Am I a bad mum?

[Flowers24]

Ok this is me

I / we don't eat together as a family every night not even most nights

I still pay for older teens phone even though they have a small PT job

I drink a glass of wine every evening

Sometimes I drink up to 3 on a sat night

I crave alone time and sometimes hope the teens do stay in their room

I sometimes have a good cry in my car alone

I am too.soft and dh is bad cop

That’s a difficult one if the gf is citing eating issues - but it sounds like a bit of an excuse? My teens make up all sorts to get their own way. It’s a bit of a cheek really when she’s staying in your home - the least she could do is spend 20 mins eating a meal with the family.
Do what is right for you, but it does sounds like you need to be a bit firmer and have some rules in place. People eating in their own bedroom and barely coming out for air is antisocial and unhealthy IMO.
Sometimes we have to do things that make us a bit uncomfortable or that we’d rather not for the sake of family harmony/being polite.

"I could be wrong but I read it as "3 am".

Nope, just re-read - 1 glass in the week and sometimes up to 3 on a Saturday night.

OP, I can't comment on the other things going on in your life and I hope you can get some help, if you need it but please don't feel that you have a drinking problem because if that is your genuine consumption, you certainly do not.

I will say though that I've been through the teenage years and it can be really hard but they come out the other side and it gets better (when they leave home 👍👍)

The wine thing. If you're having a glass and night and extra at the weekend you'll probably be close to or just over the recommended guidelines for women. It's not the start of a slippery slope into alcoholism and desperation, but it is something you can start to take charge of. I went through a similar process (beer rather than wine for me, but same principle) and switched from having a beer every evening to making it a beer every other evening.

It probably has no meaningful health benefit, but it stops me from worrying that my drinking might be a problem. And, after making it reward based, I'm able to use the prospect of a pint to motivate me to exercise more.

On a practical note, it meant having less booze in the house (can't drink what's not there) and making a deliberate decision to buy from a specialist store rather than the supermarket (so I couldn't just nip out and get some cans when I fancied).

Have a deep breath. You sound like a loving mum who's totally worn out by what has been a trying year for everyone.

Are you stuck between everyone, with DH complaining about the D.C.?

Instead of trying a wholesale shift and feeling crap about yourself, think about one thing you'd like to be different. Maybe, a weekend meal that is served at the table and everyone joins in with. We do a full English/pancakes etc on Saturday morning- it makes sure everyone is up by 10am, and we often have a board game afterward. Pick something that you think would be good, a family walk, a meal, anything, and strongly encourage everyone to join in. If they don't eat with you at that meal, then they eat at the table alone later.

@Flowers24 eating with your teens isn’t a big deal, if you’d like to spend more time with younger DD then by all means eat with her but I don’t think you can insist your older teen eats with you.

This doesn’t make you a bad mum, your DC are growing up and that can be incredibly tough especially if you’ve got other troubles too. Be kind to yourself and keep taking here if you would like some support. And reach out to your doctor if you’re feeling too stressed and upset, they might be able to help even if it’s arranging a counsellor to talk things through with

Thanks, my first plan is we all eat together on a Sunday, something I can put on the table for everyone to dive in, that's my starting point , starting this Sunday.

Also I like the idea of a wine every other eve as although i do not have much, i fear every night is a bad habit,

thanks x

[quote CatsHairEverywhere]@Flowers24 eating with your teens isn’t a big deal, if you’d like to spend more time with younger DD then by all means eat with her but I don’t think you can insist your older teen eats with you.

This doesn’t make you a bad mum, your DC are growing up and that can be incredibly tough especially if you’ve got other troubles too. Be kind to yourself and keep taking here if you would like some support. And reach out to your doctor if you’re feeling too stressed and upset, they might be able to help even if it’s arranging a counsellor to talk things through with [/quote]
Thanks in my head I seem to have made it a huge deal and its causing me stress, hence thinking i am letting my family down and being a bad mum. Keep imagining other families all eating together every eve and laughing and chatting.

Maybe your older dc could cook once a week? . My 14 yo dd does!! Ime meal times are invaluable in keeping good family relationships going. Even my 4 teens manage to be civil(to each other!) during a meal.

Teenagers can be hard work , you could do a buffet tea on Sunday maybe the older ones gf might feel more comfortable with that and will join you

Yes my idea was a help yourself kind of tea on Sunday , bits on bowls etc to help yourself

Don't beat yourself up. Teenagers don't like being around other humans.

You aren't doing anything wrong and you certainly don't sound like a bad mum

You only have to be 'good enough'- read Donald Winnicott, don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Thanks , this has given me a little boost :)

@Wearywithteens

We hardly ever eat together but occasionally I’ll do a Mexican night or a big roast or we’ll order a big takeaway etc. they all congregate and we are a magazine picture family to the outside world just for a couple of hours. We chat and laugh but I don’t think we would if it was an everyday thing.

I also hardly ever cook, so when I do it’s ‘thanks mum’ all round.

Sometimes not falling into the trap of being ‘perfect mum’ (i.e. everyone’s slave) has its benefits. You can be fun mum, slob mum, gossip mum, pissed off mum, let’s all get a Nando’s mum... etc. Don’t beat yourself up OP - you are absolutely good enough as you are.

I need to change my name to your user name :)

I think none of the things you've mentioned are your real issues. You need to deal with whatever the personal issues are as they are bringing you down and making you feel crap about everything, the eating isn't really a huge deal xxx

Ive made it a huge deal though as it seems everyone else eats together , if you dont there is a huge family breakdown?

As they get older I don’t think the eating at different times if people are doing different things is a problem. I do think eating in bedrooms by yourself is a problem and probably not the best way to go - at the very least come downstairs to eat and chat! I do think a minimum of once a week is good though - if you’re all in the house together eating together is nice.

I would also cut out the alcohol every day. Alcohol free days are good for you!

@wishywashywoowoo70

Don't beat yourself up. Teenagers don't like being around other humans. You aren't doing anything wrong and you certainly don't sound like a bad mum

What an odd thing to think. Do you have teens? I do as do most of my friends and this not something I've come across

Are you sure it's not just you?

Ime The Table is neutral ground. No nagging!! Just a chance to catch up... Even my adult dc come once a week for tea and a catch up... By accepting dc retreating to their rooms for food ime gives them the OK to check out of family life. Nobody should be given the nod to do that. Imo.

@CatsHairEverywhere

do you abuse your children? Deprive them of their needs? Do you not love them?

If the answer is no, then you’re not a bad mum and you know that already.

Not trying to say OP specifically is a bad mum bit let's stop normalizing the bare minimum for parents.

You wanted a kid and brought it into this world. Yes not abusing them and meeting their needs is the bare minimum and you shouldn't have kids if the only thing you can do is the bare minimum.

My children ( apart from baby ) are 8 and 14 an we never ever eat together x

I think it's a healthy habit to eat together and it's definitely worth a try for you to instigate it once a week. We do generally eat together (DC are 17, 15, 10) and I try (and sometimes fail) to keep phones away. Sometimes we do all have a laugh and a good chat but sometimes it's a bit muted, sometimes they can't wait to get away and occasionally there's a horrible row over something or other. That's life with teens I think. I doubt anyone has it picture perfect, we certainly don't but at least there's some connection together every day. Good luck OP, I hope it goes well for you.

I sometimes feel like a bad mum as the only time Teen DD will share with me is on messaging right before bed. But then I think about the fact that at least she will share with me/ seek my advice, that's got to be a good thing. We don't eat together as the kids are starving when we get in and are off to sports when DH is home.

I think you sound normal. There is no right way to do it.