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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not support dh's career move? And feel hurt...

64 replies

Peppery123 · 22/03/2021 14:17

Since lockdown back in March, dh has been working from home which he has really struggled with. Hes very practical minded and his role changed to 100% admin when before he was out/on deployment. What made it worse was I was pregnany so his work was very strict with him not letting him go out at all so he was always at home and barely had stuff to do at times as it all consisted of admin work which he hates. (He's dyslexic)
Naturally, he started looking for other iobs even though his current one is VERY well paid. He also gets an allowance on top of his regular wage so hes on a lot of money.

He applied to a job that is far away. About a 2 and a half hour cat journey (128 miles) this job is also a career change so would need to do 17 week training apparently. Its something hes always wanted to do. I was ok at first as he discussed it that we could move there as a family....this bring othet issues and complications but trying to be supportive so again agreed
Because of lockdown, application process is taking forver but they finally got back to him going onto stage 3 of the application process ...now suddenly dh is talking about moving there himself, getting a cheap caravan and staying there half of the week as he says its "4 on, 4 off" schedule so he could stay 3-4 nights in the week then come back here
Im distraught at this. We have a 5 month old baby and shes very close to him - this, again is probably due to lockdown because hes been at home so not his fault but we also have TWO more dds. Our eldest is in high school and having some MH issues..i feel he is being really selfish to just suddenly want to take off when we have 3 kids, two very young and just leave me to deal with it all.
Im very hurt as hes been very matter of fact about it.
I just dont know if AIBU and how to handle this..as I was supportive at first, but now I will be due to go back to work in May-June
I feel ill be left with arranging all childcare etc. Do you think hes being unreasonable? Or me?
Dh is very serious about this job as very unhappy in his current job

FYI- the new job hes applying for would be taking a pay cut. So again, things would have to change. Thankfully we dont have a mortgage on the house but obviously we would have to reassess spending and finances.

OP posts:

malificent7 · 22/03/2021 18:09

Oh i feel so cross reading this....he deserves to be dumped!;

LouiseTrees · 22/03/2021 18:11

@Peppery123

Since lockdown back in March, dh has been working from home which he has really struggled with. Hes very practical minded and his role changed to 100% admin when before he was out/on deployment. What made it worse was I was pregnany so his work was very strict with him not letting him go out at all so he was always at home and barely had stuff to do at times as it all consisted of admin work which he hates. (He's dyslexic) Naturally, he started looking for other iobs even though his current one is VERY well paid. He also gets an allowance on top of his regular wage so hes on a lot of money.

I’d be telling him you either all move or he moves and you split up.

Babysharkdododont · 22/03/2021 18:22

This role is advertised at 24k. Is he seriously contemplating running two homes and buying in all the help and childcare you'd need on 24k?!

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 18:27

@Babysharkdododont they're mortgage free and digs are £50 a week up there.

Pay progresses fast in the CNC and they all do some overtime which is paid well too. If it's something he really wants to do it's not a bad job at all but he needs to remember the original agreement they had when he applied.

AnneElliott · 22/03/2021 19:23

Why can't be apply for an AFO in his own force op? Sorry if I've missed it - that way he'd get the job he wants but would r need to live away.

Sansaplans · 22/03/2021 19:28

He is being wildly unreasonable.

It's one thing to be unhappy at work and look for a new job, even if that involves taking a pay cut (as long as it's not going to put the household into financial trouble etc of course, and respectful to discuss as a couple); it's entirely another to take a job far away and thrust this upon the family unit. To discuss it is fine imo, but to just do it and plan to move away and expect you to accept it is disrespectful, and sorry to say I do agree it seems he wants to check out of family life.

DH used to be in the military and was away a lot, he lived away during the week and then was away a lot beside that. He was in when we met and I think we were naieve perhaps to the reality of this on family life, it was bloody hard. It became so tricky that he left (own choice) so he could always be home, which I was thankful for. If he hadn't been in and then just decided to, I would have found it impossible to deal with, absolutely a deal breaker.

Tigerchips · 22/03/2021 19:32

"Why can't be apply for an AFO in his own force op?"

Presumably because they don't live near a power station and the current entry is through Sellafield

NailsNeedDoing · 22/03/2021 19:38

It’s incredibly debilitating to work full time in a job you hate, so while of course you need to work something out so that this massive change works for you both, you can’t just say no and expect him to stay in a job that he hates. Eventually it would damage his health, if it hasn’t started to already, so he has to change something. It must feel quite scary for you though, so be kind to yourself, but accept that something is going to have to change.

Sansaplans · 22/03/2021 19:55

@NailsNeedDoing

What about OPs mental health though? This is a huge huge huge change that impacts the entire family, it's not just a new job, it's a new lifestyle and effectively him opting out of much of family life and leaving OP to take on more. Why does his wants trump that of his family? Is there really nothing closer to home he could do? Why does he no longer want to discuss the possibility of everyone moving?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2021 20:04

Your marriage is doomed if he takes this job.

Wheelerdeeler · 22/03/2021 20:11

Not a hope in hell.

Anyone I know that had a spouse move away for work ended up splitting up.

He is checking out of family life.

GreenClock · 22/03/2021 22:08

If he’s got form for philandering I’d be questioning his motives. He’s fortunate that you let him get away with it before. He should be doing all he can to assert his commitment to the relationship.

Gemma2019 · 22/03/2021 22:54

I do think it must be awful for him doing an admin job full time with dyslexia especially if he's more practically minded - he must be counting the minutes every day.

It's difficult as I would usually try to support a spouse if they get an opportunity to train for their dream job, but this caravan idea of his is ridiculous, plus I don't think i would uproot the family including a child with poor mental health for an AFO salary. Unfortunately for him you limit your options when you decide to have three kids and they take priority.

AnneElliott · 22/03/2021 23:12

All police forces have AFOs - that's why I asked. It's not just the CNC. If he already works in a police force then it seems silly to move when he could apply to transfer into firearms section in his current force.

Of course if he's not already in the police and CNC have accepted him as a new entrant then that's different.

But I don't think he's being very fair op - you will be left with a significant burden.

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