He's lying to me isn't he?

[nc103]

I have name changed as I've been a mumsnetter for years.

My ex H and I still live together (our rental agreement runs out in June, made sense financially to stay put, amicable split, separate bedrooms, no problems etc).

I'm 30 and got chatting to a 31 year old through a social media app, I'll call him Alex.

So Alex is a brand ambassador from which I was purchasing using his discount code (available for everyone) and he messaged me one day just how are you etc. Told me he had split from his fiancée was still living there whilst saving for his own place and has 2 kids age 8 and 3. He works nights, states he sleeps in bed with his 3 year old son when he has the night off etc. Had no reason to disbelieve him as ultimately I am in the same position but with no DC.

We connected mentally, messages turned to phone calls and what not and after 5 months we were supposed to meet (when restaurants etc were re-opened) for lunch. He cancelled on me twice (his child was ill, understandable) then he had to work (I was a bit annoyed this time, but again understood he wanted extra cash for his DS birthday that was around the corner).

His ex works for a phone company and his contract is under her name so she can see any numbers etc. Therefore, he will only ring through WhatsApp not regular call, he will only message through the app, no texting, he has to call me first etc.

Anyway, he told me last week they're going on holiday in August in the UK, it had been booked before they split and kept being moved due to covid, again said he was going for the kids.

All of her profiles are on private so I cannot see anything of hers apart from her recent business page where Alex's sister and mother still refer to her as "sister in law" "daughter in law".

I do not want to break a family up, I don't want to be "the other woman" that is not who I am. I haven't bought up that I can see her business page as I don't want it to look like I'm stalking (I am because I have a gut feeling!). He'd previously told me she is close with his family still.

Please somebody just tell me that I'm not being irrational and confirm these are major red flags because when I speak to him, I laugh, I'm happy and I'm so confused.

I'm being an idiot aren't I?

I don't want to be "the other woman" that is not who I am

It sounds very much like that’s exactly who you are. Wise up.

I would cool it untill both of you are in positions where you arent living with exes. When does he plan on moving out?

It would seem he isn’t single. Sorry op.

Yeah he is prob lying to you tbh. The phone stuff is very dodge.

Why not wait until you actually have your own place to date. And don't date this guy!

It doesnt look good.

I think you should tell him you need to cool it until both of you are not living with ex partners. His response will probably tell you what you need to know, but FTR I agree with AnyFucker.

I would be surprised if Alex is even really Alex.

Have you seen him on video call? Are you sure he is who he says? Does he pick up whenever you call or is he shifty about timings?

AnyFucker has been on here for years and is pretty much always right. Always.

If you're both living with other people albeit "for convenience" I'd be wary

Has he ascertained this information from somewhere and homes in on you to make conversation and potentially pose a danger financially/ mentally or physically to you would be my biggest worry

Focus on yourself, get moved into your own place and find your own feet don't be in a rush to move on - have some time out

And definitely don't invite "Alex" to your house or anywhere not public she/he/they could be absolutely anyone

Please be careful

They haven't split, he's having his cake and eating it.

AnyFucker has it.

We have video called, he is who he says he is (pictures all over his social media and also pictures of him with the company etc).

I messaged him first a year before just asking about the product etc. Then he messaged me out the blue one day.

I had no reason to disbelieve the situation as I'm the same however I do not hide anything so if he calls I answer it, ex H and I are friends and although I don't rub it in his face, he and I both agreed we could move on if somebody found another as long as it wasn't disrespectful (having them in the house etc, before covid put a stop to that anyway!). I leave my phone around when messages from him come in etc I have nothing to hide.

I'm not allowed to call him first, I can only message him via social media and he put it all down to respecting her as the Mother of his kids and to stop her kicking off as she didn't want to split. I was in quite a deep depression when we started talking and just think I've been blind to it.

I want to message her but I don't want to break a family up, if they are together I've hurt her and his kids which is something that I'd never want to do and if they aren't and she tells him, I look like a bit of a psycho so can't win really.

I agree with you all, I'm going to tell him until he's moved etc I can't put myself in emotionally anymore.

Thank you everyone.

@tiredmum2468 I doubt he has done that as I keep my private life away from social media. I don't post about my marriage or split or anything like that. I deleted facebook a few years ago as found it draining etc.

Thank you for your honest @AnyFucker

I'm being an idiot aren't I?

Yes.

@Aimee1987 he says he will have enough savings to buy after the holiday.

@starfishmummy I needed that to have the kick up the arse to call it off 😂

What Anyfucker said.

Yep he’s lying, else why can’t you call him?

Just move on.

Even if he is exactly who he says and his living situation is entirely legit, the fact you are not allowed to call him first just feels like too much hassle. Why does he get to decide when he has time for you? Don't be available the next couple of times he calls and see what he does.

Or don't, and just bin him off.

But I would say he is very likely to be lying as to his marital status and who needs that kind of hassle. I wouldn't bother messaging the wife, I'd just block him.

here's a nice coffee, please, please wake up and smell it!!!!

I doubt he's telling you the truth. I also doubt you're the only one he's chatting to after randomly contacting them when they've purchased from his brand.

It just sounds like a load of nonsense. I couldn't be doing with sneaking around.

Sorry but you are the other woman. Except you've never actually met in real life 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've called it off, I sent a message saying I can't do this all the time we live with other people/COVID etc. Wished him well and left it at that.