Feeling pressured to have another child

[loveheartss]

Hello,

I just need some impartial opinions/advice really.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years. We never had a conversation really about how many children we would like (or be lucky enough to have!) although we both knew we would like at least one, one day.

Fast forward 4 years and we started trying. It took a year to conceive and I sadly miscarried a twin pregnancy at 10 weeks. It was a really heartbreaking time, especially as I already suffered with bad anxiety and OCD (diagnosed, not self diagnosed) and both of these things increased due to the loss. We were very fortunate that we conceived our daughter only 2 months later. She is now 18 months old and I am very happy.

The only thing that is a bit of a cloud is my partner has started piling on the pressure to give her a sibling. I am really not sure if I am ready for that right now. I found the pregnancy with my daughter a really hard time because of my anxiety and of course it was even worse because of the pregnancy loss previously. Our daughter is also not a good sleeper. I am also still breastfeeding twice a day. I just feel like I need to take some time to have my body back and to get my anxiety under control, I really don't think I could cope reasonably with two.

I have a full time job that I am really settled in and earn a nice amount, as does my partner. Basically, I just feel like we are in such an ideal place right now with just one. He has started calling me selfish recently for "refusing" to give our child a sibling. I just feel this is really unfair when I have been honest with him and said I don't think I could cope right now with two and not sure I could handle another pregnancy at this time. He sulked. And left it alone for a week and then started asking my daughter "would you like a little brother or sister" and because she cant understand responds for her "yes please mummy" and I'm finding it really quite unbearable.

I know he has the option to leave if it is a deal breaker for him, but I never promised a set amount of children. I would find it really sad for my daughter if our family was broken up but I also know some people can't get past this. I just feel like the burden would fall heavily on my shoulders if we had another - I already do the lion share of the childcare as he works 6 days a week.

Thoughts or experiences? It's really starting to drain me.

Are you not wanting a child at all in the future or just not right now?

Ah that's not nice of your partner at all. I had a similar situation to you (multiple miscarriages before conceiving) and also felt like you initially, couldn't bear the thought of going through more potential heartache. My dh wanted another but was respectful of my feelings. I did change my mind and we tried for another but it wasn't until my first was older and I felt ready (5 year age gap).

Splitting up would hopefully be a last resort, I would just tell your partner that having another in the near future is not on the table and no amount of pressure from him will change your mind but it will make you dislike him! Say that you are prepared to revisit the conversation annually and that you'll discuss it again in a years time and go from there. It is your choice and you are not selfish. He is being selfish trying to guilt you into it.

then started asking my daughter "would you like a little brother or sister" and because she cant understand responds for her "yes please mummy" and I'm finding it really quite unbearable.

This is a really low move! I wouldn’t want another baby with that arsehole!

YANBU to not want another baby. You don’t need the ample good reasons you have. Not wanting one is enough of a reason.

Obviously he is being an ass the way he is behaving and it should be a calm conversation, not sniping at you as selfish. I would be honest with yourself and write down (factoring if you did get pregnant straight away, the 9 months) where you would want things to be at before having another. So for example, DD not breastfeeding, or not before she is almost 2 and half or to have been back at work for x time. Whatever your reasons are and then you have it straight with yourself before talking to him. And one condition could be if he stepped up you would have one sooner.

Wow. Not great. Would make me never want another - the emotional manipulation

Does he do much today around the home etc?
Would you be FT if you had 2 DC or would he expect you to drop to PT?

Well, obviously Yanbu. Of course you shouldn't put your body, or your mental health, through pregnancy if you don't want to. I mean from an outside perspective it is an absolute no-brainer. You have articulated your thoughts and feelings rationally, calmly and sympathetically here - if you have explained it like this to DH, and he is still bullying you about it, then I'm sorry but I do think you have to question whether it is right to bring another baby into the family.

As a practical suggestion - say to him, that in order to consider having another child, you will need some changes to happen in the family unit. Firstly, you need to improve your physical and mental health, so you want three evenings a week to yourself, to spend with friends or getting fit, with him doing the childcare. Second, you want a 50:50 split of ALL household chores including housework, booking playdates, arranging children's parties, booking dental appointments, cooking, shopping, buying clothes for your DC, maintaining house and garden, buying Christmas and birthday gifts for family and friends, car maintenance, organising holidays, household budgeting, financial planning and saving, everything you can think of really.

In some ways, i do completely understand he might like the idea of another child, but he is going about it entirely the wrong way. Who wants to have a baby with a horrible bully? Tell him bluntly that there is NO WAY you want to have another baby with a man-child who is intimidating and manipulating you into another pregnancy and that perhaps, he could consider if you felt supported and mentally well, it might be something on the agenda in a few years time, when your body has recovered and you aren't handling a young toddler.

For comparable experience: I held out for EIGHT YEARS before I had my second child. It was 100% totally the right thing for my family and i have absolutely loved the experience of having an older child and a baby. And my DH and I have figured out a lot of things in OUR relationship that i definitely wanted fixed before we took that big step of creating a whole new person together again.

Be strong, stand up to him. Nothing you have said is even remotely unreasonable.

Both parents need to want a child strongly. It's sad if they don't agree but the non child wanting parent has the veto. Your partner needs to learn to express his feelings without being manipulative.

YANBU. You're being very sensible. It would be selfish to have a baby if you know you're not in the right place. I can't believe the audacity of your partner. It's not his body that has to grow, birth and feed the baby. Please don't be bullied by this dickhead.

I haven't said absolutely never but I do feel very strongly that now would not be a good time.

He has a sister who he is very close in age to, only a year and is saying if our daughter gets to 2 and we haven't even started trying then he doesn't want another one because the age gap would be too big!? But has made it clear he will very very upset if he has to give up on his "dream".

I just think he refuses to see it from my point of view at all and has a set idea in his head of what life should be like, he is like this in other areas too. If something doesn't go how he saw it in his mind he gets very down about it and sulky. Very off putting actually.

Please remember that you have the option to leave if he continues his sulking and emotional manipulation. Does he really think those behaviours are going to get him what he wants? Have a calm discussion by all means but make it very clear to him that he is not to use your child in his games.
You're the one who has the final say on this.

After two children born via section and a difficult time after birth I told dh I was done at 2. We had a dd and ds. He admitted that he very much wanted a 3rd but would be happy to go along with what I wanted as it is me who goes through the pregnancy. He is a very capable parent, just as much as me and certainly parents as much as I do. He then broached the subject again when outer ds was 2 and I said I was happy to discuss in another year and would take tome to think about it. When ds was 3 we were in the middle of the pandemic and I raised it with dh and he said he still wanted 3 but in the middle of the pandemic, in the first lockdown was probably not a good idea as I am patient facing. We discussed it again in the autumn of last year and I decided that I would like one more if he still wanted to. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. The point of my post is I never felt coerced by dh, there was never a hint or suggestion of leaving our family if I didn't agree, he never made me feel guilty or upset over this.

I would not want another baby with your oh simply because of his attitude. A loving partner respects your choices . He could also demonstrate a desire to alleviate your worries over another pregnancy by pulling his weight. As he is not I wouldn't let myself be worn down. X

He has a sister who he is very close in age to, only a year and is saying if our daughter gets to 2 and we haven't even started trying then he doesn't want another one because the age gap would be too big!? But has made it clear he will very very upset if he has to give up on his "dream".

My DDs have nearly 7 years age difference. That’s not what I would have planned but we had things we wanted to do first (house, careers, wedding...) and then it took a year for us to conceive. My eldest adores her baby sister and my youngest lights up when her big sister appears.

My sister and I are 3 years apart and very close. My DH is a couple of years younger than his brother and a couple of years older than his youngest sister. The sibling he is closest to is his eldest sister who is nearly 5 years older than him. Age gaps don’t dictate how siblings will get on.

I would go ballistic at anyone that called me selfish for not wanting to go through pregnancy, especially after what you’ve been through.

What a dick head. Ask him why it’s selfish for you to say ‘not yet’ but it’s not selfish of him to push the question when he knows how much your previous pregnancies have disrupted your life, physically and mentally? Ask him why he seemingly feels one child is not enough? Ask him why he feels he has a right to try and force you to use your body as an incubator to fulfil HIS wants and dreams because he had an ideal of less than a year between two children?

I would also be clear with him that his rigid way of thinking and sulking when he doesn’t get his own way doesn’t endear you to him at all, and that maybe he needs to buck up his behaviour as parent of one child before another is thrown in the mix.

I feel awful saying this but I feel like I am a good mum to my daughter, I am not sure if I would be to more. I have only recently truly started getting to grips with the sleep deprivation and finding my feet. I almost feel it would be unfair on my current child.

And also, the first one was a twin pregnancy so I guess it is also in my mind that you cannot guarantee a singleton pregnancy anyway and could I hand on heart say I could handle 3 children right now, definitely not. He is saying we would just cope, we would have to. But really, it would be me having to cope as he is not in the house very often.

Does he do en equal share of the day to day grunge of parenting and housework?? I don't been playing and fun stuff but the rest of it?

Ask him if he would shared parental leave and change jobs etc to do an equal share...

Him asking your DD like that is outrageous. I would tell him that until he proves himself a better parent and partner then you're not even going to have the conversation, and even then, he has to be an adult about it and not a big baby. You've already said you're not ready for one of those right now!

Although I do agree that he is going about this in entirely the wrong way, I do feel some sympathy for him (and you of course ) because you have lost a twin pregnancy where your babies were going to have each other and have subsequently conceived a singleton so it might be something he considers more ?

I would not be having another child with someone who is behaving so badly and doesn’t seem to respect you as a person. And bringing your child into is disgusting.

Ignore all the other implications for you for a moment such as the impact of pregnancy and childbirth. Is he willing to take maternity leave and do the bulk of the childcare? Put his career on hold? What is he willing to do other than impregnate you?

On my gosh, he should not be getting your daughter involved. That makes my skin crawl. I think he’s being completely out off order. An adult conversation is one thing, where you both listen and take on board the other’s point of view - moaning and sulking because you don’t get your way is quite another.

Also, it’s YOUR body that has to go through pregnancy and it sounds like you do most of the childcare / housework as well. So what you think is paramount. I would definitely be telling him I’m not impressed with his behaviour and the sulking etc has got to stop. He needs to listen to the women who is going to be carrying the child and doing the majority of looking after it. Good luck OP.

no he doesn't do anything really, he will occasionally do bath time if he is here. And of course he contributes financially but I can't really salute him too much for that because we put into bills completely equally.

I'm not sure the twin pregnancy has contributed tbh, as when I asked him where all this was coming from he claims he has "always" wanted a very close age gap. He never shared this with me prior to having our child. I think it's quite a naïve attitude really - you can never guarantee anything, even if I was 100 percent onboard.

He sounds like an emotionally manipulative twat.

And FWIW my 2 DDs who are 3 years apart are infinitely closer than my sibling and I who are only 18 months apart. Sibling closeness has far more to do with personality, parenting and environment than it does how big their age gap is.

It’s all the more frustrating that he talks about how ‘we’ would cope when you’re the one carrying the pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding and dong the lions share of childcare. Tbh someone who has such little respect for what you already do as a mother doesn’t sound like the sort of person you should be looking into having more
children with.

It’s ok to have one child. I’m a mum to one, love my kid and never regret having him for one second - but i’ve always known i was done at one and didn’t want to have more. And i think i’ve been a better parent for that decision to the child I have. Other people are amazing parents to two or more kids - I would not have been. If that’s how you feel then stay firm, there is nothing wrong with liking things how they are. If he finds it’s a dealbreaker then fine, but it should always be the one who doesn’t want kids who takes precedence because it’s shit when people have kids they don’t really want - the children are the ones who suffer at the end of the day.

Sulking to get your own way is so childish, seems you already have two children! It also seems you are going it alone already as he is never there. Talking to your daughter and using her to blackmail you is beyond low. I think you've answered your own question.

Also i’ve got a sibling very close to me in age and i’d really have preferred to be an only child, can’t stand him and i’m very happy without him in my life anymore. There’s never any guarantee siblings will get along or be close, no matter the age gap.