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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single mums who work full time

80 replies

Singlenmumprobs · 18/03/2021 20:15

I’ve been offered a job, better than what I’m doing now more chance for progression(although not loads) and doing something I think I’d like and be good at. But it’s full time, 9-5 with a half hour minimum drive commute. More on bad traffic days. So potentially kids at school from 8-6.

My job now is walking distance, 9-3 and term time but I don’t enjoy it and it’s not going anywhere.

Aibu to turn down the job id love for my kids? I know in a few years (youngest is half way through primary) they wont need me as much in the holidays and I could build myself a better career between now and then. But they need me now. I have nobody to help out. They’d be in a (expensive) holiday club for most of their school holidays 8-6. They’d massively struggle with that, they’d hate it too. I’m sure they’d have fun some days but would definitely find it really hard. Youngest finds school really difficult as it is.

I know I have to turn it down. Hopefully I can work on my skills and try again in a few years.
How do others manage?

OP posts:

megletsecond · 18/03/2021 20:56

How will you replace the current exercise you get from walking when you travel by car?
I've stuck at an admin job partly because it's a good walk every day and I can go to the supermarket on the way. And it saves petrol. But my sanity and health was more important than my career. (LP with challenging younger child).

user1471530109 · 18/03/2021 20:56

I don't work the school holidays though and do appreciate this is the make or break of my situation. I am working after dinner etc until gone 9pm most nights. Bit we do have the holidays to properly connect and have fun. Working like this allows us to really live those holidays (and I don't mean going away) to the max.

Original poster

Singlenmumprobs · 18/03/2021 20:56

If it would make you happy, take the job. Every working mum is entitled to 18 weeks unpaid leave in total for each child, up until their 18th birthday regardless of employer. It is your statutory right so make sure you use it if you need it

In theory yes, but I can’t go into a meeting job in a probationary period and start requesting time off. I don’t think I’d be eligible for a year anyway. Plus in real life I don’t think many employers would tolerate this. It has to be taken in weeks not days and even though they couldn’t directly discriminate because of it, not many employers would be happy.

OP posts:

forinborin · 18/03/2021 20:59

I don’t think it is possible to be a full-time single mother, have a full-time job and avoid neglecting children. I am in this position, I regret it every day.

Original poster

Singlenmumprobs · 18/03/2021 20:59

@user1471530109 I’d take without a second thought I’d it wasn’t for the holidays in my heart I know it’s not the right time. I’m just a bit sad. I’ll ask them if they ever have part time roles available for the future though.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 18/03/2021 21:00

I can't afford to work part time so I have to work full time and make it work. Also with a long commute outside of lockdown.

Before Covid I used the wraparound care at school. It's not really what I want for DC but what's the alternative?

It does look like I'll be able to wfh at least some days now even when things are more normal, which is the ideal scenario really.

Could that not be the case in the job you've been offered? I would find out because then you would get the benefit of the extra pay and career options without the sacrifice of time wasted on a commute.

Taswama · 18/03/2021 21:08

Is the job definitely 5 days per week in the office (if it's an office job)?
So many jobs are no longer entirely office based since covid.
Can you ask about flexibility to work from home? If they agreed to 2 days at home that would make a huge difference. You could keep one or both dc at home on those days in the holidays or send them to holiday clubs with shorter days.

Fefifoefum · 18/03/2021 21:08

Have you considered a childminder?
A more homely environment for the kids in holidays and wraparound? More scope for adjustments for your youngest etc etc

My mum was a single mother, worked full time in a demanding job, I had a childminder. Such a lovely relationship. I had such lovely memories of long days at the beach with her and her kids, and then home to my mum for a lovely dinner.
She came to my wedding, she dotes on my child now like another mother.
Seeing my mum work that hard has given me great work ethic, and the time I got to spend with my mum growing up was brilliant. Real quality time.

user1471530109 · 18/03/2021 21:08

@forinborin you are wrong. My children are far from neglected. They also to be fair know no different as even when I was married to their feckless cheating father, I had no choice but to work full-time. In many respects, getting rid of the marriage and him had made little difference other than money

OP women have lots of strong opinions on this and I've heard them all. I don't have much choice to be honest. With a mortgage etc (and a very modest house, ex authority) I don't get the option to work part time or not at all. But I just wanted to assure you that you can do it, your kids won't hate you or be unhappy and yes it is very hard at times, but I don't regret it. This hand wringing that the kids suffer is ridiculous and can be avoided with planning. If this job isn't flexible in terms of hours or holidays, keep looking

Pbur · 18/03/2021 21:10

Are you sure your new job is in the office full time? So many organisations are planning on doing a mix after COVID. It will almost be so standard that perhaps that is something that you can request - then you don’t have to worry about holidays too much if you’re wfh 2 days a week.

GettingItOutThere · 18/03/2021 21:10

i think the term time thing would swing it for me. If you can manage a few more years until they are older, i would absolutely do this. late primary/early secondary is when you can really full force your career with them a bit more independent. Not really at the moment.

So i would stick with the current role in yours shoes, mabey do online courses/retrain/uni while you "wait"

HotPenguin · 18/03/2021 21:13

Having seen your update about your child with SEN, I think unless it's essential for you to earn more, you should put your son first. You don't say what his SEN are so I may be projecting my own here. My son has hugely benefitted from having me work part time so that we can have friends round to play as he can struggle socially at school.

WinterStrawbsAreLikeTurnip · 18/03/2021 21:14

With SEN kid/s and no parents to help OP if stick with your current job until they're a bit older.

forinborin · 18/03/2021 21:16

@user1471530109
I am very happy to have met an exception in you then. What I have seen so far (including my own case, I am not excluding myself), is that children of working single mothers are quite disadvantaged both in comparison to non-working single mothers and complete families too. But good for you if you made it work.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 18/03/2021 21:17

I work full time

I am a single mum

It is the only way I can afford to live

I am lucky that my parents look after dd in holidays and between them and her dad the wrap around care is sorted.

School holidays we use a combo of annual leave, my parents, dds dad and a play scheme. I also use a local childminder for odd days.

It is doable.

TabbyStar · 18/03/2021 21:20

I just wanted to assure you that you can do it, your kids won't hate you or be unhappy and yes it is very hard at times, but I don't regret it. This hand wringing that the kids suffer is ridiculous and can be avoided with planning

I think this can be true if things go smoothly but it can be much more difficult with a child who's experiencing difficulties in any way. There's no way I could have managed working full time when DD had problems. That's not a reason not to take a full time job, and it maybe there's more flexibility after doing a role for a while, but I don't think you can generalise that it would be okay for all families.

SionnachGlic · 18/03/2021 21:21

I worked full time plus commute as sole parent from 3mths old plus I'm still doing it 20+ yrs later. I need higher income to save deposit, get mortgage, pay school fees, college fees. I always tried to be a step ahead in terms of work in case nursery/school called & I had to dash. It was difficult looking back but I have fulfilling career & DC has strong work ethic too, now v successful in own field. And we are very close. And hols... couple of weeks of summer camp, holidays with DGPs for a week, share childcare with friend...I'd take time off & watch 3/4 kids then next parent did it for a week & so on. Then I always took last 2 weeks before return to school & we'd have an adventure together! It is possible if you really want it. But takes sacrifice & stress. I might have preferred an easier option but I couldn't afford not to work fulltime.

SusieSusieSoo · 18/03/2021 21:24

I'm a single mum I work full time now (ds8). Worked 4 days a week when he was younger. If I could manage the lower pay I'd do less hours in a heartbeat.

I moved roles last yr for a more steady job. Personally full time but not having to work lots of extra hours is my goal (getting there).

XelaM · 18/03/2021 21:25

@forinborin That's utter rubbish. I have zero support (family abroad) and ex-husband not on the scene. I'm a solicitor specialising in high value complex cross-border litigation. I work all hours of the day, often to 3/4am (thankfully from home nowadays). I also work 6-hours per week lecturing at university. My daughter is anything but neglected! I am putting her through private education on my own, support her equestrian hobby, create a nice home for the two of us and take her on lovely holidays. We are very close. It involves A LOT of juggling, working from the car or other ridiculous locations, having no time at all and going on very little sleep, but I have a career I love and am able to support my kid doing what she wants.

mynewusernameisthis · 18/03/2021 21:25

@FireflyRainbow

You can wait for the job you want. Your kids won't wait for you.

This

user1471530109 · 18/03/2021 21:28

But I am not an exception! I'm a teacher and come across single parent families constantly. Yes some have issues (and I don't mean to sound like I am belittling that, I am not trying to suggest you have to work to be happy)but so do kids with both parents at home. I see lots of high achieving, happy kids with single working mothers. I'm quite cross you are insinuating that's not the case! I have many kids in mind as I'm writing this. About a third of not half of my tutor group are from 'split' families.

OP, it sounds like you have some planning to do and it may be that this isn't the job for you. But please don't fall into this old fashioned narrative that you can't do both. It's become the narrative to say that now women were wrong to say they could do it all. Bollocks. I'm not saying my life is easy. I often have friends and colleagues telling me 'i don't know how you do it!' but it is doable. I have a health condition that puts me on the shielding list and as I said, a child that has had issues (I'm awaiting more investigation into autism diagnosis). I'm not an exception! I promise you. My life is harder than the woman next door who lives with her husband (not sure if I'd swap though) but we are really close as a family and I think happy.

user1471530109 · 18/03/2021 21:29

I am so happy to read others back up that I am not an exception

megletsecond · 18/03/2021 21:30

It looks like most people who work full time have either one child, family support, other parent on the scene or a child without behavioural issues.
(I have none of the above and part time almost kills me).

happytoday73 · 18/03/2021 21:30

I agree with PP suggestion re childminder... Especially one that gives them a evening meal, allows them space/time to do homework..
Can you take your lunch down to half an hour and either leave early or early dart Friday.
I'd also look at holidays... Some places allow you to buy days or take unpaid leave....

NerrSnerr · 18/03/2021 21:33

@Troublewaters2021

I have always worked 7-7 mon - friday

Kids are fine I think 😂

If you're a single parent how do you manage childcare? Do you use a nanny?

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