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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not support dh's career move? And feel hurt...

64 replies

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 14:17

Since lockdown back in March, dh has been working from home which he has really struggled with. Hes very practical minded and his role changed to 100% admin when before he was out/on deployment. What made it worse was I was pregnany so his work was very strict with him not letting him go out at all so he was always at home and barely had stuff to do at times as it all consisted of admin work which he hates. (He's dyslexic)
Naturally, he started looking for other iobs even though his current one is VERY well paid. He also gets an allowance on top of his regular wage so hes on a lot of money.

He applied to a job that is far away. About a 2 and a half hour cat journey (128 miles) this job is also a career change so would need to do 17 week training apparently. Its something hes always wanted to do. I was ok at first as he discussed it that we could move there as a family....this bring othet issues and complications but trying to be supportive so again agreed
Because of lockdown, application process is taking forver but they finally got back to him going onto stage 3 of the application process ...now suddenly dh is talking about moving there himself, getting a cheap caravan and staying there half of the week as he says its "4 on, 4 off" schedule so he could stay 3-4 nights in the week then come back here
Im distraught at this. We have a 5 month old baby and shes very close to him - this, again is probably due to lockdown because hes been at home so not his fault but we also have TWO more dds. Our eldest is in high school and having some MH issues..i feel he is being really selfish to just suddenly want to take off when we have 3 kids, two very young and just leave me to deal with it all.
Im very hurt as hes been very matter of fact about it.
I just dont know if AIBU and how to handle this..as I was supportive at first, but now I will be due to go back to work in May-June
I feel ill be left with arranging all childcare etc. Do you think hes being unreasonable? Or me?
Dh is very serious about this job as very unhappy in his current job

FYI- the new job hes applying for would be taking a pay cut. So again, things would have to change. Thankfully we dont have a mortgage on the house but obviously we would have to reassess spending and finances.

OP posts:

BiarritzCrackers · 22/03/2021 15:17

"It eroded our marriage and I ended up being very VERY resentful. He's an ex now," mine too!

Everything we'd mutually agreed upon pre marriage and DS was discarded. No rural living (insisted on being able to walk to train station), no second DC, my opportunities were limited as no family or support etc.

We're friends now, but I still find it astonishing that one party in a marriage can think they insist they are going to work away half the week and it's non negotiable. I couldn't continue to feel love or respect for someone like that.

Original poster

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 15:19

Its reassuring to read that he is being completely unreasonable..i had to second guess myself a few times hearing his poor pleas. "Being so depressed in his current job drinking more because hes so unhappy, thinks this job is the brand new start we need as hes been stuck in this dead on job for years"
I tried to sympathise but with a newborn it just isnt fait
Will discuss us all moving down there to see..cant understand why he drastically changed his idea.

The job is for the CNC as an AFO. They are placed on nuclear sites, in his case it will be Sellafield..not sure about the 4 days on and off : does anyone know about this job? If so, please explain how it works! As I have no idea

Thanks

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 22/03/2021 15:20

Is this job public sector? As if so the pension and job security might be worth factoring in?

But I agree it seems you have the short end of the stick here!!

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 15:20

"The job is for the CNC as an AFO"

Knew it

Original poster

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 15:21

@DavidsSchitt

Oh god..is this bad or good?

OP posts:

dotdashdashdash · 22/03/2021 15:22

YANBU - DH and I are very supportive of each others careers however we have one non-negotiable - no jobs which involve large amounts of travel/ regular overnight stays from home. Not because we don't trust each other, but because of the impact on family life and the others career.

Because we both have jobs which could involve overnight work and travel it is a fair restriction as it applies to both of us.

Of course COVID has had an impact on that - I'm a Dr and took a job at a hospital on return from Mat leave to support the effort and now do shift work, but all being well I will go back to my substantive (community based, 9-5) post very soon.

Original poster

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 15:22

@AnneElliott

That was one of his reasons to apply as his current job now has a an allowance that is NOT pensionable. Therefore, he claims he is looking at the future watching his own dad retire early (at 58) and wanting to follow in his footsteps.

OP posts:

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 15:24

See my post. It's 2 days, 2 nights (7-7) and 4 off. But like I said, factor in sleep, travel and overtime.

Whilst on training he will need to travel down on the Sunday and won't be home til late on the Friday so don't expect to see much of him for the training part of it.

Most travel like he is proposing to do, some moved their families up but it's remote and not for everyone.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 15:27

Like I said, it works for us and he has now moved to a site local to us so no longer out in the sticks.

It's good in terms of job stability and time off. It sounds like long hours etc but each block of leave taken is 12 days at a time so that's good for holidays and family time

Original poster

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 15:28

@DavidsSchitt

Just reread your other post! I will need to show him this thanks so much! I was doubtful when he said then4 days on and off
Can I ask if you have any children? How did you fit this around them?
Has your dh recently joined the CNC? How do you find being apart?
Also regarding the training where is it that they stay? I am so dubious about it all as he has been unfaithful years back and I dont have much trust for him to be away so long

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 22/03/2021 15:31

Cross posts op. I do t know much about CNC shift - but can't he get an AFO role on his own force? They're desperate for them i understand.

Also I've heard the CNC role is really boring as they just protect the reactors. So no engagement with anyone other than other AFOs all day.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 15:31

@Peppery123 I'll DM you when I can log on the laptop later.

The caravan idea he's proposing is very common but if you're not happy then definitely tell him as it's not easy. The childcare arrangements will ALL fall to you otherwise.

They are put in hotels for training and given hire cars for travel for training

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 15:32

"So no engagement with anyone other than other AFOs all day."

Not true necessarily but can be the case at first. We've been in this for years and years now. It's worked well for us.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/03/2021 15:35

YANBU OP. You need to speak to him. How would he feel if you did that and left him with 3 kids deal with and work. It’s effectively making you a single parent for large chunks of time. My husband works away a lot but I only have 1 teen and set up suits me/us. It definitely has a lot of implications and impact on a marriage.

Skysblue · 22/03/2021 15:41

He’s having a bit of a mid life crisis eh.

Tell him that the idea of him living elsewhere part of the week is not what you had discussed, is very upsetting to both you and the children, and is not an option.

As to whether the job is worth moving for - this depends where it is, what the local schools are like, property prices and social groups etc etc. I don’t know any of that. Will older child be upset or delighted to move school? Etc.

If he liked his well paid job before the pandemic then maybe remind him that the pandemic won’t last forever.

(By the way I quit a well paid boring job for a lower paid exciting job. I regretted it. Money mattered more than I realised, and became more ‘real’ after children started wanting things I couldn’t afford. Worse than that though was the culture change. High paid jobs tend to come with fast paced efficient and professional colleagues. Low paid ‘interesting’ jobs... Do not.)

Dojasayso · 22/03/2021 16:13

Hes been unfaithful in the past? Massive drop feed OP.

This has disaster written all over it.

The amount of married men on dating and hookup apps in the places they stay in is horrendous.
Even if at first that doesn't cross his mind, all it takes is for someone on site to start bragging about the latest hookup and his curiosity will be peeked. Next thing you know hes coming home less and less and there's OW on the scene.

I'm not projecting as I've no experience of this. But many of my friends have. If he's cheated in the past I'd be more surprised if he doesn't end up dating whilst away.

Disclaimer: I don't believe all men cheat at all. But if someone's got history for it and then works away then the probabilities are far too high.

Silvergreen · 22/03/2021 16:20

You might as well just break up, you'd have less money but at least you'd get some time for yourself when he has your daughter.

Penistoe · 22/03/2021 16:26

Is there absolutely know way he could do a similar job closer to home. That far away is crazy with a young family. He is being very selfish.

D1sh0ftheweekend4 · 22/03/2021 16:34

Suggest look on right move or similar for prices for property in Sellafield area
I know people who commute 100+ miles & stay over during their shift in another industry
What are his long term plans, retire at 60 ?
Would he support a career change for you in the future ?

Original poster

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 17:04

@DavidsSchitt

Please do. Really worried now! He told me he would be staying on a barracks for the 17 week training!
They must be soending a fortune putting them all up in hotels.

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 22/03/2021 17:05

The issue isn't that he wants a new job it's that he's deciding to take a new job and has unilaterally decided the best way to manage it is for him to simply disappear for 4 days at a time, leaving you at home to cope with three children, one a new born, with less financial resources than currently. There's been no discussion and in fact, he's changed the goalposts as originally you'd discussed moving all together to the new area.

Nice for him isn't it? He gets to really focus on the new job and not worry about children and households etc.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/03/2021 17:34

Just seen your comments to him unfaithful in past. Even bigger no. He’d be living as single man for part of week you’d need trust.
Shame you can’t go away for 4 days a week for a few weeks preferably including Easter hols making sure your phone is off most of time as you are ‘in training’. Bonus points if nursery child could be get d & v for 24 hours, teen sent home after testing positive for Covid (but negative after he’s taken her and other 2 in tow to be tested) and baby teething whilst you are away. I reckon it would assist any future discussions.

Therealjudgejudy · 22/03/2021 17:40

This is so selfish. Read back over your posts...its all about him and what he wants. You and the children are not even considered. All of this, earning less money and he has cheated on you before. Hell would freeze over before I would accept this.

wusbanker · 22/03/2021 17:41

Lol. Why doesn't he take the kids with him, the army provide free childcare don't they? Or is it only ok for you to be lumbered with all the parenting?

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 17:44

@wusbanker this isn't the army.

But yes, one idea is that the kids could go too, as planned, along with his wife.

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