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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teacher shouldn't be discussing child with others before me

53 replies

Sue81 · 22/03/2021 18:34

Genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable to feel a bit annoyed about this so perfectly willing to be told I am! DD (6 years old) was in link club after school today - separate organisation not attached to the school so they collect her from school and take her to the club. When I arrived at link club this evening after work, one of their workers told me that when she arrived at school the teacher pulled her aside to discuss DD's behaviour. This seems to have been relatively minor things ie not saying what lunch she wanted and moments of not listening in class. I'm sure that was annoying for the teacher but it seems that it could have waited til I was on drop off next (tomorrow) or they could have called or emailed me if they felt it was that urgent. AIBU to think the teacher overstepped a bit here by asking someone else to speak to me about DD?

OP posts:
Skysblue · 22/03/2021 19:35

Yabu. The message from the teacher is obviously “your child was being a total dick today can you talk to her and try to figure out why / tell her off.” If the teacher waits another day to talk to you, she has another day of your child being a dick.

Maybe focus on your child’s bad behaviour/ your parenting instead of nitpicking at others eh.

Pumperthepumper · 22/03/2021 19:38

I think either your child’s behaviour is poor enough that she’s feels it’s worth raising it with you, or it isn’t. And if it isn’t, she definitely shouldn’t be telling a third party about it.

sherrystrull · 22/03/2021 19:39

@partyatthepalace

Yep that’s unprofessional (and lazy) - flag it
Ffs.

It's not unprofessional or lazy.

Op, I think speak to the school and explain that in future you'd rather they came directly to you rather than through the club. I also think refusing to choose a dinner and not listening at points in schools requires a little chat with your daughter about expectations at school after lockdown. They are minor issues but can be easily sorted without concern.

Pumperthepumper · 22/03/2021 19:39

@Skysblue

Yabu. The message from the teacher is obviously “your child was being a total dick today can you talk to her and try to figure out why / tell her off.” If the teacher waits another day to talk to you, she has another day of your child being a dick.

Maybe focus on your child’s bad behaviour/ your parenting instead of nitpicking at others eh.

The teacher could have phoned the OP. No need to involve anyone else.
GreyTS · 22/03/2021 19:41

@Skysblue

Yabu. The message from the teacher is obviously “your child was being a total dick today can you talk to her and try to figure out why / tell her off.” If the teacher waits another day to talk to you, she has another day of your child being a dick.

Maybe focus on your child’s bad behaviour/ your parenting instead of nitpicking at others eh.

Um, isn't this a 6 year old? Who actually calls a 6 year old a bit of a dick?? What's wrong with you? OP, yep seems like something you would mention to a parent, but not appropriate to involve a 3rd party, not sure I'd actually do or say anything though, maybe if it happened again
m0therofdragons · 22/03/2021 19:41

When I had a child minder collect dc the teachers emailed me rather than tell the cm unless it was about an injury. I’d raise it with the teacher.

The person collecting should be professional but with other dc to deal with and time passing it’s a bit like Chinese whispers so unreliable imo.

m0therofdragons · 22/03/2021 19:43

Maybe focus on your child’s bad behaviour/ your parenting instead of nitpicking at others eh.

Hard to do that when the teacher hasn’t raised it with the parent. All dc have moments of behaving like a dick, as do adults (perfect example of this in the post above).

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 19:45

And I have addressed it with my daughter as I absolutely get that not choosing food and probably holding up the queue and not listening is bad behaviour. I'm not suggesting at all that she wasn't being naughty (think calling her a dick is a bit harsh perhaps!) more the appropriateness of the teacher asking the link club worker to tell me rather than coming to me directly

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/03/2021 19:45

TBH as a teacher I have done this, or similar. Eg if a grandparent has collected a child and I needed to let the parent know that child had not had a good day, or actually had had a great day, I’d speak to the grandparent. But I can see why you might be annoyed. Teacher couldn’t tell you because you weren’t there at pick up. Presumably they couldn’t phone you because you were at work? Out of interest, if your child went to breakfast club and was feeling a bit off one morning, would you ask the breakfast club staff to pass on a message to the teacher, or would you ring the teacher directly?
Perhaps you could let the teacher know that you’d prefer it if they contacted you directly if there’s been an issue in school in future.

SeasonFinale · 22/03/2021 19:49

Are you sure that the teacher intended the club worker to pass it and it wasn't just a warning to the club that your DD was being hard work today?

Perhaps the club worker got the wrong end of the stick that the warning was for them rather than to be reported to you.

Ilovesandwiches · 22/03/2021 19:52

I work in a nursery, which is on the school site and we have afterschool club come over to us. We are not connected to the school, we are separate, just on the school grounds.

Something like this I wouldn’t really expect the teacher to ask me to hand over, This is more of a simple discussion between a parent and teacher possibly on drop off the next day? Or maybe a little note for the teacher to pass on? It would usually just be bigger things or telling us about accidents for us to be aware of and be able to let parents know too
But I completely get that every teacher works differently and I can only speak for what I’ve experienced myself :)

Original poster
Sue81 · 22/03/2021 19:55

Any messages for teachers we are asked to email the school office directly

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/03/2021 19:58

No, I would not have done this when I was teaching. If a family member like a Grandparent picks up, then yes, I'd pass on a reasonably trivial bit of silliness. But unless it was likely to impact the after-school club carer, no. It's not their business, nor is it their job to be a go-between, and I'd have written in the home/school book.

StanfordPines · 22/03/2021 20:03

Sorry - the teacher asked the link club worker to pass on the message to me about DD at school. I'm not sure why she felt the need to do that rather than speak to me directly.

The teacher couldn’t talk to you directly as you weren’t there. It sounds like DD was just in a bit of a silly mood, nothing serious and nothing worth the need to phone, when you were presumably at work, or an email.

Pumperthepumper · 22/03/2021 20:07

@StanfordPines

Sorry - the teacher asked the link club worker to pass on the message to me about DD at school. I'm not sure why she felt the need to do that rather than speak to me directly.

The teacher couldn’t talk to you directly as you weren’t there. It sounds like DD was just in a bit of a silly mood, nothing serious and nothing worth the need to phone, when you were presumably at work, or an email.

But worth mentioning it to someone else?
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/03/2021 20:11

"Tell the Mum from me t hat DD was being silly today and messed about when choosing food which she then ate."

Seems totally trivial to me. I'd definitely speak to the teech at the next opportunity.
What outcome was the teacher hoping for?
Going from a long day at school to an afterschool club isn't a great time to get told off by the next carer for something you did earlier in the day.

StanfordPines · 22/03/2021 20:15

But worth mentioning it to someone else?

Yes, when that person is caring for that child for the next hour or so.

Pumperthepumper · 22/03/2021 20:18

@StanfordPines

But worth mentioning it to someone else?

Yes, when that person is caring for that child for the next hour or so.

The child’s behaviour had nothing to do with the after school arrangements though.
BackforGood · 22/03/2021 20:47

Apparently she wouldn't say what lunch she wanted and wasn't listening at some points. The message as passed to me wasn't that she was concerned as such, more just highlighting that DD had been a bit silly.

I'd read that as the teacher just saying "Might want to keep an eye on her today, and mention to Mum she's been a bit out of sorts" in a in case she is coming down with something type of way, rather than a 'here's a list of her misdemeanours' sort of a way. Nothing she wanted to make formal, just a comment in passing. She would presume, if you are paying for wrap around care that you are working and there was nothing there serious enough to disturb your working day, but, many of us, as parents, would like to know if our dc were a bit out of sorts.

StanfordPines · 22/03/2021 21:00

The child’s behaviour had nothing to do with the after school arrangements though.

Yes it does. Someone is going to be caring for this child for an hour or so, they need to know if she has been out of sorts.

Pumperthepumper · 22/03/2021 21:01

@StanfordPines

The child’s behaviour had nothing to do with the after school arrangements though.

Yes it does. Someone is going to be caring for this child for an hour or so, they need to know if she has been out of sorts.

Except the issue was she hadn’t answered properly when asked what she wanted for lunch and general silliness.

It’s either worth talking to her parents or it isn’t.

Hoppythehippo · 22/03/2021 21:08

That’s the kind of triviality I expect school to just deal with at the time. I don’t need to know every single tiny thing they’ve done wrong, and definitely not via a third party. Just impose the usual consequence (so I would suggest sending her to the back of the lunch line until she’s ready to talk) and move on. What do you want me to do about it 5 hours later?

And before you jump on me, I’m “that parent” of “that child” (with SEN) who at one point was having almost daily “little chats” with child’s teacher. I supported them imposing the consequences they did, we worked together, arranged support and child’s behaviour now very good. We rarely need chats now. All good. But that was about significant problems, emotional distress, injuries and complete defiance, not “whispering what they wanted for lunch”.

All that said OP, I’d just forget it. It’s not worth making a fuss about unless it becomes a regular thing.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 22/03/2021 21:15

@BackforGood

Apparently she wouldn't say what lunch she wanted and wasn't listening at some points. The message as passed to me wasn't that she was concerned as such, more just highlighting that DD had been a bit silly.

I'd read that as the teacher just saying "Might want to keep an eye on her today, and mention to Mum she's been a bit out of sorts" in a in case she is coming down with something type of way, rather than a 'here's a list of her misdemeanours' sort of a way. Nothing she wanted to make formal, just a comment in passing. She would presume, if you are paying for wrap around care that you are working and there was nothing there serious enough to disturb your working day, but, many of us, as parents, would like to know if our dc were a bit out of sorts.

That's exactly how I'd see it too. Not serious enough to warrant a phone call home or an email, but just 'she doesn't seem herself today, so keep an eye on her in case she does seem unwell/tired & perhaps mention it to Mum?.' Definitely not a Naughty Child badge of shame. I'd be glad that the teacher bothered to pass the information on in a fairly informal way. It's not like she stood out in the playground and gossiped with other parents about 'ooh DD was so badly behaved today, I've made sure to tell everyone about her.'
PurpleWh1teGreen · 22/03/2021 21:16

^not saying what lunch she wanted and moments of not listening in class
^
I don't think my response to hearing those concerns about my child would be to be moaning about the Teacher on Mumsnet.

greeneyedlulu · 22/03/2021 21:28

In the grand scheme of life its really not a problem, is it really?? A 6 year old not listening a couple of time in the afternoon and the teacher spoke to the person who picked her up..... her head didn't fall off. Sorry but I think your over reacting.