sizes. I have assumed that this will be uniform across all parts of the company but I could quite easily call them up and confirm.

I don’t think that would stand up to challenge legally. You can’t just put any old thing in a cancellation policy and say, well you agreed to this. If they’ve taken a booking for 14 and can only cater to six the contract is frustrated.

Give your excuse now as to not to go on the hen weekend before others start pulling out.

It would be much more sensible to book 3 cottages together each taking 4-6 people, then you won't have to completely cancel if the rules are extended (which seems entirely possible). It could be great fun because the bride and chief bridesmaid could move between the 3 properties, each holding 4 other "hens" and the rule of 6 wouldn't be being broken at any point, but you could think up some great hen-party games which were tailored to the dispersed nature of the events (including having regular zoom linkups between the 3 properties during the evenings) - and you should be able to be all outdoors together by then even if the rule of 6 still applies indoors.

Even if you book more than one cottage surely the group will meet up together in one of them so it's still risky. I would just say you are not available to attend and wish them well. You don't need to say why. I wouldn't bother getting into the rules, possible risks etc. Everyone knows the rules. The rest of them can make their own decisions.

People need to get a grip about their hen parties- it's completely ridiculous to ask people to go on a holiday and unilaterally stipulate expenses. What's wrong with it being one evening of celebrations/a dinner/drinks/dancing with a hotel for the night if people are travelling too far to get home?

It just seems so self involved.

There was another thread about this recently where the bride and all the bridesmaids dumped one friend and blocked her because she said she couldn't afford £1000 + spending money for a week away in Tenerife. Where does it end? When did friendship become about how much money your friends will front you to enable you to have good inatagram shots?

If £400 is just the deposit, how much is it in total?

OP I'd suggest something less expensive that nobody will be financially burned with if it gets cancelled.

@KihoBebiluPute

It would be much more sensible to book 3 cottages together each taking 4-6 people, then you won't have to completely cancel if the rules are extended (which seems entirely possible). It could be great fun because the bride and chief bridesmaid could move between the 3 properties, each holding 4 other "hens" and the rule of 6 wouldn't be being broken at any point, but you could think up some great hen-party games which were tailored to the dispersed nature of the events (including having regular zoom linkups between the 3 properties during the evenings) - and you should be able to be all outdoors together by then even if the rule of 6 still applies indoors.

Somewhere a public health official has just collapsed at the thought.

I'm old enough (62) to have only ever been on 'hen' (and a couple of stag!) dos that were a night out at one or more pubs and a curry at the end of the evening.

I really feel for those of you who find yourselves under pressure to spend a shedload of money on these events, often (as with this one) having a holiday with many people you don't really know.

I personally wouldn't do it - but then, my partner and I, who will both be doubly vaccinated by the end of May, are refusing to go to a golden wedding do in a hotel in August - simply because it will entail being in an enclosed space with a lot of people we don't know.

I wouldn't go. I'd still be annoyed about losing money for the first time around, and this £400 will only be the START of it anyway. Next thing you know there will be the non-refundable £80 each for the gourmet chef to come in and cook for you all, and the £120 for the booze, which will mysteriously take 6 months to winkle back out of the maid of honour after it's all cancelled anyway.

You have a perfectly reasonable out. Take it!

I know it sounds a bit "in my day we painted our feet back because we didn't have shoes" but my hen ( 2006) was literally afternoon tea at the flat of one of my bridesmaids and we played "which Jane Austen character should you marry".

I wouldn’t get involved, personally. Just make an excuse and don’t go. I’m sure you won’t be the only one not attending.

£400 each for a cottage sleeping 14? £5600 for 3 nights?

Or have I misunderstood the maths?

What cottage is £5,500 for a weekend?

@KihoBebiluPute

It would be much more sensible to book 3 cottages together each taking 4-6 people, then you won't have to completely cancel if the rules are extended (which seems entirely possible). It could be great fun because the bride and chief bridesmaid could move between the 3 properties, each holding 4 other "hens" and the rule of 6 wouldn't be being broken at any point, but you could think up some great hen-party games which were tailored to the dispersed nature of the events (including having regular zoom linkups between the 3 properties during the evenings) - and you should be able to be all outdoors together by then even if the rule of 6 still applies indoors.

What on earth would be the point in paying to stay in a cottage with strangers to do zoom calls together?! Surely you’d be as well just all staying at home and do it on zoom!

I certainly wouldn't be going - far too covidy. I might if I'd had my vaccine but I haven't and don't think I will have by then so if it were me it would be no.

If you book the cottage then its likely to be your responsibility to make sure you comply with the right number of households, so I would think there is a risk to you not being able to go as a large party and not getting your deposit back

But tbh, rather than getting into it with them, particulalry when you don't know them and possibly getting a load of aggro, I would just make my excuses

Sorry I’m also distracted by the cottage ar nearly six grand for three nights.,

@Countrygirl2021

When on earth did a hen do go from a night out with your friends to a week's holiday? I found it so pressured when friends were getting married as it was trip after trip. You feel terrible if you don't go but the expectation of a holiday is a bit ridiculous. We had one wet of friends where my husband went on a stag week, I went on a hen weekend, then we stayed over night at the wedding, bought presents and an outfit. It cost us nearly £1000 because our friends decided to get married. This isn't ok.

I was thinking the same thing. I miss the hen party nights out. A lot less complicated yet fun

I don't think you should spend £400 on a holiday you don't want to go on.

If you live within a couple of hours drive, could you pop down for the day do an activity, have a meal etc and go home.

Do you even want to go, at that price?
That’s your first decision.
I wouldn’t.
If not - just reply either with, “sorry - outside my budget - have fun!” (if it’s not far, perhaps join for a daytime activity, meal - whatever works) or if you don’t want to admit that (though there’s no shame in it) “what a shame, not available then.”

If you would pay that amount to go, call the booking company yourself to check the policy, then share your concern with facts. “Guys, would love to go - but only to a property with a good Covid cancellation policy.”

I wouldn't be able to get that particular week off work.

And I'd caution them that covid cause complications or cancellations, so you hope everything goes ahead for them.

All other things aside, it seems a bit mad to plan a hen do with such a massive group a month before the wedding. What if one of you does have COVID (worst case scenario) and gives it to all the rest. There's a 2 ish week incubation period, and then bride and everyone else gets COVID 2 weeks before the wedding. That sounds like a nightmare.

@Wallabing

I wouldn't be able to get that particular week off work.

And I'd caution them that covid cause complications or cancellations, so you hope everything goes ahead for them.

There is, of course, a chance they’ll have heard of Covid and possibly even understood that it could impact on plans.

I would just back out - £400 before anything else is really expensive for a hen do. If they won't refund you then it might be a case of rescheduling. Would you want to go away with this group at a different time of year? Maybe send a nice bottle of champagne to bride to be & get a decent wedding present. I can't see you all being able to go to the wedding either the way things are going.

I don't know how it's come to this that it's expected for people to give up days of holiday allowance and pay a fortune for a trip away. It's different if it's a girls trip with a specific group of friends who would always go away together anyway. I just had people staying over at mine and we had lunch in the afternoon and went out for pizza/drinks in the evening.

It’s nearly £6,000 for a weekend in a cottage in the New Forest?