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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent the last 8 months of being a taxi service to husband

77 replies

exhaustedangryegg · 19/03/2021 20:34

My husband lost his driving job due to a drink driving offence last year. (I'm still resentful to this and incredibly angry)
for 4 months we had no income except my evening work (I work 8pm-1am doing translation work). after 4 months he managed to find a job which was quite a drive away, I also found out I was pregnant and luckily the same day I passed my driving test.
A few days after he started the job and I started to drop him off and pick him up as it is quite a while away but every other job he applied for obviously didn't want him so he couldn't turn this only job down.

The problem is, I had my toddler in a great routine in bed at 7pm, just in time to clean up and start work. Because of his work, he starts at 3pm and finishes at 11pm. So my dd routine got completely messed up (she doesn't nap) and she would basically stay awake until we pick him up, then when we get home, she goes to sleep and wakes up the next day after around 11 hours.
My work has suffered massively due to the fact it's impossible to do anything with dd up. I have to have earphones in and listen to long documents so basically as soon as I put dd in bed around 12 at night, I basically have to rush my work for a hour, or end up working extra few hours.
I'm also 8 months pregnant, so this has been going on throughout the whole of my pregnancy.

I'm literally exhausted, I have had no alone time in 8 months, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, I am busy/pre occupied, driving around, trying to work/entertain dd and I am seriously starting to resent my husband for putting me through this, he gets his license back next month, a few weeks before my c section so he just says "Oh well you have a few weeks to Get some alone evening time and dd back in her normal routine" and he completely dismisses my feelings, and thinks its just pregnancy hormones making me feel like this.

Even my mum thinks I'm over reacting and just have to get on with it with dd in the evenings, but I'm like, for a good 2 years, I had her in an amazing routine, her behaviour was fine but it's all gone to pots, she's living in a constant state of over tiredness and has became aggressive but I'm the only one dealing with this, swell as dealing with gestational diabetes and everything else.

I' think I'm just angry that I know I'm going to have my hands full and this was supposed to be my only bit of respite before I have a newborn and it's just been chaotic, I literally am starting to snap at my dd for everything normal because I'm losing my patience.

I don't even know what my AIBU is, probably AIBU to want a divorce I don't know, I'm just so resentful towards him and when I look at him, I just feel anger.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 20/03/2021 14:00

Tell him no more lifts!

Tel him your DD c ones first and needs her sleep. He can ask his friend or catch the bus.
Or his accommodating parents

Gazelda · 20/03/2021 14:19

[quote exhaustedangryegg]@Lolapusht yes exactly. I even told him to go live with his parents and let them drive him around as they also agree with him!

I've been up all night just seething which is counterproductive because everyone around me clearly are idiots. I didn't argue with him last night but I think me being quiet said it all then he had the audacity to say "now I know why men cheat when they come home and can't be treated nice by their wives" and i just broke down in tears upstairs because I realised that he genuinely doesn't see what is wrong.

He says "if you want to leave, just leave" knowing I'm at the most vulnerable state. He says "I'm not leaving the house which is in my name , you go find yourself a new house" I just feel stuck and regret ever keeping this baby tbh[/quote]
What a useless prick he is.

He give you no support. Isn't a hands-on DF to your DD, put your livelihood in jeopardy, doesn't treat you with appreciation and respect, expects you to re-establish DD p's routine, has used you as an unpaid taxi for all this time and believes the house is his and you have no rights.

You don't love him.

There's not much there. And no indication that he wants to change. I would honestly be thinking seriously about leaving him. But perhaps get plans quietly in place for the summer, post c-section. The very least he owes you is support when your baby arrives and you are establishing routines for you and the two DC.

EL8888 · 20/03/2021 15:07

I’m not sure what he brings to the table. I can see why you might want to get rid. He’s lazy and selfish. His parents need to keep their nose, instinct tells me they’re part of the problem and why he’s so entitled

lockdownalli · 20/03/2021 15:12

Regarding the weekends, he spends a few hours with dd but then goes out on "Socially distanced walks" with his friend for a good 3/4 hours

This sounds pretty fishy too tbh.

If you are married then the house is a marital asset.

I would get legal advice if I were you OP. Flowers

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 20/03/2021 15:19

Ok, so he refuses to leave the house. Two can play at that game. If he's refusing to go or do anything differently, then you refuse to take him to work. Say 'it's your job, you get yourself there, I'm not doing it anymore'. It's not worth hanging on for him to get his licence back as he sounds like essentially a selfish arsehole and that won't change.

Grandslam21 · 20/03/2021 15:26

Fuck that op. He brings absolutely nothing but stress and misery to this relationship. Can you imagine how much nicer your life would be without him in it?

Lolapusht · 20/03/2021 15:27

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’ve got a month until the baby arrives. I suggest you use that time to get DD back into a routine so things are a little bit easier with a newborn. Stop the lifts now. His family or friends can step up and help their in-law who is about to give birth. Do you have a health visitor or GP that you could speak to for help. Your DH is keeping your toddler child up until midnight and would see his 8 month pregnant wife and child out on the street rather than sort out his own transport. I can’t imagine any HCP or “official” person thinking that was acceptable. If you’re married, it’s not “his” house it belongs to both of you. I suggest you post over in the Relationships board and get some advice about getting help. I’m afraid to say that it sounds like your husband doesn’t care about his family and you don’t have to accept it. He isn’t going to help with the baby or your DD so you need to arrange things to make life as easy as it can be for you. Women’s Aid and Gingerbread may be able to help with advice on what to do. Good luck Flowers

PhatPhanny · 20/03/2021 15:39

Op, is he still drinking?

CombatBarbie · 20/03/2021 15:41

I can totally understand your resentment and rightly so. How far is this job and why can't he take public transport?

RedcurrantPuff · 20/03/2021 15:44

YANBU, I’d be furious. But then I don’t know if I could stay married to someone who didn’t care that he could have killed someone plus all the hardship to his family in the first place

PotterHead1985 · 20/03/2021 17:20

Agree with pp. If married the house is a marital asset. DO NOT go anywhere and speak to a solicitor ASAP.

Also stop the lifts right now. No lift on Monday. He can figure it out on his own. Stop doing anything for him you can get away with. You probably can't stop buying him food in the shop, the selfish prick would just eat yours and DDs. Dont cook for him. Dont make him pack up for work. Dont do his washing or anything. Fuck him

Whammyyammy · 20/03/2021 17:24

Sorry OP, but I hate drink drivers with a passion. They are down there with the lowest form of scum on this planet.

I'm glad he got caught and lost his licence and job, as its better than an innocent person losing their life because your husband is a dick and thought driving whilst being hammered was a good idea.

I'm sorry it impacts on you though.

ohhmyholidays · 20/03/2021 18:23

If you can afford get him to get a taxi these last few weeks? Or get his parents to drive him.

Are you stopping work once the new baby is here ?

Ps Pregnancy made me hate DH, as he has no understanding. He's just got in from work and I understand he's tired after working all week, then overtime on a Saturday, but they just don't get what being stuck with two young children is like ( as much as I love the kids, it makes me snappy too and worn out to be with constantly.)

whatthehellisthiszap · 20/03/2021 23:38

He lives his life like he's single so I'd do the same. No more lifts, no more laundry or anything else you do. See a solicitor about division of assets. If he wants to have an affair, let him, but honestly no one would want him.

You need to make a plan to leave and figure out what support you need when the baby is here.

Cherrysoup · 20/03/2021 23:49

You have rights, you’re married, so he can’t just make you leave. Please see a solicitor to see what you’re entitled to. I’m sorry, OP, you married a loser. He should be treating you so much better.

willibald · 21/03/2021 00:04

I would stop driving him fucking anywhere, I'd stop doing FA for him. He moans 'Now I know why men cheat'. 'Now I know why women divorce.' The house, 'It's a marital asset, doesn't matter who's name it's in.'

And see a solicitor.

Divorce this drink driving twat. That would have been my line in the sand, too.

prawntoastie · 21/03/2021 00:14

he needs those scooter things, however in your position I would be annoyed too.

Krazynights34 · 21/03/2021 00:18

Jesus Christ. Why the fuck aren’t you already divorced (I know that’s harsh) but he’s a piece of shit.

Krazynights34 · 21/03/2021 00:21

What a cruel “man”.
Op - ignore his threats . See a solicitor. Please don’t stay with him

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 21/03/2021 00:25

Fuck that for a lark, he lost his licence, why are you putting yourself out for him? Tell him to hop on the train or bus, bollocks to ferrying him about.

PurpleMustang · 21/03/2021 07:57

You can see from everyone's opinions what they think of his behaviour. But just on a practical level when you do stop driving him and can focus on DD's sleep routine again, I would suggest that you don't try and change it drastically quickly, but put her down 30 mins or a hour earlier for 2/3 days in a row, then a bit earlier and so on, so she slowly moves her routine without noticing.

PurpleMustang · 21/03/2021 08:01

And as you are 8 months already I would be telling him you will drop him off but he needs to get home so you can get started on things now

frostymornings · 21/03/2021 08:25

My DH had to surrender his license due to having a seizure and couldn't drive for 18 months. He bought himself a folding bike, got up early to catch the train, bike across London, catch another train and bike to the office. The whole round trip took him around 2 - 3 hours longer. Occasionally I would pick him up from the station if it fitted in with the kids, otherwise it was a taxi. And none of this was his fault, he just adapted and got on with it.
I'm sorry but your DH is lazy, selfish and unkind.

islockdownoveryet · 21/03/2021 08:28

No no no op , he’s in bed 11 hours then at weekends leaves you for 3 hours .
Tell him no , he lost his license he figures how to get to work and back .
I suspect he may then start getting up a little earlier . I don’t know how you don’t burst out laughing when he’s says he’s tired I suspect it’s because your too tired to find that funny .
Just explain it’s too much and he’s taking the piss , he may well say your moaning but you’ve already lost all respect for him and when you think life would be easier without him that’s a worry so tell him this . If that doesn’t give him a jolt then you know the answer .

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 08:29

The life and routine sounds awful, I don't blame you.

However, even though you're angry, you decided to stand by him after the drink driving and drive him. You cannot keep throwing that in his face.

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