To not support dh's career move? And feel hurt...

[Peppery123]

Since lockdown back in March, dh has been working from home which he has really struggled with. Hes very practical minded and his role changed to 100% admin when before he was out/on deployment. What made it worse was I was pregnany so his work was very strict with him not letting him go out at all so he was always at home and barely had stuff to do at times as it all consisted of admin work which he hates. (He's dyslexic)
Naturally, he started looking for other iobs even though his current one is VERY well paid. He also gets an allowance on top of his regular wage so hes on a lot of money.

He applied to a job that is far away. About a 2 and a half hour cat journey (128 miles) this job is also a career change so would need to do 17 week training apparently. Its something hes always wanted to do. I was ok at first as he discussed it that we could move there as a family....this bring othet issues and complications but trying to be supportive so again agreed
Because of lockdown, application process is taking forver but they finally got back to him going onto stage 3 of the application process ...now suddenly dh is talking about moving there himself, getting a cheap caravan and staying there half of the week as he says its "4 on, 4 off" schedule so he could stay 3-4 nights in the week then come back here
Im distraught at this. We have a 5 month old baby and shes very close to him - this, again is probably due to lockdown because hes been at home so not his fault but we also have TWO more dds. Our eldest is in high school and having some MH issues..i feel he is being really selfish to just suddenly want to take off when we have 3 kids, two very young and just leave me to deal with it all.
Im very hurt as hes been very matter of fact about it.
I just dont know if AIBU and how to handle this..as I was supportive at first, but now I will be due to go back to work in May-June
I feel ill be left with arranging all childcare etc. Do you think hes being unreasonable? Or me?
Dh is very serious about this job as very unhappy in his current job

FYI- the new job hes applying for would be taking a pay cut. So again, things would have to change. Thankfully we dont have a mortgage on the house but obviously we would have to reassess spending and finances.

I personally think he’s selfish- sorry but with three young kids a giant recession on the horizon you keep the well paid job with security. As for a crash pad away from the household it would be a no from me, in fact I’d tell him that if that’s what he’s after he could make that move permanently in the form of a divorce.

Have you talked to him, in a non confrontational way, about what the implications are for you?

What are the positives of this move apart from the job? Will there be more space for the kids, more opportunities for other work - also is he the sole wage earner?

17 weeks is relatively short term still - but the caravan idea does appear ill thought out unless he's actually done it before? But if he is bringing in less money AND you need to have two households for a while its going to pile the pressure on, do you have savings to lean on short/medium term?

Is he talking about this as a temporary measure whilst you sell your house and move or permanently?

YANBU. This is completely unacceptable. He is essentially choosing to be a part-time family member. We all have dream jobs etc but he needs to live in the real world.

YADNBU I am usually a huge advocate of spouses supporting career changes. Its been a feature of my life in different ways but this is completely different.

I absolutely understand how awful a job you hate can be (seriously one of mine landed me in hospital with a stroke....specific to me OP , I'm not for a moment suggesting that its a common thing) but my god what he is suggesting has a huge impact on your family and it sounds like he is not considering this at all.

Look its wonderful to have a job you love and it should be the aspiration but sometimes as part of a family you have to consider what will affect everyone. I literally two days ago turned down a job I would love because the childcare pressure on everyone else would be beyond unbearable. Sometimes its not about sacrifice ,its about not wanting your family to suffer for your choices.

I don't resent my family for making that choice because I do not want to put them through the stress and challenge of it. In reality I will take another job offered that may not be ideal for me personally but will be the best compromise.

I am all for supporting dreams but he has to meet you half way and support you. This would be a serious sit down discussion for us. Both DP and I have both gone for the gold so to speak and the other has supported them but likewise sometimes we have had to decide the family interests were more important.

Say something. Seriously. His decisions are hugely impacting you. There's a fine line between support and being walked over (sorry that's a bit harsh but you see what I mean ).

3 kids, 2 very young and one struggling with mental health problems and he wants to take himself off to live elsewhere half the week. He’s taking the piss.

3 nights will turn into 4, into 5. The cheap caravan will turn into a cheap flat because why not buy something small and cheap, it’s not like you’ve got a mortgage in your home.

Nope.

I’d be telling him that the only reason to come home each week is to pick up the kids for his 3 nights, while I have my turn for a break.

@Peppery123

YANBU at ALL.

Some men do love to check out of family commitments and duties don't they?

I have known many a man suddenly have to work a lot, or suddenly find a job that is 100 miles away, or suddenly get a promotion that takes them away from the home and family for 3-4 days at a time. They usually take on new hobbies that take them away a lot too ...(away from pulling their weight around the house, and with childcare.)

Then when the kids leave home, they get a job with less hours (or cut the hours of their current job) and you can't get them out of the house!

Boils my piss it really does, how some men find it so easy to shirk their responsibilities, and how they are rarely there when the kids are growing. And then are ALWAYS there when the kids have left, and life is a piece of piss again!

I would tell him you are flat out not supporting this new job, and that you are fucked off to the nth degree that he would even CONSIDER it, as it means leaving you alone to deal with every fucking thing.

ARGH, I feel rage just reading your OP!

Thanks for the replies
So dh is the main earner. As its always been me who has had to go on maternity, then part time to work around the kids..i havent complained about this as I am aware dh is paying the bills, he also plays childcare for our middle daughter (3 year old)
I think its selfish too!
Apparently this is something hes been wanting to do so its a career goal , it can lead to more money but it would take 2 years to do as a probationary matter.

17 weeks is the training that he gets sent to. So thats him being away from.home 17 weeks only back on weeken
Then after that training he would be placed in the location thats 128 miles away so again away from.home..hes happy to live ij a caravan but its almost like hes craving a second life...

It feels like he wants to live a single life. Have the best of both..im really upset and we will need to sit down to discuss.

I don't know - 3 days a week at home sounds doable, most people are out of the house 10 hours with the commute. If you found childcare that fitted round it - will you be better off so can pay for support?

This happened to me shortly after our eldest was born, he got a job 4 on 4 off and rented a room then came home. The problem was that the first day he came home he was so tired (nights were included) that he slept all of it, so actually he only had 3 off. Looking back I should have said no. I ended up bringing up our dd single handedly, which was so hard as a first time parent. I dread to think how hard it must be of you already have small children.

I went back to work too, so not only did I work full time, but I had to do all the drop offs and collections, life admin etc, whilst he went to work, then had a lovely few hours on his own, or went out with his work mates, before an uninterrupted sleep for 8 hours. Sometimes he's also come home and want to catch up with friends so I'd end up looking after dd on my own again..

It eroded our marriage and I ended up being very VERY resentful. He's an ex now

@Sundances

I don't know - 3 days a week at home sounds doable, most people are out of the house 10 hours with the commute. If you found childcare that fitted round it - will you be better off so can pay for support?

YANBU to reject his living in a caravan idea.
Y would be U to reject him doing a career change that will lead to better money in only 2yrs with only 17 weeks of free training AND it is in his dream career field. Many people have to spend thousands on qualifications or take a new university degree to change career.
Just because we are parents, doesn’t mean we have to give up on our dreams.

I would discuss moving to the new job location to live as a family. The caravan idea, I’d reject completely. But I wouldn’t force him to stay in a dead end job he hates, that leads to mental health issues- burnout, depression, etc.

If you agree to this and your relationship survives, I can guarantee you that when the children are older and there is much less grunt work to do at home, he will suddenly decide that he’s stressed at work/needs to wind down a bit/would like to cut some hours/go part time himself, and you should step up from working part time to full time to pick up the slack.

I’ve seen this happen so many times.

It would just be an absolute no from me. He has going children and a wife and a responsibility to be there for them. Sometimes, whatever your dream, it is not logistically possible to fulfil it.

I’m sure you have made many ongoing sacrifices for your family and ruled out opportunities because you have little children. That’s just life.

*young children

YANBU. My dad was a bit like this - although not unhappy in his role, he really didn’t give a shit about mum being left to look after three kids and would swan off to whatever job he liked the most. Of course he always justified it with the money - which he would, as he pissed so much up the wall we almost lost our house in the early 90s.

Needless to say we do not have a great relationship now, in part due to me growing up and having my own children and genuinely not understanding how he could be so selfish. And continue to be so selfish.

I have no further advice really, but when I floated a ‘work away’ position with my DH (as I’m the main earner) he basically said no, not fair at all, so it was shelved. It could be considered as a last result I guess.

Me and my DH have both had to give up our dream careers over the years, me first to be a able to apply for a mortgage (I was on a rolling temp contract with zero security) and then him to be around when the kids were born (he was a chef working horrendously long hours, no weekends free or evenings) we both have 'safe' boring ish jobs now but we are grateful for what we have as we chose this. Your dh chose to have a family, so IMO, you need to make this decision and move as a unit if he wants to seek this career, and face it together, as long as you both agree its worthwhile.
Hes not wrong to want to do a new. Job, he is just considering himself by asking to go alone, wiping his hands clean of the hard grunt bits of family life.

@Sundances

I don't know - 3 days a week at home sounds doable, most people are out of the house 10 hours with the commute. If you found childcare that fitted round it - will you be better off so can pay for support?

Personally I agree, but it depends on the circumstances. My oh works away, when he was home he was working 12 hour days, plus 2 hours travelling, and only had 1 day off every 2-4 weeks. He was out of the house before we got up and mostly home after the kids were in bed. We never saw him. Now he’s working and living a 5 hour drive away, he’s on 3 times the money he’d be on if he were home, and he’s home 4 days every fortnight and gets to spend the whole 4 days with me and the kids. Saying that if I needed him home for daily support with the kids, there’s no way he’d consider leaving, and he certainly wouldn’t be working away for LESS money

It’s extraordinary the lengths some men will go to to avoid having to deal with the drudgery of life with kids

Moving away half the time is a bad idea, just not an option with 3 kids. He’ll need to find another job

We’d all like a regular three day break I’m sure. No kids wanting stuff, your choice of tv and food etc. It’s not really feasible though.

If you agree, keep to a tight arrangement. None of this, “I’ll drive home on Saturday morning instead of Friday evening because Brian is having birthday drinks after work and the traffic will be lighter”.

If he wants the new job then he takes all of you with him. If he doesn't want to sell the house and move then he stays in his current job.

So tell him you're only in agreement with the original plan, that you all move together.

I have a feeling I know what job it is and the shift pattern is 2 days, 2 nights, 4 off?

If so, be aware that his first day off will be sleep and travel and his last day off will be travel. When you add in an overtime shift it can get to the point where it's barely worth coming home.

We've done this and it was fine for us but we were both on the same page and after several years he got a transfer to a site that is local to us. It's not easy though and if you aren't happy it'll only breed resentment.

I know people who both live in caravans whilst on shift and people who moved their whole families. Both can work but he needs to realise that this isn't all about him.

He doesn't just get to make a decision unilaterally that will turn all of your lives upside down.

You agreed to the change including you all moving. Not to him buggering off on his own. I'd be furious.

You just say no, the agreement was that if he gets the job you would move. You have been more than reasonable in agreeing to uproot your life for his job satisfaction and you will not be coping alone with the children for half the week.

How long would the placement be for? If it’s a couple of years and then he might need to move again maybe he sees this as a better option than uprooting the family twice?