Feeling pressured to have another child

[loveheartss]

Hello,

I just need some impartial opinions/advice really.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years. We never had a conversation really about how many children we would like (or be lucky enough to have!) although we both knew we would like at least one, one day.

Fast forward 4 years and we started trying. It took a year to conceive and I sadly miscarried a twin pregnancy at 10 weeks. It was a really heartbreaking time, especially as I already suffered with bad anxiety and OCD (diagnosed, not self diagnosed) and both of these things increased due to the loss. We were very fortunate that we conceived our daughter only 2 months later. She is now 18 months old and I am very happy.

The only thing that is a bit of a cloud is my partner has started piling on the pressure to give her a sibling. I am really not sure if I am ready for that right now. I found the pregnancy with my daughter a really hard time because of my anxiety and of course it was even worse because of the pregnancy loss previously. Our daughter is also not a good sleeper. I am also still breastfeeding twice a day. I just feel like I need to take some time to have my body back and to get my anxiety under control, I really don't think I could cope reasonably with two.

I have a full time job that I am really settled in and earn a nice amount, as does my partner. Basically, I just feel like we are in such an ideal place right now with just one. He has started calling me selfish recently for "refusing" to give our child a sibling. I just feel this is really unfair when I have been honest with him and said I don't think I could cope right now with two and not sure I could handle another pregnancy at this time. He sulked. And left it alone for a week and then started asking my daughter "would you like a little brother or sister" and because she cant understand responds for her "yes please mummy" and I'm finding it really quite unbearable.

I know he has the option to leave if it is a deal breaker for him, but I never promised a set amount of children. I would find it really sad for my daughter if our family was broken up but I also know some people can't get past this. I just feel like the burden would fall heavily on my shoulders if we had another - I already do the lion share of the childcare as he works 6 days a week.

Thoughts or experiences? It's really starting to drain me.

What so he gets ultimate say on your body does he? He gets to decide if you carry a baby and give birth, he also gets to go to work six days a week so you can deal with the majority of the childcare while you are pregnant and also while you are recovering. Christ, how entitled could he get?

It’s one thing for you to have a difference of opinion and him to say that he wants another, it’s completely another for you to say ‘not yet, I’m still reeling from the first’. If you had said no out right I could see him maybe being a bit upset, and it might be something he couldn’t get past. However you’re saying you’re not ready. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to wait a few years between babies, me and my brother have 7 years between us and we’re very close now. Age has nothing to do with closeness growing up.

He needs to start appreciating everything you’ve done to even enable him to have the first, even the very act of giving birth should have made him realise just how much harder it is for you. We don’t get the easy end of things as women and I’m so sick of men that think they have say over our bodies when they have no idea the strain it takes. We all just take it in stride, but really it IS easier for them.

You're not married?

Time for him to start doing far far far more with DD.

Tell him he barely does anything to look after his current child so it's time for him to do all her laundry, all the night wakings, bath and bed every night, breakfast everyday and packing her nursery bag etc etc etc.

Tell him after 2 months of him doing all that then you will discuss it.

Do you get equal leisure time? Does indulge in hobbies as much as you?

He should have shared that with you before (re: the age gap) if it was so important to him. But even if he had and you’d agreed in theory, you’re entitled to change your mind!

I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I had three miscarriages before I had my daughter. It was immensely stressful and it does change how you think about things. I have a 1-year-old and I’m not ready to ttc again so I think I understand a bit how you feel. These things are not straightforward but having miscarriages does make you realise you really aren’t necessarily in control of age gaps and having a baby exactly when you want one.

no he doesn't do anything really, he will occasionally do bath time if he is here. And of course he contributes financially but I can't really salute him too much for that because we put into bills completely equally.

So he would swan about with no change to his life other than occasional bath times whilst you would have the massive impact of two children very close in age so that he can have his “dream”? Fuck that!

You don't even have the financial security of marriage, so you will sacrifice your career again and then continually whilst he builds his and you are carrying all the financial risk as well doing all the work and contributing 50% to the costs???

I think there is this weird thing sometimes with only children that they have somehow missed out but I know quite a few people who didn't have a sibling or the age gap is massive (mum had met someone else and had another child years down the line) and they are all well rounded decent people who don't feel like they were denied anything.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing Literally. This is a big thing for me too, I am so secure in my job right now, me and our daughter want for nothing and I don't feel overly stretched at all. I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't cope at the moment. When my daughter was born, I had regular panic attacks because I was so afraid something would happen to her, I struggled to breath properly all the time, this went on for a good few months and I felt I was barely keeping my head above water. It saddens me that the fact I don't think I could cope with risking this to my mental health again just now isn't enough for my partner.

@loveheartss

no he doesn't do anything really, he will occasionally do bath time if he is here. And of course he contributes financially but I can't really salute him too much for that because we put into bills completely equally.

I'm not sure the twin pregnancy has contributed tbh, as when I asked him where all this was coming from he claims he has "always" wanted a very close age gap. He never shared this with me prior to having our child. I think it's quite a naïve attitude really - you can never guarantee anything, even if I was 100 percent onboard.

Well, why don't you start here? If you had a partner who took the equal childcare load you might be more open to a conversation.

Why does he do so little?

I have 4DC seriously don't have another one to provide a sibling or any other bollocks. You need to be on board 1000 % prepared to raise 2DV on your own before you consider it.

Pregnancy with toddlers and any other child to look after is a whole different ballgame.

He is taking the piss when he contributes so little towards his current one.

There are 2 years between my older children and I found the jump from one to two children really hard emotionally/mentally so something else to consider.

As for him, he’s a selfish arse.

[quote loveheartss]@BeingATwatItsABingThing Literally. This is a big thing for me too, I am so secure in my job right now, me and our daughter want for nothing and I don't feel overly stretched at all. I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't cope at the moment. When my daughter was born, I had regular panic attacks because I was so afraid something would happen to her, I struggled to breath properly all the time, this went on for a good few months and I felt I was barely keeping my head above water. It saddens me that the fact I don't think I could cope with risking this to my mental health again just now isn't enough for my partner.[/quote]
And if he knows about all of that and that you don’t want another one right now but is still pressuring you, he is a manipulative arsehole and I wouldn’t want to stay with him.

Oh op you have my full sympathies. It sounds like a very stressful situation.
Unless you have been through pregnancy after loss it is difficult to understand how frightening and consuming it can be. I think even for DPs it can be difficult to feel the full extent of the fear. You are absolutely right to say now is not the right time for you. No matter how involved DH is you will always be more impacted by a baby just from the physiological view if nothing else.

Saying that I also remember how desperately I wanted a third and DH changed his mind. It felt like a loss for a while because it was part of our plans for so long. So I do also empathise with how he might be feeling, especially if he is trying to recreate his ‘perfect sibling relationship’ for your DC.

The only thing you can do is keep communicating. Listen to each other. Acknowledge each other’s feelings and try to find a way to explore possibilities to reduce the impact of any potential baby on you so that he can help you feel more secure in moving forward, if that is what you both agree on.

I think he doesn't realise if my mental health did tank again, it wouldn't just be the newborn who would suffer, it would be our current child. And he would potentially have to take time off work to step in because looking back I have no idea how I managed to get through that and that was with just one. He doesn't think about this though, nothing clouds his ideal of the nuclear family.

Put your foot down OP. Don't have another baby if you don't want to. Two kids is really hard work!

Make it clear to him, he drops the subject NOW, or you will split over it.

I like what a PP wrote, get him to do everything for two months. Why should you put your life on hold for him!? Your DD won't miss out what she doesn't know. And there is no guarantee that they will get on with each other, as children or adults. She will have plenty of friends once she starts nursery and school.

Op would he agree to being the sahp with the next child?
If not, why not? He can’t expect tou to do something he won’t

As an only child I've always found this kind of attitude really weird.

1. I'm a perfectly rounded individual
2. how strange for a second child to be seen as a having been created "for" the first child as some kind of weird gift
3. I know plenty of people who did not get on at all with their siblings and if you'd asked them aged 12 they'd have loved to have been an only child

Your "D"P sounds like an emotionally manipulative arsehole.

If he's got such fixed ideas about how life should be, how will he cope when something major doesn't go his way? How will he cope if he has to compromise? If you have a second child and they have additional needs, will that be down to you to sort out? If you don't fall pregnant within his alloted timeframe, that will be your fault will it?

These kind of posts are often the tip of the iceberg, what else does he sulk about?

I think my vagina would have spontaneously clamped shut at the "selfish" comment tbh.

“He doesn't think about this though, nothing clouds his ideal of the nuclear family.”

Well he’s shown you that his ideal and fantasy life is more important to him than the reality you are living, including the child you already have.

Does this ‘ideal’ by any chance also involve a son for him? How keen was he on having more than one before you had a daughter? Have you ever discussed that angle? Maybe he’s not bothered either way but i’ve seen more than one instance where the man is pushing for more kids because he has a girl or girls so far and wants a son. (also seen the reverse before anyone jumps on me!)

Thoughts or experiences?

No experience, but based on your OP and subsequent posts, my thoughts are:

1. Your partner is an asshole
2. You are bearing an unfair portion of the burden of parenting because your partner is an asshole
3. It's your body that has to grow and birth a baby, but are being guilt tripped because your partner is an asshole
4. Your partner is not a partner. Partners support and contribute equally. What you have is a burden that needs a lot of looking after, and a beautiful daughter.

Nuclear family but he didn't want to married first???

OP, have a talk with your partner and say that it is a)your body b) your mental health at risk and c)all the extra work will fall to you - so while you acknowledge that he wants another baby soon you absoloutely don't and won't be discussing it again.

I don't know the stats but 2 friends of mine had mental health issues after their first babies, and then when they had their second it came back a lot worse. One friend had to be hospitalised for months and still has terrible waves of anxiety/depression. A larger age gap is fine and would make things easier for you if your first child is at school/of an age where they can understand and help you out.

This topic comes up often on MN where it’s the woman wanting another child and the man saying no. The overwhelming comments in those is that the person NOT wanting the child has their wishes respected. I’m sure it’s hard but bringing a child into the world that one of two people isn’t 100% on board with isn’t fair.

The other sentiment on those posts is that, yes, the partner who wants another child CAN leave if it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not sure that asking him to do the work for a couple months as “proof” that he’ll step up will mean much once you’re pregnant and he’s gotten his way.

He sounds lazy, manipulative and generally unpleasant to be around.

Also, if he does leave (highly unlikely as he's hardly a catch), good riddance.

I’m sure if he wants more children he can find someone else to do that with. Don’t have a baby you don’t want, it’s your body and you get to decide what happens to it, it’s important for your daughter that your mental health is in check. Don’t risk that if you’re not ready.