@24601mary
Thank you so much everyone for your comments! It is really nice to be able to see that for the majority of you all, you don't think I am being selfish. It's so tough and I love my mum and I will always be there for her no matter where I am. When my daughter gets older she will enjoy going on train journeys to visit her grandma or I am fine to drive back to Peterborough because the drive doesn't bother me. We would pick my mum up from the train station for her to stay here at weekends. And I would still visit my grandmother and support her with shopping from afar.
*@BusyLizzie61* - I do appreciate your comment, I really do! And your viewpoint is the other half of my brain. If you wouldn't mind, if I could give you my arguments against your points I would be really interested to hear your next thoughts because it is this that my brain is battling with .... you say that you couldn't move away from your mum and even more so if you are an only child. This is exactly how I feel and it is awful as I feel like I'm piggy in the middle between her snd my husband . Can I ask how you would feel if you stayed close by to her and then your husband did really well in his job and ended up communicating to Nottingham 5 days a week on a busy road that meant that he would be out of the house between 7am - 7pm (give or take a little time because of traffic ) he would never see his child during the week and we would live for the weekends. I know people live this way , and I respect that, but that really saddens my heart to feel that would be us . My mum would get to see lots of us whenever she wanted and us her, but my husband would then suffer. My husband would do anything for me and he has said to me, just say the word and we shall stay put. But I don't feel it's fair for me to ageee to that when I know the impact that could have on his relationship with his daughter snd his wife and I would worrry like crazy for his long drive every day.
(I know it's all ifs snd buts as we don't know if it will be 5daysba week but he wants to really progress in this company and I can see out of any company this is the one he would be perfectly suited to)
*@emilyfrost* - I completely understand your point too. We have also discussed this and there is that element of risk that if we go now and then he never gets called into the office or he ends up not liking it or anything negative happens , we've jumped and moved away without needing to. Our thoughts against this would be that if we delay a couple of years for him to settle in and see what realistically his needs would be in the office, this adds time where my daughter gets settled into preschool here (maybe reception by then too) and whilst I would uproot her if we absolutely had to , the emotional side of it would impact my decision - she may have made close friends by then, she may feel sad to leave them. And even if that didn't happen , my grandma might be unwell by then and maybe even the inevitable will have happened or about to happen with her , and then if my husband really needs to be closer to the office, at that point I don't think I would go because the emotional tie of staying would be too strong. He would then be in a position where he was either doing long days and we would never ever see him during the week, or he would look for menial work here and quit . Neither of which I want for him.
It's such a hard decision and I get that people commute for long hours for work or live far away from family , but when it's just a small family and I know how upset they would be, it makes me upset !
For those who have suggested half way - we have also considered this too, but my mum won't drive any further than Stamford. We looked at Grantham to make it easier for her to get to, but it would be the same, she would get the train and not drive ! And we would be living in Grantham which isn't where we would ideally prefer , we would prefer Nottingham - more to do for us but also low opportunities for our daughter!!
Oh life does get complicated when you have children!!! Haha
I think that until I knew it was going to be 5 days a week, I wouldn't do or agree anything.
I think that atm it's a very different mindset as you've lived locally to work/wfh so these changes feel even more grave.
Having done an 1hr15 commute either way, I get that I wouldn't want to do this again, BUT I am the primary caregiver. Whereas your husband is not. And whilst he may miss out on time with his child as a result of the commute, unless this was more than 3 days a week, I really don't see it as that significant. Safety wise accidents are more likely to occur on likely roads, so I'd moot that concern if you can. Also, if in Nottingham, what's to say you won't find yourself in a position of oh effectively still going to work at 7am to avoid the traffic (indeed the commute could end up nearly as long in rush hour) or just because he wants to put in more hours....
I also think if he opts to be working 8 to 6pm, which is what your 7 to 7 suggests, that's his choice and actually he needs to make his hours more family friendly. Even if that means shorter lunch break, earlier finish and logging on for an hour if absolutely necessary. I know parents who have short lunch breaks of 20 minutes so they can collect the children from school 1 day a week. He could apply for flexible working too.
I get the concern re school. But that's a long way away and there's no guarantee that your child would go to the feeder School from the nursery and with the same children. It's far less likely in a city. So moving between nursery and Reception is less of an issue in my mind.
Once she's at school, it will inevitably be a juggle of school, after school clubs, activities etc, friends, so your daughter won't be around the same as things are now. Remember covid is a false sense of reality.
I think that the balance still lies that by relocating, you risk putting the horse before the cart. And that moving inevitably means your mother would have significantly less contact and it would be more formal as it would have to be planned, not just 5 minute drop ins etc. Your husband may have less child contact too, but I am not convinced that this is as significant as you feel and some of this onus is on your oh in managing his time so his work time is family focussed too. He could still be having story times etc even with a commute and would obviously have weekends. I would anticipate, in real time, it may only be a difference of a max of 30 minutes more a day. Having done both situations myself.
But again, you really don't know that it's a 5 day return to office.
What would you regret more? Moving now and finding out he's only going ad hoc or a day or two a week, and sadly your Gran dies and your child has seen significantly less of your mum? Or, you delay, wait to find out and them make an informed decision, but have potentially gained the last few years of your gran's life and your mum has remained more involved until school age?