Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teacher shouldn't be discussing child with others before me

53 replies

Sue81 · 22/03/2021 18:34

Genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable to feel a bit annoyed about this so perfectly willing to be told I am! DD (6 years old) was in link club after school today - separate organisation not attached to the school so they collect her from school and take her to the club. When I arrived at link club this evening after work, one of their workers told me that when she arrived at school the teacher pulled her aside to discuss DD's behaviour. This seems to have been relatively minor things ie not saying what lunch she wanted and moments of not listening in class. I'm sure that was annoying for the teacher but it seems that it could have waited til I was on drop off next (tomorrow) or they could have called or emailed me if they felt it was that urgent. AIBU to think the teacher overstepped a bit here by asking someone else to speak to me about DD?

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 22/03/2021 18:38

Sorry I'm not clear on this - was it a handover between two professionals, or the teacher telling the club staff to let you know something about your child?

tttigress · 22/03/2021 18:42

What's link club? Maybe the teacher thought they were acting as a guardian and need to know?

In fact surely whoever picks you DD up is acting as a guardian? It is not as if random people are allowed to pick your DD up.

Thatwentbadly · 22/03/2021 18:45

What was happening? Was the teacher raising concerns? As in Anne has been acting a little different today please keep an eye on her.

tttigress · 22/03/2021 18:45

Having said that I do think you may have some what of a point, I have seen cases where one teacher / teaching assistant takes an opinion on a child, and then feels to need to inform everyone else. Which creates a situation where a child can't escape from a percivide reputation.

B33Fr33 · 22/03/2021 18:45

Is the teacher aware that the collecting person is not a family member or Child minder or has the teacher not got the time to memorize the weekly pattern of every family?!

LadyCatStark · 22/03/2021 18:46

Unless you’ve given permission for this, YANBU.

lilyboleyn · 22/03/2021 18:47

If they’re minor things the teacher asked the club staff to let you know because it’s minor and it isn’t a big deal. This is normal in primary schools.
If your child had been kicking or swearing or bullying and the teacher had asked club staff to have a word, that would have been out of order.

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 18:48

@HoneysuckIejasmine

Sorry I'm not clear on this - was it a handover between two professionals, or the teacher telling the club staff to let you know something about your child?
Sorry - the teacher asked the link club worker to pass on the message to me about DD at school. I'm not sure why she felt the need to do that rather than speak to me directly. Think the link club worker felt a bit awkward at having to tell me
OP posts:
Wigglegiggle0520 · 22/03/2021 18:50

I think it’s unprofessional OP. Naturally you’ll have questions and need context which the link worker cannot give you. It would have been better coming directly from the teacher in my opinion. I think if I’d been the link worker I’d have asked the teacher to contact you directly.

KarenMarlow3 · 22/03/2021 18:50

You were picking up your child after her day at school. You were not available at school pick up time, so the teacher was letting the after school teacher know about the events, so that she could then tell you what had happened. What else could the teacher do, if she wasn't going to see you at school home time?

KarenMarlow3 · 22/03/2021 18:51

The teacher couldn't speak to you directly, if you weren't there.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/03/2021 18:51

Does the teacher know this is a club, and not a nanny or something who gets your DD every day or most days? Because if she does then YANBU.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 22/03/2021 18:56

The teacher really shouldn't have done this. it's one thing to let the club leader know if your child has been tearful or fell over at playtime, has been saying they're tired, etc, but they shouldn't just tell anyone that your daughter's been naughty. She could easily have emailed or phoned you if you had to know this evening rather than pass it on through various people. I'd ask her not to do that again. I'm a teacher and I wouldn't dream of doing this.

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 18:56

@Thatwentbadly

What was happening? Was the teacher raising concerns? As in Anne has been acting a little different today please keep an eye on her.
Apparently she wouldn't say what lunch she wanted and wasn't listening at some points. The message as passed to me wasn't that she was concerned as such, more just highlighting that DD had been a bit silly. But again, I was only getting the information second hand. If the teacher was concerned I would have thought she would have come to me directly.
OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 22/03/2021 19:03

It would have been reasonable if it was a written note in a sealed envelope. I might be annoyed by an oral message if it's a different organization. I would not feel the same if the teacher had told another teacher or a TA if you were picking up from school but she wasn't going to be available so it may depend a bit on how close the tow organization work together, though legal and professional standards probably don't have that sort of fuzziness.

From your description of the message - minor acting up - I don't think there would be much point in informing you the next day. It's the sort of thing that's almost always useful immediately if it's going to be useful at all or that's only going to be important if it's part of a bigger pattern. So I see why she didn't want to wait until she saw you.

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 19:03

@KarenMarlow3

You were picking up your child after her day at school. You were not available at school pick up time, so the teacher was letting the after school teacher know about the events, so that she could then tell you what had happened. What else could the teacher do, if she wasn't going to see you at school home time?
They have all my contact information so could have called or emailed me if they needed to. It just didn't seem so urgent that it couldn't have waited til the next time she saw me.
OP posts:
Stichintime · 22/03/2021 19:07

I think this is ok amongst professionals? Maybe she was warning the other working your DD was being a bit silly? Worth a quick mention at hometime, not serious enough for an email?

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 19:09

Thanks to everyone for your replies, its much appreciated. I'm a bit stressed at the minute (who isn't?) so not sure if I'm overthinking things/over reacting so its always useful to have some other perspectives x

OP posts:
millymoo1202 · 22/03/2021 19:15

I can’t see why this would even need to be raised with the parent if I’m honest, they’ve just had 3 months off school so I’d expect little ones to take a while to adjust back, different if she’d been really naughty or cheeky

partyatthepalace · 22/03/2021 19:15

Yep that’s unprofessional (and lazy) - flag it

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/03/2021 19:15

Was it a concern about eating/selecting lunches rather than behaviour. Maybe making the club worker aware your DD may be hungry? It seems a very low level thing to pass on at all. I'm sure if every teacher spoke to the parents eveytime a child wasn't listening or didn't respond quickly enough they'd get little else done in a day Hmm (although I may have picked this up wrongly).

SplendidSuns1000 · 22/03/2021 19:16

I think it's definitely not appropriate. The teacher could've sent an email/left a voicemail for you if it was a serious matter, but a child being a bit silly in class isn't even worth mentioning during handover at the normal end of a school day? Unless your daughter was in serious trouble, was very upset or had misplaced something, it's entirely unnecessary to pass a message along like that.

Don't question your feelings on a situation, even though you're stressed you knew that this felt wrong. Don't underestimate yourself!

Whatamess666 · 22/03/2021 19:16

I wonder the context too. I'd pass on unexpected behaviour to the next person responsible for the care of that child. It wouldn't be 'telling on' it would be informing a care giver of a situation that had arisen in my care so that any further behaviour is part of a wider picture. I believe it would be horribly irresponsible to not join up dots.

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 19:27

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

Was it a concern about eating/selecting lunches rather than behaviour. Maybe making the club worker aware your DD may be hungry? It seems a very low level thing to pass on at all. I'm sure if every teacher spoke to the parents eveytime a child wasn't listening or didn't respond quickly enough they'd get little else done in a day Hmm (although I may have picked this up wrongly).
In terms of the food she was being silly saying it was a secret then whispering it apparently but she must have said it eventually as she got the food and ate it without issue. She's always a good eater at least!
OP posts:
Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 19:33

@Whatamess666

I wonder the context too. I'd pass on unexpected behaviour to the next person responsible for the care of that child. It wouldn't be 'telling on' it would be informing a care giver of a situation that had arisen in my care so that any further behaviour is part of a wider picture. I believe it would be horribly irresponsible to not join up dots.
I absolutely agree that concerns/safeguarding issues etc should be shared. But unless there is something I'm missing or not being told there is no other context than her being a bit silly. Not a very regular occurrence for her but not unheard of, so not behaviour thats really unusual if that makes sense?
OP posts: