He's lying to me isn't he?

[nc103]

I have name changed as I've been a mumsnetter for years.

My ex H and I still live together (our rental agreement runs out in June, made sense financially to stay put, amicable split, separate bedrooms, no problems etc).

I'm 30 and got chatting to a 31 year old through a social media app, I'll call him Alex.

So Alex is a brand ambassador from which I was purchasing using his discount code (available for everyone) and he messaged me one day just how are you etc. Told me he had split from his fiancée was still living there whilst saving for his own place and has 2 kids age 8 and 3. He works nights, states he sleeps in bed with his 3 year old son when he has the night off etc. Had no reason to disbelieve him as ultimately I am in the same position but with no DC.

We connected mentally, messages turned to phone calls and what not and after 5 months we were supposed to meet (when restaurants etc were re-opened) for lunch. He cancelled on me twice (his child was ill, understandable) then he had to work (I was a bit annoyed this time, but again understood he wanted extra cash for his DS birthday that was around the corner).

His ex works for a phone company and his contract is under her name so she can see any numbers etc. Therefore, he will only ring through WhatsApp not regular call, he will only message through the app, no texting, he has to call me first etc.

Anyway, he told me last week they're going on holiday in August in the UK, it had been booked before they split and kept being moved due to covid, again said he was going for the kids.

All of her profiles are on private so I cannot see anything of hers apart from her recent business page where Alex's sister and mother still refer to her as "sister in law" "daughter in law".

I do not want to break a family up, I don't want to be "the other woman" that is not who I am. I haven't bought up that I can see her business page as I don't want it to look like I'm stalking (I am because I have a gut feeling!). He'd previously told me she is close with his family still.

Please somebody just tell me that I'm not being irrational and confirm these are major red flags because when I speak to him, I laugh, I'm happy and I'm so confused.

I'm being an idiot aren't I?

Trust your instincts

Once, I was involved with someone who was a bit secretive at times. With hindsight, whilst I do believe he was separated, I feel I was still a bit of a secret, and It's not a nice feeling

Better to be with someone who is proud to be sen in public with yiu

Good move

Don’t be anyone’s secret. If they can’t be open and honest with everyone, there is a reason for that. And it’s not going to be good for you.

Even if he isn't lying, this is way too much bullshit to be bothered with.

I do think it's unfair that people claim the man is lying (he probably is) yet the OP is in exactly the same situation bar the holiday. What makes one rather than the other more or less trustworthy? Who knows, maybe he has doubts about the OP telling the truth?

I believe the OP, but what makes the old 'man living separately but with his ex' less trustworthy than the old 'woman living separately but with her ex'? And how many times have we read on here how spouses had decided to split but took that last holiday with their kids that was pre-arranged? It just seems like double standards to me, because except for the holiday, both OP and the guy are in exactly the same situation.

OP says she doesn't have social media so the other man can't confirm one way or another if she is genuine. But people ignore that. It's double standards. How is the other man to know OP is genuine and not looking to have an affair?

I'm 30 and got chatting to a 31 year old through a social media app, I'll call him Alex.

Did he reply @nc103

Well done OP. Because yes, there are massive huge flapping red flags all over this one. I'm 99% certain his wife has no idea that they are supposedly separated. But even in the 1% chance he's telling the truth, any man who needs you to contact him via some social media app and then wait for him to deign to call you via WhatsApp at his convenience is not a man you want in your life long term. No matter what.

Been there, done that many years ago. A family holiday, booked before the "decision to separate" and gone through with just "for the kids", was when the lies started to unravel.

They're still together.

I admire your resolve, but don't be surprised if he makes attempts to keep things going, OP.

Reading your op made my toes curl. You are the ow. You can’t ring him first, kid was sick twice, will only communicate via WhatsApp as ex works for a mobile company 🚩🚩🚩

Hopefully this is a lesson learned OP... I'm honestly shocked at the initial naïveté. Everything he said was literal textbook man-cheating-on-partner

I had no reason to not believe him in the beginning.

These have all been red flags since about 2 months in.

I don't have Facebook but I have Instagram which me and my ex husband still follow each other on, "Alex" follows me as I do him (he only posts about the brand and pictures with his children). He knows my ex's name so I'm sure he's looked his profile up and seen that there are no pictures of us etc.

I've no secrecy here.

Anyway, I called it off, woke up to a message this morning saying he's disappointed but understands and hopefully he said when restrictions are lifted and he's got his own place we can meet. If there ever comes a time when that happens then I will assess the situation then, as explained in my PP, I am moving out in June anyway.

I have no plans to reply, will leave it at that. Thank you everyone.

Also I've never cheated or been cheated on so yes I maybe was a little naive, I'm not denying that. Now that I've realised that all is maybe not how it seems, I've called it off.

I feel like you know already in your gut otherwise you wouldn't be looking for reassurance. Hope your ok!

He sounds delightful, his poor kids

You are still living with your ex and going through a divorce? Assumed because you mention H. Aren't you exhausted, tired enough from that alone to be walking into such a mess?? You are barely out of one situation and heading off into something complicated. Take some time out to be alone and decide what you want.

Glad you’ve wised up. To an outsider’s point of view, it is blatantly obvious he was still with his wife.

I'm not allowed to call him first, I can only message him via social media and he put it all down to respecting her as the Mother of his kids and to stop her kicking off as she didn't want to split

@Cokie3, you're ignoring that it's him cancelling public meetings and putting restrictions on phone calls. They aren't both setting suspicious rules, only him.

I believe the OP, but what makes the old 'man living separately but with his ex' less trustworthy than the old 'woman living separately but with her ex'?

It’s not the still living with his ex, it’s the not being able to phone him, needing to contact him via SM and wait til he can speak to her, it’s the putting off meeting up - whether he’s still in a relationship with his ex or not, she’s clearly enmeshed in his life (still referred to as daughter in law, paying for his phone meaning he can’t use it freely). It sounds dodgy as fuck.

If he’s above board, they can reconnect once he’s moved out and can be more open. A secret relationship is never secret for a good reason.

@Justmuddlingalong

I doubt he's telling you the truth. I also doubt you're the only one he's chatting to after randomly contacting them when they've purchased from his brand.

This ^

I think he’s throwing nets out all over the place.

I messaged him first a year before just asking about the product etc. Then he messaged me out the blue one day

Bored with his family life...went through his messages to find someone to entertain him and stroke his ego.

I've heard all those lines before. He has a family.

Plenty of red flags there (not to mention that he has two children, why would you want to be saddled with that?), in fact tons of red flags. You've never met him so why worry? Clicking with someone online does not mean you will 'click' in real life as so many have discovered.

I think you've done the right thing. My ex was involved with other women, just like this. He told them we were separated but he couldn't leave because I was a "head case", yet I was totally oblivious, thinking I had a lovely husband and breastfeeding our new born at the time!

I'm not allowed to call him first

Huge red flag! well done for calling it off OP

@Serendipity79

I think you've done the right thing. My ex was involved with other women, just like this. He told them we were separated but he couldn't leave because I was a "head case", yet I was totally oblivious, thinking I had a lovely husband and breastfeeding our new born at the time!

That is awful, Serendipity. How on earth did you get over it?