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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a bad mum?

59 replies

Flowers24 · 19/03/2021 13:47

Ok this is me

I / we don't eat together as a family every night not even most nights

I still pay for older teens phone even though they have a small PT job

I drink a glass of wine every evening

Sometimes I drink up to 3 on a sat night

I crave alone time and sometimes hope the teens do stay in their room

I sometimes have a good cry in my car alone

I am too.soft and dh is bad cop

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 14:07

Why don't you eat together? When do you get the chance to chat to them?

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 14:07

And why are you crying? Are you okay?

suspiria777 · 19/03/2021 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

idontlikealdi · 19/03/2021 14:08

What's the bigger picture here? Drip drip drip drip.

Strangekindofwoman · 19/03/2021 14:08

You sound like a normal mum to me. Not a MN mum though.

imalmostthere · 19/03/2021 14:12

There must be more to this?

Dillparsleyandmint · 19/03/2021 14:13

Why are you posting this now op if you don't mind me asking? Has someone accused you of being a bad mum?

It's difficult to judge from the few details you have written here but ime being the mum of teens can be very hard work, as you don't feel particularly appreciated, in fact a lot of the time you are being criticized for doing everything wrong.

KarensChoppyBob · 19/03/2021 14:14

Why not an MN mum? I'm sure there are plenty wine-drinking navel-gazing ones out there too. Not normally this early though tbf .

MrsKeats · 19/03/2021 14:18

The not eating together and the crying are the ones I would be worried about.
The others are nothing unusual really I don't think

Strangekindofwoman · 19/03/2021 14:18

@KarensChoppyBob

Why not an MN mum? I'm sure there are plenty wine-drinking navel-gazing ones out there too. Not normally this early though tbf

MN mums only drink a small sherry at christmas. Make all meals from scratch and always eat together. Expect teenagers with a part time job to pay board. Would never admit to being soft.

KarensChoppyBob · 19/03/2021 14:22

That's not the MN I know.

edwinbear · 19/03/2021 14:22

We don't eat together. DC eat together and DH and I eat later.

I drink a whole bottle of wine on a Fri/Sat night. Sometimes with a G&T as well

KarensChoppyBob · 19/03/2021 14:23

Maybe, just maybe ...

We're all different (!)

CatsHairEverywhere · 19/03/2021 14:24

do you abuse your children? Deprive them of their needs? Do you not love them?

If the answer is no, then you’re not a bad mum and you know that already.

Easterbunnygettingready · 19/03/2021 14:25

My teens are expected to eat with us most nights. Ime keeping the lines of communication open is vital. ..
Sometimes dh makes a meal for 2..

bookworm29x · 19/03/2021 14:30

Everyone knows you're suppose to have at least two bottles on the weekend, YABU.

DudeistPriest · 19/03/2021 14:33

Do you feel like a bad mum? Own your parenting decisions and if you feel you are not parenting (or living)the way you want to then make some changes, but don't feel that others automatically know better than you. Some things are bad parenting or abusive ofcourse, but other than that there is a wide range of things that are really down to your preferences and lifestyle. You don't have to be a perfect mum, no-one even agreed what that is.

laudete · 19/03/2021 14:37

I think you need a hug, OP. I don't know what is causing you so much pain but you are drinking a lot to dull it. That doesn't make you a "bad" mom but it does sound like you need some help. Talk to someone outside your family.

Justcallmebebes · 19/03/2021 14:46

"I think you need a hug, OP. I don't know what is causing you so much pain but you are drinking a lot to dull it".

Drinking a lot??? 1 glass a night in the week and sometimes 3 glasses at the weekend. Good grief 🤣

laudete · 19/03/2021 14:51

@Justcallmebebes

"I think you need a hug, OP. I don't know what is causing you so much pain but you are drinking a lot to dull it".

Drinking a lot??? 1 glass a night in the week and sometimes 3 glasses at the weekend. Good grief 🤣

I could be wrong but I read it as "3 am".

Loopyloututu2 · 19/03/2021 14:58

You sound perfectly normal - what makes you think you’re a bad mum?

I dont see the big deal about paying for the teen dc’s phone - I don’t think having a small part time job should necessarily mean they pay for their own phone.

The not eating together would bother me - dh and I insist on us all eating together on weeknights as it’s pretty much the only time we get to speak to the older ones! They don’t seem to mind though. They sometimes eat in their rooms but not often.

It sounds like your wine drinking is concerning you - I don’t really drink personally but I wouldn’t think someone who drank that amount had a problem - however it’s obviously causing you some pause for thought so maybe try to cut out the mid-week drinking.

The crying - is it hormonal? Are you pre-menopausal?
The good cop/bad cop thing - I think this is very common. One parent is usually stricter than the other.
And the wishing the teens would stay in their room? I can certainly relate to that - we sometimes have a movie night at weekends but it always descends into chaos and arguments! I do quite like the chaos though.

Original poster

Flowers24 · 19/03/2021 14:59

I don't know I just feel crap? My eldest teen eats later with gf who has been staying here temporarily. My younger teen eats in her room but need to stop that and eat with her.
I was hoping one glass a night with sometimes more at weekends was ok but maybe is an issue.

I feel stressed and tired. My joints ache. I have some personal issues going on hence the tears.

Not sure why I posted just felt / feel I am not doing things right?

OP posts:

Loopyloututu2 · 19/03/2021 15:09

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and are maybe letting your dc’s tell you what they’re going to do rather than the other way round?
Time to turn things around maybe and start laying down some rules. Have a talk with your dh and see if you can get him on board as a United front is always going to work better.

I usually tell the older teens they can’t eat in their rooms bc of hygiene issues and I don’t want crumbs everywhere (I do think eating in bed is slovenly and gross tbh). Tell them you are going to eat dinner together as a family from now on as you are not happy with the way things are atm. TELL them, don’t ask them!

The wine sounds like it’s a bit of a habit/crutch for you? I don’t think the amount you are drinking is bad but maybe try cutting it out for a few weeks and see if it makes you feel better? I stopped drinking bc I hate the fuzzy-headed feeling the next day and also I’d rather use my calories on something useful rather than drinking them.

And the feeling emotional is obvs related to your health so a trip to the gp to talk about how you’re feeling? There could be something to help you - you say you have some personal issues - could these be what’s making you feel down?
Hope you feel better soon OP - vent away on here!

Original poster

Flowers24 · 19/03/2021 15:12

But what do I do if older teen and gf prefer to.eat later ? She also has issues with eating and uncomfortable sitting with while family eating regularly.

Thought a start would be eat with younger one and go from there.?

OP posts:

Belledan1 · 19/03/2021 15:17

Wow Suspria777 you sound like not a very nice attention seeking person. Sorry you are down OP . I feel constant guilt being a parent sometimes. As others say you are not intentionally harming your kids You sound like a good mom.

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