Page 2 | Going home for holiday without my daughter

Cherrysoup · 25/03/2021 21:47

She’s six and he’s worried about her missing school? Batshit!

Cocomarine · 25/03/2021 21:52

For your big birthday, if you wanted to celebrate it there, I would talk to her dad again about taking her out of school, as a very rare occurrence - so that she can see her extended family and your home country.

For your boyfriend’s birthday? No 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ironmanrocks · 25/03/2021 21:54

She will learn more about the world and about life on a 2 week trip than she will in school. Take some set work to do if you're that bothered. Forget the sats she is 7. She won't remember them in 2 years. Go together and have some fun. Life is for living. I'm a teacher by the way.

Cocomarine · 25/03/2021 21:56

To add: even more so because your boyfriend is unhappy and is not understanding 🙄 What is this big birthday? Turning double figures? 🙄

I personally would take her out of school your a big one off family trip home. (and I’ve never taken mine out, but still would think that’s a good idea). As your ex, I’d “approve it”. But if just you, I would be totally understanding of you not wanting to leave her for 2 weeks. That’s a big deal. She would be absolutely fine - I’m not saying she wouldn’t. But you’re not at all unreasonable to be unsure of leaving her, especially that distance. So I think your boyfriend needs to wind his neck in.

SplendidSuns1000 · 25/03/2021 22:12

I promise you, SATS is not that big of a deal at all, she would enjoy having a holiday and visiting family. Do what you feel is right.

Bouny · 25/03/2021 22:15

I wouldn’t leave my 6 year old for two weeks, no way.

moofolk · 25/03/2021 22:19

Do you really think two weeks of school in year two is more important than family?

TooMuchYarn · 25/03/2021 22:27

So your DDs dad doesnt want you to take her out of school for two weeks and you dont want to take a two week holiday without her. Both of you are perfectly reasonable in my opionion. I think your partner should postpone the big birthday celebrations until school holidays and you can both join him, you can still celebrate the day at home but save the big party away until the holidays.

Cocomarine · 25/03/2021 22:29

@moofolk

Do you really think two weeks of school in year two is more important than family?

Whose family though? It’s the boyfriend’s birthday trip... do OP’s family even live in the area or will they be a short part of the overall trip because he expects her around for his birthday celebrations?

Anyway, it’s hard when you’re co-parenting. We might all think the girl’s father is wrong, but what does the OP do if he doesn’t change his mind?

Cocomarine · 25/03/2021 22:31

@TooMuchYarn totally agree. If your boyfriend refuses to accommodate a simple change (no adult needs to celebrate their birthday on their birthday) is he really cut out to be dating someone who has a child?

Yes, two weeks out of Y2 is no big deal - but why do it if it’s not even necessary?

Ploughingthrough · 25/03/2021 22:47

I wouldn't leave the country without my DC with the erratic opening and closing of borders at the moment. I live overseas and considered going back alone last year when my mum got sick. I didnt in the end for fear of rules changing while I was gone.
If you go anywhere take your DD even if it means postponing

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/03/2021 22:50

I’d go in the holidays, it’s mean to make her miss out on seeing her grandparents.

TooMuchYarn · 25/03/2021 22:55

And just to add - if your DD will be in Y2 next year, she has already had a huge amount of disruption and days missed to her short school career. A normal year as far as possible next year is something she deserves. There are enough holidays in the year to facilitate family visits, they should not need to come from school time unless it’s completely unavoidable.

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2021 23:01

@Unsure1010

My partner and I are from another country. I have lived here for 15 years, have a 6 year old daughter who I share custody with her father. We have a relatively good relationship (her father and I) and make parenting decisions together.

My partner has a big birthday coming up next year and wants to go home to celebrate. It’s a 12 hour flight. His family and my parents are both out there still. My daughter will be in year 2 and her dad doesn’t agree with taking her out of school, particularly in a SATS year - which I support and respect.

Am I being unreasonable to be hesitant to go, as it will be during term time, and I wouldn’t be able to take her with. We’d be talking about probably 2 weeks or so. She’s desperate to see her grandparents, and they her. He’s very unhappy about it and can’t understand that I don’t feel like I could go without her, so I just need to know if I’m being unreasonable here

So he's not her father?

So he's not bothered about upsetting her.

You have a decision to make - who's more important here?

BackforGood · 25/03/2021 23:25

I haven't voted as there are lots of separate questions here.

YWNBU to go away and leave her with her Dad who already shares custody.
YWBU to take a 12 hour flight to your home country and spend 2 weeks there with family and not include your dd in that. Surely your parents want to spend time with their GDD and your dd should be given the chance to spend time with her GPs ?

YABU to worry about a 6 yr old missing a couple of weeks for what sounds like a rare opportunity to spend some time with GPs. (It doesn't sound as if you go home very often ?)

lalafafa · 25/03/2021 23:29

take her, its year 2 ffs. Shell get far more out of seeing her GP"s than missing a few lessons.

lanthanum · 25/03/2021 23:51

I think it would be better to make the trip in the holidays, rather than get hung up about being there for the actual birthday. But then I've never been particularly bothered about it having to be the right day. I was away for DD's 8th birthday - she was quite happy about celebrating a day early. If an 8 year old can cope, an adult surely can.

FontyMcFontface · 26/03/2021 00:15

I would take her. Unless dad makes it impossible. Anyone who thinks yr2 sats are more important than seeing grandparents when there’s been a pandemic preventing travel and goodness knows when she’ll get to see them again, has lost all perspective. Imagine if it was the last opportunity to see grandparents and you went without her, and the impact of that on the rest of her life. Whereas y2 sats... she won’t even remember them.

It would be cruel to leave her behind. And I mean really cruel. If her dad won’t agree for her to miss school, go in the holidays.

Original poster

Unsure1010 · 26/03/2021 07:08

Thanks everyone. I’m not adverse to taking her out of school, if I got the appropriate permissions, etc. However I know her father won’t allow it. And I have to respect that.

We will be close to my parents and I will still see them. Just not for the full 2 weeks. Plus, they would be very upset and hurt if I didn’t take her.

I haven’t met my DP’s family before (we actually met over here, have been together a year , but obviously with the pandemic, haven’t travelled)

My mom came over at Xmas before all the restrictions changed, but DD hasn’t seen my dad in coming up to 2 years.

We are talking about Early March next year, so hopefully travel will go ahead.

I’ve spoken to him about possibly waiting until the Easter holidays, as they have nearly 2 weeks then, so it would work. Hopefully that will be a better compromise. I know he’s desperate to see his family too, so I do understand his frustration. He was also brought up a bit differently to me, where it was ok for his parents to go travelling. Whereas I was brought up where my parents always took us with and wouldn’t leave us for extended periods. Neither is wrong, we’re just different people in that regard.

Hopefully we can compromise with the Easter break

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 26/03/2021 09:58

If he won’t compromise with Easter and he carries on being off with you, I’d reconsider being with him.

He’s just your boyfriend. It’s only been a year. You wouldn’t even spend the whole 2 weeks with the grandparents that everyone thinks it’s important for your daughter to see.
As her father, I would be unimpressed with this trip because it sounds like it’s for your boyfriend far more than for your daughter.

As for your parents being “very upset and hurt” if you don’t bring her... time to stand up to more people in your life who need to get some understanding! Very upset - fine, I understand that. But hurt? No - don’t let them dump that emotion on you. It’s a shame if you can’t take her because of her father, definitely. But it isn’t hurtful.

mindutopia · 26/03/2021 10:02

It's absolutely fine to go away without your dd. I went to Australia (from the UK) for 2 weeks when my eldest was 16 months. It was for work, so obviously couldn't bring her with me, but she was just fine with her dad. I go away every year on holiday without my dc (as does dh) and they are perfectly fine at home.

But the question is whether you want to bring her and she wants to see her family, particularly if she won't be able to travel to visit them again in the near future. 2 weeks away to visit family in Y2 is no big deal. SATS means absolutely nothing and I wouldn't care if she missed prep for them or the exams themselves. It's really not important. But seeing family is. If you want to bring her with you and you don't just want an adult holiday and a break, then I would find a way to take her and I think your ex would be wrong to stop you, unless he has concerns that you might not return.

Embracelife · 26/03/2021 12:47

You not stopping your dp from travelling fir his birthday

As you say you never met his family before

Arrange around your dd holidays to go visit your parents with your dd

If it matches your bf travel days great
If not so be it

Embracelife · 26/03/2021 12:50

If the only reason you present to lea or school for the date is "mum s boy friend s birthday" they would be right to fine you.
Since you and dd can easily visit GPS in her school holidays

Embracelife · 26/03/2021 12:51

Or go without dd since it is about dates for your bf and nothing to do with your family

Mylovelyhorsee · 26/03/2021 12:55

I’d take her, sats in year 2 mean less than nothing.