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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want a dog but OH does... Aibu to say no?

67 replies

grannyinapram · 23/03/2021 22:36

Not now but in a couple of years when the kids are older, oh said he wants a dog. I don't want one. I've just spent 8 years at home looking after our children and in a few years when the youngest is at school and I finally have the freedom to work and stop being a sahm, he wants me to look after a dog.
He works long hours, 60+ hour weeks pluss staying away frequently so a dog would hardly touch his life. I would be the one who has to walk, feed, groom, clean up after the poor thing and quite frankly I don't want to.

I wouldn't mind adopting an older dog when the kids move out but a puppy needs time, and training. oh wouldn't be able to do it, work just wouldn't allow it. so it would fall to me.
I also wouldn't feel good about leaving a puppy at home alone all day so if we got one I still would have to put my life on hold for even longer.

He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog and to be honest id rather him fuck off now if being the mother to his children isn't enough without adding a bloody dog on top.

aibu to say no? I'm not saying never but I certainly don't want to be tied down with a dog after years of child rearing. when is my time? I can't be stuck at home being the caregiver forever. he's never done it so he doesn't know.
I've had dogs by the way- i don't want the extra work load

OP posts:
abeanbaked · 23/03/2021 22:38

Absolutely do not get a dog if you are the one who will be caring for it and you don't want it. This is why so many dogs are rehomed, people don't think about how much hard work and how tying they are. Except you do, and you know the right thing is to say no.

abeanbaked · 23/03/2021 22:40

And if your relationship is THAT fragile that he doesn't think you are well suited because you (reasonably) understand the work that a dog entails and don't think it is suitable, maybe you should think about your options Hmm

thewreckofthehesperus · 23/03/2021 22:42

Nope, nope, nope and I say that as an owner of two dogs.
If you've owned dogs than you know what a huge commitment it is. He wants the fun of the dog and none of the responsibility.

Tell him when he's retired and has the time to put the work into keeping a dog he can work away but until then it's tough luck seeing as how all the hard work would fall to you.

thewreckofthehesperus · 23/03/2021 22:46

Jesus I missed the 'not suitable if you dont want a dog' part.

I'd tell him if a dog was such a deal breaker why wasnt it brought up before marriage and kids.

Actually fuck that, I'd hand him his coat and tell him he knows where the door is. That's a really manipulative, shitty thing to say to someone you're supposed to love and care for.

whetherpigshavewings · 23/03/2021 22:47

He cannot want a dog if he's not the one taking care of him.

Has it even occur to him that the dog would be YOUR dog if you are the only one there, training him and looking after him?

First, you sound like a lovely and reasonable person who understand what having a dog really mean - it's too rare

Plus, you are absolutely right not to want a dog imposed on you.

It would be totally different if your OH wanted you to accept HIS dog. (or a family dog, but not your responsibility)

Obbydoo · 23/03/2021 22:51

Absolutely you should not get a dog, it would be totally unfair on the dog.

Missing the point here but you are not stuck at home and you are free. Go and get a job if you want one.

FOJN · 23/03/2021 22:53

He wants a dog for you to look after and it's potentially cause for divorce if you don't agree.

I'd give him the divorce. I know some on MN say posters are too quick to give LTB advice but seriously some husband's/partners are so fucking entitled it seems the only reasonable thing to suggest. He's treating you like a utility not an equal.

tenlittlecygnets · 23/03/2021 22:55

What a selfish prick!! If he wants a dog, he can look after it. Yanbu at all.

Armi · 23/03/2021 22:57

Stick to your guns, OP.

GreatTeaMonkey · 23/03/2021 23:00

So he wants a dog on paper but the entire responsibility of looking after it would fall to you. Great, I can see why he wants a dog. Twat.

wonderstuff · 23/03/2021 23:02

YANBU at all! My family would be delighted with a dog, but I'd be the one doing all the looking after it and I simply don't want to so we won't be getting one. If dh finds himself in the position where he can look after one he can get one.

I think your dh needs to give his head a wobble.

seensome · 23/03/2021 23:03

YANBU you want your life back and to go to work, he works 60 hours a week, it wouldn't work. Just not wanting one is enough not to get one.
He doesn't think your well suited, what a bloody cheek! I wonder how well suited he'll be with a dog on his own.

minipie · 23/03/2021 23:05

He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog

WTAF?

How about, you’re not well suited because he appears to think of you as some sort of housekeeper?

Please don’t get a dog. YANBU at all.

Kokeshi123 · 23/03/2021 23:07
  1. Re the dog: absolutely do NOT get a dog if you, the primary parent at home, do not want it. You will be doing all the work. I know a couple of women who caved in this situation and they regret it now and resent the dog.
  1. To be honest, it sounds like a hypothetical dog is the least of your concerns right now. He's saying "He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog" and you are feeling you'd rather be out of the relationship now? Seems like there are bigger issues than pet ownership.
  1. I'd strongly recommend you get back into the workplace as soon as possible even if you are married, since you are having doubts about your relationship and it sounds like you resent being a SAHM and are not happy with this. But if you are not married (you used the phrase OH rather than DH or husband etc., so I am guessing this may be the case), it is really really important that you get back to work. Being an unmarried SAHM puts you in an extremely vulnerable situation, especially if your relationship is rocky anyway.
TheChosenTwo · 23/03/2021 23:07

YANBU at all.
He can have a bloody dog when he’s prepared to put the hours into having one and bringing it up responsibly.
Honestly all my family are nagging at me to get a dog and dh keep harking on about one too. But as it would all be down to me to do absolutely everything AND I DON’T WANT ONE, it’s a big fat no.
They are a commitment the same as any pet.
You’re right to say no.

amusedbush · 23/03/2021 23:10

Don't give in. DH and I both wanted a dog when we got ours and I absolutely adore him but we both agree that if we could go back in time, we wouldn't have got a dog in the first place. He'll be 8 this year (we got him as a puppy) and we have to factor him into pretty much everything we do. You lose so much freedom when you own a dog.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2021 23:13

What a dick. Has he threatened to dump you before when you’ve dared to say no to one of his bright ideas? Have you said no before...?

He means you’re not suited if you don’t just do what he says. I’d agree, he’s supposed to be your husband not your boss.

I adore my husband. I don’t like dogs. I mean I really really don’t like them. If he tried to insist we got one it would be over. And he works normal hours and would happily deal with the shit work. But I’m never having a dog. It’s a deal breaker.

ChazP · 23/03/2021 23:14

YANBU. I am desperate for a dog and at the moment I’m exclusively WFH, so could easily look after one. But this time next year I’ll be back to long hours away from home and it wouldn’t be fair to the dog to be left alone for long periods.

You are absolutely right to stick to your guns, given you’ll be the one stuck looking after it.

Gobbeldegook · 23/03/2021 23:16

Buy him a mug with a picture of a dog 🤣

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2021 23:17

Is he quite mad? Doesn’t 5ink you’re suited because you will be the one to look after it and you don’t really fancy that after years of coping solo with the kids (given he works 60+hours). I’d be brutal and tell him to go if that’s what he thinks. Wanker.

(Sorry, feeling very annoyed for you!)

WhatHappenedToThose · 23/03/2021 23:18

There are too many half-hearted dog owners in this country. Say no now, and prevent future heartache in so many ways. No, no, and no.

honeylulu · 23/03/2021 23:23

He's being ridiculous. But is he usually a bit controlling? Does he like to make clear that women should know their place? Because it sounds like he's realising when your youngest goes to school you will have some time to retrain, go back to work, have time to yourself and he wants to make sure you are tied to the house and chores.

honeylulu · 23/03/2021 23:25

Oh and when he says "we're not suited" he means you are supposed to do as you are told.

Floobydo · 23/03/2021 23:26

YANBU. He is being completely ridiculous. Saying it’s make or break... that’s not how relationships should work.

DH would love a dog. He’d also probably do most of the looking after. But I don’t want one. So we won’t get one because he respects my feelings and opinions.

I’d quite like another baby. DH really doesn’t. So we won’t have one and nor will it affect our relationship, because I respect his feelings and opinions.

Your DH is treating you horribly.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 23/03/2021 23:26

There's a circle of hell reserved especially for people who treat other people's time like it's their own. He does not get to decide that you'll spend hours a day looking after a pet.