To not support dh's career move? And feel hurt...

I personally think he’s selfish- sorry but with three young kids a giant recession on the horizon you keep the well paid job with security. As for a crash pad away from the household it would be a no from me, in fact I’d tell him that if that’s what he’s after he could make that move permanently in the form of a divorce.

Have you talked to him, in a non confrontational way, about what the implications are for you?

What are the positives of this move apart from the job? Will there be more space for the kids, more opportunities for other work - also is he the sole wage earner?

17 weeks is relatively short term still - but the caravan idea does appear ill thought out unless he's actually done it before? But if he is bringing in less money AND you need to have two households for a while its going to pile the pressure on, do you have savings to lean on short/medium term?

Is he talking about this as a temporary measure whilst you sell your house and move or permanently?

YANBU. This is completely unacceptable. He is essentially choosing to be a part-time family member. We all have dream jobs etc but he needs to live in the real world.

YADNBU I am usually a huge advocate of spouses supporting career changes. Its been a feature of my life in different ways but this is completely different.

I absolutely understand how awful a job you hate can be (seriously one of mine landed me in hospital with a stroke....specific to me OP , I'm not for a moment suggesting that its a common thing) but my god what he is suggesting has a huge impact on your family and it sounds like he is not considering this at all.

Look its wonderful to have a job you love and it should be the aspiration but sometimes as part of a family you have to consider what will affect everyone. I literally two days ago turned down a job I would love because the childcare pressure on everyone else would be beyond unbearable. Sometimes its not about sacrifice ,its about not wanting your family to suffer for your choices.

I don't resent my family for making that choice because I do not want to put them through the stress and challenge of it. In reality I will take another job offered that may not be ideal for me personally but will be the best compromise.

I am all for supporting dreams but he has to meet you half way and support you. This would be a serious sit down discussion for us. Both DP and I have both gone for the gold so to speak and the other has supported them but likewise sometimes we have had to decide the family interests were more important.

Say something. Seriously. His decisions are hugely impacting you. There's a fine line between support and being walked over (sorry that's a bit harsh but you see what I mean ).

3 kids, 2 very young and one struggling with mental health problems and he wants to take himself off to live elsewhere half the week. He’s taking the piss.

3 nights will turn into 4, into 5. The cheap caravan will turn into a cheap flat because why not buy something small and cheap, it’s not like you’ve got a mortgage in your home.

Nope.

I’d be telling him that the only reason to come home each week is to pick up the kids for his 3 nights, while I have my turn for a break.

@Peppery123

YANBU at ALL.

Some men do love to check out of family commitments and duties don't they?

I have known many a man suddenly have to work a lot, or suddenly find a job that is 100 miles away, or suddenly get a promotion that takes them away from the home and family for 3-4 days at a time. They usually take on new hobbies that take them away a lot too ...(away from pulling their weight around the house, and with childcare.)

Then when the kids leave home, they get a job with less hours (or cut the hours of their current job) and you can't get them out of the house!

Boils my piss it really does, how some men find it so easy to shirk their responsibilities, and how they are rarely there when the kids are growing. And then are ALWAYS there when the kids have left, and life is a piece of piss again!

I would tell him you are flat out not supporting this new job, and that you are fucked off to the nth degree that he would even CONSIDER it, as it means leaving you alone to deal with every fucking thing.

ARGH, I feel rage just reading your OP!

I don't know - 3 days a week at home sounds doable, most people are out of the house 10 hours with the commute. If you found childcare that fitted round it - will you be better off so can pay for support?

This happened to me shortly after our eldest was born, he got a job 4 on 4 off and rented a room then came home. The problem was that the first day he came home he was so tired (nights were included) that he slept all of it, so actually he only had 3 off. Looking back I should have said no. I ended up bringing up our dd single handedly, which was so hard as a first time parent. I dread to think how hard it must be of you already have small children.

I went back to work too, so not only did I work full time, but I had to do all the drop offs and collections, life admin etc, whilst he went to work, then had a lovely few hours on his own, or went out with his work mates, before an uninterrupted sleep for 8 hours. Sometimes he's also come home and want to catch up with friends so I'd end up looking after dd on my own again..

It eroded our marriage and I ended up being very VERY resentful. He's an ex now

YANBU to reject his living in a caravan idea.
Y would be U to reject him doing a career change that will lead to better money in only 2yrs with only 17 weeks of free training AND it is in his dream career field. Many people have to spend thousands on qualifications or take a new university degree to change career.
Just because we are parents, doesn’t mean we have to give up on our dreams.

I would discuss moving to the new job location to live as a family. The caravan idea, I’d reject completely. But I wouldn’t force him to stay in a dead end job he hates, that leads to mental health issues- burnout, depression, etc.

If you agree to this and your relationship survives, I can guarantee you that when the children are older and there is much less grunt work to do at home, he will suddenly decide that he’s stressed at work/needs to wind down a bit/would like to cut some hours/go part time himself, and you should step up from working part time to full time to pick up the slack.

I’ve seen this happen so many times.

It would just be an absolute no from me. He has going children and a wife and a responsibility to be there for them. Sometimes, whatever your dream, it is not logistically possible to fulfil it.

I’m sure you have made many ongoing sacrifices for your family and ruled out opportunities because you have little children. That’s just life.

*young children

YANBU. My dad was a bit like this - although not unhappy in his role, he really didn’t give a shit about mum being left to look after three kids and would swan off to whatever job he liked the most. Of course he always justified it with the money - which he would, as he pissed so much up the wall we almost lost our house in the early 90s.

Needless to say we do not have a great relationship now, in part due to me growing up and having my own children and genuinely not understanding how he could be so selfish. And continue to be so selfish.

I have no further advice really, but when I floated a ‘work away’ position with my DH (as I’m the main earner) he basically said no, not fair at all, so it was shelved. It could be considered as a last result I guess.

Me and my DH have both had to give up our dream careers over the years, me first to be a able to apply for a mortgage (I was on a rolling temp contract with zero security) and then him to be around when the kids were born (he was a chef working horrendously long hours, no weekends free or evenings) we both have 'safe' boring ish jobs now but we are grateful for what we have as we chose this. Your dh chose to have a family, so IMO, you need to make this decision and move as a unit if he wants to seek this career, and face it together, as long as you both agree its worthwhile.
Hes not wrong to want to do a new. Job, he is just considering himself by asking to go alone, wiping his hands clean of the hard grunt bits of family life.

It’s extraordinary the lengths some men will go to to avoid having to deal with the drudgery of life with kids

Moving away half the time is a bad idea, just not an option with 3 kids. He’ll need to find another job

We’d all like a regular three day break I’m sure. No kids wanting stuff, your choice of tv and food etc. It’s not really feasible though.

If you agree, keep to a tight arrangement. None of this, “I’ll drive home on Saturday morning instead of Friday evening because Brian is having birthday drinks after work and the traffic will be lighter”.

If he wants the new job then he takes all of you with him. If he doesn't want to sell the house and move then he stays in his current job.

So tell him you're only in agreement with the original plan, that you all move together.

I have a feeling I know what job it is and the shift pattern is 2 days, 2 nights, 4 off?

If so, be aware that his first day off will be sleep and travel and his last day off will be travel. When you add in an overtime shift it can get to the point where it's barely worth coming home.

We've done this and it was fine for us but we were both on the same page and after several years he got a transfer to a site that is local to us. It's not easy though and if you aren't happy it'll only breed resentment.

I know people who both live in caravans whilst on shift and people who moved their whole families. Both can work but he needs to realise that this isn't all about him.

He doesn't just get to make a decision unilaterally that will turn all of your lives upside down.

You agreed to the change including you all moving. Not to him buggering off on his own. I'd be furious.

You just say no, the agreement was that if he gets the job you would move. You have been more than reasonable in agreeing to uproot your life for his job satisfaction and you will not be coping alone with the children for half the week.

How long would the placement be for? If it’s a couple of years and then he might need to move again maybe he sees this as a better option than uprooting the family twice?