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Original poster

Going home for holiday without my daughter

55 replies

Unsure1010 · 25/03/2021 19:10

My partner and I are from another country. I have lived here for 15 years, have a 6 year old daughter who I share custody with her father. We have a relatively good relationship (her father and I) and make parenting decisions together.

My partner has a big birthday coming up next year and wants to go home to celebrate. It’s a 12 hour flight. His family and my parents are both out there still. My daughter will be in year 2 and her dad doesn’t agree with taking her out of school, particularly in a SATS year - which I support and respect.

Am I being unreasonable to be hesitant to go, as it will be during term time, and I wouldn’t be able to take her with. We’d be talking about probably 2 weeks or so. She’s desperate to see her grandparents, and they her. He’s very unhappy about it and can’t understand that I don’t feel like I could go without her, so I just need to know if I’m being unreasonable here

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 25/03/2021 19:26

YANBU to not want to leave your daughter but you WNBU if you went if she was with her dad. No one would bat an eyelid if a man went away for two weeks and left his children with their mum so if it's only guilt making you not then please don't feel bad. For a one time trip I don't think it's that bad to take you DD out of school but if her dad isn't ok with that then you're right that he gets equal say because he'd have to not see her for two weeks too so it's still one of you missing your DD. Could you go earlier or later, so it fits the school holidays, your partner needs to understand you have a young child to think about and that you can't just do what you want without talking her dad and that you cant just go without your little one if you dont feel comfortable leaving her.

CloudFormations · 25/03/2021 19:27

I think you should wait til she can go and see her grandparents. It seems tough to go without her when they will all want to see one another.

SunIsComing · 25/03/2021 19:29

Just take her!

Sparklesocks · 25/03/2021 19:37

I think you should take her. But equally aren’t they bringing in rules about who can travel abroad at the moment? Doesn’t it have to be for certain reasons only? Or is that lifting as restrictions ease?

TheCraicDealer · 25/03/2021 20:20

When's this big birthday? I can't see anyone going anywhere until at least the autumn, maybe even start of next year.

If you asked me if I'd rather be apart from my DD or my DP for two weeks, I'd pick DP to go alone every time. Two weeks is a long time for a six/seven year old, and it would be a bit of a kick in the nuts for her and your parents for you to make the trip (costing money and annual leave) rather than wait a bit and bring her along so she can see them.

underneaththeash · 25/03/2021 20:30

I think he can do something with just you on his actual birthday and then you go to your home country during the nearest school holiday.

I managed to eek out my 40th over several months. Didn't have my actual party until a couple of monhts after my birthday.

AmyLou100 · 25/03/2021 20:38

I wouldn't go as you already know your dd is desperate to go. She might take it very badly if you leave her. You wouldn't enjoy yourself anyway feeling guilty. I couldn't do that.

MazekeenSmith · 25/03/2021 20:40

I would ask him to wait for his trip until the school holidays when you can all go together.

Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 20:52

I wouldn't p, not because there is anything wrong with leaving her with her dad for a fortnight, because that's obviously fine. But because she'll know your seeing her grandparents and she'll be sad.

Or just take her with you.

I think a child upset about missing out on a trip,is likely to not fair well in sats, ore than a child that's missed two weeks school.

Witsend101 · 25/03/2021 20:53

It's mean to go without her when you know she is desperate to see family too. Can't it wait until school holidays so you can all go together?

en0la · 25/03/2021 20:56

I wouldn't go without her for all the reasons up thread but also in case borders suddenly close and you can't get back.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/03/2021 21:08

I would not go abroad to see gps without a child who is desperate to go.

Especially not for the sake of yr 2 SATS results which mean bugger all as far as the child is concerned. Since when as yr 2 been a key academic year? It’s hardly her gcses!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/03/2021 21:09

(NB I wouldn’t actually take my child out of school in any year, just found your DH reasoning odd. I wouldn’t go at all until you can take her during the hols)

Nightbear · 25/03/2021 21:12

I’d take her. SATS are bullshit anyway and if her grandparents live a 12 hour flight away the opportunity to see them is more important than two weeks of school to a 7 year old.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/03/2021 21:14

If you were only going to see his family, I'd say go without her. But she seems desperate to see her grandparents. So you either bring her (at a suitable time), or dont go - he can go alone maybe?

MattyGroves · 25/03/2021 21:14

The obvious solution would be to do the trip in school holidays?

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 25/03/2021 21:14

So your DP has a big birthday. Is the trip timed to coincide with his birthday? Can’t it be timed to coincide with school hols?

I couldn’t leave the country without my children, let alone visiting family that they would miss seeing. A birthday is important but leaving my children or visiting family (when very far away) without my children, are even more important - if my partner couldn’t understand this then he wouldn’t be my partner for much longer.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/03/2021 21:15

SATS are May arent they? Can you go June?

GreenBalaclava · 25/03/2021 21:18

It would be fine if you wanted to go OP, but as you don't then I think your partner should understand that. Two weeks and 12 hours away is a long time.

Embracelife · 25/03/2021 21:18

Your dp is an adult and doesn't need to celebrate his birthday on the actual day. He can wait.
Go with dd in the school holidays

negomi90 · 25/03/2021 21:18

If you can get her dad's consent to take her in term time, I'd take her.
Otherwise I'd go with her in holidays.
Its not the leaving her for 2 weeks. Its the going somewhere she really wants to go without her. It may also affect her relationship with your partner if he gets to go with you to see her grandparents but she doesn't.

Also realistically if you go with him, are you likely to go a few weeks later in her school holiday with her. Or will the time and effort and money spent on the birthday trip mean there's less money to go again and less need (for you to go as you would have just spent two weeks with your parents). This may inadvertently prolong her time without seeing that side of the family.

GreenBalaclava · 25/03/2021 21:19

I'd go in the school holidays and take her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/03/2021 21:20

He’s very unhappy about it and can’t understand that I don’t feel like I could go without her

Didnt see this.

This is the issue.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2021 21:28

He should understand perfectly well why you don’t want to leave your six year old for two weeks, to go and have a holiday with her grandparents. Is he stupid?

Your ex doesn’t agree with you taking her, are you also expecting him to have her for the full fortnight you’d be away? Will you pay his share of the fines for an unauthorised absence?

The whole thing is ridiculous.

Cocopogo · 25/03/2021 21:34

Yr 2 SATs aren’t important at all. Her dad is making an excuse and has no intention of letting her go whenever you go.

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