AIBU - DH and baby sleep

[Heartbreakeyes]

I think I probably am being unreasonable here (at least in part) but new mum uncertainty and sleep deprivation mean I’m not quite sure of anything anymore!

DD is 6 months old and is not a good sleeper. She wakes every two hours, often more frequently, throughout the night and apart from a few good spells she always has done. She naps well during the day (around an hour in the morning, 1.5 at lunchtime and 30 minutes to 1 hour in the afternoon). She is EBF and I still feed her to sleep. I’ve tried napping during the day but (a) I get to sleep just as she’s waking up and (b) it feels so miserable doing nothing but looking after a baby and sleeping - I really value having that time to myself.

We have not tried sleep training yet (apart from some failed attempts to put her down drowsy but awake) - we may end up doing it but at the moment would prefer not to as she still seems so young. DH is on board with doing whatever I want.

At the moment DH is working from home but he works long hours, his typical day is about 9-9 but he can be working until 10/11/12 at times. He stops work for an hour in the evening to have dinner and do bathtime. He also gets up with DD and has her for two hours in the morning, usually 6-8 so I can catch up on sleep. He often sleeps in the spare room during the week. I do all the night wakings, though he will help if asked and often does at around 5am. DH is going to be off work for a month in May as he’s changing job.

The result is probably that we have about the same amount of sleep, though his is unbroken and mine is in 1-2 hour chunks. I haven’t slept more than four hours together since DD was born, and it’s very rarely more than 2 hours.

I feel like DH is doing a lot given how much he works but:

1. I really need a longer stretch of sleep soon, but DD wakes up for a lot longer if DH tries to put her down at night instead of me so he’s reluctant to take over any night wakings.

1. DH can put DD to sleep without feeding and I can’t. I have tried copying how he does it (rocking and pacing) but with no luck. Given that all the advice says we need to break the feed to sleep association I’d like him to take the lead on getting her used to bedtime without feeding to sleep. However, while he will help when asked he’s really resistant to committing to consistently doing bedtime for a while.

I suppose in part I just feel like I’m the main parent (unsurprising at I’m on mat leave and still breastfeeding) and am a bit overwhelmed with all the decisions. I feel hard done by doing all the night wakings but then I’m sure DH feels hard done by doing all the early mornings. Any suggestions gratefully received!

YABU = the poor man is doing enough, leave him alone!
YANBU = he could be doing more to help.

Note; I have been diagnosed with PND and anxiety - thankfully both mild and improving so I don’t think it’s relevant but including so as not to drip feed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but it does sound like quite a fair set up at the moment with his working hours.

Maybe you could discuss a day at the weekend where he enables you to have a longer uninterrupted sleep.

He sounds like a good egg!

I get where your coming from completely and its really good that he can already put baby to sleep without you. The set up sounds fair for the moment. Yous could really crack it during that month but it will take commitment. Maybe agree for him to enjoy a week or something out that month to recharge? Then crack on?

That sleep deprivation is absolutely awful, I really feel for you. It does sound like he’s doing his bit but only you can say really how it’s making you feel

I would really urge you to look at sleep training though. Your baby is moving from one sleep cycle to awake and needs to feed to get back to sleep. There are loads of gentle methods, it doesn’t need to be a crying route.

6 months isn’t too young to start at all, it’s worth looking in to

Will the baby take a bottle of expressed milk? He could give you a long stretch of sleep on one of his days off?

We’re only now coming out of this so a high five from me ✋🏽.

Would DH be able to put the baby off for their final sleep at night? So you go to bed at 6/7/8 or what ever time you go, then DH looks after her for two hours or so then puts her to sleep at 8/9/10, then you get a good 4-5 hour chunk each night?

Do you express any milk?

I would be asking him to do the night waking at least one night at the weekend, it's only fair if he's getting all the unbroken sleep just now.

I BF both my babies and I found the same as you that DH could get them to sleep but if I had them they just wanted to feed.

It's tough. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing. I would be trying to nap at least during one of the daily naps. Or if you can't sleep, at least sitting with your feet up for an hour. It's not like you can go out much at the moment anyway. Housework can wait and it's more important that you look after yourself as well baby.

That's unsustainable, being woken every 2 hours all night, surely this is contributing to your mental health issues.

Ideally I'd say sleep training. If you don't want to do that, your DH needs to do a period of time so you are getting 4-6 hours of unbroken sleep (that means he is in charge and you are undisturbed - not you wake up and then ask him to help). Can you go to bed very early and he deal with any wakings before midnight/1am so you sleep then? I know he is working but him taking 30min break to resettle the baby will allow you to get a chunk of unbroken sleep which is key.

Thanks everyone - DH is indeed a good egg!

I do express sometimes (for when we go out) and she’s happy to take a bottle so I could see if DH could take her for a longer stretch at the weekend.

We definitely will have a proper think about sleep training - at the moment the idea of letting her cry really upsets me but I do get the argument that it’s for her own good as she needs to sleep even more than we do! I think there will come a point when we have no choice (she definitely needs to be sleeping more before I go back to work at the latest) but I’d like to give her a little longer to improve on her own first.

In the future you may have two (or more) children and be unable to sleep or lie down during the day.

You will regret not doing so when you had chance with your first. I guarantee you.

You are thinking too short term here. BF won't last for long in the grand scheme of things. Having "me time" will come back, it doesmt matter if your me time is squeezed for this short period of time. Anyway, think of sleep as "me time", sleep is a treat for a parent in itself! (Esp the blessed grown-up daytime nap)

Sleep training is bad for babies please don't do that. At that age they don't learn to self soothe, they only learn that if they cry nobody is coming.

What's happening at weekends? I find that even one long stretch of sleep can sort me for a couple of weeks. You have my sympathy because it is so grueling.

Are you cosleeping if your DH is in spare room? Then there is much less up and down.

Also just to check since I have seen people mentioning it on here-you're not changing wee nappies overnight are you?

I would cut down the sleeping in the day as well, 3 and a half hours in the day can maybe be cutdown.

Feed her around 7/8pm and put her to bed. Go to bed yourself - not in the same space as her.

Express milk for a 11/12 feed for your dh to give her well away from you. (Seriously consider formula feed for this feed ifnyou cannot express) He then puts her to bed.

If you get to 2/3am before you are woken up you will feel so much better.

If you can do this 2-3 days a week it will help you no end. I would say it is hard as you don't get time with dh in the evenings but it doesn't sound as though you do anyway...

Use his month off to get her sleep training. You cannot carry on like this. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

Definately do some sleep training, feeding them to sleep is a big mistake !

His very long working hours are going to be an issue long term I think. As really it means there's only one parent available for a lot of the time. So you the parent who does more will feel knackered.

Is he always going to work this much? Is he a high earner?

He could do night wakings one night at weekends so you get a chunk to recharge, and does he need to work 12-15 hours a day five days a week? Is he paid for all of that time? We had a similar set up in that DH would do early morning before work (6-8) so I could sleep for a couple of hours more, and some nights I'd go to bed early around 8 and he'd stay up with DS until he was ready for night sleep which I think was around 10/11 back then and DS would wake in the early hours but I'd say least had a 5 hour chunk. Just getting a few longer chunks of sleep, plus a whole night once a week saved my sanity. He also made sure I had me time at weekends, to have a bath, read a book, have coffee with a friend, just cuddle DS but not have to do washing, tidying, nappy changes etc, partly for me, but partly after working all week he really wanted to be hands on with his baby, they'd go out for walks and bring me back a nice coffee and pastry from the local bakery, just while I snoozed or watched TV etc, things like that helped me feel cared for

@DimidDavilby we were changing wee nappies for ages before we realised we could leave them - it was a revelation! But not anymore. She goes to sleep in her cot but usually ends up in bed with me by 2/3am.

To everyone suggesting DH takes wake ups for the first half of the night - that sounds like a great idea, I’ll suggest it to DH later, thank you! x

@Okbussitout @KingdomScrolls the working hours are definitely a point of tension (that could be a whole other thread!) he is a high earner - city law - so the hours are relatively normal for him. It worked fine before DD came along, in part because I also work very long hours in city law earning more than him so neither of us were sitting at home alone, but now it means we don’t really see each other. Goodness knows what we’re going to do when I get back to work as well but that’s a problem for another day!

We had something a bit like this... DH was the one to break the feeding to sleep cycle in the end as they always smelled milk on me. Maybe your DH could book a week of leave, be the bedtime/night time settling person and catch up with naps in the daytime? I would hope 3-5 nights would do it. Otherwise the stress of doing it just seems insurmountable so you carry on with the feeding to sleep/cosleeping because it’s easier in the short term.

I think you’re probably both exhausted and you’re doing well not to start the dreaded who’s the tiredest competition.
We have some acquaintances who even hired a sleep nanny for a week to sort out sleep habits. I suspect if you both start getting sleep, so many other things will improve.

Firstly, it sounds like you are both doing a brilliant job.

Is DD still sleeping in with you?

I ask this as I moved my DD to her own room at 8-9 months. As I realised I was waking her in the night/she woke saw me and wanted milk. Once in her own room, after a rough first couple of nights her night waking me went from 6-8+ to 1-3. Within weeks we were getting the odd 1-2 nights a week where she wouldn't wake.

I fed her to sleep till 12-13 months. She 20 months now and gets herself to sleep and does 11-12 hours straight every night. Has been going to sleep by herself since 13 months (other than the odd time she's been teething/poorly).

I used to feed to sleep. Pop her in the cot. If she woke up. I'd pat shhhhh her to sleep.

Hi OP

We were in the same position as you and got a sleep trainer. She did say that the sleep association with feeding was a lot easier to break when the dad was more involved with bedtime. Also studies show that broken sleep is really bad for you - people having 5 hours unbroken are less tired than 8 broken.

Anyway I dont think sleep training is bad for babies unless you do the whole cry it out and dont respond at all. When we did it with our awful sleeper, they were so much happier and engaged the next day as they weren't knackered.

We did the disappearing chair method at 7 months and it changed our lives! PM me if you want more info and will let you know what we did...it did involve some crying but not for long and mostly with us there with the baby so they weren't alone, they were just angry they weren't feeding to sleep

I'm not a fan of sleep training, and have been through similar. We have a similar split (well, toddler but still doesn't sleep) but I lie in literally until he goes to work (at home). His hours are less than your husband's though.

With his long hours, and no opportunity to chill out in the day/snooze, if he does do nights I think you'll need to do the reverse and let him catch up in the morning, so just bear that in mind.

My child never took a bottle, and so we were stuck with me doing all night feeds, and baby would get v v upset if he went to her in the night, and then be more likely to be up for hours. So I do the night, he does the morning now.

But given you can express, then he may be able to give you some longer stretches.

Also, could he take her for the day at the weekend, so you can basically stay in bed all day to catch up?

It might be worth seeing if there is anything that can help you fall asleep faster in the day - yes it feels Ike wasting your time,but it's necessary, and a privilege of a first born.

SLEEP TRAINING DOES NOT MEAN LEAVING THE BABY TO CRY!!

It CAN be but there are SO MANY gentle methods available- shush pat for example is sleep training

@Babyboomtastic oh definitely- if DH ended up doing more nights then I’d definitely take some of the mornings. I wouldn’t expect him to do both on any one night.

@ShirleyPhallus good point, I should have been clearer - however, my experience is that DD cries with anything other than feeding or rocking to sleep, even pat and shush. There are obviously different degrees of crying but I haven’t found any version of sleep training that really mean zero tears.

We are happy to try things like pat and shush but are not yet at the stage where we want to do cry it out or controlled crying is what I should have said.

We used controlled crying from 6 months, worked in 4 days , always good sleepers then on x