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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want a dog but OH does... Aibu to say no?

67 replies

grannyinapram · 23/03/2021 22:36

Not now but in a couple of years when the kids are older, oh said he wants a dog. I don't want one. I've just spent 8 years at home looking after our children and in a few years when the youngest is at school and I finally have the freedom to work and stop being a sahm, he wants me to look after a dog.
He works long hours, 60+ hour weeks pluss staying away frequently so a dog would hardly touch his life. I would be the one who has to walk, feed, groom, clean up after the poor thing and quite frankly I don't want to.

I wouldn't mind adopting an older dog when the kids move out but a puppy needs time, and training. oh wouldn't be able to do it, work just wouldn't allow it. so it would fall to me.
I also wouldn't feel good about leaving a puppy at home alone all day so if we got one I still would have to put my life on hold for even longer.

He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog and to be honest id rather him fuck off now if being the mother to his children isn't enough without adding a bloody dog on top.

aibu to say no? I'm not saying never but I certainly don't want to be tied down with a dog after years of child rearing. when is my time? I can't be stuck at home being the caregiver forever. he's never done it so he doesn't know.
I've had dogs by the way- i don't want the extra work load

OP posts:
Muddycob · 23/03/2021 23:28

HmmThe time to decide that not suited due to differing desire to have pets, is while your dating. How would he look after this dog when he's single and away working anyway.

He could sign up to borrow my doggy , Cinnamon Trust or something if just wants to experience the odd walk per week, seeing as he expects to outsource the rest of the dog care to you. I wouldn't be surprised if he quickly see's the poor dog as a burden & loses interest when its eating into his own downtime.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 23/03/2021 23:35

YANBU
buy him a stuffed toy dog

indianelephant · 24/03/2021 01:21

Nope don't do it. My long term relationship ended with this being the main reason. 3 young kids and 10 years of my life. Him working. I gave in and got the puppy, and he wouldn't settle for a small dog. It ruined the house, I had no clue or enough time to train it. I had to try to look after it. It made me so miserable. In the end it was me or the dog and he chose the dog. I would never do it again.

ChiefBabySniffer · 24/03/2021 01:32

I have had dogs all my life. I'm now at the point where I can (could) go away and leave my late teen children for a few days. But 2 years ago my super responsible 15 year said " but muuuuuum. Ive always walked the dogs so this proves I can look after a rotty. ".

Disclaimer- we had that breed before and he did walk them. With his dad. Ten years ago. Turns out it's not so fun in the rain, alone, at 17.

Guess who now walks all 4 dogs alone in two shifts twice a day?

Never, ever believed anybody that says they will take responsibility for an animal unless they live alone. And even then, at least Google a rescue Center just in case.

Megan2018 · 24/03/2021 01:40

I’d divorce him. And then, when the kids are older, get a dog anyway. It’ll be better company than him when the children no longer need you.

Seriously though, definitely no dog. He’s a pillock.

Mintjulia · 24/03/2021 01:53

He's completely ridiculous. Tell him he can have one that HE walks, trains, feeds and cleans up for when he retires.

And if he would risk your marriage for it, tell him to bugger off now! You are not his house keeper or his kennel maid.

AnotherKrampus · 24/03/2021 02:11

I own and adore dogs but completely understand and agree with you. It sounds like he is trying to undermine your return to work and sounds quite controlling.

Suzi888 · 24/03/2021 02:14

@Kokeshi123

1. Re the dog: absolutely do NOT get a dog if you, the primary parent at home, do not want it. You will be doing all the work. I know a couple of women who caved in this situation and they regret it now and resent the dog.
  1. To be honest, it sounds like a hypothetical dog is the least of your concerns right now. He's saying "He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog" and you are feeling you'd rather be out of the relationship now? Seems like there are bigger issues than pet ownership.
  1. I'd strongly recommend you get back into the workplace as soon as possible even if you are married, since you are having doubts about your relationship and it sounds like you resent being a SAHM and are not happy with this. But if you are not married (you used the phrase OH rather than DH or husband etc., so I am guessing this may be the case), it is really really important that you get back to work. Being an unmarried SAHM puts you in an extremely vulnerable situation, especially if your relationship is rocky anyway.
^ this! Extremely unfair on the dog. What’s the point if he works 60 hours a week! Confused
WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2021 02:39

@grannyinapram

Not now but in a couple of years when the kids are older, oh said he wants a dog. I don't want one. I've just spent 8 years at home looking after our children and in a few years when the youngest is at school and I finally have the freedom to work and stop being a sahm, he wants me to look after a dog. He works long hours, 60+ hour weeks pluss staying away frequently so a dog would hardly touch his life. I would be the one who has to walk, feed, groom, clean up after the poor thing and quite frankly I don't want to.

I wouldn't mind adopting an older dog when the kids move out but a puppy needs time, and training. oh wouldn't be able to do it, work just wouldn't allow it. so it would fall to me.
I also wouldn't feel good about leaving a puppy at home alone all day so if we got one I still would have to put my life on hold for even longer.

He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog and to be honest id rather him fuck off now if being the mother to his children isn't enough without adding a bloody dog on top.

aibu to say no? I'm not saying never but I certainly don't want to be tied down with a dog after years of child rearing. when is my time? I can't be stuck at home being the caregiver forever. he's never done it so he doesn't know.
I've had dogs by the way- i don't want the extra work load

"He works long hours, 60+ hour weeks pluss staying away frequently so a dog would hardly touch his life. I would be the one who has to walk, feed, groom, clean up after the poor thing and quite frankly I don't want to." He is clearly not in a position to be a dog-owner. And given how little interaction he'd likely have with it, I really have to wonder about his motive. Does he see a sentient creature as some sort of accessory; wanting the 'right' breed of dog to match his car, his watch, his visible status symbols?

"He said he doesn't think we are well suited now I've said I don't want a dog and to be honest id rather him fuck off now if being the mother to his children isn't enough without adding a bloody dog on top."
Is he always this much of an arse? That is a gobsmacking thing to say to you. It's also very blatant emotional blackmail - is this normal for him? I'm seriously trying to get my head around the notion that anyone would say something like that to their spouse, and I'm struggling. That level of I-am-the-boss-of-you entitlement is off the chart. Tantrumming toddler, controlling husband, nervous breakdown, midlife crisis, personality disorder, psychopath - none of them are quite a fit for what he said to you, it is just - surreal.

LoveDrunk · 24/03/2021 02:54

Your husband is being ridiculous and immature.

We have dogs but I am at home most of the day, my partner always worked from home quite a lot even before covid and the kids do lots for the dogs as well. We all wanted dogs, if either me or my partner didn’t, the other would have accepted that. We all love the dogs, they’re the centre of our world and bring us all together but they require a lot of your time. We make sure they’re never left for more than a couple of hours so someone pretty much always has to be home. We’ve had 2 puppies from rescues and the work/time involved for the first year was more than having a newborn baby. One of them got very, very sick and the time they needed as well as the emotional and financial cost was huge.

You should only get a dog if you really are willing to work your life around them. Dogs aren’t something you have to amuse you in between work and your social life.

He’s right about one thing though, you’re not well suited. You sound sensible and he sounds like an immature, manipulative nobhead.

Shoxfordian · 24/03/2021 07:04

Yanbu at all
Your husband sounds really selfish

Roselilly36 · 24/03/2021 07:10

Definitely do not get a dog OP. Many people who really want a dog, struggle with dog ownership. It’s not easy, they are a tie, as well as all the benefits of course. But getting a dog is definitely something you both need to be onboard with, it just won’t work otherwise. It says a lot about your relationship, is your DH always such a bully? Completely unacceptable to pressure you in this way.

WildfirePonie · 24/03/2021 07:11

Erm.. just no! WHY does he get to have a dog but you do ALL the work? If he ever comes home with a dog just refuse to do anything. Not your dog, not your problem. He is being ridiculous.

Eddielzzard · 24/03/2021 07:14

WTAF?! What an arsehole!

Cynical, but the timing is a bit off isn't it. As soon as you get some space to resume your life he lumps you with a puppy so you're stuck again. And if you don't jump at the chance to put your life on hold you're 'not well suited'??

Well I can think of a few other reasons you're not well suited.

Theunamedcat · 24/03/2021 07:15

Is he trying to keep you as a sahm? Will you going back to work kick his ego?

Reddotimbusy · 24/03/2021 07:20

Not unreasonable at all. I adopted a senior with cancer last year and whilst she’s undoubtedly far less work than a younger dog, there is still that constant tie that impacts you. I love my girl to bits and am happy she’s had a very comfortable and spoilt twilight but she’s very near the end of her life now but I won’t be getting another after she’s passed, I need a bit of freedom.

If my partner made this a bone of contention then I’d ditch him. No kids or shared assets with him though so easy for me to say

funtimefrank · 24/03/2021 07:37

Dds and I want a dog. Dh doesn't. The majority of the care would fall to him as he is home full time.

We aren't getting a dog. It wouldn't be fair to him or the dog. No resentment from us.

MazekeenSmith · 24/03/2021 07:39

He doesn't want a dog, he wants you to have a dog that he can enjoy a bit

YANBU what a selfish prick

LannieDuck · 24/03/2021 07:48

It sounds like he wants to keep you at home rather than you going back to work.

If you're not married, I'd look into getting back to work asap. Do you have equal access to his finances?

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 24/03/2021 07:49

Stay firm and do not get a dog. You don’t want one and it’s ok not to want that hassle. He can join a dog walking service and walk someone else’s on his day off if he’s that bothered.

GreatTeaMonkey · 24/03/2021 08:00

Agree with others, it does feel like he’s trying to keep you at home.

picklemewalnuts · 24/03/2021 08:33

I was ready to ask you to consider a dog, as our relationship was the other way around. I didn't work 60hour weeks and expect someone else to be the main dog person though.

He's very very unreasonable. I'd ditch him. What a horrible man.

JustNotFunAnymore · 24/03/2021 08:47

My friend gave in because she was promised she would have the minimal to do as her fiancée would do it all. He barely has anything to do other than cuddles at the end of the day and if she brings it up he goes mad saying he works longer hours than her so it's not his fault.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 24/03/2021 08:55

He thinks you're not well suited because of a difference of opinion on pets? What a nob. Maybe you aren't well suited because you sound sensible and realistic and he sounds like a selfish dick.
He is not saying he wants to get a dog. He us saying you wants you, and solely you, to do an absolute shit load of work to facilitate him going for a walk at the weekend with a dog and throwing a few sticks. If that's what he wants then sign him up for borrow my dog or something.

Does he normally over react and threaten to end the relationship if he doesnt get his own way? Would he be getting up in the night with the dog, cleaning up accidents, taking it to puppy training, training at home, arranging kennels when you're away, arranging dog daycare and walkers if you went back to work, buying food etc? I think the answer is no to all of them so why on earth does he think he would et an equal say? Because he brings in the money and thats more important than your time? Was he a fully involved father, doing night feeds and nappy changes etc? If not then if he coukdnt with his own children why would it be any different with a dog.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 24/03/2021 08:56

@JustNotFunAnymore your friend should NOT have a baby with this man