Relocating for work

[24601mary]

I posted in another topic and didn't feel as though I gave a thorough overview of the situation and felt from some of the comments being left perhaps it would be more suited to this topic

Overall summary :
-Me my husband and 2year old live in Peterborough.
-due to covid our work stream has been affected and my husband has miraculously got a job in Nottingham at a really big stable company that also happens to be his dream job

• he will be working from home for the foreseeable but there might be a time in the future that he is called back in
• my work is luckily flexible and I can continue working from home as I am no longer needed in the office at all. This has been confirmed.
• we have decided after much debate that relocating to Nottingham sooner rather than later is the best thing for us as a family - he will be close to work which means we won't need to buy a second car , my 2 year old can settle into preschool and school meaning we won't need to uproot her from school if we delayed and moved years down the line and we are only an hour away from home by train or just a little longer by car .

My mum is devastated at the prospect of us leaving . To give some context

• I am an only child as is my mum. My only family is my mum and my 90year old grandmother who are both in Peterborough
• I have been doing my grandmothers cleaning and shopping for her because my mum works full time and I only work part time around my 2 year old
• my mum doesn't like driving distance , so won't be comfortable to drive the hour to Nottingham but she will get the train
• my grandmothers caring responsibilities will all lie on my mum because I won't be able to share the load being further away , and this makes me feel guilty beyond words

Please be kind. There is only so many words I can use to explain my situation and I don't want anyone to read between the lines or assume stuff I haven't mentioned . I would just like to know what people's thoughts are. I feel like I am being so selfish to leave my mum behind. It feels like I am being disloyal to her and betraying her. We are close and she is my friend. But at the same time I am trying to think what is best for my husband and little girl

I would obviously visit home as often as I could and we would get a place where my mum could stop over for weekends so we would make a lot of effort to keep regular contact

AIBU to continue with the move? Who should I prioritise?

[emmathedilemma]

I don't think you can beat yourself up for planning for the future and what's best for your immediate family. Without wanting to sound awful, your gran isn't going to be around forever and you're not a million miles away that a day trip to provide some support to her can't happen on a regular basis. Could you order her shopping online for delivery the weeks you can't get there in person?

[Dizzy1234]

You need to prioritise your own family.
Your mum may be upset but if you have that close a relationship she will want what's best for you and for you to be happy.
As for your gran, can you arrange some help before you go, home help, adult social services, carers etc?
That could take the pressure off of your mum, do the prep work.
You will feel guilty for leaving but you have your own life to live.
Good luck

[Magnificentmug12]

I understand your guilt and I hear it but it’s life. Your life, to be frank. You don’t win any awards for sacrificing it. Your family is your partner and your son, you have your whole life ahead of you, move to Nottingham and start living it, you can’t let people hold you back no matter how much you love them, you have to live your life and they have to live theirs.

Your mum can take on the extra care for her mum but if she chooses not too, which is her right, to her own life, I’m sure care somehwere will be at hand.

[mumto2teenagers]

I do not think YABU to continue with the move, as it's only an hour between the 2 locations then you will still be in a position to see your family on a regular basis.

It seems like you have discussed it and think it will be the best option for your family, however I would consider the following before making the move.

1. Has your DH been offered the job or started working for the company, I would wait until the end of any probation period before moving.
   
2. Does he know what the company are planning with regards to returning to the office, if it's full time then over an hour each way is a long commute, however if the expectation is only 2 days a week then would he be able to commute instead.
   
3. Where would you like your DD to attend school? I don't know either of the areas, but is education better in one area compared to the other.
   
4. Have you spent much time in Nottingham or is there a risk you will not like living there.
   
5. Are property prices similar, or will you accommodation vary between locations.
   
6. You mentioned family, but do you also have a lot of friends in Peterborough.

[GoWalkabout]

I agree, help her sort out more home help for grandma, talk about how visits will work. If you and your husband have decided, then she will have to adjust. It's OK for her to be sad though, but not to guilt trip you.

[maxelly]

Gosh tough one. An hour away is nothing in the scheme of things and I think your Mum is a bit UR to be 'devastated' and making such a big fuss and trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what's best for her rather than your own family, but on the other hand I can see she and your grandmother do depend a lot on you and obviously being an hour away will reduce what you can do for your grandmother specifically so I do think you may have to prepare yourself for some additional guilt/stress by moving. I don't think you'd be 'betraying' her - I would use that word for serious stuff like cheating, defrauding her of money, kicking her out of your house, that kind of thing, it's a very emotional word. I'd say at worst you are maybe being a touch inconsiderate but even that is arguable as you haven't just decided to move away because you fancy it, it's because of your husband's job which is entirely fair enough IMO.

I guess your options are:

-Hold off on the move for a year or 2, I don't think your pre-schooler will suffer too much from potentially having to change pre schools, or maybe you could even make it work for you to move in 2-3 years time in the summer before she starts school as she'd have to have a change then anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much there, and if you and your husband are both WFH for the forseeable then it could work - an hours commute isn't too bad anyway esp if he ends up being able to WFH the majority of the time. Without wanting to be too blunt, your GM's health may change in the next few years (90 is a great age to have reached with a reasonable level of independence but you can't plan your whole life around her, she sadly won't be around forever) and if she has to go into care or similar then that will mean you moving away is less of an issue (since as you say your Mum can train it to you). The only thing is you'd potentially miss the stamp duty holiday by delaying, would your Mum or GM be potentially willing/able to help you out there if you did lose out financially as a result of staying local purely to help them?

-Compromise by moving halfway, somewhere roughly half an hour from both Peterborough and Nottingham, ideally on the train line between them (sorry not totally familiar with the area so don't know where's nice but maybe Grantham?). That way your DH could get the train to work if needed, you have an easy-ish drive back to help your GM out and you can make a long term home for your DD somewhere that works for everyone. Or perhaps your Mum could help out with a 2nd car again as a gesture of compromise if you needed one?

-You say sorry to your Mum and GM but you need to put your family first and it's hardly as though you're going to Timbuktoo. They will get over it in time and there's a lot you can do to help remotely, you can be in charge of sorting out online shopping once a week from your GM (it seems silly that you spend time and petrol etc going to shops for her when there are great online services, the premium ones will bring it in and pack away etc) and maybe a cleaner, so that the time you can spend together is more quality time for the 2 of you than you just doing jobs for her?

[mindutopia]

It sounds like you're being really sensible. You can't plan your life around caring for other people. You have to take care of your own family first. There are always options for carers and other forms of support. And you're only an hour away (we don't have any family who live within an hour of us!). My family is on the other side of the world (it didn't stop me moving) and dh's closest family is nearly 2 hours away. We won't be able to care for them when they're older. They'll have to manage somehow and we can support from a distance, but it just won't be possible. But only an hour away and you work part-time, if you needed to be there to offer support, you can still do that.

[AlexaShutUp]

Peterborough to Nottingham is no distance at all? Your mum will get used to it. Crack on with the move!

[Heyha]

We did a similar move with family that are unsure about driving- honestly after a few months that hours' drive will feel like nothing to you to do, and the train link that way is easy enough if I remember so your mum shouldn't find that too daunting.
It is a shame to not be there to help mum with gran but sadly that isn't a permanent situation and it's likely that some bought in help would be needed at some point anyway.

Half way between is another option but that will depend on how much and when you both need the car. Don't be held back by your family's short term emotions is what I'm saying, people get used to things and you aren't even going that far. Secure work is going to be more important than ever in the next few years and having that stability in itself will help your mum and gran out as well.

[relaxingforme]

The advantages of the move seem to be perfectly reasonable for your family and your daughter.
Your mum will adapt and learn to cope with out you.
I find when you choose to make big decisions it will not suit or please everyone.
In the big picture where you live, how you live is dependant on a income first and foremost.
Family will adapt and should be supportive.
How your mother and grandmother will cope will be a change they will learn to come to terms with.
Priorities yourself.
Your Mum could access services? You would only an hour away not hours and does it feel good or right this move?

[emilyfrost]

I think considering you don’t even know if he will be called into the office, you are jumping too soon.

I don’t think you should go unless you absolutely have to.

[CuthbertDibbleandGrubb]

I think there will be holiday times where you can provide care and help for your grandmother, so you are not necessarily stopping it totally. Shopping deliveries can be arranged which you could offer to manage once you have moved.

Your mum might actually like a visit for a weekend or longer, as a change of scenery.

[PaquitaVariation]

Lots of people have a daily commute of an hour or more. I’ve lived a similar distance from my parents for all of my adult life now and still see them (I normal times!) on a weekly basis, it really isn’t that far.

[NotATomato]

If you move to south Nottingham then it’s very near the M1 and so won’t take you long to get to Peterborough. Also there is a direct train line south I wouldn’t move my children once they had started school. I live in Nottingham and it’s a really nice place to live.

[chillied]

I also wouldn't actually make the move until his probation period is done and confirmed.

By that time he'll have more of an idea of when and how much he's going to be asked to be in the office or not.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Its always sad when family leaves but to be fair it's not Australia or Cornwall. An hours drive is nothing, I do that to get to work every day. You need to do what's best for your husband and kids. Don't feel guilty. Life isn't set up the same as it was back in the 1950's we often have to move around these days whether we like it or not.
My parents worked abroad from when I was 16 and I hardly saw them until they retired so it could be worse.

[TheCraicDealer]

I would see if your DH could sound out more from his new employer about timescales for the return to the office and if there'll be any scope for home working PT in the future. Then you can factor that in to your decision. If he's only commuting 2 or 3 days a week you could limit your move to the northern end of Peterborough or the surrounding villages, maybe Melton Mowbray or somewhere.

If he has to be in the office every day and you both agree you want to reduce his commute and be in Nottingham then you'll just have to bite the bullet and go for it.

An hour is nothing in the grand scheme of things; nothing to stop you going down to help with a big shop or cleaning your DGM's house once a fortnight, with your mum paying visits to you as well.

[Alienchannell21]

I lived away from my family for years and have now returned. Family support is so important to me. If I were in your position I would want my dh to find out what likelihood of 5 days in the office would be. 1 hr commute is standard anyway. In 10/20 years time would you want to provide more support for your mum when she ages? If so would that 1hr be difficult for you with a family/ job etc?

[altiara]

I would wait until DH settles into the new job and passes probation etc but I’d also want to move as soon as possible and start making a network of friends.
Good idea to start looking around at places anywhere in between rather than just by his work so you get the schools you want, nice distance between both places etc.
I know you won’t save them on the car, but you could find a good compromise without it being a compromise.

[BusyLizzie61]

Personally, I wouldn't be relocating on the basis that he may be asked to go in. Why relocate if this doesn't happen or if is only for a day a week?
Why leave the only family you have behind for ifs and maybes? And that's before you get to the fact that your Gran may well not be alive for many years to come and you will have taken away her family and great grandchild for these could be reasons.

And very bluntly, plenty of people travel an hour to and from work.... I am not sure why relocation is such a necessity tbh even if was in the office 5 days a week...

If you are relocating, I'd be making sure that you find some home help for your grandmother and maybe that you still organise the shopping and have it delivered.

I also think that it's probably unreasonable to expect that if your mum works ft and will then be doing all of the caring for her own mother, that you will be doing the lion's share of the travel. So could find yourself having to be travelling back every other weekend which will seriously eat in to family time and activities, including making clubs and parties difficult to attend if you are committed to visiting...

It's a personal choice, but I wouldnt do this to my mum, even more so if I was an only child.

[dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby]

YANBU you do have to go where the 'work' is these days even with remote working online as an option.
Surely your Mum could 'buy in' help for your Grandma. A first step would be to get her care needs assessed by the local council rather than you being expected to do so much. If she needs supervision for all or part of the time, she might be eligible for Attendence Allowance which is non means-tested...this could go towards the cost of buying extra help for her.

[Pinkdelight3]

Both me and my brother moved away from home, more like 5 hours than one hour, and it's pushed my parents to do things they'd never have done otherwise and they say their lives are richer for it. Your mum may baulk at the drive now, but she could get used to it and be a more confident driver in no time. Not saying she will, just saying there' s more positive way to look at it than her panicked default to the idea that your whole family have to be in Peterborough come what may.

No doubt my parents would love us both to live closer so they could see the grandkids more often and we could care for them when they need it, but their MO is to support us in what works for our families and if we're happy so are they. Yes it's great for some families to live in the same town if that works for everyone, but some independence also counts for a lot and regardless of the ins and outs of your work situation, you should be able to have a wider horizon than Peterborough if you like, and your mum might find she benefits from wider horizons too when she gets over her initial fears. Fear is never a basis for planning your life.

[IndecentFeminist]

You wouldn't be unreasonable to move. But if you are uncertain, does it need to be all or nothing? Half way between the two places would be very manageable for both parties.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Obviously I'd wait until your DH has settled and completed probation before moving. Otherwise I agree you need to put your family first, better to move in time for school applications. There are plenty of elderly people who manage without any family living near them.

[Unsuremover]

I’m in a very similar situation. I was sharing caring responsibilities for my grandmother because my work was shifts, but then I moved to a better full time job. It was more money with potential for promotion so it was a no brainer. I went through the same thing. I had been pushing for more support for gm for a while, including things like taking laundry to the laundrette abs been met with total resistance. We’re 2 years down the line now and almost everything is suggested has been put in place. People adapt and change and honestly you’ve got to think about your immediate family.