Single mums who work full time

[Singlenmumprobs]

I’ve been offered a job, better than what I’m doing now more chance for progression(although not loads) and doing something I think I’d like and be good at. But it’s full time, 9-5 with a half hour minimum drive commute. More on bad traffic days. So potentially kids at school from 8-6.

My job now is walking distance, 9-3 and term time but I don’t enjoy it and it’s not going anywhere.

Aibu to turn down the job id love for my kids? I know in a few years (youngest is half way through primary) they wont need me as much in the holidays and I could build myself a better career between now and then. But they need me now. I have nobody to help out. They’d be in a (expensive) holiday club for most of their school holidays 8-6. They’d massively struggle with that, they’d hate it too. I’m sure they’d have fun some days but would definitely find it really hard. Youngest finds school really difficult as it is.

I know I have to turn it down. Hopefully I can work on my skills and try again in a few years.
How do others manage?

Sounds miserable for the kids.

I'd keep applying for things and hope something comes up that is more suited to you & what you want out of a career, but not requiring you to have the kids in this amount of childcare. I'd feel too guilty as a mum and would have hated it as a kid, too.

I did it. Worked 14-15 hour days 3-4 days per week.

Mum had the dc when I was at work. She would pick them up the night before I had a shift and bring them home when I finished. My boss gave me 3 days in a row as much as possible which helped.

But it had a massive impact on my mum too. She couldn't book last minute holidays because I needed to know in advance to book leave. If the dc were sick and off school she would cancel plans to have them so I didn't lose wages. If it was a weekend she arranged getting them to and from their dads house, and stepped in when he cancelled last minute. She took them to their extra curricular clubs and made sure homework was done.
It worked well, and my mum and my dc are incredibly close. They effectively lived with her half the week. In the holidays she took them away and I picked up overtime.

And my dc are far from neglected!

I have worked full time since my DC started school and it is a huge juggling act. Over the years I have used holiday clubs but found the best option was a childminder which also covered school holidays. They could be in a home environment before and after school, she did the school run and was also flexible, would give them tea if needed and also return them back to school for things like discos, etc after they changed at her house. I also kept all of my annual leave for the holidays so could take 2 days a week off throughout the hols too. I very rarely had 'unpaid' help, even from DCs father.

For a job you love it can be worth it if you can get the right set up in place

@XelaM
Indeed, why can't every single mother be a high-flying solicitor working until 4 am (and presumably then up at 6/7 in the morning for the school run?)
I have a career, but I can't do it all. If I am "working all hours of the day" - and sometimes I am - the kids are plonked after school in front of the TV with a happy meal, zero reading and zero homework.

First off, I take my hat off to any single parent working full time or part time.

Secondly, it sounds like you feel this isn’t the right time/hours etc. and will likely decline. As someone who interviews and recruits a lot can I suggest you’re totally honest. What you don’t ask for you don’t get. Tell them you are a single parent. Tell them you see this as a brilliant opportunity and are super excited and what you can offer but that you’re conscious about the hours and commute etc. Don’t position it like you want the world on a stick with a cherry on top but just say are there any other flexible working we could make work for both parties - 30hrs per week, full time but 1- 2 days from home so you don’t have the commute etc.

Be honest. The person recruiting might be a single parent too. I’m not but am a reasonable human being, know life and know ‘talent’ when I see it such that a request for flexible working doesn’t put me off. If they say no and you really don’t want to do the hours thats fine. Lots of 2 parent families work those hours so don’t feel bad either way.

Best of luck to you :)

I don’t think it is possible to be a full-time single mother, have a full-time job and avoid neglecting children. I am in this position, I regret it every day

I think you are wrong. I'm a childminder who has cared for the children of many full time working single parents. The children are fabulous and certainly don't come to any harm.

I collect the children from school and cook them a healthy 2 course meal each day so their parents don't have to cook when they get home. I often box up leftovers for the parents too.

I help with homework if needed, we chill, play games, cook, whatever takes,their fancy really. Apart from sitting down for a meal together we don't have any set routines. The children make friends here and carry on those friendships out of school and I also (when numbers allow) encourage them to bring a friend back for a play date (or to hang out as I'm told it is now)

Children adapt quicker when their parents don't apologise for doing what they need to do.

It's become the narrative to say that now women were wrong to say they could do it all. Bollocks.
But this is very often true. I am not ashamed now to say that no, I couldn't do it all. All the success stories on this thread so far were situations where single mothers have quite significant help from family, split custody or another major source of help behind the scenes. Not all of us are in the same situation, and it looks like the OP gravitates more towards the "no support" end of the spectrum.

Well no. You spend the time with them after school and once they are in bed, you carry on working.
I've been single since the youngest is 1. She reads every night and has never missed a deadline for homework thank you very much. In fact, in her mother's day card she thanked me for helping her with her school work.

Forin, like I said, it's not easy and some days I feel like something has got to give. But overall we make it work and I know my girls respect me and look up to me. They are learning so much from seeing me work so hard to provide for them. But please don't think they don't get the live, time and have their emotional needs met. I haven't once bad mouthed others for working part time or not at all. I'm hopefully explaining to OP that it can be done and that I am far from the exception you think I am.

Do you get any sort of beneficial help?

Universal credit/ tax credits?

I ask as I’m in your position (single mum, working full time with 2 children) and it is hard but the reality is sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I get beneficial help that I put towards childcare.

Is that an option at all?

@MotherHubbard2020 18 weeks per year? Or am I being totally stupid! I’ve never heard of that

But I don't have family support? I have an SEN child? Their dad has them two nights a week but that doesn't change my working day in any way. Ok, I suppose I don't have to pay for after school club on a Friday night 🙄.

Everyone's situation IS different. My employers have been amazing when I've had to leave work as my child has had a meltdown at school. Or the other one has various hospital appointments. I'm sure I have been very lucky in many respects. I had a career before my divorce. I also had the fight in me to do well out of the divorce which gave me the means to buy a new house and life (my mortgage is high-i am not well off by any means of the imagination and live in a house below national average value).
But there is no choice for many women other than to work full-time. The implication we are doing them harm goes against every feminist bone in my body!

I always said that if I had to work FT then so be it, we would just have to manage. However with autistic, anxious DS we have been barely able to keep him in school and holiday childcare and after-school club became impossible. Younger secondary is even harder than primary actually, as holiday clubs DS can manage tend to stop at 11.

I think with your SEN child in the perfect school and gold-plated childcare lined up (a nanny, probably, or CM possibly, or provision with SEN expertise) then it might be possible. But only you know your child, and just because a load of other people say their child copes fine, doesn't mean that all children do.

If you haven't already, look up whether your local authority runs any SEN holiday schemes. Ours funds an additional adult for children with additional needs at some settings. The parent pays the normal day rate at the setting and the LA chips in the extra. It didn't work out for us as a regular thing but I expect it does for others.

I’m a single parent with two young kids and I work full time in a demanding job.

The kids do 3 days at afterschool club 8-6 on the days I work in the office, and then one day 9-5 and one 9-3 on the days I work from home.

We don’t do reading or homework on the long days, but do more on the short day. In the holidays they go to their dad for 3 or 4 weeks across the year; I do some childcare swaps with a friend; they do a bit of holiday club; I have 5 weeks holiday and I think this year I will ask for a week unpaid.

If you’re considering turning it down I would suggest that you try to negotiate instead. Is it a job you could do from home? If so I would ask for one day a week from home plus 4 additional weeks off unpaid per year. The worst they can say is no!!

@BrilliantBetty

How do you think that is useful advice? You would feel guilty as a mum and wouldn’t have liked it as a child. That doesn’t equate to how everyone would feel.

How stressful is it to be the sole responsibility for all bills I wonder and to potentially not have excess funds for treats/school trips/other luxuries single parent families deserve. Your comments, whilst not intended perhaps, read like massive privilege statements.

[quote Imnotdoingthis]@MotherHubbard2020 18 weeks per year? Or am I being totally stupid! I’ve never heard of that[/quote]
No 18 weeks total up until they turn 18. So average 1 week per year. Its unpaid though.

In total, up until they are 18 years of age, per child.

So if you have 3 children, you have 54 weeks of leave to take unpaid, it is your statutory right, they can’t decline the leave just change the dates to dates which are more beneficial for the company. It is limited to 4 weeks a year for each child so if you have 3 children, you can take up to 12 weeks off per year.

@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo Ah ok sorry, makes more sense!

I’d take it, plenty manage to work full time with children. The more income and prospects the better surely?

I'm a single mum working full time. It can work but it depends on individual circumstances.

I condense hours to 4 days and I WFH. I have moved so I can walk to do the nursery run 3 days a week and mum does 1 day a week.

I do the drop off and pick up, have breakfast and tea together and I sometimes work after bedtime is done.

I totally appreciate WFH and the flexi agreement but I worked hard to get that /)

I'd go for the job and make your decision on offer. You may be able to request flexibility x

The implication we are doing them harm goes against every feminist bone in my body!
I can understand that, but - for myself, only for myself - I sometimes do wonder whether the feminist movement has missold this strong can-do-it-all-by-myself woman stereotype to me. Working until late each day every day to pay for everything by myself, and parenting by myself, and doing everything else by myself did not do either me or my children any good, to be honest. Looking back, I would have chosen otherwise - less money, more time with the children. An hour in the morning and an hour in the evening is simply not enough.

I am adding it just for the diversity of opinions. It is ok to have different experiences and make different conclusions from them, isn't it?

If you’re going to turn it down then at least try and negotiate first.
Couple of longer office days and then a couple of shorter ones, or a couple of days a week WFH?

I only manage because I have a massive amount of family help. I feel guilty all the time that I a putting on my parents so much. It’s not sustainable for the future, at least while my child is still in primary school.

I have a colleague who works full time with no family support and it is really hard for her. Expensive because she has to use breakfast and after school clubs as well as holiday clubs. When school wraparound care isn’t available she has to be off work using leave or negotiating flexible work. Her child doesn’t enjoy holiday clubs.

I would wait until your kids are older. 9-3 sounds good to me.

@Terminallysleepdeprived would it be doable without her dad or grandparents though because that’s where I’m at.

I know I can’t take it. I will definitely ask about wfh, flexible working, part time ect first as nothing to lose.

Money wise I probably wouldn’t be better off. Wage is obviously much better, but I’d lose benefits and pay a fortune out in childcare. After school and breakfast club is £65 a week and holiday care £150. All I pay for now is breakfast club.

I don’t know a childminder would work. He really is a handful at times. 70% lovely and fine but needs a lot of support and time.

I was going to come on and say you can do it. But after reading about your youngest I think it makes more sense to be there for him. Not just for his sake but for your sake too - that will bring you more joy and less regret than the other way around. Unless you are hard pressed for money it's not worth the heartache for all 3 of you. Enjoy these years and love your kids for both mum and dad. In a few years you will be ready to take that better paying job.