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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling pressured to have another child

74 replies

loveheartss · 19/03/2021 10:05

Hello,

I just need some impartial opinions/advice really.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years. We never had a conversation really about how many children we would like (or be lucky enough to have!) although we both knew we would like at least one, one day.

Fast forward 4 years and we started trying. It took a year to conceive and I sadly miscarried a twin pregnancy at 10 weeks. It was a really heartbreaking time, especially as I already suffered with bad anxiety and OCD (diagnosed, not self diagnosed) and both of these things increased due to the loss. We were very fortunate that we conceived our daughter only 2 months later. She is now 18 months old and I am very happy.

The only thing that is a bit of a cloud is my partner has started piling on the pressure to give her a sibling. I am really not sure if I am ready for that right now. I found the pregnancy with my daughter a really hard time because of my anxiety and of course it was even worse because of the pregnancy loss previously. Our daughter is also not a good sleeper. I am also still breastfeeding twice a day. I just feel like I need to take some time to have my body back and to get my anxiety under control, I really don't think I could cope reasonably with two.

I have a full time job that I am really settled in and earn a nice amount, as does my partner. Basically, I just feel like we are in such an ideal place right now with just one. He has started calling me selfish recently for "refusing" to give our child a sibling. I just feel this is really unfair when I have been honest with him and said I don't think I could cope right now with two and not sure I could handle another pregnancy at this time. He sulked. And left it alone for a week and then started asking my daughter "would you like a little brother or sister" and because she cant understand responds for her "yes please mummy" and I'm finding it really quite unbearable.

I know he has the option to leave if it is a deal breaker for him, but I never promised a set amount of children. I would find it really sad for my daughter if our family was broken up but I also know some people can't get past this. I just feel like the burden would fall heavily on my shoulders if we had another - I already do the lion share of the childcare as he works 6 days a week.

Thoughts or experiences? It's really starting to drain me.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 19/03/2021 11:40

He has a sister who he is very close in age to, only a year and is saying if our daughter gets to 2 and we haven't even started trying then he doesn't want another one because the age gap would be too big!? But has made it clear he will very very upset if he has to give up on his "dream".

I think he is totally unreasonable, and the above is ridiculous. Loads of siblings have bigger age gaps than this.

He should absolutely not be piling pressure on you, particularly when he isn't even pulling his weight with the one you have.

I would be sitting down with him and asking why he doesn't seem to care that you have said you can't cope with two at the moment. Why doesn't that matter to him?

BigFatLiar · 19/03/2021 11:48

He really needs to back off. Even if you wanted another baby just now theres no guarantee it would happen. Absolutely agree that you need to get your own body and health back.

We couldn't have any more and I knew OH would have liked a son and felt guilty about it but he said that he'd married me to be with me not to have children, they were a bonus.

Original poster
loveheartss · 19/03/2021 12:15

Thanks for responses.

In answer to the marriage questions, we are engaged and were planning for last year but it was postponed due to COVID. Have not rearranged yet as was waiting to see what the situation would be this year.

He has only started this dialogue in the last few months despite claiming this is something he has always wanted. I think it's because his best friend has 2 children very close in age. What he doesn't know, that I do because I speak to the childrens mum, is that she is finding it very hard, especially the loss of identity because she has quit her job and only has a 10 month gap between the two. She gets hardly any sleep, has very low self esteem now and they argue all the time. You would NEVER think this from the pictures they have on social media and from what his best friend tells him. I don't want to betray her confidence but there are times where I want to tell him exactly how a couple who are very close to us are really struggling and that that is how it can (not always I'm sure) be with two close together. His best friend is also a workaholic and is apparently oblivious to what is going on at home (I don't see how he can be but that's not my business I suppose).

OP posts:
Original poster
loveheartss · 19/03/2021 12:16

Only just thought about that might be where it's suddenly coming from as I spoke to the mum on the phone a little while ago and it made me think.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 19/03/2021 12:18

He sounds bloody horrible so this may push you to reconsider the relationship eventially anyway. But...

I already do the lion share of the childcare as he works 6 days a week.

-my intial response would be along the lines of 'I'm happy to consider it. The practicalities would mean that you'd have to go part-time, if you were willing to do that as you want it so much, we could maybe talk about it. But I've been clear that I'm already at my limit with one, post-pregnancy, and full time work.'

dootdoot · 19/03/2021 12:35

Everyone else has already summed up the overall issues with you husbands behaviour but just to add, I have two siblings and I'm considerably closer with the one I have a larger age gap with (5 years) rather than the sibling only 2 years older than me.

I also know several only children who love it, had very happy childhoods and are well-rounded adults

Juno231 · 19/03/2021 12:45

OP you are continuously avoiding/glossing over the part where your OH is not only emotionally manipulating you but also doing f all at home?

Please don't marry him whilst your relationship is like this, it sounds really unhealthy.

DaphneBridgerton · 19/03/2021 12:52

If he wanted another child that badly, I would have expected him to make suggestions as to how he could help you to manage... for example get you more support for your MH, offer to do more around the house etc. Sounds like he's totally oblivious to some of your struggles... or he is truly selfish. Have you sat him down and explained exactly what you've written in your post?

Original poster
loveheartss · 19/03/2021 13:02

Oh we haven't rearranged anything atm anyway, this has only started becoming a real issue in the last few months. The house work situation didn't seem so glaringly obvious until I went back to work (again this was only a few months ago) when I realise that I am doing a full time job and pretty much everything around the house.

I know he thinks because I work from home it is easier for me than him but I work a job where you have to think all day and work things out so although his job is more physical mine is certainly more mental.

I wouldn't even mind his urgency if we were on a bit of a biological clock but we are not, we are both in our 20s. I have never said never I have said not right now. It is very frustrating and as others have alluded to, is beginning to make me question our relationship which is a shame because we did get on very well before.

I think he just compares himself far too much to other people and like I said has very set ideas about how things should be.

OP posts:
LilMidge01 · 19/03/2021 13:14

He has started calling me selfish recently for "refusing" to give our child a sibling.

Fucking hell. I hate it when people jump to LTB but I would be seriously considering who the hell this man is and why I love him.....

RandomMess · 19/03/2021 13:14

You need to get absolutely honest with him out his lack of doing his fair share of housework, mental load and parenting.

Presumably he gets a lunch break and alone time on his commute??? Tell him you need that too just as much as him.

You each should have equal leisure time.

Whythesadface · 19/03/2021 13:19

Tell him if he wants another child he first needs to parent the first.
Tell him he needs to book a few days holiday, and he can be in sole charge for a few days. He needs to do everything including over nights.

NormanStangerson · 19/03/2021 13:36

@loveheartss I’m sorry. He sounds like such a selfish goon. It’s easy to want millions of kids when you do fuck all to raise them. Calling you selfish is beyond the pale.

You both contribute the same to the household, and yet you do almost everything else for the family? This pisses me off so much. I despise entitled men like your partner Sad

BountyIsUnderrated · 19/03/2021 13:59

Also not everyone likes their siblings. I always fought with my two sisters and we are not really close. It's also a pain because everything is always split and you are always fighting over things like who gets what..

PurpleMustang · 19/03/2021 16:54

The whole sibling gap issue is just perspective. In his childhood it worked. You could ask a whole 100 people and they will all give you a different answer. And by the sound of him if the siblings don't get along no matter what the gap he will find a way to blame you. He needs a reality check. He is looking at his childhood but he can't forcibly recreate that with your children. There is no guarantees they will get along.

VettiyaIruken · 19/03/2021 17:01

Tell him it's easy for him to bully you into another child when he won't be the one carrying and giving birth to, doing all the early grunt work for and going on ho he's been to date, you'll be expected to do most of the house stuff!

If he wants you to even consider it he needs to grow up and do his fair share

BonnieDundee · 19/03/2021 17:02

What he is doing to your child is emotional abuse. Do you want to stay with him?

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2021 17:04

He does none of the actual work and expects you to have another baby so he looks good. Is there anything redeemable here op? I can’t see why you would stay with him for 5 more minutes. He’s sulky, trying to emotionally manipulate you, bullying you. You really don’t have to put up with this shit

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 19/03/2021 17:06

That is awful behaviour from your partner!

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 19/03/2021 17:54

Of course he wants another, he knows you’ll do all the hard work and his life will barely change.

pitterpatterrain · 19/03/2021 18:51

Yup looks like it OnlyheretovoteonAIBU

Doesn’t sounds like much of a catch unfortunately

The more DC, the more you need a strong partnership - I completely enjoy my FT role yet if my DH contributed practically nothing it would rapidly become infeasible

RampantIvy · 19/03/2021 22:20

I’m saddened and disappointed that 6% of posters voted that the OP was being unreasonable. No-one has any right to force her to go through another pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc, etc, especially given what she has been through and the fact that he doesn’t pull his weight with childcare.

Tell him if he wants another child, he first needs to parent the first

I agree with this^^

SnackSizeRaisin · 19/03/2021 22:36

Both parents have to want a child. If he said no and you wanted another it would be the same. He is completely out of order with this, I think you need to have strong words with him.
My partner didn't want a second child initially. I respected that and waited until he felt the time was right. Even though it was me that would be pregnant, giving birth, doing most of the childcare.

Carbara · 19/03/2021 23:14

What a repugnant boyfriend you picked, OP. Deadbeat wants you as a brood mare, some kind of virile status symbol, since he doesn’t parent. 🤮

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